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I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE


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Starswillshine

Edith, I am starting to wonder if this at this stage if you are just so invested in this "investigation", it is now your own little game of trying to figure it all out.

 

I remember in the early days, post my xWH's affair, how I combed over every bit of technology. And when I would find something, it was thrilling, but at the same time absolutely heartbreaking. But it was almost addicting. It became a puzzle that I was trying to figure out. And I feel you are there. Except you are not realizing what this is doing to you.

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op,

does it really matter if he's cheating with her, or if he's with someone else?

 

If you really want to know, my guess is that his ow is doing what women that role have done since humanity first stood upright. She's running and he's chasing. For some men, that it the height of excitement. The problem comes when they get the object of their desire. The highs of the chase just aren't there, and a guy like that will likely never be happy with what they have.

 

Your SO sounds very much like a little boy who's thrilled to be sneaking around behind his mommy's back. In my limited experience, to him, that's the big draw. If they ever did settle down, they'd both likely develop a wandering eye very quickly. This sort of relationship is not sustainable.

 

Op, like I said above, I don't think it matters who he's with. He's just being who he is, what you allow him to do. For the life of me, I can't see why you tolerate such disrespect, but maybe you are happy enough to share, so long as he comes home. Are you worried that one day, he won't?

 

How and where did you end up meeting this guy? During the early days, did he do lots of "love bombing" etc. really quickly?

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Their relationship is old enough to drive a car. It's not over because he didn't respond to one text message. They have probably gone months or possibly even years at a time without communicating, only to start it up again because they can't stay away from each other. Yes, he's emotionally invested in her. I don't know what else you're looking for at this point other than excuses for inaction. Either you want to divorce him or you don't, but there's no denying that he has a deep emotional attachment to this woman.

 

That being said I don't think you've described (or I missed it) how exactly you're reading his messages. Even as his spouse, depending on how you're getting access you may be breaking the law. Make sure you read up on the legality of surveillance methods before you use any of this as evidence.

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OP, instead of worrying about your husband's affair with this woman never mind the other current OW (and who knows how many before) why don't you tackle what's going on your own relationship.

 

Instead of continually worrying about your husband's emotional attachment to this OW (which is obvious to everyone but you) you need to question and deal with how he treats you. Does he love you? Does he show it, treat you well etc. You need to start demanding respect!

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you need to question and deal with how he treats you. Does he love you? Does he show it, treat you well etc.

 

Do you mean outside the time he's traveling, meeting and talking with other women?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mr Lucky

 

OP's determined to stay so she has to deal with what she's got! It's what's she's allowed after years of this treatment but she's obviously stuck on protecting it for some reason.

 

We may not understand it but can you honestly see OP leaving her WH anytime soon?

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Wow! OP, you are all kinds of broken. I'm sorry you're in this situation . You sound like an addict and you'll never quit him. Maybe it's the sex. And showing the world that you have a man like that, although you don't really have him, do you?

 

He doesn't love you. Realize that you only have one life! I dont know how old you are but if you found the strength to end the addiction and get some treatment, you may have the chance to be truly loved by a man. Otherwise, you'll look back with regret on how you didn't even try and your self esteem will keep being eroded further. You're so wasting your life on this man!

 

He doesn't have feelings for this OW, he doesn't have feelings for you, he doesn't have feelings for anyone. He's clearly a narcissist. He loves the challenge with this OW, it's more of a fantas for him. He talks like a narcissist, acts like a narcissist, and they do not have feelings for people.

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We may not understand it but can you honestly see OP leaving her WH anytime soon?

 

A betting man would come down on the "no" side...

 

Mr. Lucky

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summerdowling87
Because I need to know if he has feelings for her. I will not stay regardless - I will not stay if he wants more than sex from her. I’m slowly coming to the realization that this might be serious for him and he’s emotionally involved, but that’s not a given. I’ve only had certain clues that he’s involved but I don’t want to break up my marriage over a woman who’s just sex.

 

Not to be harsh but what marriage?

 

Looks like your WH can do whatever he wants with tons of women and one for 11+yrs and you'll take it.

 

he is emotionally involved with this woman-(YES)-(If no he's a sociopath 11+yrs is a long time for him not to have any type of "feelings".

 

Also WHY haven't you told her-(11yrs affair lady)about this why haven't you told any of the BH or partners????? Why are you staying?????

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summerdowling87

Atm he does what he wants to do anyway.

No need for discussion.

No need for transparency.

No need for "ground rules", save what he sets for himself...

________________

Exactly he can-(seems) do whatever and whom ever he wants and get away with it all.

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summerdowling87
You seem to be totally non-plussed about the fact he is currently cheating with someone else, yet are obsessed with this woman.

Do you never wonder that the next woman he cheats with will be "the love of his life..." is that not the risk you run by allowing him free rein to cheat on you...?

 

Whether he is "in love" with this woman or not, I have no idea, but he wasted no time in replying to her, so I guess she still holds his interest...

 

He supposedly haven't seen each other in yrs yet he'll drop everything in a second to make a date-(also cheat on his new mistress to cheat with 11yr misstress again)

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However, although I welcome the effort of those posting, my husband has still not contacted this OW. He continues to talk to the newest ow, albeit in a wildly less emotional way. Today has been odd, though. He was acting moody and that’s usually the first sign that something is up with the 11 yr ow. I went to her FB page and her posts are public. There was one saying something like “It is so freeing to be with a man you can trust”, then another with a picture of her husband saying “He’s perfection and moral, and he’s mine”. Now, my husband was on the messaging app until 10:30 last night, the same one he uses to talk to her, so she’s obviously caught on to the fact that he’s talking to someone else or was trying to make him jealous. I haven’t been able to get to his phone today, so I don’t know if anything else has happened. But that’s pretty unlikely on a Sunday. Earlier in the week she had also posted that her husband is buying her a house to start her real estate business, that he had come home to stay after living in their beach house since Spring, and when I checked my husband’s activity log on Facebook, he had gone to her profile 13 times that day. 13! Obviously she can’t see that, but now I’m afraid my husband will reach out to her this week because she seems so enamored with her husband. I don’t know, but hopefully tomorrow will be a new day. I am seriously considering seeing an attorney after all these years. The person who said his identity is wrapped up in this might be right. Love? I still find that unlikely, but this woman means more to him than I allow him and that’s not acceptable.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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when I checked my husband’s activity log on Facebook, he had gone to her profile 13 times that day. 13!

 

Come on... Edith.... what more do you need????

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edith, you really need to find yourself a another hobby.

 

In all seriousness, if you have decided to stay with this man then you really need to stop reading his every text message to these other women. It’s clearly not healthy for you. Whether his identity is wrapped up in this affair remains to be seen. What is very clear is that your identity is wrapped up in following every movement of your cheating husband and that is really sad...

 

Enough already. If you have decided to stay - regardless - let the man engage in whatever affairs he so choses and live your own life...

Edited by BaileyB
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How does he have all this time for his numerous affairs?!

 

Don't you have a business and children?

 

How do you interact with one another? I'm curious how you both just tiptoe around each other with this huge elephant in the room - his cheating and you knowing about it but both pretending like everything is ok...? That's not a marriage it's a farce.

 

Are you intimate? Does it feel ok with him in that way knowing that he's sleeping with other women?

 

How are you able to read all of his messages? Usually men who cheat to this degree have a way of communicating under the radar. This seems way too easy.

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Ditto all of the above on this page. There’s a lot that keeps us shaking our heads and rubbing our eyes in disbelief.

 

I just want to repeat what I still think is operational with the BH. It’s not about whether or not he’s more emotionally involved with the 11year ow. It’s because h can’t get her. It’s the mesmerizing sexual tension of her give and take, push and pull. He thinks he has her, then she slips out of reach. There’s enough tease and flattery with her burning desire that keeps coming back to “haunt” her. How can he resist those smoldering soap opera declarations?

 

But make no mistake. We’re talking about what keeps DESIRE alive, which is very different from “true love” or just love. Does anyone in this story care about that?

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Edith,

I know you haven’t posted in a while , but I found some notes I took on a talk about male narcissists. The part about how they view marriage made me think of you. I think the insight could interesting though difficult for you to see if it applies.

 

A relationship with a narcissist is imbalanced. They lack empathy, cannot be loving, caring or sharing.

 

How The Narcissistic Male Views Marriage

 

1. Uses marriage as a tool of credibility

2. Shames others not married - bragging

3. Wife is property; later, children

4. Relationship imbalance increases after marriage: doesn't have to work for it any more

5. Easy for narcissist to cheat on wife because...

- Didn't marry out of love or admiration

- Married because she fit skill set needed for social role

- Unable to see spouse as a person

- Believes he’s done enough; therefore, gives himself to affair partners

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The reason I haven’t posted in a while is because I’ve been more and more convinced that he has feelings for this woman. I truly, deeply appreciate the thoughtful posts - Mermeade, thank you for the narcissist summary. That is my husband to a tee.

 

He has totally changed his behavior this week. I’ve been able to get a hold of his phone more easily than usual this week - my usual way of snooping, he’s pretty detached from it, which shows me he really doesn’t care that much about getting caught, and he never deletes anything; I’m also able to snoop on the desktop mote easily, but he uses apps more easily, which is why I’ve had to resort to looking at his phone -. So I’ll try to make this story short, I’m still able to see his activity log on Facebook and he’s still checking the woman’s profile, which I’ve also done, and over the weekend she posted about how great it is to be with a man she can trust, then in another posted and a picture of her husband captioned “He’s beyond reproach and he’s mine”, meaning he’s a moral man. Then my husband talked to the current mistress on Sunday, and there’s been very little communication between them since. He’s staying away from the app he uses with the 11 yr ow, where usually he used it to spend a couple hours a night chatting with the current mistress. I also went over chats with current mistress and it’s sex only - he stopped replying to her.

 

But he’s still going to the 11 yr ow’s FB daily. And to answer other questions, yes, we share the same house, he’s very active with the boys, we go out together, he blows off work continuously to reply to these women, but things get done, and I can’t tip my hand, so I pretend it doesn’t impact me. We are like roommates. Sometimes I ask for sex because I have hope that he will want me more than he wants others. But then I check his phone again, and nothing changes.

 

This week, I keep thinking of his remark to 11 yr ow that he understood why she was torn about meeting him, and that it wasn’t easy for him either. Could this be true? Maybe it is emotionally difficult for him to cheat on me? Or was he just trying to make her believe he’s a good man? This coupled with the change in his behavior this week has kept me distressed. That if this woman ever wants my husband, he would go to her.

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I’m going to keep this short, because everything already has been said multiple times.

 

No - it is NOT emotionally difficult for him to cheat on you.

Yes - if this woman ever wants your husband, he would go to her.

BTW this doesn’t mean he would treat her any better than you after a few months/years of living together ........ however, I feel VERY sad for you.

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I ask for sex because I have hope that he will want me more than he wants others.

 

 

Edith for that strategy to possibly work you've got to change it up. A LOT.

 

 

Get wild. Swallow. Offer up a threesome. Allow anal. Think outside the box. Watch porn moves for more ideas.

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^^^ With respect, this is not going to change anything in your marriage. If anything, I would think it may cause you to lose whatever self respect you have left.

 

Furthermore, it would be unwise to engage in risk(ier) sex acts with your husband if he is having sex with other partners. I said risk(ier) because you are already putting your own health at risk by having sex with a man who is engaging in multiple extramarital affairs.

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^Agree with BaileyB above- however it's clear that Edith doesn't actually take any of the advice she receives and continues to do whatever she believes will work. So, given that she's going to keep having sex with the guy in an attempt to win him back over his numerous affair partners, she might as well do it right. I forgot to include "messy facials" in my post above.

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You guys hit the nail on the head.

 

All the sexual things you mentioned are things he talked to the 11 yr ow about - except for anal sex and threesomes. And she acted as if she was so into them. I can’t tell you how many messages I’ve read where he’s just so thrilled that she “swallowed” and wanted “every drop of him”.

 

I will never lower myself to her level.

 

Now, if he’s so into her, why hasn’t he contacted her in two weeks? Am I right to assume he’s trying to establish this “isn’t easy” for him?

 

Please don’t refrain from giving me what you think is the truth. I am taking all of this in and am seeing an attorney (again) in two weeks.

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Now, if he’s so into her, why hasn’t he contacted her in two weeks? Am I right to assume he’s trying to establish this “isn’t easy” for him?

 

Please don’t refrain from giving me what you think is the truth.

 

Maybe he lost her number? Or, he has been preoccupied with work?

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