I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Timshel]

14 minutes ago, edith said:

 I want to think he’s just manipulating her, but I don’t want to be in denial, either. I want to see him get tired of her and come back to our marriage, without tipping my hand.

What marriage Edith? Seriously without irony, though it seems impossible, what marriage?

Where and how did you learn that marriage is possible without communication, without respect?

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, edith said:

I’ve started talking to a counselor, but after only one session, I haven’t been able to even get close to this part of this story.

This Edith.  You need to continue going to the counselor and get to the part where you've put up with your cheating husband for years.  Tell him/her this is what you need to address.  The rest of your post is just you going around and around again with the same story.  Read back over this thread for answers.  We've answered everything at least 4 times each.

[edith]

I understand, but couldn’t it be that this time, since he’s not replying to sexting, he’s lost interest in her? What do you think the lack of sexting while still staying in touch with her mean? Manipulation, right? Not interest? Yes, I am going to be seeing the counselor twice a week. I know I need to.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, edith said:

He is always the one to stop replying to her. They were sexting, and he stops.

Maybe he had to go and clean up. Seriously. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Maybe he had to go and clean up. Seriously. 

Believe it or not that is he first thing I thought when she said that.

[edith]

Oh, Lord… No, he was sitting next to me in the family room and he had only sent one text, as I saw later. Isn’t this also proof? He’s just trying to keep her hooked? No real interest.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, edith said:

Oh, Lord… No, he was sitting next to me in the family room and he had only sent one text, as I saw later. Isn’t this also proof? He’s just trying to keep her hooked? No real interest.

Edith, if you have to ask that question after all these years…

If my partner is sexting another woman I’m going to assume that there is interest. Fidelity is not negotiable in my relationship. If he is sexting with another woman, he would have some serious explaining to do and it’s very likely that he would be out of the house… 

Edited July 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, edith said:

He has added 25 new FB friends since Saturday, some are women, most are men.

This is also weird. Who are these people? And where does he know them from? Is he adding random people? He must have 80,000 FB friends by now at that speed. What the heck is up with that?

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If my partner is sexting another woman I’m going to assume that there is interest.

What’s more, I don’t really care who “hangs up” first. The fact that he is sexting another woman is a problem. 

The fact that he is doing this while sitting next to you on the sofa is even more concerning… That shows such disrespect…

[edith]

No, I know them all, high school and college friends, from his hometown, etc.. Here’s why this is significant: she once told him she looked at his friends list and remembered if he added or deleted “bimbos”. Then he went and deleted a bunch of them. This was back in November. For the past 6 weeks, he follows the pattern of texting her, adding 25-30 friends who are not bimbos, then curbing the sexting. If I know my husband, it appears that he texts to get her to check on him online, Perl up her interest, and since it’s a large number, it draws her attention to the list. I have been keeping track and he’s done this 3 times. Since she said she needed to trust him. So on the one hand, he ignores her after texting her, but then does these things to get her to trust him. This infuriates me. When he texted her on Monday, I slept in the guest room and said I needed to work through the night. I’d checked his phone while he was in the shower. He was sending her a dirty text when I was in the room. She replied to the sexting then asked him “Are you alone?”. That’s when he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what to think. She wanted to know if I was there.

[HiCrunchy]

Oh deary, you are going to drive yourself crazy with all this mind reading. Fact is we don't know what his motivation is.

What we do know is that his actions are disrespectful. You are a person that deserves respect from ur spouse. 

Edited July 1, 2021 by HiCrunchy

[lovelychef87]

14 hours ago, edith said:

No, I know them all, high school and college friends, from his hometown, etc.. Here’s why this is significant: she once told him she looked at his friends list and remembered if he added or deleted “bimbos”. Then he went and deleted a bunch of them. This was back in November. For the past 6 weeks, he follows the pattern of texting her, adding 25-30 friends who are not bimbos, then curbing the sexting. If I know my husband, it appears that he texts to get her to check on him online, Perl up her interest, and since it’s a large number, it draws her attention to the list. I have been keeping track and he’s done this 3 times. Since she said she needed to trust him. So on the one hand, he ignores her after texting her, but then does these things to get her to trust him. This infuriates me. When he texted her on Monday, I slept in the guest room and said I needed to work through the night. I’d checked his phone while he was in the shower. He was sending her a dirty text when I was in the room. She replied to the sexting then asked him “Are you alone?”. That’s when he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what to think. She wanted to know if I was there.

Why do you keep putting up with this disrespect?

[Prudence V]

17 hours ago, edith said:

She replied to the sexting then asked him “Are you alone?”. That’s when he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what to think. She wanted to know if I was there.

That’s why he didn’t reply. He wasn’t. 

[Beentheretoooften]

On 7/2/2021 at 8:30 AM, lovelychef87 said:

Why do you keep putting up with this disrespect

Hes not leaving her ever.  If she’s ok with it, and to have him around, I don’t understand what the big deal is?

[Prudence V]

On 7/1/2021 at 8:52 PM, edith said:

couldn’t it be that this time, since he’s not replying to sexting, he’s lost interest in her?

Only if his only interest in her was “just sex”. 
 

So a bit of a circular argument, I’m afraid. If he stopped sexting with her because he lost interest in her - his interest in her was “merely sexual” all along, ie the kind of interest you’re happy to tolerate. 
 

If, however, he stopped sexting for other reasons, his interest in her is something else - something more - the kind of thing you’re not so happy to tolerate (but do still tolerate, nonetheless). 
 

So either you’re correct, it was nothing all along and you’ve wasted 13 years of your life fixating on “mere sex” and he’s finally lost interest in “mere sex” and you can stop worrying about his phone, or it’s something more, it always was, and at some point this could all explode horribly for you. 
 

Pick one, and act accordingly. 

[stillafool]

On 7/3/2021 at 12:25 PM, Beentheretoooften said:

Hes not leaving her ever.  If she’s ok with it, and to have him around, I don’t understand what the big deal is?

Yeah, we've told her this over and over to just accept that this is happening and to go on with her life and stop the snooping but as you can see - no dice.

[lovelychef87]

On 7/3/2021 at 11:25 AM, Beentheretoooften said:

Hes not leaving her ever.  If she’s ok with it, and to have him around, I don’t understand what the big deal is?

It she is okay with it. Or else why have almost  50 pages  showing  her not okayness. 

[lovelychef87]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yeah, we've told her this over and over to just accept that this is happening and to go on with her life and stop the snooping but as you can see - no dice.

I think  she gonna  go crazy  over  it. He won't  stop and she won't  either. 

[Beentheretoooften]

On 7/5/2021 at 3:25 PM, lovelychef87 said:

On 7/3/2021 at 12:25 PM, Beentheretoooften said:

 

It she is okay with it. Or else why have almost  50 pages  showing  her not okayness

50 pages of ppl telling her to do something about.   Clearly she’s cool with the situation.  50 pages of solid, sound advice.  Peeps just need to stop telling her stuff.  

[lovelychef87]

11 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

50 pages of ppl telling her to do something about.   Clearly she’s cool with the situation.  50 pages of solid, sound advice.  Peeps just need to stop telling her stuff.  

Your probably  right. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 hours ago, edith said:

because I knew it would show this oW he can’t be trusted

This is the most ironic thing written by a BS about her WS that I've ever read on LS (or anywhere).

This sort of comment wouldn't surprise me if it came from OW about BS, but the other way around? Sheesh!!

Edith, you realize you're expecting this other woman to realize your H isn't a prize because he's untrustworthy, yet you are all too eager to have him for yourself so she can't have him, right? It's so strange that you see this as she wouldn't want someone so untrustworthy while you would. It's like you think her standards are higher than yours! And she's one of the cheaters! You think a cheater's standards are higher than yours. Wow!

Don't you think it's time for you to raise your standards, Ediths? Why do you believe you deserve so very little?

[stillafool]

Yawn, nothing new here Edith, they are still doing what they've always done and you're still saying what you always say.

[vla1120]

Edith, clearly the two of them enjoy their stupid little cat and mouse game. I mean, who has time to check how many new friends he's added and who they are? Who takes the time to strategically add/remove FB friends to try to impress the OW? Their "relationship" is based largely on their behavior on social media. She stops showing him her app activity, then shows him again, and posts a "Good boy" meant for him. If I didn't know better, I'd think we were talking about middle school children, here. I really do not understand your continued acceptance of this situation. You must feel like you're on a nightmarish rollercoaster ride. Your nerves must be shot! Regardless of all the ignored advice everyone has given you, I'd walk away for the simple fact that they act like star-crossed puppy-loving teenagers with their silly social media games. I'd rather be married to a grown man (who doesn't cheat) and if your husband were my only option, I'd rather be single.

Edited July 8, 2021 by vla1120

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, edith said:

If he had feelings for her, wouldn’t he be sending non-sexual texts?

It’s a multi-modal relationships. Texts are for sexting. The other stuff they communicate in code - her SM posts that are intended as messages for him; his adding or deleting friends; his not going online to chat to other women and letting her see that, etc. To you and me (and, I guess, many other people here) it seems indirect and bizarre and a little juvenile, but it’s part of their “us against the world” thing that keeps them together, a sort of protracted in-joke that only they “get”. 
 

I sure if you did an analysis of their texts, 13 years of sexts about deep-throating wouldn’t make riveting reading to anyone older than middle school (I’m being generous…) which suggests one (or both) of two things: 

1) neither of them has an emotional age suited to a proper, long-term adult relationship; and / or

2) there is more to this than meets the eye, and the sexts and SM performances are part of a complex mating / relationship sustaining ritual that they’re both fully committed to, and in for the long run. 
 

Given their predilection for arcane smoke signals via social media, there may be other means of communication you haven’t (yet) figured out, using other apps or other online means to signal indirectly. They’re both married, and they both likely think they’re oh so clever to have devised this complex method of communicating that their spouses, and everyone else, is completely blind to, while they enact their performance of “undying devotion”. 
 

It’s not going to stop, @edith. They’re both enjoying it far too much. The question is, how much longer are you willing to allow it? 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Edith, you've stated your main fear is your H having feelings for someone else while you are willing to tolerate unlimited sexual indiscretions.

I think your husband will never truly leave you because you enable his cheating behavior. That's the real value he sees in you. He knows you well enough to know you'll stay put and tolerate anything.

The value for him is he has a built-in excuse for keeping all his mistresses at bay. He can toy with them and has a built-in excuse why he can't ever give them what they want. Then he can enjoy watching everyone squirm in his triangular games. That's his real amusement--pushing people's buttons and watching them squirm.

Meanwhile, he gets to appear like a good guy to the rest of the world. Society adds value and status to certain classifications like "married" and "family man." Keeping those classifications helps him maneuver in the world in different areas of his life like finances and work relationships. These classifications give him instant credibility and status. They make it easier for him to get what he wants across the board.

That's what his marriage means to him, I believe. He's got the perfect, compliant enabler in you. Why would he give that up? Only if he found someone who would be at least as enabling plus give him more benefits. This OW you obsess about...I don't think she'd completely fit the bill because she's already expressed to him she's not as agreeable as you. 

Yet he's clearly attracted to her personality. He seems pretty intrigued with her and she with him.  Still part of what keeps them together is you and her spouse--veneers of normalcy from which they can play off of. 

Does that give you comfort? Why are you so obsessed with her when you could work to alleviate your anxiety? Do you like the high of feeding your obsession? I think you know on some level your H is going to stay married because you tolerate anything from him. He knows few people would be willing to do so.