I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[stillafool]

I find it odd that you are okay with your husband cheating on you yet you never had a discussion with him about that. If it were me I would have opened up a conversation about that so I could lay down some ground rules. Maybe if your husband knew he had your blessing to chase no strings attached sex perhaps he wouldnt' have let himself get attached to this particular OW.

 

Do you really feel that you have a happy and healthy marriage when there are so many secrets between you and your husband? Do you really feel like you two are intimately and authentically connected when there is so much unspoken? When you are unable to have honest conversations with him?

 

She's probably afraid if she does bring it up he will divorce her. My mom's husband cheated with a woman from church for years and she never confronted him about it in fear he would leave and she'd end up alone. It's sad what some women will put up with just to have a man in their life.

[edith]

My husband contacted the woman today. She replied right away apologizing for not being able to talk last week, that her house was full of people and she couldn’t find private time. He acted all understanding and asked her to call him. She said she was leaving for a school conference for her son and couldn’t, he immediately said “When can I see you?” and she just said she had to leave.

 

So he wrote he’d sent her a Facebook request! Even 8 years ago, when I first found out about this, they were never Facebook friends. I don’t know how to spy from there. But he’s all over her and I can see another “meet-up” in the future.

 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I honestly thought that last week he only reached out to her late at night because he was honey, it wasn’t anything serious. I can’t begin to convey the amount of fear and dread I feel.

 

If I tell him, I’ll be forever in the dark about all of his activities and will probably be blindsided by a divorce. That’s what I DO NOT want. I want to be holding all the cards. I made an appointment with a counselor today but won’t see her for 3 weeks! You guys, I hope, can be my support until then.

 

Can my husband be that sex-starved? At the same time, is he really expending that much effort? I know he’s been the instigator multiple times, but that goes with being a man.

[carhill]

OP, my exW dealt with this with H2, long term A with a mutual female friend of theirs. She hung in hoping it would go away and trying to leverage the dynamic but in the end learned an important lesson, the 'perfect marriage' she'd really treasured (I saw her albums and scrapbooks and also met H2) just wasn't to be and that divorce shouldn't be feared. H2 came from a well-known family and she was taken care of quite well in the D for a modern working woman. Impressive. She also learned if things weren't going her way, H's are easy to eject.

 

Don't let lifestyle/social prison claim you. Plenty of life left to live.

 

To this question:

 

Can my husband be that sex-starved? At the same time, is he really expending that much effort? I know he’s been the instigator multiple times, but that goes with being a man.

 

Only he knows what's in his mind. IME, with lovers and being married, libido has varied markedly with person, circumstances, age, etc. He could indeed be sex-starved for a particular person, and not you, harsh as that might sound on the surface.

 

Generally, no woman would stay in a long-term affair situation unless there was more than just satisfying a man's sexual needs/desires. Women, in general, aren't wired that way. Haven't met one yet, even though I married one who was definitely into casual sex when not married or in a relationship. The desire was a intimate and complete relationship. Is your H's affair partner a unicorn? IDK.

 

If he's been a consistent instigator over years, and she's been receptive, IMO there's a lot more than simply sex going on. Apologies if this was already covered in the thread.

 

Acknowledging you have no control over him but complete control over you, what's your personal goal for yourself? You say you want to 'hold all the cards'. One truism I heard from a lawyer is that there are no winners in divorce and I found that to be true in my own. So, if you want to 'win', probably rule out divorce, presuming you reside in the US. Trying to win just generates more wealth for the legal industry. What other wins do you want to achieve? H end A? How about separate and live separate lives and stay married legally? That would render the forbidden/naughty aspect of the A invalid. They'd just end up dating/mating with all the attendant trials and tribulations. Get a post-nup if not already done so he doesn't waste the M partnership. Any other ideas?

[Mr. Lucky]

Can my husband be that sex-starved? At the same time, is he really expending that much effort? I know he’s been the instigator multiple times, but that goes with being a man.

 

How often do you have sex? Are you fairly adventurous or more limited in the options you're comfortable with?

 

BTW, none of this has anything to do with why he cheats...

 

Mr. Lucky

[zouz71]

How often do you have sex? Are you fairly adventurous or more limited in the options you're comfortable with?

 

BTW, none of this has anything to do with why he cheats...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

asked same questions .. OP didn't reply , of course him cheating on her is not excused especially if she's not depriving him .

[edith]

We have sex a couple times a week. I wouldn’t call myself adventurous but he doesn’t want for anything. And yes, he’s a serial cheater. I’ve lowt count of how many short term affairs there have been.

 

Thank you, Carhill, for that detailed analysis. It helps me to put things in perspective. Divorce is not an option now, I want the kids to be raised with two parents. What I really want to know is if he has feelings for this woman without asking him, because he’d never reveal the truth. She’s married with a child, so I doubt she’s a viable person for him to leave for. It seems so far-fecthed. But is this a “love affair”? I’m consumed with jealousy but keep telling myself it’s not as bad as I see it. Coming here helps.

 

Why was it said that our sex life isn’t the reason he cheats?

[stillafool]

Of course they are having a love affair the way I see it. If she has plans to leave her husband that would make her viable to leave you. Why worry since you are going to stay with him no matter what and are too fearful to ask him these questions. Just accept it and periodically get yourself checked for STDs. He has an extreme emotional attachment to this woman and that's why he cheats.

[zouz71]

We have sex a couple times a week. I wouldn’t call myself adventurous but he doesn’t want for anything. And yes, he’s a serial cheater. I’ve lowt count of how many short term affairs there have been.

 

Thank you, Carhill, for that detailed analysis. It helps me to put things in perspective. Divorce is not an option now, I want the kids to be raised with two parents. What I really want to know is if he has feelings for this woman without asking him, because he’d never reveal the truth. She’s married with a child, so I doubt she’s a viable person for him to leave for. It seems so far-fecthed. But is this a “love affair”? I’m consumed with jealousy but keep telling myself it’s not as bad as I see it. Coming here helps.

 

Why was it said that our sex life isn’t the reason he cheats?

Dear Op ,

Can you please elaborate on : " but he doesn’t want for anything."

What actions were done to save the marriage (not the image , The core) ?

Consultancy ? etc ...

-Why was it said that our sex life isn’t the reason he cheats? :

There are men who are cheaters even if they are getting satisfaction ferom spouse , others are triggered by deprivation or middle age crisis .

Both are cheaters , but makes a difference a bit.

Edited November 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

simply put....

 

If you choose to stay, you are assuming an awful lot of risk. Keep your head down, your eyes up and never, ever trust him. Ever.

 

 

Keep your own bank account and financials and DO NOT allow yourself to get to intertwined with him. He may well bolt at any time, so be prepared.

[stillafool]

One thing seems to be apparent and that is their affair seems to be about more than sex.

[edith]

This is all very good advice, even though it’s hard to hear. Like I’ve mentioned before, there’s nothing else I can do from a sexual perspective. We’ve never had counseling. I don’t think it would change anything say this point.

 

I’ve expanded the scope of my snooping. I was able to look at his phone when he was in the shower. He connected with her on Facebook and she sent him a message that same day saying to let her know if he’d be free to talk “tomorrow”. He just replied Ok. So I checked his phone log and no calls from/to her number. This gives me hope but I looked at her page and it’s all about her son and basketball (my husband was a basketball player in college on a full scholarship), the homemade meals she makes, her Christmas crafts, fundraising for charity, etc. I didn’t see anything even remotely interesting.

 

I also read a few other messages and they talk about going all the way. She said that would be hard for her because she was a virgin when she married her husband and, apart from my husband, she hasn’t been with anyone else. That she’s never even wanted anyone other than my husband even when she “worked and got hit on”.

 

Could this be part of the chase? She’s never been with anyone else so he thinks that’s somehow a plus? I don’t know if he’s waiting to reply but I’m taking the advice to separate our financials to heart, which someone I know had given me. I’ve opened my own checking account since all of ours are joint. I need to take baby steps but I need to protect myself.

[Amethyst68]

You may not see any further replies fun your WH. In an affair of this length they may have their meeting places and times already set, all they need to know is when each other is available.

 

On this occasion they've established that so need for further communication, they know where and when to go!

[edith]

That may be, but he’s been at home with me and the kids yesterday and today, so he hasn’t gone anywhere else. I see what you mean, though. Maybe when she said “talk”, could be code for meeting up? I don’t know.

[stillafool]

OP, Why are you beating yourself up by snooping and keeping yourself upset. How is this helping you or your marriage?

[edith]

I have to. I have this compulsive need to know what he’s doing with this woman behind my back. I feel as if I’m standing at a precipice, and if I don’t watch my back, something is going to bump me and throw me in.

 

I honestly feel that I need to watch what he does and how involved he really is with her. It either gives me comfort that he doesn’t want her anymore or that he does and I need to prepare myself.

[edith]

Any insights on my last longer post?? Should I be concerned about this Facebook connection? I mean, he’s being exposed to her daily. My heart is breaking to think that she might be the kind of woman he wants, which is not what I am.

[elaine567]

Any insights on my last longer post?? Should I be concerned about this Facebook connection? I mean, he’s being exposed to her daily. My heart is breaking to think that she might be the kind of woman he wants, which is not what I am.

 

 

If you left him tomorrow and filed for divorce.

How would you and our children cope?

A broken hearted mother, forever snooping on her cheating husband is of little good to anyone, I suggest you give packing up and leaving due consideration.

[carhill]

OP, IC would/could help you, if you choose to remain, to accept how things are and make decisions within that milieu which are healthy for you. I wouldn't rule out counseling, especially if you're experiencing anxiety and a compulsion to check up on an affair you already know to be in full and long bloom. Try something else would be my suggestion.

[BaileyB]

Any insights on my last longer post?? Should I be concerned about this Facebook connection? I mean, he’s being exposed to her daily.

 

I think you know the answer to that. Your husband is carrying on an extramarital affair right under your nose.

[BaileyB]

Like I’ve mentioned before, there’s nothing else I can do from a sexual perspective. We’ve never had counseling. I don’t think it would change anything say this point.

 

No, there is not. Counselling will not help a marriage where one partner is a serial cheater - who shows no remorse. And as has been said, he is looking for more than just sex with this woman. There is nothing you can do to negate that.

 

I’m taking the advice to separate our financials to heart, which someone I know had given me. I’ve opened my own checking account since all of ours are joint. I need to take baby steps but I need to protect myself.

 

Yes, you do need to protect yourself. Good plan.

[edith]

No, there is not. Counselling will not help a marriage where one partner is a serial cheater - who shows no remorse. And as has been said, he is looking for more than just sex with this woman. There is nothing you can do to negate that.

 

 

 

Yes, you do need to protect yourself. Good plan.

 

But why, though? Why does everyone keep saying this? There have been break ups but in reality, the sex from what I could count from all the messages only happened on 6 separate occasions over the course of 10 years! I have a really hard time wrapping my head around that making a man infatuated. And it was only oral sex. He always goes back to her but then it never lasts. What in my narrative has made it look like he wants her for more than sex?

To answer another question, if we divorced, we’d be okay. But he wouldn’t be there.

[BaileyB]

But why, though? Why does everyone keep saying this? There have been break ups but in reality, the sex from what I could count from all the messages only happened on 6 separate occasions over the course of 10 years! I have a really hard time wrapping my head around that making a man infatuated. And it was only oral sex. He always goes back to her but then it never lasts. What in my narrative has made it look like he wants her for more than sex?

To answer another question, if we divorced, we’d be okay. But he wouldn’t be there.

 

Just because they are not having sex (or only having oral sex) does not mean there is not a strong emotional connection between these two people. Read these boards and you will learn that men (and women) have affairs for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with sex. Read these boards and you will see there are people who are deeply involved in affairs that have little/no sex. They get a different payback obviously...

 

But, the thing is, he is obviously getting something from the relationship because he continues to go back (if they actually have "breaks" at all). A man doesn't chase a woman for 10 years if she means nothing to him. Just like the men on this board will tell you that they don't spend their money or waste their time dating a woman that they do not like...

 

The bottom line, if your husband was devoted to you and your children, he would not be having sex with other women and pursuing this one women for the past 10 years... Who cares "why" he is doing it, and who cares "what" he is doing (whether they have sex, oral sex, or no sex at all), the fact that he is doing it at all shows you his intention and his priority.

[edith]

Thank you, Bailey. That’s great insight.

 

Nothing has happened in their communications over the weekend, which I expected.

 

I have something bothering me more and more and wanted to see what everyone’s ideas are as far as how much I should worry that he will actually leave me for her. From your life experiences, and your experience reading and contributing to these boards, if a man has been interested in the same affair partner for 10 years but the sex has been sporadic, so you guys think it’s realistic for me to see her as a threat to my marriage actually ending? Is my husband in love?

 

Even though he’s been with her on and off, our kids are still 6-7 years away from leaving for college. Am I sitting on a time bomb?

[carhill]

Conventional wisdom? Both married, long-term A, even if off and on? IMO, not leaving anytime soon. The MW's I've known personally who are long-termers, especially the on again, off again style, are serial/concurrent, meaning they aren't in love affairs, rather enjoy attention and sex and from/with numerous suitors. Could be a same time next year deal, sure, but I doubt it.

[burnt]

Based on what I have read on hundreds of affair stories, NO, your husband will not leave you--EVER. If the affair is discovered, he will go through a phase of apologizing and secretly going back and forth for a while. But depending on how much he sees you in pain, he will eventually stop. Usually, what makes them stop the affair is seeing that their wives are in excruciating pain. That causes guilt and the guilt forces them to stop the affair.

 

If he wanted to leave, he would have long time ago. He is not going leave because the arrangement so far has been working in his favor. So, he has no reason to change.