I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Divod62]

I've read your thread and I don't think he ever planned on leaving you.  He just wants to go all the way with this 11 yr OW and he's determined to see it through until he scores.  That's why he continually steers the conversation towards dirty sex talk.  He wants what he can't have.

[lana-banana]

Yes, he's very emotionally attached to her. I would also bet big money that they've tried to tell each other goodbye dozens of times before, only to start right back up again. It may be about sex, but it's not just about sex---not after 15-plus years. He wants her, specifically. What are you going to do about it?

[Prudence V]

On 12/10/2019 at 2:16 PM, edith said:

With this one, he “feels” everything. And he cares about how she takes it.

I don’t know what will happen from now on. I’m still holding out hope that they won’t meet. She might just get sick of his antics and change her mind. At one point she asked if he wanted to spend the whole day together or one afternoon, he said “As long as you can”. If this really is goodbye for them, I can see how I can hold out a little longer.

What do you guys make of his behavior? Am I right to have this gut feeling that he treats her differently?

“He cares about how she takes it”. He cares. 

“If this really is goodbye for them”.... then it’s the kind of “goodbye” Prince Andrew went to have with Jeffrey Epstein, where he (allegedly) went to break off the friendship, instead spent four days together, and certainly didn’t mention breaking off the friendship. I suspect they’ve been around that block before - agree to end things, only to resume at some point in the future. He’s clearly invested. 

edith I don’t think it’s a case of you “holding out a little longer”. You’re never going to leave him, even if you read a full-on declaration of undying love between them. You’re just hoping he leaves her and you get to keep him by default. If he doesn’t leave her, or even if he does, you’ll still be in the same place you are now, checking his messages, fearing what you might see, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’ll never be able to relax and enjoy the marriage, because you’ll never be secure in it or in his respect for you. And that’s your choice. You can choose to live like this forever, or you can choose to muster the timid shreds of self respect you have left and leave. Neither is an attractive choice, and I’m guessing you’ll stick with the devil you know, even if it kills you inside. 

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed excessive formatting

[edith]

I think you guys might be right. It is going to be enormously difficult for me to leave him once I can confirm that he has feelings for her. But not impossible. I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life in order to be with him. He’s present with me and our family; but he doesn’t give me all of him. That becomes less and less acceptable to me the more his relationship with this woman deepens.

 

At the same time - and this is not me downplaying his emotional involvement, I really think my initial view of his reaction to her statement yesterday was incorrect. I think he’s being mean to her. She tells him she’s craving sex and wishes he were there, and he writes “Haha”? Like, what does that mean? He doesn’t believe her? He thinks it’s funny she’s needy? If he’s being mean and sarcastic - and I think he is - then he can’t really be that into her, right? Am I kidding myself?

 

I’ve reconsidered visiting my lawyer again. I can feel myself changing my mind about how essential he is in my life.

[BaileyB]

So your best case scenario is your unfaithful husband, who is being mean and manipulative to this other woman, suddenly ends this relationship. What exactly are you left with edith? 

[lana-banana]

48 minutes ago, edith said:

At the same time - and this is not me downplaying his emotional involvement, I really think my initial view of his reaction to her statement yesterday was incorrect. I think he’s being mean to her. She tells him she’s craving sex and wishes he were there, and he writes “Haha”? Like, what does that mean? He doesn’t believe her? He thinks it’s funny she’s needy? If he’s being mean and sarcastic - and I think he is - then he can’t really be that into her, right? Am I kidding myself?

 

Yes, you're kidding yourself. He's laughing because he loves the idea that now she's the one craving him, after she told him she was calling it quits. It's a simple comment, that's all. She's desperate to have sex with him and you think he's being mean to her? They have spent more than a decade teasing and desiring each other. Neither is going anywhere anytime soon.

 

I don't understand why you're entertaining him at all. Per your own posts, he has cheated on you multiple times throughout your marriage, and this woman is only different because they've kept it going for so long. But your husband has so little respect for you he doesn't even bother trying to hide the fact that he's cheating. It's not clear that your marriage means anything to him, other than possibly a source of stability for your child. Why are you putting up with this? What do you gain? Where is your dignity? 

[edith]

Those of you saying that they’ve tried to say goodbye are correct. I found out about the affair in 2010, 2 years after they started it, and they already had more than 500 emails. Then it evolved to text messages, phone calls, meetings. I have meticulously pieced information together and they have “broken up” at least a dozen times. This does not include the times one or both suddenly stopped communication. 

 

I tell myself he wants her because he can’t have her - they’ve only had oral sex. It’s only the thrill of the chase. But then I realize he hasn’t kept other women longer than 6 months, at least the ones I’ve known about. This one, he always goes back to. Could it really be just because of good head? It’s been 11 years of the affair and 12 years that they’ve known each other. 

 

I don’t know why I keep insisting that if they meet in January, it will be the end. She asked if he wanted to be with her all day, or just an afternoon, and he wrote “As long as you can”. They plan on meeting on a Wednesday in Manhattan, where he will be staying, and my blood runs cold when I imagine that he might ask her to stay. Will he even work the next day? Or is it just an excuse to see her?

 

I keep putting the info together - a few weeks ago when he told her that it wasn’t easy for him to cheat, that he understood her hesitation, then that he told her to have a “wonderful life” and enjoy her family, then telling her that if they had one lore day together, it would be “a proper goodbye” and they could “move on”. My gut tells me he has no intention of moving on. I’m really starting to think that he has real feelings for this woman.

 

This leads me into so much anguish that it’s almost unbearable. I do want to leave him. But I still doubt that he loves her. It’s as if I have these blinders on and they’re impossible to remove. Do I need him so badly that I can’t see that he has emotionally moved on to someone else - her?

 

Ladies reading this - if you were in my position, would you accept the “she was just sex” excuse if your husband said it? I’m certain this would be his reply if I confronted him.

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, edith said:

Ladies reading this - if you were in my position, would you accept the “she was just sex” excuse if your husband said it? I’m certain this would be his reply if I confronted him.

 

edith, have you not read the multitude of posts where the women on this board have said “why are you tolerating this kind of behavior from your husband?” and told you that they would not stay in this marriage?

 

I read your post and think to myself, you have wasted so much of your life following the exploits of your husband. I still say, you must get something out of these “investigations” or you wouldn’t continue to do it. 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, edith said:

Ladies reading this - if you were in my position, would you accept the “she was just sex” excuse if your husband said it? I’m certain this would be his reply if I confronted him.

 

I have read all 25 pages of this thread and I'm shocked by the way you ignore all the advice given to you. I feel like your thread is just a public diary entry written for an anonymous audience. 

Yes, you met with your lawyer but then back peddled b/c the financial consequences of divorce would mean your quality of life (upper class) would take a hard nose dive (which is obviously something you don't want to happen). And yes, you have a therapist, but you have ignored your therapist's advice too. 

 

If I had been married to a serial cheater like your husband, I would have done everything opposite that you have done. I would not have wasted years of my life snooping on my husband's digital devices to make assumptions about the context of the electronic communication I discovered between him and the affair partner. I would not stay silent.

 

What I would have done: 

-filed for divorce regardless of the financial outcome and made sure my children were financially secure with their school, healthcare, and interpersonal needs. 

 

I am sorry that your husband has defiled your marriage with his 10+year affairs with other women and this one woman. What is really unfortunate, is how you are unwilling to discuss his affairs with your husband in person. And, discuss divorce that would benefit everyone financially (as that is your sticking point). But, if you choose to stay with your husband, then why this thread? Why do you care what people think about your situation if you're not even willing to address it face to face with your husband, who is the cheater and created this situation for you? 

 

If I had to give up a mansion and cars and luxury vacations to get away from a husband who "kept" me as an ornament for celebrity affairs, who cheated on me with countless women, I would do it. It would be emotionally devastating, but I would do it. My self-worth means more to me than all of that material lifestyle. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Watercolors said:

 

I have read all 25 pages of this thread and I'm shocked by the way you ignore all the advice given to you. I feel like your thread is just a public diary entry written for an anonymous audience. 

 

And this is her second thread, there is an equally long thread from last year where much the same advice was offered. 

[Prudence V]

On 12/13/2019 at 5:22 PM, edith said:

Ladies reading this - if you were in my position, would you accept the “she was just sex” excuse if your husband said it?

No.
 

But then, I wouldn’t be in your position. The minute my husband showed me any disrespect I’d be gone. 

[BaileyB]

Edith, you teach people how to treat you. He could only think that excuse would be acceptable because you have accepted it already for so many years. Most women would have put him out a long, long time ago...

[PinkElephants]

On 12/13/2019 at 9:22 AM, edith said:

It’s as if I have these blinders on and they’re impossible to remove.

There are none more blind than those who do not wish to see.

 

Do you know why people worry? Because it makes them feel like they're doing something even though they're accomplishing nothing. I wonder if that's what you're doing with all of the meticulous cataloging, obsessive analyzing and posting here where you don't listen to anyone. Wringing your hands over the same old evidence at least feels like you're working towards something. 

 

I can understand; doing nothing is unbearable but you don't actually want to do anything. If you confront your husband then you have to make a choice. You either openly accept his infidelity or you leave and you're not ready to do either one. 

 

Your husband has an emotional reaction when she flakes on him. An emotional reaction means an emotional attachment. He wants to please her, he takes care in the way he speaks to her, not being able to see her makes him cranky. You also say that he distances himself from you when she's in the picture and it's because he'd rather invest his time and energy into her. 

 

The fact that you never fight isn't necessarily a good thing. Anger and frustration are emotional responses we have when dealing with things we care about like our jobs or children. He gets frustrated about not seeing the OW but is totally unbothered in his relationship with you because he just doesn't care that much.

 

In the end, I highly doubt he'll leave for her because he doesn't have to. He's free to pursue her without interference from you while you take care of the business, kids and protect his image. His relationship with the OW is older than your children with no sign of slowing down; are you really prepared to continue watching them take breaks and come back together while you fret on the sidelines in a state of immobile panic?

[edith]

I understand. My approach isn’t mainstream but I really think if I can weather this storm, I can save my family. Do you guys really think if I confront him and he can no longer pursue her, he will end up leaving me? All I want to know is if he’s in love with her, because that would make me act. But at the same time, I keep thinking that if he does see her in January, at a hotel for 2 days like they’re planning, he might fall for her then. 

[stillafool]

On 12/11/2019 at 6:05 PM, edith said:

I

Quote

think you guys might be right. It is going to be enormously difficult for me to leave him once I can confirm that he has feelings for her. But not impossible. I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life in order to be with him. He’s present with me and our family; but he doesn’t give me all of him. That becomes less and less acceptable to me the more his relationship with this woman deepens.

Edith, no you won't.  You've known for years he has feelings for this OW and you're still there.  You may be fooling yourself but no one here.

 

On 12/11/2019 at 6:05 PM, edith said:

Quote

 

At the same time - and this is not me downplaying his emotional involvement, I really think my initial view of his reaction to her statement yesterday was incorrect. I think he’s being mean to her. She tells him she’s craving sex and wishes he were there, and he writes “Haha”? Like, what does that mean? He doesn’t believe her? He thinks it’s funny she’s needy? If he’s being mean and sarcastic - and I think he is - then he can’t really be that into her, right? Am I kidding myself?

 

I’ve reconsidered visiting my lawyer again. I can feel myself changing my mind about how essential he is in my life.

 

You're back tracking already and you will still be posting this same stuff 5 years from now.   It's clear he isn't going anywhere, at least until the kids are older so why not just relax and stop snooping.  Nothing is going to change.

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, edith said:

I keep thinking that if he does see her in January, at a hotel for 2 days like they’re planning, he might fall for her then. 

 

He’s already fallen for her. You want to know if he will leave you, and nobody has the answer to that. 

Edited December 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[PinkElephants]

On 12/16/2019 at 10:32 AM, edith said:

Do you guys really think if I confront him and he can no longer pursue her, he will end up leaving me? 

Why wouldn’t he be able to pursue her? If you confront him then he’ll know you’ve put up with it this long so why wouldn’t you keep putting up with it? 

[vla1120]

On 12/16/2019 at 1:32 PM, edith said:

I understand. My approach isn’t mainstream but I really think if I can weather this storm, I can save my family. Do you guys really think if I confront him and he can no longer pursue her, he will end up leaving me? All I want to know is if he’s in love with her, because that would make me act. But at the same time, I keep thinking that if he does see her in January, at a hotel for 2 days like they’re planning, he might fall for her then. 

 

Edith, I "saved" my family for 18 years after my youngest was born (when her father cheated with my best friend during my pregnancy.) I now have three daughters who have dysfunctional relationships because they did not have a healthy representation of how a married couple properly treats one another. So, go ahead and kid yourself that you're doing this to "save" your family. If you REALLY want to save your children, stop the facade of this fairy tale marriage you portray. Regardless of how much you fake in front of the world, children know. By the way, how long are you willing to "weather this storm" because I see no end in sight?

[edith]

Thank you all for the input.

 

My plan is to let this affair die since she’s moving 3 hours away. So even if they see each other in January, if they stay apart - or if she says no to him - until June, then she will move away, and there’s no way that he’s going to drive 3 hours to see her. So it will be over, and then I don’t have to worry anymore, at least until the kids leave for college in 6-7 years.

 

I do think I’m keeping the kids safe because divorce wreaks so much havoc in everyone’s life. I understand how most people disagree, but I truly believe that if he’s not in love with this woman, I can accept his other infidelities and maintain a stable environment for me and the kids. Even the business is a lesser consideration right now.

 

But I do know I won’t be able to stomach this if I know he is either in love with her, or waiting for her to get divorced so they can be together. I could not withstand that. They haven’t had any contact since last week, and he still checks her FB profile every day, according to his search log. The last time they texted was when he said “Haha” to her message about wanting sex and wishing he were there. She never replied. So I don’t know exactly why he’s staying away. Maybe his interest is sagging or he doesn’t need daily contact with her, which sounds fishy to me. If he has all of these feelings for her, why this behavior? A part of me hopes that he will flake on her in January and they won’t get together.

Edited December 18, 2019 by edith
Misspelled

[preraph]

If he's doing all this to sleep with this woman for all these years, then he's no doubt been taking every available opportunity to sleep with other women if he gets a chance.  

[edith]

If both of you had read the thread, you would know that I know about his many NSA affairs and they don’t bother me; but this is the only affair he keeps going back to for 11 years. That’s why my main concern is whether he has feelings for her, not whether he’s sleeping with other people.

[preraph]

So why don't you just ask him?  You do realize that if a man likes sex with another woman well enough, he might leave you for her whether he "loves" her or not.  

[2BGoodAgain]

On 12/13/2019 at 12:22 PM, edith said:

Those of you saying that they’ve tried to say goodbye are correct. I found out about the affair in 2010, 2 years after they started it, and they already had more than 500 emails. Then it evolved to text messages, phone calls, meetings. I have meticulously pieced information together and they have “broken up” at least a dozen times. This does not include the times one or both suddenly stopped communication. 

 

I tell myself he wants her because he can’t have her - they’ve only had oral sex. It’s only the thrill of the chase. But then I realize he hasn’t kept other women longer than 6 months, at least the ones I’ve known about. This one, he always goes back to. Could it really be just because of good head? It’s been 11 years of the affair and 12 years that they’ve known each other. 

 

I don’t know why I keep insisting that if they meet in January, it will be the end. She asked if he wanted to be with her all day, or just an afternoon, and he wrote “As long as you can”. They plan on meeting on a Wednesday in Manhattan, where he will be staying, and my blood runs cold when I imagine that he might ask her to stay. Will he even work the next day? Or is it just an excuse to see her?

 

I keep putting the info together - a few weeks ago when he told her that it wasn’t easy for him to cheat, that he understood her hesitation, then that he told her to have a “wonderful life” and enjoy her family, then telling her that if they had one lore day together, it would be “a proper goodbye” and they could “move on”. My gut tells me he has no intention of moving on. I’m really starting to think that he has real feelings for this woman.

 

This leads me into so much anguish that it’s almost unbearable. I do want to leave him. But I still doubt that he loves her. It’s as if I have these blinders on and they’re impossible to remove. Do I need him so badly that I can’t see that he has emotionally moved on to someone else - her?

 

Ladies reading this - if you were in my position, would you accept the “she was just sex” excuse if your husband said it? I’m certain this would be his reply if I confronted him.

hmm....

 

Can I give you some perspective and perhaps this will help you a little?

 

I had a 12+yrs affair with a woman who was married. I was in 2 long term relationships during this time.

 

We also ended it... mostly from her, a few times from me... we ended it b/c it was wrong, but after a while, i think we both got used to it... or rather, we rationalized it as being such an epic love affair... the love of a life time, as the delusion goes.. that we justified pretty much anything for that... it's a delusion, but that's how we rationalized it.

 

after a while, we would "break up" mostly b/c she would ask me to leave my current relationship and I wouldn't.

 

But after every break up, I would be intruding upon my AP's life... i would initiate contact and b/c we were both addicted to the highs we felt when we talked/had sexual conversations.. we kept falling back into our pattern. I could tell you we spent literally 18hr days contacting via text/calls... your hub may think it's a emotional connection and it may be to some extent, but something about the woman or what the woman does or what the woman means ... triggers something in your hub that he isn't getting in real life, aka as his marriage with you. The woman is an escape from his reality with you. or something he doesn't want to face, or something he feels he doesn't have in his marriage.

 

it's not just about sex. sex is just the visible after effects, but what hooks him isn't the sex, something else is bringing him back to her.

Might be the same for her.

 

as for this last hurrah... my last hurrah with my AP turned out to be a vacation from hell... filled with sex/lust/love(?)/arguments/fights/drama/etc....

 

i guess what i'm trying to tell you .. is this. 

 

He may think he's in love, but what he thinks he feels and what he actually feels .... feelings can be very VERY deceptive.

 

As for what you should do... let me put it to you like this.. whether or not, you decide to forgive him and take him back and just end all this... 

think of him like an addict... he's addicted to this other woman, whether emotionally or a chemical high.. and you have to treat him like thus...

until he hits rock bottom, he will not change or have remorse for how he's hurt you(though im' sure he'll be in remorse for his own situation getting caught, possibly not talking to the other woman, etc)... or how he's damaged his life with everyone around him... he won't see any of that until you show him rock bottom... then mebbe, mebbe... he'll wake up from this...

 

and don't just take him back, (IF that's what you decide).. have him make meaningful actions.

 

1) remove all contact with the other woman.

2) answer any questions you have about his affair ... he'll probably lie... or try to minimize it... but let him know you've read everythign and he might be more inclined to answer honestly... do this for YOUR sake, not his... 

3) see therapy.. regardless if you take him back, he needs to do this for himself... not really your responsibility about the therapy bit, but IF you decide to take him back, he NEEDS to realize he needs help.. if he doesn't.. then leave him. That's my advice. b/c he'll relapse and keep cheating on you.. whether with this woman or someone else, to replace whatever it is that he thinks he's getting from this other woman...

 

just my perspective. 

 

and only after all this, mebbe.. you two can look into why he looked outside the relationship... and figure out if it's something he needs to fix.. change his view, etc.. or if it's something you two can work together to salvage this relationship.

 

look up self help forums online that tell you how to deal with situations where your partner cheats on you... they have plenty of resources.... to help you salvage or just get answers, effectively.

 

Good luck, and rooting for you.. believe it or not.

 

 

Edited December 18, 2019 by 2BGoodAgain

[vla1120]

47 minutes ago, edith said:

Thank you all for the input.

 

My plan is to let this affair die since she’s moving 3 hours away. So even if they see each other in January, if they stay apart - or if she says no to him - until June, then she will move away, and there’s no way that he’s going to drive 3 hours to see her. So it will be over, and then I don’t have to worry anymore, at least until the kids leave for college in 6-7 years.

 

I do think I’m keeping the kids safe because divorce wreaks so much havoc in everyone’s life. I understand how most people disagree, but I truly believe that if he’s not in love with this woman, I can accept his other infidelities and maintain a stable environment for me and the kids. Even the business is a lesser consideration right now.

 

But I do know I won’t be able to stomach this if I know he is either in love with her, or waiting for her to get divorced so they can be together. I could not withstand that. They haven’t had any contact since last week, and he still checks her FB profile every day, according to his search log. The last time they texted was when he said “Haha” to her message about wanting sex and wishing he were there. She never replied. So I don’t know exactly why he’s staying away. Maybe his interest is sagging or he doesn’t need daily contact with her, which sounds fishy to me. If he has all of these feelings for her, why this behavior? A part of me hopes that he will flake on her in January and they won’t get together.

You are right. Divorce wreaks havoc. So does staying in a bad relationship. What toll has this situation taken on your mental and physical health, I wonder?

 

Here is my honest assessment of what I would do if I were in your situation: Go with your plan to let the affair die. BUT, if you find out there is even one more form of contact with her, confront him. Since he checks her social media every day, I suspect he will reach out to her again. He won't be able to help himself. Maybe that D-day is exactly what he will need to either snap him out of it, or at least he'll tell you the truth and you'll know once and for all what his intentions are with her. I suspect he'll want to stay and not give up his marriage because you have made it SO very comfortable for him - which will be good news for you because he may finally give her up. If I were you, I would also mention his other indiscretions because, even if you are willing to overlook them to keep your family intact, he needs to realize it's disrespectful to you. Also, who's to say he doesn't fall in love with his next conquest? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him wondering?

 

I don't know what it is in your life that makes you feel like his behavior - on any level - is okay to accept. We've all seen the movies where women had to turn a blind eye to their husbands' affairs because otherwise, if they make a stink, they would not be able to live in the comfort to which they've become accustomed. That is not true for today, however. A woman does not need a man to take care of her and a marriage should be a mutually respectful partnership. Yours is not and I wonder what it will take for you to step out from the darkness.

[Piddy]

I don't know why you just don't have a talk with him and tell him you're fine with him cheating as long as he never leaves you for one of his mistresses.  It seems to work for the French. 😉  You seem to know everything he's doing behind your back anyway, so why not get it all out in the open so you're both on the same page?