I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[edith]

I understand the remarks about our kids, but it’s really not like that; our boys adore him. He is a great father. Our relationship in front of them is not strained at all. But I do worry about what they might pick up on as we get older.

Let me illustrate - I posted something I was making for work on FB, my father was helping me make it, as he has since I was 16. One of my husband’s male friends commented “Shouldn’t (my husband’s name) help you with that?”, and another one of my husband’s male friends liked his comment. I don’t know if my husband talks to them about us, or if they’ve picked up on our deeper dynamics. But do you know what my husband was doing while my father helped me? He was texting this other woman. I do fear our boys will find out and hate their father.

Meanwhile, I do keep getting more signs that he’s trying to establish trust with her. Stillafool’s comment was spot-on; I hadn’t counted on his being jealous. It’s as if he felt like the sex object then, which is something he has always done to other women. Now he’s the object. This is what despairs me, that she seems to have such a hold on him because she is basically him in female form. And HE is his main love.

Last time he texted her and stopped replying, he added 5 friends on FB the next day - all men and old ladies. Since Monday, when he texted her, he has added THIRTY new FB friends. All men, older ladies and unattractive women. No attractive women. She had mentioned once how she peruses his friends list and is proud of him when he deletes the “bimbos”, so he’s added this massive amount of new friends to draw her attention, I’m sure of it. He usually adds maybe one friend a week.

I keep wondering if it’s time to admit defeat, and admit that he’s in love with her. He is not “with” her, but his mind is. It has to be. All of these things can’t be coincidences. I don’t even want to think about how devastated I will be if our kids grow up and he leaves for her. I love him so very much.

[edith]

I forgot to add one of her posts she posted for him that I found on her FB while I was using his account, and I think it’s very telling about how he might be trying to answer her questions.

“These are the main questions I often ask myself.  As you probably know, I don’t have any answers,only conjectures.

 

Will my moving away change how I feel about you?

Have I blown this way out of proportion over the years, because I’ve really only had one relationship and can’t relate to a man in a casual way?

Was I ever more to you than just sex and an ego boost?

Does the fact that you don’t try to reach out and talk to me mean that you’re not interested?

Can I ever have enough stuff to make up for not having you?

Are you a player who keeps engaging me ever so slightly because he wants to score someday?

Will I ever succeed at letting you go? 

Does my competition consist of your wife only? Realistically, how likely is that?

Does she make you happy?”

 

Her gall. Do I make him happy? I’m her competition? Someone here had mentioned competition, so I went looking for this post. I had forgotten about this, is this or is this not proof that she’s serious about him?

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, edith said:

I had forgotten about this, is this or is this not proof that she’s serious about him?

The only person who needs proof at this point is you edith. 

It’s clear as day to everyone else - your husband is a sleaze. And, you are wasting your time snooping if you are not ever prepared to enforce a consequence on your cheating husband. 

 

Edited June 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, edith said:

I love him so very much.

(shaking you) Oh Edith, wake up.  I'm sorry you love this man who is so disrespectful to you.  Of course he loves his kids, they are a reflection of him (again him). 

Maybe those men who said your husband should be helping you, were actually interested in YOU enough to notice this.  Umm, does that tell you anything?

[Prudence V]

On 6/2/2021 at 11:36 PM, edith said:

I had forgotten about this, is this or is this not proof that she’s serious about him?

Edith, it sounds like she very much pictures this as a competition with you. She wants to win, just as you do. 
 

But she’s setting the terms, and he’s playing by her rules. Are you happy to be competing in a competition she has set the rules for, and that she will judge? 
 

Are you happy to go on hoping that one day she’ll tire of it and allow you to ‘win’ by default? 
 

Or do you want to disrupt it all and be the one to recognise that the “prize” isn’t worth winning? 

[edith]

I think I need to take the time to sincerely thank all of you who have been trying to help me for so long. Prudence V, Stillafool, all others - from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I literally don’t have anyone with whom to share this. Your continued truth and perspective have helped me immensely, even if that help has not been translated into actions yet.

It appears that he wants to marry her.

I could be making too much of this, but just to recap, now that she no longer posts FB stories for him to watch, whenever she posts something on FB he likes or agrees with, he goes to “their “ app to check on her.

Earlier today, she posted something about marriage on her profile and how she’s realized she was born to be the wife, not the girlfriend. He immediately went to the app, I checked the log times. This is it. This is what both of them want. He actually is serious about her. When he doesn’t agree or like what she posts, he stays away from the app.

He’s out of the house with the boys right now, and I am devastated. This is a ticking time bomb. I want to stay until the boys are raised. I just don’t know if I have the emotional stamina necessary to deal with his feelings for her.

Today is a pivotal day. She has made herself clear, and so has he.

Am I reading too much into it? I’m not, am I? He sees her as a wife and not a girlfriend? My grief is clouding my judgment, all I can see is that the man I love wants someone for life, not me. 

[Xerad]

Edith, I have not yet replied to your topic, but I will now. You don't have to take this passively. You didn't know you were "in competition" with her, but you were and thus, she's got the edge on you. You may lose your husband.  Most people on this board probably think you'd be better off without him. 

Maybe that's true.  

But like it or not, you are in the fight of your life. You need to see an attorney immediately to make sure you get your fair part of the marital wealth if you do divorce.

Get checked for STDs and STIs.

You don't have to take this lying down. The first thing I'd do is find all your husband's old girlfriends on FB or whatever app that this and add them now. Ow doesn't trust your H with good reason. Then deny you added them. Say it was a glitch or a hack or something if he asks you. Let her start wonder and worrying just like you have been all these years. Do anything to make divorce the most unpleasant choice possible for him. 

Even I get sick thinking of your lying cheating H pretending to have all these normal boring friends just to pacify another cheater. Make it interesting for him. Make him sweat. Show her what he's really like. 

The one thing guaranteed to turn the other woman off is knowing she's not  the only one. Make sure she knows exactly who she's chasing.

After all, what do you have to lose?

[Xerad]

2 hours ago, Xerad said:

whatever app that this

*whatever app that is

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, edith said:

It appears that he wants to marry her.

What exactly was said between the two of them that makes you say this or is it an assumption?

[edith]

It’s an assumption based on their “system”. When he likes what she posts, he goes to the app. He agreed with her comment of wanting to be a wife. I could give you 100 other examples of how he’s done this. 

[edith]

It keeps getting worse. She yesterday posted that if she’s right, yesterday was a turning point for them, and a picture saying “I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.” He went to the app again after that. I was able to check after he went to bed. I guess the one positive is he’s not talking to her directly. But since she’s been making herself clear about wanting him for more than an affair, I know this is bad. He’s not ignoring her. I am scared and dumbfounded and hurt and I am glad the boys have sports with him today, because I need time.

[Starswillshine]

I'm going to just ignore the fact that he is married and you are his wife.....

What sort of weird games this couple play with each other. A married woman posting suggestive post on social media is quite pathetic. Seems nearly all women engage in affairs do this. 

But back to it... Edith, I know it is no point to ask, but why do you want a man like this? It is all so childish. 

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, edith said:

It’s an assumption based on their “system”. When he likes what she posts, he goes to the app. He agreed with her comment of wanting to be a wife. I could give you 100 other examples of how he’s done this. 

She's already a wife Edith.  She may have been saying that she wants to continue being a wife to her husband.  What other examples Edith because this one doesn't cut it.

[BaileyB]

It’s absolutely ridiculous that you are assessing the potential future of your marriage based on another woman’s posts on social media. Grown adults don’t communicate like this. You are trying to read between the lines here and as always, you make assumptions and create a story that you don’t know to be either true or untrue. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[torn_heart]

9 hours ago, edith said:

It keeps getting worse. She yesterday posted that if she’s right, yesterday was a turning point for them, and a picture saying “I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.” He went to the app again after that. I was able to check after he went to bed. I guess the one positive is he’s not talking to her directly. But since she’s been making herself clear about wanting him for more than an affair, I know this is bad. He’s not ignoring her. I am scared and dumbfounded and hurt and I am glad the boys have sports with him today, because I need time

I keep wondering on that dynamic, I don't understand what app they use and why. 

[Xerad]

10 hours ago, edith said:

because I need time.

Time for what?

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, edith said:

 I guess the one positive is he’s not talking to her directly.

How do you know that?

[edith]

I feel better now. But he’s in an unusually good mood. He’s not cheating with other women, so I know it has to be because of her. These things she posts on Facebook are only for him, you know how you can choose an audience. I know because I use his account. The other app is a messaging app that lets you see when the other person last checked it, that’s how I can also see when he has last checked it. I found a note in his phone chronicling her FB comments, and one of them said “wife and not girlfriend”, “she wants us to go to Greece”. I had no idea what this meant, until today I found a comment she made on a video of a hotel in Greece, and she’d commented that if she went on a second honeymoon, that’s where she’d go.

Its pretty self-explanatory. Just the fact he’s keeping track of what she writes means that he’s taking it seriously. Every hope I had of his involvement being sex-only is gone. Her birthday is in a few days and I’m still holding out hope that he won’t reach out to her. My heart is shattered. I can’t believe that he would allow himself to fall in love with one of them. I’ve always given him plenty of latitude, and this is how he repays me. I’ve always trusted his ability not to fall for anyone, because he’s just not that kind of man. Then this floozy has to be the one to get him? And he’s probably in love with her. I am still not able to even accept this fully. I don’t want to bury my head in the sand, but the way he carries on in his note, transcribing everything she says online, I am backed into a corner. No matter how I work it out, I still can’t see a way that this doesn’t mean anything to him.

[QuietBreeze]

Please don't waste what is left of your youth on a man that has already stolen 10+ years of your life.  I can say from experience that he is planning on leaving you and it's only a matter of time until she gives into being with him.  I'm in this same situation and we are both waiting for our children to graduate hs before pursing a future together.  My heart goes out to his wife as she has wasted so much of her youth staying with someone who only stays for his kids and has been in love with me for over 15 years.  It matters nothing to the other woman if you decide to stay or not because she's not ready herself to be with him at this time.  You need to decide how much of your youth you want to waste on him rather than using that time to find a man that actually loves you and will chase you and adore you the way you deserve.  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, QuietBreeze said:

My heart goes out to his wife as she has wasted so much of her youth staying with someone who only stays for his kids and has been in love with me for over 15 years. 

Oh, the irony. Why is divorce the worse option here? I will never understand that. Divorce = children will adapt, spouse will move on, one can live an authentic life with the person they love as their legitimate partner. Or stay “for the kids” = lying and betraying one’s spouse and children such that everything they thought they knew and trusted in their lives turned out not to be true - their entire life is based on a lie. You have spent the last 15 years living inauthentically and yet, you say that you feel sorry for his wife...

 

Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

18 hours ago, edith said:

I’ve always given him plenty of latitude, and this is how he repays me.

Edith, I’m sorry, but that was kind of inevitable. 

[Prudence V]

18 hours ago, edith said:

“wife and not girlfriend”, “she wants us to go to Greece”. I had no idea what this meant, until today I found a comment she made on a video of a hotel in Greece, and she’d commented that if she went on a second honeymoon, that’s where she’d go.

There you go - they’ve even planned their honeymoon. 
 

It’s not going away, Edith. Please walk away while you’re able to do so with dignity. Don’t give them the satisfaction of being the ones to pull the plug on you. 

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, QuietBreeze said:

I'm in this same situation and we are both waiting for our children to graduate hs before pursing a future together. 

It certainly isn't going to hurt the children any less once they get a HS diploma.

[edith]

Guys, I’m starting to think that I overreacted. I don’t think all of this means he plans on marrying her. That certainly doesn’t fit with his current behavior.

On Tuesday, he reached out to her again. Usually, that would irk me, he just wrote something like “I wish you were on your knees in front of me right now”. The time stamp shows she replied half an hour later, saying “How is it that you always text me when I’m super horny? How do you know? Too bad it never lasts”. Then he replied a couple hours later - it was the evening and he had been with us, but he replied with a long text about what he’d do to her.

She didn’t reply until the following morning! (Yesterday) She started by saying she goes to bed at 8:45 and he had just texted a couple of minutes before she went to bed, so she’d woken up to his message, then she wrote a long message continuing the dirty talk. And he never replied! She said that if she still lived in our state, she’d drive to our house right then. And nothing. This was right before he started his work day, since I know when he went into his home office. He could have replied, I was working off-site, but he didn’t.

Now he’s maintaining the same games of checking on her through the messaging app, not adding women on social media, all of that.

But my question is: this is the third time he texts her and then stops replying. She’s not talking to him on social media either since Tuesday, because I’ve checked her page from his account. If he wants a relationship with her, why doesn’t he continue the dirty talk? Is there something I’m not seeing? I just think if he’s as interested as everyone says, why is he resisting the affair?

I’m still holding out hope that he won’t reach out to her on her birthday, because I do want to fight for my husband. I understand that staying married when you could leave carries the same shame now that divorce once did, but I still want to win him back. I don’t think he’s gone for good.

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, edith said:

I don’t think all of this means he plans on marrying her.

 

39 minutes ago, edith said:

“I wish you were on your knees in front of me right now”

How do you continue to stomach this stuff Edith?