I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[vla1120]

Edith, can I ask you a question? What if he does love her? Knowing what you know about him, do you believe he would leave you for her? What if he loves her, but would still stay with you? This has been going on for years and he's given no indication that he would leave you for her. 

 

Clearly you do have an unorthodox view on this topic, considering most women out here have said they do not share your views about being okay with your husband's infidelity, as long as he does not develop feelings for his OW. Your original question has always been "Do you think he has feelings for her?" Maybe your question should be "Will he leave me if he loves her?" He's got the best of both worlds - he can step out of his marriage and keep his family intact. Why would he jeopardize that? I think, regardless of his feelings, he's going to stay with you because he'll be hard pressed to find another woman who would be as accommodating as you are to save your family.

 

There are cultures where this is normal behavior and men are not expected to be monogamous. If you are okay with this unspoken agreement, then I would let sleeping dogs lie. Wait and see what he does in January and go from there.

 

As I have stated previously, my concern would be what kind of example you are setting for your children. If they say a loving, mutually respectful marriage (at least on the outside), then maybe they will be okay. My daughters were not, but we did not do a good job of pretending to be respectful, supportive, and loving to one another.  

[Watercolors]

51 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

DO you want to stay married with him?

 

I recall the poster edith stating in this thread and her other previous affair-related threads somewhere, that she stays in this marriage for the financial security and lifestyle her husband provides for her and her two children. So, money, vacations, a nice house and car, nice clothes, nice school for her children I think is why edith stays in this marriage. I think she eluded to co-owning a company with her husband too, and that a divorce would break up the company and ruin her financially. 

 

[edith]

I find it very interesting how some posters’ gender biases influence their posts. My husband does not “provide” me with a lifestyle. I started the business and he joined me after he lost his corporate job. And we’re only upper middle class, so the ridiculous assumption that I stay for “vacations” and whatever else comes only from the warped, money-envying mind of the last poster.

 

Yes, it does matter if he loves her. I can’t keep hurting myself like this if I know he has feelings for her. He doesn’t get to stay in my life if he loves someone else, even if he wants to. Because if he loves someone else, he clearly doesn’t love me. I can conceive of his having sex with someone else but only loving me, but having feelings for another woman is too much. At the same time, I am confused as to whether this one is really just sex - it’s been happening for so long.

[Piddy]

8 minutes ago, edith said:

I find it very interesting how some posters’ gender biases influence their posts. My husband does not “provide” me with a lifestyle. I started the business and he joined me after he lost his corporate job. And we’re only upper middle class, so the ridiculous assumption that I stay for “vacations” and whatever else comes only from the warped, money-envying mind of the last poster.

 

Yes, it does matter if he loves her. I can’t keep hurting myself like this if I know he has feelings for her. He doesn’t get to stay in my life if he loves someone else, even if he wants to. Because if he loves someone else, he clearly doesn’t love me. I can conceive of his having sex with someone else but only loving me, but having feelings for another woman is too much. At the same time, I am confused as to whether this one is really just sex - it’s been happening for so long.

 

I don't see the difference if he loves her or not. 🤔  The issue is whether he would leave you or not.  How would you know if he loved her?  Catch him saying it behind his back?  What if he's just telling her that and doesn't mean it?  How would you know the difference? 

 

You seem you revel in all this drama.   Just tell him you're OK with him banging this women as long as he promises to not leave you.  Then everyone moves on with their lives.  No more drama..............

Edited December 20, 2019 by Piddy

[2BGoodAgain]

1 minute ago, Piddy said:

 

I don't see the difference if he loves her or not. 🤔  The issue is whether he would leave you or not.  How would you know if he loved her?  Catch him saying it behind his back?  What if he's just telling her that and doesn't mean it?  How would you know the difference? 

 

You seem you revel in all this drama.   Just tell him you're OK with him banging this women as long as he promises to not leave you.  Then everyone moves on with their lives.  No more drama..............

 

be nicer... haha....

 

sometimes, guys and girls, need something repeatedly repeatedly bashed into their brains before they hear what everyone is telling them.

 

it's called denial. i think. wait, am i in denial???

[edith]

I wasn’t referring to you, 2BGood, your posts have been spot on and very helpful. Watercolors was the one making far-reaching assumptions and insinuating I’m staying for money, which I am not.

 

i can’t conceive of a husband who loves someone else. I want someone who loves only me.

Edited December 20, 2019 by edith

[edith]

Forgot to add - I can know if he loves her by the facts. Do men chase the same woman for 11 years because of good head, which has only happened between them 6 times in 11years? They’ve never even had intercourse because from what I’ve read , she refuses to do it.

 

At the same time, it has never progressed in all of this time. So he could just want sex.

Edited December 20, 2019 by edith

[Piddy]

1 minute ago, edith said:

I wasn’t referring to you, 2BGood, your posts have been spot on and very helpful. Watercolors was the one making far-reaching assumptions and insinuating I’m staying for money, which I am not.

 

i can’t conceive of a husband who loves someone else. I want someone who loves only me.

 

edith,  you are in denial.  He doesn't love you.  If he truly loved you, he would never cheat on you, because a person who loves someone would never want to hurt them by cheating.

[Piddy]

20 minutes ago, edith said:

Forgot to add - I can know if he loves her by the facts. Do men chase the same woman for 11 years because of good head, which has only happened between them 6 times in 11years? They’ve never even had intercourse because from what I’ve read , she refuses to do it.

 

At the same time, it has never progressed in all of this time. So he could just want sex.

 

Do you and your husband have good sex?  Do you give your husband good head?  Are you and your husband sexually compatible?  If a wife is unwilling to perform a sex act with her husband that he likes he may look elsewhere. 

 

If he's only gotten blown by her 6 times in 11 years and they never f***ed then it ain't about the sex.  Also, blowjobs are sex.  None of this makes any sense to me.  🙃   I can't imagine waiting 11 years to bang someone.  If it were just about sex I would think he could find someone else to screw in less than 11 years. 😉

Edited December 20, 2019 by Piddy

[K.K.]

Quote

My husband has been cheating with the same woman for over a decade is this serious? 

 

Forgive me, I haven’t read the thread but it keeps popping up at the top of the timeline and lemme tell you .. I’ve really struggled not to answer this but ocd is making my eyes twitch so I think once I say this, I’ll be able to go on. ... 

 

Your husband has been screwing someone else for over a decade. 10 years of screwing someone else.  

 

I’d say WHY YES THIS IS MOST SERIOUS. 

 

WHEW! 

 

Lord forgive me... 🥴

[edith]

I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either. They used to work together, she came on to him online after she left the company, it took them 1.5 years to have oral sex for the first time, they spent that time talking on and off because she acted as if she didn’t want to cheat on her husband- she said she was a virgin when she got married and she’s never wanted to cheat until she met my husband.

 

thats when I find the emails. Over 500 of them. They had sex twice more that year, then he starts offering her jobs working for him at least once a year, she refused them all. They met again for sex 3 more times a couple of years later. There have been THOUSANDS of messages I’ve found. They’ve broken up over a dozen times. Every time he goes back to her - and he cheats with countless other women - my heart drops.

 

We have sex a couple times a week but it’s hard for me when she’s in the picture. I do perform oral, but he seems mesmerized by whatever she does in his messages, which makes me not want to do it at all. He acts as if she’s his sexual soulmate and they’ve never had intercourse! It doesn’t make sense to me. That’s why I come here, to try to understand it.

[edith]

5 minutes ago, K.K. said:

 

Forgive me, I haven’t read the thread but it keeps popping up at the top of the timeline and lemme tell you .. I’ve really struggled not to answer this but ocd is making my eyes twitch so I think once I say this, I’ll be able to go on. ... 

 

Your husband has been screwing someone else for over a decade. 10 years of screwing someone else.  

 

I’d say WHY YES THIS IS MOST SERIOUS. 

 

WHEW! 

 

Lord forgive me... 🥴

He hasn’t even been screwing her. They’ve only had oral sex 6 times in 11 years. And he keeps looking for her.

[Piddy]

6 minutes ago, edith said:

I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either. They used to work together, she came on to him online after she left the company, it took them 1.5 years to have oral sex for the first time, they spent that time talking on and off because she acted as if she didn’t want to cheat on her husband- she said she was a virgin when she got married and she’s never wanted to cheat until she met my husband.

 

thats when I find the emails. Over 500 of them. They had sex twice more that year, then he starts offering her jobs working for him at least once a year, she refused them all. They met again for sex 3 more times a couple of years later. There have been THOUSANDS of messages I’ve found. They’ve broken up over a dozen times. Every time he goes back to her - and he cheats with countless other women - my heart drops.

 

We have sex a couple times a week but it’s hard for me when she’s in the picture. I do perform oral, but he seems mesmerized by whatever she does in his messages, which makes me not want to do it at all. He acts as if she’s his sexual soulmate and they’ve never had intercourse! It doesn’t make sense to me. That’s why I come here, to try to understand it.

 

So is he actually f***ing these 'countless other women?  That would bother me more than the 6 blowjobs in 11 years woman.  I don't think he loves the 6 blowjob woman.  It sounds like he's a persistent SOB and will never give up until he bangs her.  

 

Why don't you ask your husband what he would like you to do to him sexually?  Maybe he'll ask you to do what the 6 blowjob in 11 years woman does.  😎

[Timshel]

This whole thread and past thread isn't about her or your husband Edith.  This is all about you.  This is your life, you don't get a second go and this is not a dress rehearsal.

It's as though you are living in a virtual world where nothing is real, that you are not living but an observer of your own life.

 

I understand that you have dumped counseling and why;  all of this is your choice, your decision, your action, your world. 

There isn't anything that you can blame your husband for Edith; that ended when you knew he was unfaithful and a liar but you decided to stay. 

You picked this guy and you continue to pick him despite your therapists and ls's advice.

 

We do not know if your husband is in love with this woman, how could we?  You sleep next to him in bed every night and you don't know.

Like K.K. I don't post in your thread though I have read the entirety of this and the last one.

All of this is your choice Edith, I hope that you find courage to respect yourself and protect your children, you must be a wreck living with so much fear.

I wish you well, for what it's worth. 

Everything you need is already inside of you, it always has been.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, edith said:

Quote

I find it very interesting how some posters’ gender biases influence their posts. My husband does not “provide” me with a lifestyle. I started the business and he joined me after he lost his corporate job. And we’re only upper middle class, so the ridiculous assumption that I stay for “vacations” and whatever else comes only from the warped, money-envying mind of the last poster

Oh yeah, that's right you said he's really good looking.  

 

Yes, it does matter if he loves her. I can’t keep hurting myself like this if I know he has feelings for her. He doesn’t get to stay in my life if he loves someone else, even if he wants to. Because if he loves someone else, he clearly doesn’t love me. I can conceive of his having sex with someone else but only loving me, but having feelings for another woman is too much. At the same time, I am confused as to whether this one is really just sex - it’s been happening for so long.

Um, it is definitely you he is in love with if he has no feelings for the other women, and future other women he has sex with.  Keep telling yourself this Edith as I'm sure it's comforting to you.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, edith said:

My kids are 12 (Almost 13) and 11.

 

 

It won't be long Edith before they're gone.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, edith said:

We have sex a couple times a week but it’s hard for me when she’s in the picture. I do perform oral, but he seems mesmerized by whatever she does in his messages, which makes me not want to do it at all. He acts as if she’s his sexual soulmate and they’ve never had intercourse! It doesn’t make sense to me. That’s why I come here, to try to understand it.

She's got his mind and fulfills his emotions.  He'll never get over her.

[edith]

I don’t understand why the snarky comments. All I want to know is if it sounds like he’s in love with her.

[edith]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It won't be long Edith before they're gone.

I know. This worries me. It’s as if I know that my marriage will implode then. And this woman’s kid will leave for college at the same time.

[stillafool]

53 minutes ago, edith said:

 And this woman’s kid will leave for college at the same time.

Not good at all.  She only has one?  Also I don't see any snarky remarks people are commenting on what you wrote.

[edith]

Well, I thought your remark that he’s in love with me was snarky. But I can understand why people get frustrated with me, so it’s fine.

 

yes, she only has one child. She stopped working with my husband when he was born, she and I were pregnant at almost the exact same time. My husband used to come home and tell me how “put together” she was at work emotionally, so “different” from me. I’ll never forget it. Then she came on to him when our babies were 3 months old and she had left the company - I don’t even know what to make of that.

 

thats one of the reasons why I’m so out of sorts, I have this horrible feeling that they’re in love and just biding their time until the kids leave.

[Piddy]

3 hours ago, edith said:

 All I want to know is if it sounds like he’s in love with her.

 

Again, what difference does it make?  He checked out of you marriage years ago when he started his cheating.  You previously said you had no problem with him screwing other women as long as he wasn't in love with them.  

 

 Why didn't you confront him them? You stating that if he is in love with her, that (that) will be the straw that breaks the camels back is a veiled threat at best.  Do you realize how ridiculous it sounds when you say the blowjobs are fine as long as he never says he loves her?  I'd take a stupid love comment to someone over sex acts any day.

 

Your principled line in the sand that you've drawn makes no logical sense.  It's simply not believable that if you read in one of his emails that he loved her,  that all of a sudden you'd confront him with a divorce.

 

You keep asking if anyone here thinks that he loves her.  The only one who has that answer is your husband, but instead of asking him, you'd rather spy on him and continue wondering what other people think here.

 

Stop the charade and end this once and for all and then report back on what he said.  We're waiting on pins and needles.  🙂

 

 

 

 

[edith]

Great, thanks for the input.

 

But does it sound like he has feelings for her?

[stillafool]

Yes Edith, unfortunately yes.  Edith it's obvious he has feelings for her and has for a long time.  Why can't you see this?

Edited December 22, 2019 by stillafool

[Daisydooks]

2 hours ago, edith said:

Great, thanks for the input.

 

But does it sound like he has feelings for her?

Yes. It sounds like he has a real strong attachment emotionally. Absolutely, unequivocally, yes.