I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[stillafool]

What was wrong with that counselor? They told you to divorce your husband, huh?

[S2B]

How does she not allow it? She texted him “Thinking of you... I can’t talk but just wanted you to know” and he never replied. He’s the one staying away.

 

“Can’t talk right now”

 

He would wait and wait until the light turns green.

 

In the meantime he has you cooking, cleaning and taking care of him - why would he leave you? He can cheat with multiple women and you have stayed.

 

I’m glad you may make forward moves to take your life back.

[BaileyB]

What was wrong with that counselor? They told you to divorce your husband, huh?

 

Also my thought. I’m assuming that it will be difficult to get along with any counsellor who doesn’t support your preoccupation with this woman and your decision to stay in the marriage despite the numerous infidelities.

Edited November 12, 2019 by BaileyB

[vla1120]

Edith, besides your husband suddenly becoming completely faithful to you, what would be your ideal outcome in this situation? I know that a divorce would be drawn out and troublesome because of your business, but I wonder what would be best for YOU. I think staying in this situation, witnessing his every move with this woman, is going to continue to chip away at your sanity and self-esteem.

 

You didn't like your previous therapist. As a woman who has been to many therapists with her daughters and husbands over the years, sometimes you have to keep trying new therapists until you find one with whom you click (which is why I have been to so many.) My practice used to be to give them three sessions. If after three sessions I still wasn't feeling it (or my daughters were not feeling it), I would change. A good therapist understands that and WANTS you to be successful (and will even recommend a different therapist for you.)

[edith]

The ideal outcome would be for him to drop this other woman forever, and it looks like I’m getting my wish, because he has t looked for her. I also want him to not be in love with her. Am I being unreasonable?

 

I agree about the therapist. I have all of these feelings about his infidelity and they go dormant once this one affair is on the back burner.

 

What I really want to know is if I have something to worry about in terms of him leaving or being in love with her. I hate him with all of my might when I imagine him having feelings for her, and forgive him when they’re not together. To look at this objectively, he hasn’t seen her in 6 years, and now they’re not even talking.

[BaileyB]

The ideal outcome would be for him to drop this other woman forever, and it looks like I’m getting my wish, because he has t looked for her. I also want him to not be in love with her. Am I being unreasonable?

 

Unreasonable? No. Unrealistic? Yes.

 

It’s not unreasonable to expect a husband to be faithful. A husband who has sex/feelings for another woman would not be acceptable to the majority of women.

 

Considering that your husband has been engaged with this woman for many years, and has had multiple affairs with other women, the thought that he is somehow magically going to drop her and become faithful to you is totally unrealistic.

 

And again, I will ask, why is your ideal outcome focused on his relationship with this other woman? Your ideal outcome is focused on something that you do not control. What we are all trying to say is that you will not possibly find happiness if your happiness is dependent on whether your chronically unfaithful husband ends his relationship with (any)other woman. You have no control over that, and it’s a terrible way to live your life.

Edited November 13, 2019 by BaileyB

[SolG]

The ideal outcome would be for him to drop this other woman forever, and it looks like I’m getting my wish, because he has t looked for her. I also want him to not be in love with her. Am I being unreasonable?

 

I agree about the therapist. I have all of these feelings about his infidelity and they go dormant once this one affair is on the back burner.

 

What I really want to know is if I have something to worry about in terms of him leaving or being in love with her. I hate him with all of my might when I imagine him having feelings for her, and forgive him when they’re not together. To look at this objectively, he hasn’t seen her in 6 years, and now they’re not even talking.

 

Edith, If your H is the garden variety cheater - which from your posts it does seem likely - he's not going anywhere. He has you to provide a stable and respectable family home; and other women for extra fun, kicks, fantasy, whatever. Seriously, why would he give that all up? Sweet package for him by all accounts!

 

What fundamental difference does it actually make to you - in practical terms - who he loves? Lets assume he loves you in his own way... What if he loves this long-term OW as well? What if he loves his other shorter-term OW as well in a way? What if he loves everyone?! What if he loves some, or none?

 

Let's assume the most likely course of action here in that he is highly unlikely to be going anywhere regardless of his feelings for anyone else... Let's take him leaving off the table and ask what's the actual so what for you?

 

You hate him when you imagine him loving someone else. Seemingly even when that doesn't threaten your life as you know it, and your carefully crafted wilful ignorance. Why? What about him having other partners, as long as he doesn't care for them, is okay? Why is it not okay when he loves them, but the outcome for you is the same?

 

Let's get to the nub of your discontent. He's not leaving. And I think you know it. But there's something about him caring about someone else that does something to you emotionally. That's what you need to explore.

[Prudence V]

The ideal outcome would be for him to drop this other woman forever, and it looks like I’m getting my wish, because he has t looked for her. I also want him to not be in love with her. Am I being unreasonable?

 

He hasn’t looked for her... recently. As far as you can tell. But then, as you’ve reported elsewhere, he does go through periods of no contact, so this might just be one of those. It really isn’t something you have control over. You’re literally pinning your hopes to a whim - if the mood takes him to contact her, your heart will be smashed against the rocks again. Your hope only endures as long as he doesn’t leave any traces of contact with her.

 

Is that really how you want to live?

[S2B]

It’s true that when you take charge of what happens to you - that’s when you’ll begin to be happy.

 

Not doing anything about anyone doing you wrong is betraying yourself.

 

Once you start doing something about him doing you wrong - that’s when you’ll start feeling better. It would be a growing experience (odd for you I’m sure) but super empowering once you get used to being in charge of your life and your future.

 

Pretending to be happy while someone completely screws you over is just crazy... especially if it’s your spouse.

 

I’d rather be alone than be acting happy knowing my spouse has done me completely wrong!

[Allupinnit]

To answer your question, no he's probably not in love with her. She most likely just presents a challenge that other women (including you), don't.

 

Your husband isn't going anywhere and you don't need to worry about busting up your family our your business. He likely wants to stay together for a lot of the same reasons that you do, but still have his fun on the side. Pretty cake sitch for him.

[Allupinnit]

P.S. this OW sounds totally lame when it comes to her social media posts LOL.

[ABernie]

He hasn’t looked for her... recently. As far as you can tell. But then, as you’ve reported elsewhere, he does go through periods of no contact, so this might just be one of those. It really isn’t something you have control over. You’re literally pinning your hopes to a whim - if the mood takes him to contact her, your heart will be smashed against the rocks again. Your hope only endures as long as he doesn’t leave any traces of contact with her.

 

My xMM would only use his work computer/phone to contact me after BW found out. He would ask me to come to his work or "forget" his phone at work to see me, because she was tracking him on Life360.

[edith]

I thought it was over. He reached out to the woman last night, after 7 weeks.

He asked how she’s been and she replied “It’s too late, Jack. I’m moving away. It will be better for me in the long run if I don’t see you again. After 12 years, our time has come and gone. I know what happened between us meant different things to both of us, but it would affect me too much if I saw you again. I wish you all the best.”

I can see the time stamp on the messages and it took him almost 10 minutes to reply. He wrote “Have a wonderful life. Enjoy that family of yours.” She wrote “You do the same.” He should have left it at that, but he wrote back “Will do. At least we will have the memories.” She wrote “Haha, you never give up. I know where this is going.”

Then now it gets weird. He just wrote back “Good night.” She wrote “Wow, I’m impressed. Good night, Jack.” He couldn’t leave it alone and said “Haha. You know me too well. I am so hard thinking of you.”

And off they go dirty talking. She keeps resisting setting up a date for them to meet, but he invites her to go to NY with him! He goes there for business once a week and stays overnight. He said she could go with him. I have never seen him do that in any other messages. He keeps telling her he wants “one more day”, then they can “move on”, and it would be “a proper goodbye”. He also wrote “I *need* to see you”.

He wrote these really detailed messages of everything he wants to do to her - at one point, he says “One more day together... But anything goes. Anything.” They’ve only had oral, her on him, and now he’s talking about going down on her and how much he wants “to taste her”, and she was going along with it. They were talking for 2 hours straight. Then he told her that he “jerks off thinking about her every day”. I was destroyed.  He hasn’t seen her in 6 years and this is what he feels.

I feel that this has now escalated. There’s no way that his plan is to see her just one last time - opinions? From what I’ve been able to piece together, she will be living 30 minutes away from us until next June, then move to another state 3 hours away. At one point she asked if he can wait for her to make up her mind because it’s a big decision, and he agrees. They left it with her asking him for time to think and him agreeing.

I read the messages this morning and I’m believing everyone in this forum who says he’s emotionally involved - he’s trying to escalate everything about their relationship- am I right? I haven’t gone back to see the attorney because I honestly thought he had dropped her after she blew him off twice in a row. You guys should have seen his messages to her. I am beyond hurt and in disbelief.

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[vla1120]

I am sorry that you are hurting. It looks like he is going to aggressively pursue her until she moves three states away. Even then, depending on where she moves, and his travel schedule, if he can get her to escalate their relationship before she leaves, he may continue to try to see her after she moves away. Based on what you said, that means he has until June to get as much time with her as he can. She does not seem to be able to resist talking to him. I wonder if she will be able to resist meeting with him one or more times. 

 

He has betrayed you so many times and on so many levels, I cannot understand why you stay. Of course, the choice is yours. I would have been long gone by now. I cannot remember whether you have ever confronted him about her, specifically. Do you think it would help you if you did confront him? You have to decide whether keeping your business intact is worth this anguish you're feeling right now. What good is the business if you are this hurt and unhappy with no end in sight?

[BaileyB]

He is emotionally involved with this other woman. What does that realization mean to you edith? What are you now going to do with that information?

[Prudence V]

On 12/9/2019 at 8:38 AM, edith said:

I thought it was over. He reached out to the woman last night, after 7 weeks.

<snip>

I am beyond hurt and in disbelief.

This is pretty much what everyone predicted. I’m sorry you’ve been left blindsided and hurt. 

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[edith]

What did I expect? I expected that after having her blow him off twice in a row, he would have dropped her, which he has done to other women.

She texted him yesterday afternoon saying “Hey, do you have a minute?” This was at 3:00 in the afternoon, and he didn’t reply until 9:30 at night, saying “Hey there - just seeing this now”. No reply from her... until this morning. Early, before we started working, she wrote “That’s ok. I didn’t want to text you in the middle of a workday, but I knew I was going to be busy last night.” Then she added “I just wanted to ask where you stay in NY in case I want to book a room.”

He replied right away “Ok. It varies from week to week but I’ll let you know when I book a room.” Then she replied asking if 1/22 would work for him, because she’ll have guests in her house until after New Year’s and it’s a busy time for her to take two days off in NY. They plan on spending the night together.

He replied that it works for him, and asked “Are you ready for this c**k?” He is so graphic with her. My heart drops every time I can see how intimate they are with each other, and they’ve never had sex. She replied “You don’t know how much I’m craving sex today. I wish you were here.” He replied “Haha”. She didn’t reply at all.

Now, knowing my husband, I know exactly what he meant. He’s upset that she pushes him to the end of January, but then says she wishes he were with her. And this is what upsets *me* most of all. He won’t argue with her, he’s passive aggressive. My husband is not the type to hold back. He could call her on her s**t and leave it at that, but he thinly conceals his anger. With other women, he just stops replying if they get clingy or if he doesn’t like something, it’s very clear to me that he is not engaged. With this one, he “feels” everything. And he cares about how she takes it.

I don’t know what will happen from now on. I’m still holding out hope that they won’t meet. She might just get sick of his antics and change her mind. At one point she asked if he wanted to spend the whole day together or one afternoon, he said “As long as you can”. If this really is goodbye for them, I can see how I can hold out a little longer.

What do you guys make of his behavior? Am I right to have this gut feeling that he treats her differently?

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Divod62]

I've read your thread and I don't think he ever planned on leaving you.  He just wants to go all the way with this 11 yr OW and he's determined to see it through until he scores.  That's why he continually steers the conversation towards dirty sex talk.  He wants what he can't have.

[lana-banana]

Yes, he's very emotionally attached to her. I would also bet big money that they've tried to tell each other goodbye dozens of times before, only to start right back up again. It may be about sex, but it's not just about sex---not after 15-plus years. He wants her, specifically. What are you going to do about it?

[Prudence V]

On 12/10/2019 at 2:16 PM, edith said:

With this one, he “feels” everything. And he cares about how she takes it.

I don’t know what will happen from now on. I’m still holding out hope that they won’t meet. She might just get sick of his antics and change her mind. At one point she asked if he wanted to spend the whole day together or one afternoon, he said “As long as you can”. If this really is goodbye for them, I can see how I can hold out a little longer.

What do you guys make of his behavior? Am I right to have this gut feeling that he treats her differently?

“He cares about how she takes it”. He cares. 

“If this really is goodbye for them”.... then it’s the kind of “goodbye” Prince Andrew went to have with Jeffrey Epstein, where he (allegedly) went to break off the friendship, instead spent four days together, and certainly didn’t mention breaking off the friendship. I suspect they’ve been around that block before - agree to end things, only to resume at some point in the future. He’s clearly invested. 

edith I don’t think it’s a case of you “holding out a little longer”. You’re never going to leave him, even if you read a full-on declaration of undying love between them. You’re just hoping he leaves her and you get to keep him by default. If he doesn’t leave her, or even if he does, you’ll still be in the same place you are now, checking his messages, fearing what you might see, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’ll never be able to relax and enjoy the marriage, because you’ll never be secure in it or in his respect for you. And that’s your choice. You can choose to live like this forever, or you can choose to muster the timid shreds of self respect you have left and leave. Neither is an attractive choice, and I’m guessing you’ll stick with the devil you know, even if it kills you inside. 

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[edith]

I think you guys might be right. It is going to be enormously difficult for me to leave him once I can confirm that he has feelings for her. But not impossible. I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life in order to be with him. He’s present with me and our family; but he doesn’t give me all of him. That becomes less and less acceptable to me the more his relationship with this woman deepens.

 

At the same time - and this is not me downplaying his emotional involvement, I really think my initial view of his reaction to her statement yesterday was incorrect. I think he’s being mean to her. She tells him she’s craving sex and wishes he were there, and he writes “Haha”? Like, what does that mean? He doesn’t believe her? He thinks it’s funny she’s needy? If he’s being mean and sarcastic - and I think he is - then he can’t really be that into her, right? Am I kidding myself?

 

I’ve reconsidered visiting my lawyer again. I can feel myself changing my mind about how essential he is in my life.

[BaileyB]

So your best case scenario is your unfaithful husband, who is being mean and manipulative to this other woman, suddenly ends this relationship. What exactly are you left with edith? 

[lana-banana]

48 minutes ago, edith said:

At the same time - and this is not me downplaying his emotional involvement, I really think my initial view of his reaction to her statement yesterday was incorrect. I think he’s being mean to her. She tells him she’s craving sex and wishes he were there, and he writes “Haha”? Like, what does that mean? He doesn’t believe her? He thinks it’s funny she’s needy? If he’s being mean and sarcastic - and I think he is - then he can’t really be that into her, right? Am I kidding myself?

 

Yes, you're kidding yourself. He's laughing because he loves the idea that now she's the one craving him, after she told him she was calling it quits. It's a simple comment, that's all. She's desperate to have sex with him and you think he's being mean to her? They have spent more than a decade teasing and desiring each other. Neither is going anywhere anytime soon.

 

I don't understand why you're entertaining him at all. Per your own posts, he has cheated on you multiple times throughout your marriage, and this woman is only different because they've kept it going for so long. But your husband has so little respect for you he doesn't even bother trying to hide the fact that he's cheating. It's not clear that your marriage means anything to him, other than possibly a source of stability for your child. Why are you putting up with this? What do you gain? Where is your dignity? 

[edith]

Those of you saying that they’ve tried to say goodbye are correct. I found out about the affair in 2010, 2 years after they started it, and they already had more than 500 emails. Then it evolved to text messages, phone calls, meetings. I have meticulously pieced information together and they have “broken up” at least a dozen times. This does not include the times one or both suddenly stopped communication. 

 

I tell myself he wants her because he can’t have her - they’ve only had oral sex. It’s only the thrill of the chase. But then I realize he hasn’t kept other women longer than 6 months, at least the ones I’ve known about. This one, he always goes back to. Could it really be just because of good head? It’s been 11 years of the affair and 12 years that they’ve known each other. 

 

I don’t know why I keep insisting that if they meet in January, it will be the end. She asked if he wanted to be with her all day, or just an afternoon, and he wrote “As long as you can”. They plan on meeting on a Wednesday in Manhattan, where he will be staying, and my blood runs cold when I imagine that he might ask her to stay. Will he even work the next day? Or is it just an excuse to see her?

 

I keep putting the info together - a few weeks ago when he told her that it wasn’t easy for him to cheat, that he understood her hesitation, then that he told her to have a “wonderful life” and enjoy her family, then telling her that if they had one lore day together, it would be “a proper goodbye” and they could “move on”. My gut tells me he has no intention of moving on. I’m really starting to think that he has real feelings for this woman.

 

This leads me into so much anguish that it’s almost unbearable. I do want to leave him. But I still doubt that he loves her. It’s as if I have these blinders on and they’re impossible to remove. Do I need him so badly that I can’t see that he has emotionally moved on to someone else - her?

 

Ladies reading this - if you were in my position, would you accept the “she was just sex” excuse if your husband said it? I’m certain this would be his reply if I confronted him.

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, edith said:

Ladies reading this - if you were in my position, would you accept the “she was just sex” excuse if your husband said it? I’m certain this would be his reply if I confronted him.

 

edith, have you not read the multitude of posts where the women on this board have said “why are you tolerating this kind of behavior from your husband?” and told you that they would not stay in this marriage?

 

I read your post and think to myself, you have wasted so much of your life following the exploits of your husband. I still say, you must get something out of these “investigations” or you wouldn’t continue to do it.