I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[heartwhole2]

Does he know that you know about his NSA sex, or is "don't ask, don't tell?" Does he know that you have access to his electronics?

I think what you are experiencing is hypervigilance, which can be caused by anxiety or PTSD. I understand that you want to feel OK with trading fidelity for being with your husband, but if you are really making a healthy decision then I think that would be reflected in your mental state. Instead, you are obsessed with monitoring him to make sure that the NSA sex doesn't turn into an emotional investment. But unfortunately, humans are wired to bond through sex. And so you must always be on guard. It must be exhausting.

Side note . . . this story reminds me a little of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. She wouldn't give him full sex and while he could sleep with anyone he wanted, he became obsessed with her and broke with the Church of Rome to marry her. I think the fact that he can't fully have this woman keeps him interested and invested. 

In any event, I would consult with a lawyer and make sure you are in counseling. You need -- and deserve -- peace. I don't judge you if you are happy with your status quo, but you clearly aren't. And you're in a quandary because how do you define what type of EA isn't permissible when a PA is? If everything is "don't ask, don't tell," how do you start talking about what was previously forbidden? 

[IndigoNight]

The title of your thread is "my husband has been cheating on me for 10 years." 

Do you really need any more information than that? It says all you need to know. He's been cheating on you for a decade!

Edited April 13, 2020 by IndigoNight

[edith]

It’s not that black and white. My question has always been if he has feelings for the woman with whom he has been cheating for 12 years. He has cheated with countless others over the years but always goes back to her.

[Allupinnit]

Gently, why don't you just ask him?  He's going to know more than any one of us, or even you, would know.  

[stillafool]

On 4/11/2020 at 10:08 AM, edith said:

I think I give up. I need to hear about his emotional involvement from him. It seems clear to everyone else on this forum, and his behavior has made it clear to me. I just don’t know how to navigate this since we can’t send the kids anywhere to talk, so I may have to be patient yet again.

Yes you do need to give up Edith.  You use any excuse in the book to not confront him about her because you are afraid he'll get angry and leave you.  So just give up and accept it for what it is.

[pepperbird]

OP,

I know many don;t agree, but I see cheating as a form of abuse, especially in a case like yours.
Unless this is something you actively want ( and maybe you do-how the frig do I know?) why are you tolerating it?
Aren't you worth more than this? Seriously, ask yourself that. What have you done to deserve this level of disrespect?
my guess is you've done nothing,. It's just who he is.

[heartwhole2]

1 hour ago, pepperbird said:

OP,

I know many don;t agree, but I see cheating as a form of abuse, especially in a case like yours.
Unless this is something you actively want ( and maybe you do-how the frig do I know?) why are you tolerating it?
Aren't you worth more than this? Seriously, ask yourself that. What have you done to deserve this level of disrespect?
my guess is you've done nothing,. It's just who he is.

She explained in earlier posts that since her husband is so good-looking, she feels this is the deal she must make to be married to someone like that. One reason I have not give much advice on this thread is that our value systems to not align and I know myself well enough to know that my advice doesn't translate well if attractiveness is considered such a highly valued quality that being cheated on is acceptable. I do agree that it's easier for especially attractive or powerful or wealthy people to cheat, but I don't agree that they should get to cheat because they're so special. They benefit as much as the rest of us from a life of decency and integrity. And looks can fade or be gone in an instant; same with money and power. It's foolish to base relationships on things that are never guaranteed.

[IndigoNight]

My husband is gorgeous! I'm divorce him before the ink dried if he cheated on me. Looks have nothing to do with it, caring about your partner, and morals do.

[Robert2016]

Do they speak on the phone?  Check your cell phone statements for her number (consider hiding a VAR to record their conversations).

If she's married, blow up their affair by sending a copy of the emails to her husband.  The husband is your best ally.

Don't warn your husband - and never admit to anything.  If your husband accuses you, just play dumb and counter with the OW obviously felt guilty and confessed to her husband.

 

 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

And men say women don't care about a man's looks! 🤣

[edith]

The only mention of his looks I made was that women flock to him, and he does NOT have the moral fortitude to say no. I knew that when I married him. I am fine with sex only affairs. But he has never had full sex with this woman, and yet they’ve been on and off for 12 years. I found out 10 years ago.

I am not willing to accept emotional affairs. That’s why this one affair rattled me so much, because I think he might have feelings for her. 12 years and no sex.

[stillafool]

There's a very easy way to find out that information Edith, just ask him.  I'm sure he'd tell you the truth because he knows there will be no repercussions if he does.  You are tying yourself in knots when all you have to do is ask.

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, edith said:

The only mention of his looks I made was that women flock to him, and he does NOT have the moral fortitude to say no. I knew that when I married him. I am fine with sex only affairs. But he has never had full sex with this woman, and yet they’ve been on and off for 12 years. I found out 10 years ago.

I am not willing to accept emotional affairs. That’s why this one affair rattled me so much, because I think he might have feelings for her. 12 years and no sex.

I expect this has already been answered, but have the two of you really sat down and hashed all this out? Eevn you're okay with being in an sexually open marriage, you still have every right to set whatever boundaries and parameters you feel you need to.
Your peace of mind is worth it. you are worth it.

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

I expect this has already been answered, but have the two of you really sat down and hashed all this out? Eevn you're okay with being in an sexually open marriage, you still have every right to set whatever boundaries and parameters you feel you need to.
Your peace of mind is worth it. you are worth it.

He doesn't know that Edith knows about any of his cheating.  Edith finds out this information by snooping.  She needs to confront him and tell him what she knows but she won't do it.

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

Eevn you're okay with being in an sexually open marriage, you still have every right to set whatever boundaries and parameters you feel you need to.

This is very true, though. He may be absolutely delighted to discover that you are aware of his sexual escapades, and that you have no objection. 

You can inform the man that you accept the fact that you are in a sexually open marriage, and still place parameters on exactly what "kind" of interactions are acceptable to you in your marriage. ie. He is welcome to have sex with any woman that he wants, but repeated sexual encounters, intimate conversations, long walks on the beach, etc... those things that signify an emotional connection are not allowed. If he wantes to keep his marriage, he would have to respect your wishes. Unless you continue to let him to do whatever he wants to do, with no consequence. 

It's a good point pepperbird. 

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

This is very true, though. He may be absolutely delighted to discover that you are aware of his sexual escapades, and that you have no objection. 

You can inform the man that you accept the fact that you are in a sexually open marriage, and still place parameters on exactly what "kind" of interactions are acceptable to you in your marriage. ie. He is welcome to have sex with any woman that he wants, but repeated sexual encounters, intimate conversations, long walks on the beach, etc... those things that signify an emotional connection are not allowed. If he wantes to keep his marriage, he would have to respect your wishes. Unless you continue to let him to do whatever he wants to do, with no consequence. 

It's a good point pepperbird. 

It's not the marriage I would want, but it comes down to what makes Edith happy. It could be that  he feels he has her "permission" (for lack of a better term) to sleep with other women, it could be that meets his needs while still taking care of her emotional ones.

Edith, what do you want?

[BaileyB]

No, it certainly wouldn’t be what I want for my marriage either...

But for Edith, it may provide her at least some control, some peace of mind. Better than what she has now...

Edited April 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[edith]

What I want is for this affair with this woman to be over for good. He “likes” her pictures daily on social media. She posts songs for him - only for him - about wanting “one more day”. He stalks her on the messaging app constantly.

But, neither one has started contact again! Why is he so resigned to not talking to her if he wants her so much? Why is he ok with not being with her if he really has “feelings”?

Of course I want to ask him, but that would guarantee that I lose all snooping privileges!! He would never again be as careless as he is now. I’d be in the dark. I keep telling myself that if I just wait until she moves out of state, any “feelings” he might have will dissipate. And then she will no longer be a threat.

[stillafool]

I thought she had already moved away.  When is she going?

[edith]

At the end of the school year (we are in the Northeast, US). But according to new FB posts I’ve been following, her moving depends on her new real estate business, which she will probably put on hold because of the economy. She hasn’t said anything about selling her home in our state, so who knows if she actually will move to her beach house. I don’t know. I need to keep track of it, though. I don’t want to lose the only upper hand I have - that of knowing what they’re both up to.

[gamon]

You don't have any upper hand.

Just because you can obtain information doesn't mean you can or will do anything productive with it other than continue to make yourself miserable.

 

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, edith said:

At the end of the school year (we are in the Northeast, US). But according to new FB posts I’ve been following, her moving depends on her new real estate business, which she will probably put on hold because of the economy. She hasn’t said anything about selling her home in our state, so who knows if she actually will move to her beach house. I don’t know. I need to keep track of it, though. I don’t want to lose the only upper hand I have - that of knowing what they’re both up to.

If he's allowed to cheat, why do you think he wouldn't develop feelings for someone else after she moves?  He's duplicitous.  This woman hasn't caved and she likes to tease him, and they've kept up their stupid game for over a decade.  She might be one of those women who feels that "going all the way" is too much.  Who knows.

Are you happy in your marriage, aside from this woman?  How did you meet?  Was he cheating right off the bat?  Do you love him?  Are you still intimate?  Do you worry he might get someone pregnant?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, edith said:

I need to keep track of it, though. I don’t want to lose the only upper hand I have - that of knowing what they’re both up to.

Snooping on his activities gives you a feeling of control and you are not about to risk your position by alerting him to your presence and/or placing any demands on your husband. In truth, you have no control. He is making all the decisions and you are little more than an interested observer. 

Indeed, your snooping does little more than provide you with a false sense of security, what is essentially a moment of reassurance before the anxiety sets in again... 

[lifeoflies]

Maybe I'm old fashioned but oral sex is full blown sex.

With every and all due respect, why make the distinction at all?  I am not judging you but I cant relate to you or your angst.

I wish you luck

Edited April 16, 2020 by lifeoflies
correct error

[assertives]

7 hours ago, edith said:

I lose all snooping privileges!! He would never again be as careless as he is now. I’d be in the dark. I keep telling myself that if I just wait until she moves out of state, any “feelings” he might have will dissipate. And then she will no longer be a threat.

This is the most messed up thing I've read. How is snooping a privilege?! The anxiety that comes with getting caught (the irony), the splitting of hairs over "what does he mean by that?" The pit in your stomach over what you hope to find and at the same time afraid to find out. That's a torture and no way to live. It is NOT a privilege by any stretch of the imagination. But I recognize that having kept at this for a decade, you're probably immune and desensitized to it all.

Also, thinking that she will no longer be a threat when she moves away is just wishful thinking. It's not like they have been meeting regularly when she hasn't moved. They have kept at this not meeting up/on and off texting and flirting for A DECADE. His activities on facebook, their chats on whatever messaging platforms is not location dependant... unless maybe one of them moves to North Korea or something. Plus, I'm sure they can always make a trip down to wherever to meet up if they so desire. Again, they have kept at this for A DECADE, with no sex and very few meeting ups. It isn't going to go away with something as inconsequential to the grand scheme of things as her moving out of state.