I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, edith said:

Stillafool - I’m not surprised you don’t remember this, but I own the business my husband helps with, and he is a consultant for two companies. He doesn’t take care of me. You might be on to something with the child support payments. I don’t know. 
 

I’ll come back to answer the previous post.

Oh right, now I remember.  Well that's a good thing.

[Indigo Night]

18 hours ago, edith said:

Stillafool - I’m not surprised you don’t remember this, but I own the business my husband helps with, and he is a consultant for two companies. He doesn’t take care of me. You might be on to something with the child support payments. I don’t know. 
 

I’ll come back to answer the previous post.

If you are the main bread winner, and he leaves you, he will get palimony. So, not only will you be a divorcee, but you will also have to pay for him to enjoy living with the other woman, unless he makes her (depending on your state divorce laws). 

He may also get out of paying child support if you make substantially more than him. 

You think people are being mean to you, but read through your own thread. Very few people, if any, would put up with what you have, and still do, for over 13 years.

If you have accepted his affairs, what makes you think that he's ever going to stop? He won't. You've given him no reason to. He's been cheating and getting away with it for over a decade. He may not know you are aware of his indiscretions, but he does know he has never been read the riot act from you for things he's done. He's gotten away with all of it! With no repercussions! 

If my husband cheated, and I could confirm it, we'd be done. The disrespect and dishonesty it takes to cheat are things I will not tolerate. He is well aware of my feelings on infidelity. He can leave if he wants to fool around with other people. I refuse to have my health put at risk because he's horny, or bored. 

Does your husband know how you feel about infidelity? Does he know what line he has to cross for you to say enough is enough? Maybe you should enlighten him.

Have you considered that he is teaching your children how to be deceptive, and manipulative? Kids see a LOT more than parents often give them credit for. You don't think they can see how stressed you are over what daddy is doing? Trust me, kids can sense emotions no matter how much you try to hide them.

 

[BaileyB]

^^ This has been discussed at length in her previous thread. The financial consequence of divorce and the desire to maintain her standard of living is a big part of the reason why edith has chosen to stay and tolerate this behavior from her husband. 

Amazingly enough, she believes that her husband’s extramarital affairs are “expected” because he is a handsome man. She also believes that they are/would be a happy family if not for this one woman for whom she worried he has an emotional connection - as this threatens the future of her marriage. She has been monitoring this situation for 13 years now and while he has never left, she fears that he will as the children grow older and leave home. She is not entertaining the idea of leaving, edith’s greatest fear is that her husband will leave her to be with this other woman. 

Edited June 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[Indigo Night]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

^^ This has been discussed at length in her previous thread. The financial consequence of divorce and the desire to maintain her standard of living is a big part of the reason why edith has chosen to stay and tolerate this behavior from her husband. 

Amazingly enough, she believes that her husband’s extramarital affairs are “expected” because he is a handsome man. She also believes that they are/would be a happy family if not for this one woman for whom she worried he has an emotional connection - as this threatens the future of her marriage. She has been monitoring this situation for 13 years now and while he has never left, she fears that he will as the children grow older and leave home. She is not entertaining the idea of leaving, edith’s greatest fear is that her husband will leave her to be with this other woman. 

I know. 

She holds on dearly with false hope that he won't decide to up and leave one day, at her expense because she is the main earner. Saying that people like you (and very likely me) are mean, or rude, because you speak the blunt truth, only proves that she is living in her own fantasy land where her husband cheats on her (which she is okay with), but will never leave.

Nothing anyone can say seems to get through to her that she can find a good man that would never treat her this way. But, she had allowed it, for over a decade. At this point, it's hard to blame the husband for doing what he's been allowed to do. Or, feel bad that she puts up with it. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

I know. 

She holds on dearly with false hope that he won't decide to up and leave one day, at her expense because she is the main earner. Saying that people like you (and very likely me) are mean, or rude, because you speak the blunt truth, only proves that she is living in her own fantasy land where her husband cheats on her (which she is okay with), but will never leave.

Nothing anyone can say seems to get through to her that she can find a good man that would never treat her this way. But, she had allowed it, for over a decade. At this point, it's hard to blame the husband for doing what he's been allowed to do. Or, feel bad that she puts up with it. 

Indeed. Much has been discussed about his moral compass (given the fact that he lost his job because he embezzled money from his employer and the fact that he is a serial cheater). What does it say about edith, that she would find it acceptable for her husband to cheat with multiple women because he is “good looking,” that she would bring this man into her business knowing why he was fired from his past employment, and that she would stay and teach her children that this is acceptable behavior. I know of no other woman who would stay, monitor the communications of her husband and his affair partner, post their naughty conversations online, and ask for years - what do you think this means for my marriage? We have long argued - if you have made the decision to stay and ride this out for as long as you can, then quit with the snooping and the storytelling because it’s not healthy for her and it looks absolutely ridiculous to others (there is just no other way to say it). 

Edited June 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[jspice]

42 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Indeed. Much has been discussed about his moral compass (given the fact that he lost his job because he embezzled money from his employer and the fact that he is a serial cheater). What does it say about edith, that she would find it acceptable for her husband to cheat with multiple women because he is “good looking,” that she would bring this man into her business knowing why he was fired from his past employment, and that she would stay and teach her children that this is acceptable behavior. I know of no other woman who would stay, monitor the communications of her husband and his affair partner, post their naughty conversations online, and ask for years - what do you think this means for my marriage? We have long argued - if you have made the decision to stay and ride this out for as long as you can, then quit with the snooping and the storytelling because it’s not healthy for her and it looks absolutely ridiculous to others (there is just no other way to say it). 

Perhaps Edith’s moral compass doesn’t exactly point true north either. 
Don’t forget the married “coach” she has / had delusions of luring away from his wife. 
Her husband’s embezzlement is a mere footnote in her story. Since she keeps such careful track of his communications, who’s to say she didn’t know about it as it was happening?

 

 

[Beentheretoooften]

On 6/12/2021 at 1:31 PM, stillafool said:

Edith's husband has no idea she is spying on him and knows that he is cheating not just with this one but many.  

I find this very hard to believe.  I think deep down the guy probably knows 

[Prudence V]

On 6/12/2021 at 11:51 AM, edith said:

And this is not my opinion, he wrote these things in the note I found in his phone! He actually signals her in this way, it’s his strategy. It’s insidious and disgusting to me that he spends all this time concerned with catering to her and her feelings. And for what? What is his end game?

He wants to win. 
And so does she. And so, Edith, do you, as you’ve admitted. 
My question is, what exactly do you win? Someone whose attention / focus / interest / heart is elsewhere? 
 

On 6/12/2021 at 11:51 AM, edith said:

Obviously, by changing his behavior instead of telling her directly. I think that for as long as he keeps this up, I am safe. Their affair won’t go anywhere.

They’re playing the long game here. It’s not about instant gratification. The affair won’t go anywhere… for now. They’re biding their time. Meanwhile, it’s eating you alive. Do you not want this resolved, Edith? I’m honestly surprised you don’t have ulcers from all the stress this must place on you. 

On 6/12/2021 at 11:51 AM, edith said:

But it’s the intent behind his actions that concerns me. He wants her to see him as a viable option to her husband. He is trying to attract her.  <snip> This is what concerns me the most, and this is why I’m assessing the risk of his leaving me for her.

This may well be his intent - it’s consistent with his actions - but, Edith, there is *nothing* you can do about that. If they are signalling each other and doing a complex mating dance that will one day see them each leave their partners for each other - what, realistically, can you do to prevent it? You can’t outcompete her (or him) - you’re only deducing the rules from a distance, and you’re not even formally entered into the competition. You’re essentially a spectator. This will end when, and how, they want to to end, and not before. 
 

Unless you end it by refusing to play anymore, and there are only two ways you can do that:

1) by walking away. Calling time on the marriage, and ending all of this. Or

2) accepting it. Leaving the spectator stand to go and do something else while they play their games, knowing that at some point they will either get bored of it, or leave their partners to be together - but that that is out of your control and you’re not much bothered however it pans out. Because for (2) to work, you have to stop caring. 
 

Edith, it’s a hard choice. You either accept there’s nothing you can do about it, sign over your life to them to do with as they choose, and prepare yourself mentally for the worst (if, or when, that happens); or you decide you can’t live like that, and you take action. But the action you can take isn’t something you want to do, and it’s hard, and it’s not the future you hoped for. 
 

Or we can all continue for another 10 years, another 40 pages, coming back to the same choice. 

[Prudence V]

7 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

I find this very hard to believe.  I think deep down the guy probably knows 

Perhaps. But it doesn’t matter, one way or another, since he’s had no consequences for his behaviour ever, so feels entitled to keep it up (so to speak). 

[pepperbird2]

37 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Perhaps. But it doesn’t matter, one way or another, since he’s had no consequences for his behaviour ever, so feels entitled to keep it up (so to speak). 

I mean no offence to the OP, but I think they are BOTH getting something out of his affair(s). We all know what HE'S getting, lol, but her? I don't know.

Edith, you are intelligent, capable, likely attractive enough that you caught this guy's eye in the first place. You know he's cheating and way deep down in your hearts of heats, you know he won't stop. You know it's it not just about getting "some on the side". This is who he is. he feels entitled to do it, and he doesn't care if it hurts you. That's him. He's not just a nice guy who is so attractive women throw themselves  at him and he has no choice but to say "yes". he is actively choosing to hurt you every day. Really think about that. Every day, he actively makes a choice he knows will hurt you, and he doesn't care one bit.

Why do you stay and put up with this level of disrespect? What are YOU getting out of this? It's certainly not love or happiness,  so what is it? Financial security? A reason to feel bad? Because it's the sort of treatment you feel you deserve? Edith, this man is downright abusive to you, and you keep going back for more. Why? He may not be physically hurting you ( although the stress is likely taking a toll) by he is emotionally abusing you. Why do you continue to allow this sort of treatment? Don't you deserve better? To live a life free from all this stress, or do you actually enjoy all the drama? Some people do, it's not my cup of tea, but they seem to need that in their life.

In the end OP, your focus is off. Stop wondering about him and his affairs and start wondering why you put up with it, even though it is clearly upsetting to you. You can do better than this schlub.

[edith]

All of you are right, I know. I am heartbroken.

Sunday was her birthday, and I was relieved when he didn’t go to their messaging app at all. I felt vindicated, and as if I’ve been mistaken about his involvement. Then last night, he texted her saying “Happy belated birthday! Did you enjoy your day? I wish I could see you so that I could give you your present.” And off they went sexting. My heart sank. I have read every single message they’ve ever sent to each other in 13 years, and never has he ever wished her happy birthday, or vice versa. Never has he been like this with her. Not only did he deliberately stay away from the app on Sunday so that she wouldn’t think he was checking it but not wishing her happy birthday, but he asks how her day went? Usually he just sexts her right off the bat. I know everyone here has been warning me, but I still had hope that he didn’t care about her. I really did. I didn’t think the simple passage of time meant he’s emotionally involved. It appears that what they have now is an actual relationship. He sent her a few messages last night and then she stopped replying, but I’m sure that will change today.

Im not looking for comfort. I’d rather hear the truth. I’ve lost my husband, haven’t I? Both Prudence and Pepperbird are correct. I don’t have any control over anything unless I act. I just need to decide if I’ll wait for the boys to leave home and try to unwind the business until then (about 5 years), which I’m tempted to do. But now I’m concerned he may not wait until then. I wish I could convey how differently he’s treating her now. It scares me, but it also makes me face reality. 

[Wiseman2]

So what? He wished her happy birthday 🎈.

It's not like he spent the night there telling you the typical "working late" BS, right?

[pepperbird2]

8 hours ago, edith said:

All of you are right, I know. I am heartbroken.

Sunday was her birthday, and I was relieved when he didn’t go to their messaging app at all. I felt vindicated, and as if I’ve been mistaken about his involvement. Then last night, he texted her saying “Happy belated birthday! Did you enjoy your day? I wish I could see you so that I could give you your present.” And off they went sexting. My heart sank. I have read every single message they’ve ever sent to each other in 13 years, and never has he ever wished her happy birthday, or vice versa. Never has he been like this with her. Not only did he deliberately stay away from the app on Sunday so that she wouldn’t think he was checking it but not wishing her happy birthday, but he asks how her day went? Usually he just sexts her right off the bat. I know everyone here has been warning me, but I still had hope that he didn’t care about her. I really did. I didn’t think the simple passage of time meant he’s emotionally involved. It appears that what they have now is an actual relationship. He sent her a few messages last night and then she stopped replying, but I’m sure that will change today.

Im not looking for comfort. I’d rather hear the truth. I’ve lost my husband, haven’t I? Both Prudence and Pepperbird are correct. I don’t have any control over anything unless I act. I just need to decide if I’ll wait for the boys to leave home and try to unwind the business until then (about 5 years), which I’m tempted to do. But now I’m concerned he may not wait until then. I wish I could convey how differently he’s treating her now. It scares me, but it also makes me face reality. 

Please Edith, if you won;t leave this guy int he dust, do it for your sons. he's teaching them how to treat their future relationship partners, and the cycle will just roll on.

[spiritedaway2003]

Edith, I actually think you have an interesting dynamic in play.  You are a BS, and you'd have the support if your husband's cheating is exposed.  The dynamic is interesting, in part because you're also the breadwinner.  In some ways, this puts you into a conflict similar to that of many MMs.  

• Not wanting to leave due to the comfort and stability at home, the shared history, the kids. 
• The care, and even love, you still have for him (in spite of the disrespect your husband had shown you)
• Finances - divorce is expensive and it's a bigger hit if you're the breadwinner, in terms of alimony or child support payments while your kids are under 18. 
• There might be other factors in plays, such as not wanting to "lose" because he'd have half the asset to do whatever he wanted, including building a life with someone else (in this case, the OW). 

From a practical and financial standpoint, in some ways, there is actually more inertia, and even upside, to keep things as is until the kids are grown.  The big question you need to ask yourself is, at what cost to you and your mental and emotional health?

I don't judge your situation (and generally reserve the same when reading this forum) so it serves no purpose to me to offer blanket advice (he cheated so you "must" leave him).  I don't really care either way, because at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with the choices you make, not us.  You need to make decisions that is best for you and your situation, though you should not ignore basic facts:  this isn't your husband's first rodeo with other women. 

Whatever you decide, I hope you make a decision that give you some peace of mind. If you choose to confront, then do.  If you choose to turn a blind eye to it, then do it cleanly. Cease the monitoring and stop putting yourself in pins and needles over each interaction. That's not healthy. If you truly want to know what it all meant for good (not from random internet people), the person who knows the answer -- your husband -- is right there for the asking.

Two final thoughts: You cannot wish for him to stop contact. That is wishful thinking; You can never hope to improve a situation if a problem is not in the open.  Also, you might be biding your time until kids are grown.  It's not that I can't see that viewpoint, but that is also an arbitrary number. A parents divorce isn't going to hurt the kids any less just because they turn 18.  If you don't want to rock the boat for reasons that are only understood by you, then that's fine. Just don't use the kids as a reason for your own relationship decision.

Edited June 16, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[vla1120]

On 6/12/2021 at 6:51 AM, edith said:

This is what concerns me the most, and this is why I’m assessing the risk of his leaving me for her.

Edith, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that perhaps his obsession with her is simply because he has not yet "bagged" her. Maybe she is aware of his propensity for sleeping around (since she keeps an eye on who he befriends on FB) and that's why she hasn't allowed it. It's like a cat and mouse game between them. That does not indicate love to me. It seems more like she is a sexual conquest (especially since that is the crux of their communication). I wonder if he will be as obsessed once he has sex with her.

You've indicated that you really wouldn't be so concerned if you knew it was only sex. I wonder if it would be beneficial for you to sit down with him and tell him you've put up with his philandering all these years because you never felt your marriage was threatened. However, now, you need him to make a decision about this woman once and for all. Maybe even give him the green light to go spend the night with her and get it over with. I mean, really, when you think about it, what could she possibly be offering him in the way of a life partner that would make him consider leaving you? (Unless they've been seeing each other in secret all this time. Otherwise, none of his behavior really seems like the "hopelessly-in-love-can't-live-without-her" type of behavior a man would exhibit for someone with whom he was truly in love.)

[vla1120]

On 6/15/2021 at 5:17 AM, edith said:

Im not looking for comfort. I’d rather hear the truth. I’ve lost my husband, haven’t I? Both Prudence and Pepperbird are correct. I don’t have any control over anything unless I act. I just need to decide if I’ll wait for the boys to leave home and try to unwind the business until then (about 5 years), which I’m tempted to do. But now I’m concerned he may not wait until then. I wish I could convey how differently he’s treating her now. It scares me, but it also makes me face reality. 

I'm going to stick with my thoughts in my previous message, above. If he loved her, couldn't live without her, needed her in his life, he'd have taken more action by now. They haven't even slept together, for crying out loud. From how you've described him, I cannot see him going blindly into a relationship without knowing whether the sex is satisfying. He's too much of a sex hound for that.

Another thought I had is this . . . let's say he leaves you for her. She's basing all of this on whether or not he has stopped contacting all his "bimbos", does she really think he's going to be faithful to her? No. He's going to cheat on her the same way he has cheated on you. For her to think anything else is ridiculous. You know this.

You know how I feel. I'd rather see you kick him to the curb and spend some time by yourself, detoxing from him. You deserve better, but honestly, if the status quo is all your looking for, I think you're safe. I really just think she's a conquest to him.

[Prudence V]

On 6/15/2021 at 10:17 AM, edith said:

I just need to decide if I’ll wait for the boys to leave home and try to unwind the business until then (about 5 years), which I’m tempted to do. But now I’m concerned he may not wait until then. I wish I could convey how differently he’s treating her now. It scares me, but it also makes me face reality. 

Edith, what you need to do now is protect yourself. He may leave soon, he may wait until your boys are grown, or he may never leave. But whichever way, you don’t want to be left vulnerable. Speak to a lawyer about how best to protect your interests and investment in the business, and how to ensure that you and your boys will be OK financially. Once you know what you can do, you can start protecting yourself whether you decide to leave, to wait (and leave later) or not to leave. Doing something will help you get some agency back in this situation. This cannot be good for your stress levels. 

[stillafool]

What damn birthday gift?  Have you checked credit card statements and other accounts to find out what was bought?

[Indigo Night]

15 hours ago, stillafool said:

What damn birthday gift?  Have you checked credit card statements and other accounts to find out what was bought?

I think his "so I could give you your present" comment had nothing to do with a purchased item, but a physical one. 

I could be wrong, but that's what I got from the comment.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I am sorry I have'nt read through this thread except for the last few posts. However, it has already run into 40 pages with no resolution. What little I have learnt is that the OP is a business owner and her husband is more like an employee than a co owner. Also her husband is a consultant for a couple of other companies. The point is that she is aware that he has been having an emotional affair with the same woman for 10 years. It is obvious that he is not leaving the OP because of the financial and physical security she provides. For his emotional succour he has his OW.

It is incomprehensible to me as to why a self respecting and financially independent woman would stick such nonsense from a husband who obviously is least bothered about her and instead just dump the bag of garbage on the OW to look after. If she gets a really good lawyer who can work things in her favour she just may be able to get away with light alimony payments especially if her husband is qualified and does consultancy work. In the mean time she could find a suitable match for herself and thumb her nose at her ex husband just to spite him for all the pain he has caused her. Just my opinion. Warm regards.

[stillafool]

You're absolutely correct Just A Guy but Edith only wants to hold on to her husband.  Nothing else matters.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Still, what on earth could possibly be her reason for hanging on to him? What is he providing her that she cannot get from a decent man who would love and respect her for who she is and not just use her as a bank for his earthly needs? She needs to introspect and draw valid conclusions. If there is any saving grace in the man I could give her the benefit of the doubt. However, in one of her last posts she seemed to be relieved and happy that he had not wished his OW for her birthday. However, the very next day she discovered that he did wish the OW a belated Happy Birthday and that was followed by a flurry of securing between them. How much more would a person want to punish themselves than seething like this? It defies belief. Sorry for the harangue but I found it extremely galling to have to put up with something like this! Best wishes.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Just a Guy said:

Hi Still, what on earth could possibly be her reason for hanging on to him? What is he providing her that she cannot get from a decent man who would love and respect her for who she is and not just use her as a bank for his earthly needs? She needs to introspect and draw valid conclusions. If there is any saving grace in the man I could give her the benefit of the doubt. However, in one of her last posts she seemed to be relieved and happy that he had not wished his OW for her birthday. However, the very next day she discovered that he did wish the OW a belated Happy Birthday and that was followed by a flurry of securing between them. How much more would a person want to punish themselves than seething like this? It defies belief. Sorry for the harangue but I found it extremely galling to have to put up with something like this! Best wishes.

We've been asking Edith this for years.  From what I understand from Edith they have 2 sons together and her husband is supposed to be incredibly good looking.  That's all I got from it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Still, thank you for the clarification. Well, all right if Edith is adamant about hanging on to her worthless husband then so be it. However, why drag out her misery to 40 pages and just keep going around in circles? Makes no sense. She should just thank everyone for their good advice and then close her thread since nothing useful is going to come of going on and on flogging a dead horse. Just my opinion. Best wishes.

Edited June 18, 2021 by Just a Guy
Correction of error.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

what on earth could possibly be her reason for hanging on to him?

 

6 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

why drag out her misery to 40 pages and just keep going around in circles?

These are the questions we have all been asking for the last 40 pages - and I believe this to be her second thread. 🤣