jspice Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 7 hours ago, stillafool said: Oral sex goes both ways most of the time. He's emotionally involved. Exactly! Not every sexual encounter has an oral sex portion of the evening but when it happens it’s intense and intimate. More intimate than penetrative sex. Twelve years and he’s the only one getting a blow job? 😆 I think not. and the fact that he’s more than likely done it signals his deep involvement in this relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted March 27, 2020 Author Share Posted March 27, 2020 3 hours ago, jspice said: Exactly! Not every sexual encounter has an oral sex portion of the evening but when it happens it’s intense and intimate. More intimate than penetrative sex. Twelve years and he’s the only one getting a blow job? 😆 I think not. and the fact that he’s more than likely done it signals his deep involvement in this relationship. This is something I’ve always struggled with. I’ve been reading their messages since 2010 and the last time they had sex (oral) was in 2013. They both have maintained and talked many times about it being only for him because she didn’t want to go that far (him on her) with a man she wasn’t married to. Then they’d start discussing how she was a virgin when she married at 21 and how my husband was the only other man she had ever wanted to have sex with, but she had “limits”, I think was the word used. Then he’d start talking about how much he loves that about her, that she hasn’t been with other guys. Now, I find all of this mind blowing. WHY would he be so hung up on her when they’ve never even been naked together? They’d had sex in his office and his car, because she didn’t trust him at a hotel . (?!!) I know for a fact it’s only been 6 times, blow jobs. And he acts like this, and has slept with other women. I honestly don’t know if this means nothing to him - or everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 It is never going to matter because you are never going to leave him. yes, he likely loves her. Yes he loves the attention. yes he would have sex with her any chance he gets. what don’t you get? living in a mediocre marriage being unhappy isn’t living. But you won’t do anything to change this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 13 hours ago, Azincourt said: What's so wrong about having some fun on the side? Why do we insist on trying to force attractive/rich men to be mongamous when it goes against our nature? There's nothing wrong with any man, attractive. rich, ugly or poor to have as many women as he wants. All he has to do is not get married. They are called Bachelors. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted March 27, 2020 Author Share Posted March 27, 2020 All I can think about is that a man in his right mind wouldn’t chase a woman for 12 years for blow jobs. He has to feel something for her, especially since he has been with other woman and has remained married to me. At the same time, he forgot they were supposed to meet and blew her off. Not very “in love”-sounding to me. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 Okay Edith, we agree with you and whatever helps you sleep at night. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 Maybe he just blew her off because he wasn't particularly horny at the moment. I doubt if there's very much going on between his ears honestly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 Maybe he knows you are snooping around and is playing mind games with you. I mean if we are going to be delusional here... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted March 27, 2020 Author Share Posted March 27, 2020 15 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: Maybe he knows you are snooping around and is playing mind games with you. I mean if we are going to be delusional here... If I am being delusional, what am I being delusional about? Thinking he doesn’t have feelings for her? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 1 hour ago, edith said: If I am being delusional, what am I being delusional about? Thinking he doesn’t have feelings for her? About your marriage... I wouldn’t refer to that as a marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 After 12 years, he has some feelings for her. How deep those run is dubious. I just don't see cheaters are having very deep feelings except about sex. I mean, who doesn't care how much they hurt a loved on? Narcissists and sociopaths, because they have little or no empathy. They love themselves and that's it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Notagainplease Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 On 3/26/2020 at 10:30 AM, edith said: I can deal with people making fun of me on this forum, if they at least offer some valuable insight, which you haven’t done. I just have a feeling that this has progressed for him and that he’s in love with her. I could understand liking her selfies, but pictures of her child without her in it is what bothered me the most. And how he’s trying to keep himself relevant to her. It feels to me like you have developed an intense obsession, and perhaps you cannot share it anymore with your real life friends (because they are sick of it, or don't support your stance in this, or maybe you keep it hidden from them altogether), so you ask people on this forum for feedback, just so you can keep dissecting every sordid detail of your husbands behaviour. But nothing what anyone says here about the big picture seems to register with you... It's like reading posts from a junkie waiting for her next fix. Tell me, tell me, what does this info mean. What does this new detail mean? You can continue doing this for a long long time to go, going in prediction by his past behaviour. I think you will continue to weigh all his and her behaviour for a long long time to come. But the facts are that they have been in contact for a very long time; that they rekindle their contact after a significant pause and that they seem to act in a way that I'd say is reserved for the besotted ones. Regardless of what precise excuse he came up with to explain his silence over the NY appointment. He probably made up an excuse. Maybe he was meeting up with another women in NY? One who actually gives him proper sex? And he is covering up one affair for another? The big picture is relevant here because it will be like chasing butterflies if you keep zooming in on small details, hoping thát will give you the 'evidence' that there is no emotional affair going on. If you step back and overlook all the info you now have, it seems... clear that they do? But just realise that you are like an addict, wanting to steer the discussion here in a very narrow direction, just so... you can feed your obsession. Much the same way as lovesick people will hijack every conversation to talk about their beloved. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
jspice Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 5 hours ago, preraph said: Maybe he just blew her off because he wasn't particularly horny at the moment. I doubt if there's very much going on between his ears honestly. Nah he was having full sex with some other woman who wasn’t as virtuous as Mrs 12 years with her oral sex only. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 Folks, after doing a little clean up I just want to remind everyone that you are not required to reply to a thread just because it's there. If you have nothing constructive to add please feel free to move on to another thread that can use your input. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 It’s really very unfortunate that you are here talking to strangers about this rather than talking to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 22 minutes ago, amaysngrace said: It’s really very unfortunate that you are here talking to strangers about this rather than talking to him. Yes, I agree with the poster above. Don’t you get tired of relying on this forum to tell you the same answers? I am curious as to why you don’t acknowledge the posters who respond that he does have feelings? What are you afraid of in just asking your husband how he feels about this woman? The worst has already happened. You’ve discovered his very long affair, you know he has feelings for this woman. Decide how you wish to proceed for your own well being and confront him. Many folks who clearly care about your well being have told you time and again that they do believe he has feelings for her. I am a former MW and the reason I maintained any contact with xMM was because I felt I had feelings. I don’t think your husband is emotionally evolved enough to self reflect and acknowledge why he continues to contact this woman, other than that he does have “feelings”. I wish you the best Edith. I hope you try some therapy and work on your self esteem, you deserve much better than this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 20 hours ago, Tristian said: Folks, after doing a little clean up I just want to remind everyone that you are not required to reply to a thread just because it's there. If you have nothing constructive to add please feel free to move on to another thread that can use your input. This was freakin GOLD. 😂👍 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 (edited) Notagainplease , couple of posts up, gave a tactful, insightful reflection that repeats what so Many posters have said. i hadn’t been here for months and couldn’t believe that on the last (most recent) page, there has been no change in the premise behind your initial question about your husband’s emotional involvement with this one woman. I think that is important and wonder what we can say to loosen your obsession with that one specific point, Whether he is emotionally involved with her or not, this discussion has revealed so many bigger problems with your relationship and with each Of you, The fact that you continue this voyeuristic monitoring of his activities and writings for so long knowing that he’s been sexually intimate with her speaks more to the vIce grip this obsession has On you. The fact that your H continues to chase this one woman he cannot get speaks to his general immaturity and questionable ability to be emotionally involved with anyone. Both of you have problems way beyond your one question. I think the reason you don’t confront him is you know what his reactiion will be finding out you’ve spied on him for so long. There’s too much sneaking around and deception from both of you to even talk about what is wrong with everything. Edited April 7, 2020 by merrmeade 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 Edith, you first posted about this a year and a half ago?!?! This may be something that you don’t want to hear, but I hope you listen to what the other posters are saying... you’re stuck in an endless loop. It doesn’t even matter at this point whether he loves her or not for 12 years. More importantly, your behavior is obsessive and concerning. You cannot control anything your husband does. The only thing you can control is you. And right now, you are expending a whole lot of energy in trying to figure out if your husband has feelings for another woman. Think about that. Really think about it. A year and a half later, you’re exactly in the same position. You’ve made no progress. You’re just stuck and obsessed. how many more years are you going to do this to yourself? 5,10, 30? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted April 11, 2020 Author Share Posted April 11, 2020 Yes, I honestly agree with everyone. She is not a fling. I really need to find the strength to confront him. He has wanted the same woman, whilst having others, for 12 years now - more, if I count the year during which they worked together and she became interested in him. My hope that she is just sex has vanished. It had been languishing since he started liking her pictures on Facebook since the lockdown started, and someone’s insight that in times like these, we reach out to those who mean the most to us, is completely correct. I have continued to track him, and last weekend when she disappeared from their messaging app - not checking it for days, he was frantic and logged on to check on her 11 times in one day! Late last Sunday, she finally reappeared on Facebook, and he immediately liked the picture she posted. I noticed an immediate lightening of his mood. I could have cut his tension with a knife. Just this morning, I saw while he was in the shower that he had liked a picture she posted of her son. She wasn’t even in it! He wouldn’t do that if she was nothing but potential blow jobs. I know this with all of my being. Then she posted a status talking about how we should all notice whom we have been missing during quarantine, and make sure that those people are in our lives once all of this is over, and he immediately checked on her using the messaging app. This was early in the morning - it’s as if he wakes up already thinking about her. I think I give up. I need to hear about his emotional involvement from him. It seems clear to everyone else on this forum, and his behavior has made it clear to me. I just don’t know how to navigate this since we can’t send the kids anywhere to talk, so I may have to be patient yet again. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Does he know that you know about his NSA sex, or is "don't ask, don't tell?" Does he know that you have access to his electronics? I think what you are experiencing is hypervigilance, which can be caused by anxiety or PTSD. I understand that you want to feel OK with trading fidelity for being with your husband, but if you are really making a healthy decision then I think that would be reflected in your mental state. Instead, you are obsessed with monitoring him to make sure that the NSA sex doesn't turn into an emotional investment. But unfortunately, humans are wired to bond through sex. And so you must always be on guard. It must be exhausting. Side note . . . this story reminds me a little of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. She wouldn't give him full sex and while he could sleep with anyone he wanted, he became obsessed with her and broke with the Church of Rome to marry her. I think the fact that he can't fully have this woman keeps him interested and invested. In any event, I would consult with a lawyer and make sure you are in counseling. You need -- and deserve -- peace. I don't judge you if you are happy with your status quo, but you clearly aren't. And you're in a quandary because how do you define what type of EA isn't permissible when a PA is? If everything is "don't ask, don't tell," how do you start talking about what was previously forbidden? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted April 13, 2020 Share Posted April 13, 2020 (edited) The title of your thread is "my husband has been cheating on me for 10 years." Do you really need any more information than that? It says all you need to know. He's been cheating on you for a decade! Edited April 13, 2020 by IndigoNight 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted April 13, 2020 Author Share Posted April 13, 2020 It’s not that black and white. My question has always been if he has feelings for the woman with whom he has been cheating for 12 years. He has cheated with countless others over the years but always goes back to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted April 13, 2020 Share Posted April 13, 2020 Gently, why don't you just ask him? He's going to know more than any one of us, or even you, would know. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 13, 2020 Share Posted April 13, 2020 On 4/11/2020 at 10:08 AM, edith said: I think I give up. I need to hear about his emotional involvement from him. It seems clear to everyone else on this forum, and his behavior has made it clear to me. I just don’t know how to navigate this since we can’t send the kids anywhere to talk, so I may have to be patient yet again. Yes you do need to give up Edith. You use any excuse in the book to not confront him about her because you are afraid he'll get angry and leave you. So just give up and accept it for what it is. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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