I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[edith]

I will continue to monitor him. I would have felt much better if he had deleted her on Facebook. He has gone even two weeks without interacting with her before, because I could see it, when she’d post stuff for him that made him angry. So he’d ice her out. I’m not completely sure he has let go yet. He continues to visit her profile, which I can see in his activity log. But she’s still moving 3 hours away. That’s positive. She only lives 45 minutes away now.

 

 

7 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Already onto the next, huh...? 

1 minute ago, edith said:

 

[lana-banana]

On 4/30/2021 at 1:46 AM, edith said:

Lana -

She’s talking about the person he hired back in 2013 and how she hasn’t forgiven him to this day.

 

All I'm saying is he has an established history of behaving inappropriately with and disrespecting plenty of other women, not just this one. What a prize!

Edited May 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to edited content

[heartwhole2]

The situation with this woman is a symptom of his lack of boundaries and his comfort with cheating and lies. Her moving away will not cure the disease.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, edith said:

I will continue to monitor him.

You do that! I’m sure you will keep us posted...

[Pumpernickel]

5 minutes ago, jspice said:

She’s talking about the person he hired back in 2013 and how she hasn’t forgiven him to this day.

 

Looks like the OW is a little unbalanced (nuts) as well.

I mean, if you look at the summary of the latest findings: Edith's husband hires somebody for his business in 2013 that is not the OW (who herself refused the job because her own husband wouldn't let her work there, because he knew there was something going on), and then the OW out of all people gets upset about that & calls the new hire a "bimbo" (seriously?).
And not only that, she is so hurt that she still can't forgive Edith's husband, talks about it and holds it against him to this day = EIGHT years later! This is insane. All the people who are involved in this never-ending circus sound slightly unhealthy, drama-prone, and unhinged. At this point, Edith's husband sounds the "healthiest". The real housewives show almost feels "normal" in comparison.

[magnolia18]

On 11/12/2019 at 8:18 PM, edith said:

Even though they’re not together, he’s still thinking about her. And from her posts, she’s doing the same. She is also moving away to a neighboring state 3 hours away next year! So this could be the chance that they will no longer be together and all of this will be over. There’s no way that he will want her if she moves away. My feelings right now are all about relief - he’s staying away from her, she’s staying away from him.

Edith, hello. I am sorry but he is definitely emotionally involved with her, very deeply so. It may not be love, it may be a mix of feelings including the push-pull and waiting for her to feel less guilty to have sex with him-as she claims- but it is definitely not "just sex". He gets sex from various sources, including lots of OW and you as well. So it is definitely not just sex he wants from her. Based on this assumption, it does not matter whether she moves 3 hours away or 300 hours away. Their relationship is not based on seeing and being with each other often-if they have such a strong bond as to meet 6 times in 11 years and not meeting for the past 6 years but still being so emotionally involved with each other, I don't think this is an equilibrium likely to change in the future, unless something drastic happens, like him or her getting a divorce for example.

[edith]

4 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

Looks like the OW is a little unbalanced (nuts) as well.

I mean, if you look at the summary of the latest findings: Edith's husband hires somebody for his business in 2013 that is not the OW (who herself refused the job because her own husband wouldn't let her work there, because he knew there was something going on), and then the OW out of all people gets upset about that & calls the new hire a "bimbo" (seriously?).
And not only that, she is so hurt that she still can't forgive Edith's husband, talks about it and holds it against him to this day = EIGHT years later! This is insane. All the people who are involved in this never-ending circus sound slightly unhealthy, drama-prone, and unhinged. At this point, Edith's husband sounds the "healthiest". The real housewives show almost feels "normal" in comparison.

Guys, you’re missing some information, so I understand. The reason I’m so happy she posted this is because she is going through the same thing he has put me through!

Back in 2013, the “bimbo” he hired was a beauty pageant contestant, in her early 20s, and also a blonde, like the OW. That’s why she was so hurt! He replaced her with the pretty young girl as soon as she said she wouldn’t work for him. She is also younger than I am. So he did to her what he has done to me. He hired the young girl specifically to have an affair with her, which he did AS SOON AS she started working for him!

One year later, he lost his job. He was fired WITH CAUSE supposedly for cheating on his expense account. He basically embezzled money from the company through his expense account. He was let go without any severance or anything else. Now he helps me with the business and does “consulting” related to his former field.

The girl he hired got dropped by him the minute he was fired. He ghosted her, I saw all of those messages as well. 
 

It’s difficult for me to explain how happy I am that she has suffered that much. She deserves it. After the way she has intruded and infiltrated my marriage, it’s good to see that she hasn’t forgiven him.

He is still ignoring her on Facebook. Her profile has nothing on it for him. She is completely silent. She had been posting messages or songs or movie clips for him daily. The only thing that concerns me is that, if he really didn’t care, he wouldn’t have changed his behavior toward her. He may be trying to elicit a response from her. He has been withdrawn since last week, when we were on vacation. I looked at her profile when her message was still on her timeline for him, and it was practically at the same time. He might be trying to get her to respond, despite her husband. His ego is hurt.

[Pumpernickel]

46 minutes ago, edith said:

Back in 2013, the “bimbo” he hired was a beauty pageant contestant, in her early 20s, and also a blonde, like the OW. That’s why she was so hurt! He replaced her with the pretty young girl as soon as she said she wouldn’t work for him. She is also younger than I am. So he did to her what he has done to me. He hired the young girl specifically to have an affair with her, which he did AS SOON AS she started working for him!

 

I get the revenge aspect. You dislike her, and rightfully so, and you feel some sense of "justice", because she got what she deserved. He jumed right at the next OW, when she didn't come work for/with him. What I don't get, though, is why you don't extend these negative revenge emotions to your husband, who is the one who hurts and insults you the most. He deserves your anger more than anybody else, after all.  

Edited April 30, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[edith]

50 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

I get the revenge aspect. You dislike her, and rightfully so, and you feel some sense of "justice", because she got what she deserved. He jumed right at the next OW, when she didn't come work for/with him. What I don't get, though, is why you don't extend these negative revenge emotions to your husband, who is the one who hurts and insults you the most. He deserves your anger more than anybody else, after all.  

I know. It is revenge. But the more I dig, the more insecure I get.

I really think this is worse than I originally thought. Between last Friday, when she posted what I shared above, and yesterday, my husband had been saving every single friend request he got.

Not long ago, the OW said to him that she often perused his friends list, and that she was happy he had recently deleted more than 10 “bimbos” and how proud she was of him.

He has not added ONE single woman on Facebook since she said that, except for an elderly friend of his father’s. This past week, he saved friend requests from men only - like 6 - and accepted all of them at once today. She did say she counted his friends.

It’s as if he’s still trying to perform for her. Like she was praising her husband staying with her even though she told him about her cheating, and her husband made MY husband look really bad. 

This is just a gut feeling I have, that he’s trying still to make himself appear worthy to her. My euphoria at her moving 3 hours away is dissipating. This is why I come here, you guys always give me other perspectives. 

[edith]

4 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

Edith, hello. I am sorry but he is definitely emotionally involved with her, very deeply so. It may not be love, it may be a mix of feelings including the push-pull and waiting for her to feel less guilty to have sex with him-as she claims- but it is definitely not "just sex". He gets sex from various sources, including lots of OW and you as well. So it is definitely not just sex he wants from her. Based on this assumption, it does not matter whether she moves 3 hours away or 300 hours away. Their relationship is not based on seeing and being with each other often-if they have such a strong bond as to meet 6 times in 11 years and not meeting for the past 6 years but still being so emotionally involved with each other, I don't think this is an equilibrium likely to change in the future, unless something drastic happens, like him or her getting a divorce for example.

Yes, thank you so much. You might be right. I think I was carried away by the fact that her post made her seem so determined to let him go because she’s moving, that I believed her. That she’s deliberately removing herself from my life with him. But what really matters to me is if he will miss her, not if she misses him. We spend the summer on the same island where she owns her beach house, every summer we’re there I see him message her and she shoots him down. It’s happened two years in a row. Now she’s moving there to stay. He hasn’t seen her in 8 years. She appears to be in love with him, which I wanted to deny for the longest time. I really do need to face facts.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, edith said:

The reason I’m so happy she posted this is because she is going through the same thing he has put me through!

As they say, misery loves company...

3 hours ago, edith said:

One year later, he lost his job. He was fired WITH CAUSE supposedly for cheating on his expense account. He basically embezzled money from the company through his expense account. He was let go without any severance or anything else.

His lack of ethics is evident in more areas of his life than his marriage. edith, it’s hard to understand why anyone would stay with this man. 

3 hours ago, edith said:

It’s difficult for me to explain how happy I am that she has suffered that much. She deserves it.

I do believe you are projecting here. And, your anger is misplaced. 

Edited April 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[Crazelnut]

For the 100th time, YES he has very deep feelings for her, probably love. But don't blame her; blame him. Stop reacting with glee at the prospect of her pain, and kick out your horrible, serial-cheating, embezzling husband. 

[Prudence V]

On 4/30/2021 at 7:28 PM, edith said:

One year later, he lost his job. He was fired WITH CAUSE supposedly for cheating on his expense account. He basically embezzled money from the company through his expense account. He was let go without any severance or anything else. Now he helps me with the business

You would allow an embezzler to help you with your business? How can you be sure he’s not cheating you, too? 
 

Edith, please explain what you find remotely attractive about this man. He might look pretty, but everything you’ve told us about him certainly isn’t. Yet you want to keep him - you must have some reason (other than “winning”) - so what is it? 

[vla1120]

Edith, I wish you thought more of yourself than to continue to allow this man to have such power over you. If he had been my husband, I would have divorced him when he embezzled money from his company. He's not the type of father/role model I would want for my children. How do you know he's not embezzling from you!? How do you know he won't have "consulting" business in her new home town the first chance he gets? Did I understand correctly? Are you saying she's moving to the location where your family vacations over the summer? So, in other words, in just a few short weeks, she'll be right back in your life again and now, you have evidence/believe she is in love with him and we've already told you he is emotionally involved with her. I do wonder if it has really been eight years since he's seen her, though. You keep asking if he's emotionally involved with her. I can tell you one thing for sure. He's a cad...a liar...a cheater...an embezzler...a horrible role model for your children and you are going to spend the rest of your days watching him chase her from afar, wondering all the time if you're going to lose him to her (when he's not such a prize to begin with.) I really think I have to bow out, now. You've got 36 pages of sound advice, none of which you seem to want to take into consideration.

[merrmeade]

But 36 pages of unswerving adherence to her own thread are quite impressive considering the efforts to insert insight and self-respect into this woman's psyche. Seriously. I've never seen anyone so impervious to the truth. 

[mark clemson]

^^ actually it's all around you if you just look. I know this is OT, but from hoarders to flat-earthers, etc. Denial is clearly a weakness of the human psyche/brain and extremely common.

Also, OP is I think well-aware of what he is doing/has done, but chooses "monitoring" over other options.

Edited May 7, 2021 by mark clemson

[merrmeade]

On 4/30/2021 at 3:16 PM, edith said:

Yes, thank you so much. You might be right. I think I was carried away by the fact that her post made her seem so determined to let him go because she’s moving, that I believed her. That she’s deliberately removing herself from my life with him. But what really matters to me is if he will miss her, not if she misses him. We spend the summer on the same island where she owns her beach house, every summer we’re there I see him message her and she shoots him down. It’s happened two years in a row. Now she’s moving there to stay. He hasn’t seen her in 8 years. She appears to be in love with him, which I wanted to deny for the longest time. I really do need to face facts.

But what really matters to me is if he will miss her, not if she misses him. ... She appears

to be in love with him, which I wanted to deny for the longest time. I really do need to face facts.

Edith, we’ve tried everything both subtle and direct, yet you’ve persisted in your selective reading and thinking. Returning to your own thread heading - My husband has been cheating with the same woman for over a decade. Is this serious - we have the answer.

“Cheating with the same woman” - no doubt or question.

“For over a decade” - very long time.

“Is this serious?” - The only question ever was - “What does the OP mean by “serious”?

She’s been very clear with us.

• “I have known of NSA affairs he’s had. He’s very good looking and women swarm him. I always knew they would blow over, and always have. But I never, ever imagined the amount of deceit and manipulation that goes into having a 10-year affair.”
• ”I can’t figure out if I should count my husband as emotionally involved with her, or if she’s just sex like the others. And why would he go back to her now? I understand he needs sex, and I give as much as I can, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for him. Is this woman worth ending my marriage over?”

Emotionally Involved vs Just Sex: We’ve pointed out the holes in this basic premise and articulated the flaws in OP’s marriage, her husband’s character and her own self-esteem. None of these matter. She’s responded that she simply will not upend the status quo. The social and financial rewards of their partnership are more important to her than his sexual fidelity. All that matters is his emotional fidelity. 

[edith]

I don’t know to whom I should reply first. I agree, I have been impervious. But it’s because every time I try to take a stand, I become doubtful of the reliability of his feelings for her. Yes, he wants sex with her, but is that enough to end my marriage over if he isn’t leaving me?

For 12 days, he completely ignored her on FB. He didn’t look at her stories, or liked anything. Every night I checked his phone after he fell asleep, and every night I grew more hopeful because of his disdain.

Then I saw he had watched her story (it was no longer blue), and sure enough, she had made a post referencing a line in “Titanic”, which in messages I’d read was “their” movie. She had missed him, and he responded. The following day, she posted “So, are you done freezing me out now? 😂 I don’t even know why we keep trying, Jack. We always end up coming back to each other, one way or another.”

The very next day - yesterday - I checked and he had texted her.

She had posted a picture of the inside of a sex book telling him to read it. He texted “I had no idea you wanted to s*** my c*** so badly. I’m flattered.” She replied something like “Right, I’m sure you didn’t know”, and then the clincher: “It might have something to do with the fact that if I told you how long I’ve been without sex, you wouldn’t believe me!”

He didn’t reply until the evening, telling her he was sorry to hear that and how “hard and throbbing” he was for her. She mentioned this weekend it will be 8 years since they last saw each other, and they talk back and forth about how hot they were together.

Then he asks her, about their sex encounters: “It’s too bad that it won’t happen again, right?” And she said “Maybe someday 😃 I miss feeling you in my mouth”. He didn’t reply!

Now I really don’t know what to do. I was SO CLOSE to not having to worry about her anymore. She’s moving in 2 weeks, she said. So why did he reach out to her? It wasn’t for sexting, because he curbed that early on. It wasn’t to see her again, because she said “maybe” she’d see him, whereas in her long post which I transcribed here, she said she was moving away to get over him.

Why did he reach out to her? For an ego stroke? Do I really have to worry or am I right to expect that his sexual appetite for her will disappear once she moves away?

Edited May 8, 2021 by edith

[edith]

1 hour ago, merrmeade said:

But what really matters to me is if he will miss her, not if she misses him. ... She appears

to be in love with him, which I wanted to deny for the longest time. I really do need to face facts.

Edith, we’ve tried everything both subtle and direct, yet you’ve persisted in your selective reading and thinking. Returning to your own thread heading - My husband has been cheating with the same woman for over a decade. Is this serious - we have the answer.

“Cheating with the same woman” - no doubt or question.

“For over a decade” - very long time.

“Is this serious?” - The only question ever was - “What does the OP mean by “serious”?

She’s been very clear with us.

• “I have known of NSA affairs he’s had. He’s very good looking and women swarm him. I always knew they would blow over, and always have. But I never, ever imagined the amount of deceit and manipulation that goes into having a 10-year affair.”
• ”I can’t figure out if I should count my husband as emotionally involved with her, or if she’s just sex like the others. And why would he go back to her now? I understand he needs sex, and I give as much as I can, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for him. Is this woman worth ending my marriage over?”

 All that matters is his emotional fidelity. 

You are absolutely correct. I want his emotional fidelity. And I can’t figure out if I have it as far as this OW is concerned. I know I’ve never worried about any of his previous OWomen.

[mark clemson]

To me this, "cock in my mouth" stuff does NOT indicate emotional fidelity. However, his hanging around for 10 years via text DOES indicated SOME FORM of attachment. Probably not overly strong; this seems to be mostly (at this point) "we did something long ago and now we flirt over text".

I'm not sure what "emotional fidelity" actually means in the context of this whole situation. As noted above "holes in the premise". If wanting him to stay married to you is the goal, I suspect you'll have that. (As has been pointed out so many times, why should he leave.) He may "love you in his own way," but as mentioned it's hard to exactly say what that means here.

I don't think his appetite for text flirting will disappear until she actually stops (IF that ever happens). I could be wrong about that.

Not quite sure what else to tell you.

[merrmeade]

19 hours ago, edith said:

You are absolutely correct. I want his emotional fidelity. And I can’t figure out if I have it as far as this OW is concerned. I know I’ve never worried about any of his previous OWomen.

You missed the point.

[BaileyB]

Quote

Now I really don’t know what to do. I was SO CLOSE to not having to worry about her anymore. 

Good gracious. 

Quote

So why did he reach out to her? It wasn’t for sexting, because he curbed that early on. 

He curbed the sex talk all right... right after he told her “I had no idea you wanted to s*** my c*** so badly. I’m flattered.” And then told her how “hard and throbbing” he was for her.

edith, what does it say about where you are in your life and the state of your marriage that you are posting graphic conversations about sex between your husband and his mistress? 

On 5/8/2021 at 12:54 PM, edith said:

Yes, he wants sex with her, but is that enough to end my marriage over

If not her, how about any of the other women with whom your husband has had sex during your marriage? 

Edited May 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

On 5/8/2021 at 6:56 PM, edith said:

I want his emotional fidelity. And I can’t figure out if I have it as far as this OW is concerned.

If you did, he wouldn’t be hankering after someone he last saw so long ago. If she meant nothing to him, he’d have moved on long ago. That amount of social media stalking etc suggests an unhealthy emotional investment. I’m betting he doesn’t give you nearly as much headspace as he does her. 
 

Edith, you’ve known this for a long time. The question is what, if anything, are you prepared to do about it. I’m guessing the answer is still “nothing” - so just accept it and stop fretting about it. It’s not going to change. 

[edith]

I know, I understand. But I think I may be right this time! He hasn’t reached out to her at all - after she said “maybe someday” when he indirectly asked if they’d see each other again, he stopped replying!

He is still connected to her on FB, though. And he continues to stay away from the messaging app they used together, he only checks it once a day or even less. What concerns me is that this is the same behavior he changed to when she told him that she equated his staying away from the app with the absence of other women.

Here’s my concern: he is trying to show her he can be trusted. He knows her husband is ill, which is probably why she was complaining to my husband about sex! So my husband now has a way to actually compete with hers. But my husband knows that the only thing stopping her from being with him is that she can trust her own husband - not mine. I have been going over it in my head a lot, and the more I think about it, the more I see that he might be staying away from the sexting and meeting up because he wants something long-term with her in the future.

What if he feels that if he doesn’t make her trust him now, she will never be with him? I know this would indicate that he has feelings for her, but at the same time, he did reject her.

[S2B]

It’s your behavior you should be concerned about. Your lack of action to address the issues in your very dysfunctional marriage is a big concern.

where do you live? Is your area used to men that cheat when they are married?