Author edith Posted November 24, 2018 Author Share Posted November 24, 2018 He’s definitely not sexually neglected at home. And yes, I’m sure it’s only been oral in 10 years. Even in their messages from this past Monday, they mentioned it again. No regular sex. It wouldn’t make it more acceptable but it gives me hope that he couldn’t be too involved with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 but lets try to analyze : -do you give him oral ? She already answered that question. Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 She already answered that question. she didn't Elaine , She said she is having sex with him , Pleae let her answer this question , Edith , apart from him being a hot guy , which i don't believe the reason he is having affairs .. If you want to hear BS , don't answer my questions, If you want to be clever , then let's analyze few things : What is wrong in your sex life ? What is it that he is not finding in your sex life .... Elaine : OP doesn't want to flip the table even if he is a cheater , he is wealthy good looking lucky bastard and stability is important to her , she is happy this way , no need to waste efforts in different direction , right edith ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 He’s definitely not sexually neglected at home. And yes, I’m sure it’s only been oral in 10 years. Even in their messages from this past Monday, they mentioned it again. No regular sex. It wouldn’t make it more acceptable but it gives me hope that he couldn’t be too involved with her. Edith, why do you think a man would chase a woman and carry on an emotional affair on/off for 10 years - if he is not involved with her? He is clearly invested emotionally with this woman... Are you trying to convince yourself that he wants sex with this woman, and it’s the “thrill of the chase” that keeps him hanging in with her? If not that, what else would to be? By your own admission, getting sex - either at home or away from home - is not the problem. I totally agree with Elaine, in that you have done some pretty significant mental gymnastics to compartmentalize and convince yourself that his affairs were “only sex,” and he shared an “emotional connection” only with you... But, this long-standing affair challenges that belief which is why you are confused and feeling shattered. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 I got the impression from your post the PA part of the affair was over and the EA was ongoing, I'm sorry if that's Incorrect. So over the past 10 years how much of it was spent in an active and how much in an EA? I would say for 10 years there's got to be an emotional component but as I said before the only way to find out is to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 I got the impression from your post the PA part of the affair was over and the EA was ongoing, I'm sorry if that's Incorrect. So over the past 10 years how much of it was spent in an active and how much in an EA? I would say for 10 years there's got to be an emotional component but as I said before the only way to find out is to ask. if she asks right now with this confusion in her mind , she will be more shattered ... how can she declare to him that she knew he was having NSA but got hurt because of an EA ? Edith , my dear , what you have with him is more valuable than you destroy it now .. a family , wealth , kids , etc ... I disagree with you accepting that , but I think I know how you see it , ... so , your enemy now is not your husband , you want to know , why she , how to conquer an EA.... and you seem to be keen that you don't want to fight with him ... focus there , why she ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 she didn't Elaine , As I said she already answered that This is what killls me - my husband has wanted her for 10 years for oral sex?? He already gets that at home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 Clearly, he is emotionally attached to her. Probably in love with her. Does that hurt you enough to give up the status of being married to him? It would me. Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 As I said she already answered that u r right elaine , let see what else he is starving , obviouly he doesnt fear loosing her , she gave him a free pass 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 Thank you, William. There has been sex - oral sex - but that was at her request. It wasn’t clear in the emails why. Although I do remember reading she felt it wouldn’t be as much of a betrayal? But I’m not sure if she meant sex. So they’ve been intimate in 10 years, but not full-blown sex. This is what killls me - my husband has wanted her for 10 years for oral sex?? He already gets that at home. My heart is in a million pieces when I think about this might mean, because the reality of it is crushing. You may give him oral at home but it doesn't mean you are doing it the way she does. After all you and her don't have the same mouth and tongue. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 24, 2018 Share Posted November 24, 2018 It wouldn’t make it more acceptable but it gives me hope that he couldn’t be too involved with her. I think many of us are confused by your definition of “involved”. Are you asking if he’s in love with her? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted November 25, 2018 Author Share Posted November 25, 2018 Yes - I think I am asking that. If he’s in love. I keep referring back in my mind to some of their emails from 4 years ago, when he starts comparing them to Kate Winslet’s and Leonardo DiCaprio’s characters in “Titanic”! He talks about how she grew up upper class and married a guy who was the same, but the he (my husband) was more like Jack Dawson (DiCaprio’s character). My husband’s name is also Jack! She found the comparison funny, and I remember being struck by it because I actually remember meeting her husband when she and my husband worked together, and my impression was her husband was very haughty. So my husband picked up on that and it became a joke between them to use lines from the movie, like “I’ll never let go” and “You jump, I jump”, and talk about steaming up the window when they have sex in the car - which she and my husband did. My head is spinning with all of this information and it is so cathartic to come here and vent. I am deeply appreciative to those of you trying to help, you’ll never know what a difference you’re making. I am coming to terms with the fact that, at the very least, at least he prefers having sex with this particular woman. So he could still be chasing her for that alone. My husband is 47 years old and she’s 11 years younger, and there he is like a teenager wanting to have sex with her in a car. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 Contrary to popular belief Affairs are not about sex. OP you stated that he has had many NSA sex before. He can get sex. No one will chase someone for 10 years for sex..... I think you already know the answers, even if you were to ask him he won't tell you the truth. Why would he. He has lied to you for 10 years. OP the real question is what do you want, and what do you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 I am coming to terms with the fact that, at the very least, at least he prefers having sex with this particular woman. So he could still be chasing her for that alone. But why would that threaten the unspoken, don’t-ask-don’t-tell arrangement governing your marriage? He seems happy to have you on the home front, you seem willing to accept his terms. I’m not sure one woman for ten years is any more of an issue than ten women for a year each... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 It is a reality that he has feelings to that woman , there are two possibilities , either he is a serial cheater as you described him , or from the begining something is lacking in your relationship, sexual or emotional , most probably emotional . you have 3 options : -Flip the table ( i doubt u will do it , the damage from your point of view is more than benefits , I disagree , but understand your decision). -Work on the emotional/sexual gap. -WTF , and ignore it. I advise you to work and then set boundaries more to him .... I am sorry for what you are going through ... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 Contrary to popular belief Affairs are not about sex. True. OP, Google the "Infidelity Megafecta" - it is an illuminating article about why people have affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrschaney Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 Men dont chase a woman for 10 years because of good head. This is obviously an emotional affair and you need to decide whether or not you want to put up with it to keep your lifestyle. If you decide to ignore it just remember- as soon as she decides she’d rather have your husband than hers he’ll drop you like a hot potato. Are you ready for that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 Dang! I didn't know about the rule that if you're good-looking you get a pass to cheat. Good grief. You may want to raise your standards just a tad. I also agree with the others. So what if he's hung up on this woman? He only wants her because he can't have her. From where I'm standing, it seems that if you rejected him, you might actually get his attention. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted November 25, 2018 Author Share Posted November 25, 2018 Thank you all so much. I am starting to feel more worried that this is not a run of the mill affair. I’m going to keep monitoring what he does and will start to prepare myself for confronting him. Just the fact that he still wants her after 10 years is enough to get me going! I’ve stayed through a lot. He’s going to have a few decisions to make. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 I’ve stayed through a lot. He’s going to have a few decisions to make. You seem to have quite the book on him, have you ever confronted him about any of his previous affairs? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 He obviously is very infatuated with this woman. He either loves her, or he thinks that he loves her. Whichever it is, it doesn’t make a difference, it still means that his head has been somewhere eldse - he is seriously disrespecting you, and you should definitely confront him as soon as you can. 10 years of this yearning for somebody else. While being married to you. I think that’s a big deal. And it’s definitely a much bigger deal than hooking up with random women every other month. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 He obviously is very infatuated with this woman. He either loves her, or he thinks that he loves her. Whichever it is, it doesn’t make a difference, it still means that his head has been somewhere eldse - he is seriously disrespecting you, and you should definitely confront him as soon as you can. 10 years of this yearning for somebody else. While being married to you. I think that’s a big deal. And it’s definitely a much bigger deal than hooking up with random women every other month. I am surprised that not only OP think that way .... SO , if I am not mistaken , OP and many other women think that it is okey , not a big deal if their spouse have a hookup 10 times a year , yet it is a great sin if emotionally got attached to one lady and had only oral or some intimacy ... Well , to start with ,Oral , touching , hugging, flirting ,emotianal , etc . all are cheating . A woman allows her husband to cheat but won't allow him to get emotionally attached has also something wrong , it tells me without defending the Unfaithfull hisband , that she needs to address some issues herself too. My advise to you is not to confront your husband in a fight , rather approach the dilemma from the concept of marriage consultancy and that you want to improve sexual life with your husband , because if you do confront him now , what would you say to him ? -it was ok to bang a lady every month as long as you don't have emotions ! Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 Look around Op, I am sorry for you but you gave him a free pass because you were also selfish yourself , you are not into sex, you were giving him duty sex , in return of the wealth you are sharing with him . If you really want to save this marriage , you need to get IC yourself , rebuild your self esteeme, and get MC for Both of you . Open a fight now and he will just turn your back . Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 I am sorry for you but you gave him a free pass because you were also selfish yourself , you are not into sex, you were giving him duty sex Boy, that's a reach and a half, nothing the OP has posted supports that contention. For all you know, she could be swinging from the rafters in an attempt to keep his interest. Stick to the facts... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 SO , if I am not mistaken , OP and many other women think that it is okey , not a big deal if their spouse have a hookup 10 times a year , yet it is a great sin if emotionally got attached to one lady and had only oral or some intimacy .. No I guess most women would not like any of that but I do believe some women when faced with a cheating and hooking up spouse do a cost benefit analysis and then decide if it is worth divorcing and splitting up their family, wealth and assets over some short term affair or a few hook ups and to some it is better to stick with the marriage. (Some have little choice as they and their kids would be in dire straits if they were ever to divorce...) Why an emotional involvement is seen as "worse" is because he may actually then leave or instigate the divorce himself and that would be a disaster for such women... So it is not that an EA by itself is seen as "worse" than a PA, it it the implications of the EA that can be worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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