elaine567 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 I can’t understand why you don’t do something to get away from his cheating a$$. Bottom line. She doesn't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 It helps me to come here and write this out, it helps me to process it. Edith, if all you’re wanting here is a place to write then I hope it helps. If you’re wanting input from others, please let us know what it is you want, because many people have responded to you but it seems no one is giving you what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 All I want to know is whether he sounds emotionally involved with her - that’s what drives my desire to divorce him or not. I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those, so I guess you’re right that no one is commenting on what I want. But it does help to write it out and process it. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 All I want to know is whether he sounds emotionally involved with her - that’s what drives my desire to divorce him or not. I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those, so I guess you’re right that no one is commenting on what I want. But it does help to write it out and process it. YES! He is emotionally, physically, consciously, sexually, metaphysically, and in every other "ly" way, involved with her. There's your answer, but I don't think you will act upon it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 All I want to know is whether he sounds emotionally involved with her - that’s what drives my desire to divorce him or not. I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those, so I guess you’re right that no one is commenting on what I want. But it does help to write it out and process it. I only read this thread over the last couple of days, but speaking as a guy, it was pretty clear to me by your December postings that your husband absolutely is emotionally involved with her. There's this misconception that guys cheating is all about sex. I'm not saying your husband isn't interested in sex and that there's not a sense of him wanting what he can't really have (the other woman). But believe me that a man generally doesn't carry on like this for years without there being some emotional investment. By your own admission, he's a great looking guy and it sounds like he's had no trouble finding women to physically engage him during your marriage. Why else but an emotional investment would he stay connected to this woman for a decade? I'm sorry, but you're deluding yourself and I agree with others that you should either stop snooping or finally take action. This fence-sitting is slowly graying out your soul. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) All I want to know is whether he sounds emotionally involved with her - that’s what drives my desire to divorce him or not. I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those, so I guess you’re right that no one is commenting on what I want. What words specifically do you want to hear? I ask because people have said in as many words, time and again, he is emotionally involved with this woman and that you should divorce him. You seem content to want to analyze their conversations - something that to us seems a rather pointless endeavour when you have OVERWHELMING evidence indicating that his man has lied to you, betrayed you and your children, and broken his marital vows. The simple fact is, it is rather useless for us to analyze his conversations with this woman - all second hand knowledge to you - because we are not the two people in question. We can not, and do not, know any more what they are thinking than you do. To be blunt, trying to analyze their conversations and suss out what are thinking/planning and then using that as your barometer to know when to file for divorce is not a wise idea. You may as well try to nail jello to a tree. We are all saying, a much better barometer would be to assess his commitment to you and his children - is he behaving in a way that supports, protects, and honours his family? Is he treating his wife and children in a loving and respectful way? If he is not, then you file for divorce. Edited October 9, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I have these clues from their conversations and no one comments on those. OK, if you’re wanting it in that format: Then this morning he reached out to her, saying “What happened?” She replied right away, <snip> He immediately replied... <snip> He starts telling her he owns her and how much he loves that. He’s invested. He cares - she blows him off and he follows up. She responds immediately, as does he. And then... he asserts possessiveness, and tells her how much that means to him. He’s invested. He’s emotionally involved. He cares. This isn’t just a fling. His identity is deployed here. Being a husband and father? Notsomuch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 Well, if all of that is true, then help me understand the latest. Last Wednesday, the day after the interactions on my last post, they texted a bit in the morning. On Friday night, when apparently she’s at her beach house with her husband, who lives there - they live separately a few months out of the year, according to the messages-, she texted my husband something like “Thinking of you tonight... I can’t talk but just wanted you to know.” I can see when he read it and he read it that night. He didn’t reply. I’ve been checking every day and no communication between them, and it’s Wednesday already. I can’t help but wonder if he’s dropping her again. I can’t help but wonder if this time, it will end. As soon as I become hopeful that he doesn’t want her anymore, I recall his reaction when she said she “knew this was easy for him”. He made it a point to tell her that he understood her doubt and that it wasn’t easy for him either. I keep wondering if he’s trying to make her think he’s having doubts as well. He is not like this with other women he’s sleeping with - there’s no “game”. He sleeps with them, talks about sex, sets up “meetings”, and that’s it. With this one, he goes to great lengths to establish the push-pull and manipulate. So how involved can he really be? I really can’t wrap my head around any of this. I’m just so hopeful that now, it’s over. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 She is a challenge for him. It's not over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Ever considered he has another phone? Seems incredible that a man who has been cheating this long is so easily snooped upon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 I can’t help but wonder if he’s dropping her again. He’s never dropped her. I’m not sure why you think that - they have been in contact, and continue to be in contact, for years. I can’t help but wonder if this time, it will end. I’m just so hopeful that now, it’s over. I wouldn’t bet the farm. It really doesn’t matter to you how many women he sleeps with, you remain focused on this one woman. I can appreciate that this is the way that you cope with the infidelity in your marriage, your denial allowing you to stay in the marriage. It’s just feels like you are not seeing the forest for the trees... And yes, it a little hard to imagine how you have unfettered access to his every communication and he hasn’t figure out yet that his conversations are not private/does not protect his communications better. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Well, if all of that is true, then help me understand the latest. Do you not listen to anything that is written in this thread? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 Edith, I am starting to wonder if this at this stage if you are just so invested in this "investigation", it is now your own little game of trying to figure it all out. I remember in the early days, post my xWH's affair, how I combed over every bit of technology. And when I would find something, it was thrilling, but at the same time absolutely heartbreaking. But it was almost addicting. It became a puzzle that I was trying to figure out. And I feel you are there. Except you are not realizing what this is doing to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 op, does it really matter if he's cheating with her, or if he's with someone else? If you really want to know, my guess is that his ow is doing what women that role have done since humanity first stood upright. She's running and he's chasing. For some men, that it the height of excitement. The problem comes when they get the object of their desire. The highs of the chase just aren't there, and a guy like that will likely never be happy with what they have. Your SO sounds very much like a little boy who's thrilled to be sneaking around behind his mommy's back. In my limited experience, to him, that's the big draw. If they ever did settle down, they'd both likely develop a wandering eye very quickly. This sort of relationship is not sustainable. Op, like I said above, I don't think it matters who he's with. He's just being who he is, what you allow him to do. For the life of me, I can't see why you tolerate such disrespect, but maybe you are happy enough to share, so long as he comes home. Are you worried that one day, he won't? How and where did you end up meeting this guy? During the early days, did he do lots of "love bombing" etc. really quickly? Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 Their relationship is old enough to drive a car. It's not over because he didn't respond to one text message. They have probably gone months or possibly even years at a time without communicating, only to start it up again because they can't stay away from each other. Yes, he's emotionally invested in her. I don't know what else you're looking for at this point other than excuses for inaction. Either you want to divorce him or you don't, but there's no denying that he has a deep emotional attachment to this woman. That being said I don't think you've described (or I missed it) how exactly you're reading his messages. Even as his spouse, depending on how you're getting access you may be breaking the law. Make sure you read up on the legality of surveillance methods before you use any of this as evidence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 OP, instead of worrying about your husband's affair with this woman never mind the other current OW (and who knows how many before) why don't you tackle what's going on your own relationship. Instead of continually worrying about your husband's emotional attachment to this OW (which is obvious to everyone but you) you need to question and deal with how he treats you. Does he love you? Does he show it, treat you well etc. You need to start demanding respect! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 you need to question and deal with how he treats you. Does he love you? Does he show it, treat you well etc. Do you mean outside the time he's traveling, meeting and talking with other women? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 Mr Lucky OP's determined to stay so she has to deal with what she's got! It's what's she's allowed after years of this treatment but she's obviously stuck on protecting it for some reason. We may not understand it but can you honestly see OP leaving her WH anytime soon? Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 Wow! OP, you are all kinds of broken. I'm sorry you're in this situation . You sound like an addict and you'll never quit him. Maybe it's the sex. And showing the world that you have a man like that, although you don't really have him, do you? He doesn't love you. Realize that you only have one life! I dont know how old you are but if you found the strength to end the addiction and get some treatment, you may have the chance to be truly loved by a man. Otherwise, you'll look back with regret on how you didn't even try and your self esteem will keep being eroded further. You're so wasting your life on this man! He doesn't have feelings for this OW, he doesn't have feelings for you, he doesn't have feelings for anyone. He's clearly a narcissist. He loves the challenge with this OW, it's more of a fantas for him. He talks like a narcissist, acts like a narcissist, and they do not have feelings for people. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 We may not understand it but can you honestly see OP leaving her WH anytime soon? A betting man would come down on the "no" side... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 Because I need to know if he has feelings for her. I will not stay regardless - I will not stay if he wants more than sex from her. I’m slowly coming to the realization that this might be serious for him and he’s emotionally involved, but that’s not a given. I’ve only had certain clues that he’s involved but I don’t want to break up my marriage over a woman who’s just sex. Not to be harsh but what marriage? Looks like your WH can do whatever he wants with tons of women and one for 11+yrs and you'll take it. he is emotionally involved with this woman-(YES)-(If no he's a sociopath 11+yrs is a long time for him not to have any type of "feelings". Also WHY haven't you told her-(11yrs affair lady)about this why haven't you told any of the BH or partners????? Why are you staying????? Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 Atm he does what he wants to do anyway. No need for discussion. No need for transparency. No need for "ground rules", save what he sets for himself... ________________ Exactly he can-(seems) do whatever and whom ever he wants and get away with it all. Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 You seem to be totally non-plussed about the fact he is currently cheating with someone else, yet are obsessed with this woman. Do you never wonder that the next woman he cheats with will be "the love of his life..." is that not the risk you run by allowing him free rein to cheat on you...? Whether he is "in love" with this woman or not, I have no idea, but he wasted no time in replying to her, so I guess she still holds his interest... He supposedly haven't seen each other in yrs yet he'll drop everything in a second to make a date-(also cheat on his new mistress to cheat with 11yr misstress again) Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted October 21, 2019 Author Share Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) However, although I welcome the effort of those posting, my husband has still not contacted this OW. He continues to talk to the newest ow, albeit in a wildly less emotional way. Today has been odd, though. He was acting moody and that’s usually the first sign that something is up with the 11 yr ow. I went to her FB page and her posts are public. There was one saying something like “It is so freeing to be with a man you can trust”, then another with a picture of her husband saying “He’s perfection and moral, and he’s mine”. Now, my husband was on the messaging app until 10:30 last night, the same one he uses to talk to her, so she’s obviously caught on to the fact that he’s talking to someone else or was trying to make him jealous. I haven’t been able to get to his phone today, so I don’t know if anything else has happened. But that’s pretty unlikely on a Sunday. Earlier in the week she had also posted that her husband is buying her a house to start her real estate business, that he had come home to stay after living in their beach house since Spring, and when I checked my husband’s activity log on Facebook, he had gone to her profile 13 times that day. 13! Obviously she can’t see that, but now I’m afraid my husband will reach out to her this week because she seems so enamored with her husband. I don’t know, but hopefully tomorrow will be a new day. I am seriously considering seeing an attorney after all these years. The person who said his identity is wrapped up in this might be right. Love? I still find that unlikely, but this woman means more to him than I allow him and that’s not acceptable. Edited October 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off topic Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 when I checked my husband’s activity log on Facebook, he had gone to her profile 13 times that day. 13! Come on... Edith.... what more do you need???? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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