I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, edith said:

If he had feelings for her, wouldn’t he be sending non-sexual texts?

It’s a multi-modal relationships. Texts are for sexting. The other stuff they communicate in code - her SM posts that are intended as messages for him; his adding or deleting friends; his not going online to chat to other women and letting her see that, etc. To you and me (and, I guess, many other people here) it seems indirect and bizarre and a little juvenile, but it’s part of their “us against the world” thing that keeps them together, a sort of protracted in-joke that only they “get”. 
 

I sure if you did an analysis of their texts, 13 years of sexts about deep-throating wouldn’t make riveting reading to anyone older than middle school (I’m being generous…) which suggests one (or both) of two things: 

1) neither of them has an emotional age suited to a proper, long-term adult relationship; and / or

2) there is more to this than meets the eye, and the sexts and SM performances are part of a complex mating / relationship sustaining ritual that they’re both fully committed to, and in for the long run. 
 

Given their predilection for arcane smoke signals via social media, there may be other means of communication you haven’t (yet) figured out, using other apps or other online means to signal indirectly. They’re both married, and they both likely think they’re oh so clever to have devised this complex method of communicating that their spouses, and everyone else, is completely blind to, while they enact their performance of “undying devotion”. 
 

It’s not going to stop, @edith. They’re both enjoying it far too much. The question is, how much longer are you willing to allow it? 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Edith, you've stated your main fear is your H having feelings for someone else while you are willing to tolerate unlimited sexual indiscretions.

I think your husband will never truly leave you because you enable his cheating behavior. That's the real value he sees in you. He knows you well enough to know you'll stay put and tolerate anything.

The value for him is he has a built-in excuse for keeping all his mistresses at bay. He can toy with them and has a built-in excuse why he can't ever give them what they want. Then he can enjoy watching everyone squirm in his triangular games. That's his real amusement--pushing people's buttons and watching them squirm.

Meanwhile, he gets to appear like a good guy to the rest of the world. Society adds value and status to certain classifications like "married" and "family man." Keeping those classifications helps him maneuver in the world in different areas of his life like finances and work relationships. These classifications give him instant credibility and status. They make it easier for him to get what he wants across the board.

That's what his marriage means to him, I believe. He's got the perfect, compliant enabler in you. Why would he give that up? Only if he found someone who would be at least as enabling plus give him more benefits. This OW you obsess about...I don't think she'd completely fit the bill because she's already expressed to him she's not as agreeable as you. 

Yet he's clearly attracted to her personality. He seems pretty intrigued with her and she with him.  Still part of what keeps them together is you and her spouse--veneers of normalcy from which they can play off of. 

Does that give you comfort? Why are you so obsessed with her when you could work to alleviate your anxiety? Do you like the high of feeding your obsession? I think you know on some level your H is going to stay married because you tolerate anything from him. He knows few people would be willing to do so. 

[Irock]

🐶  I can speak from what I know.. I was a psych major.. took 6.5 years.   Counseled many of my friends .. and dealt with it personally... Now me... Won't tolerate that s***.. don't want to be with me.. fine.. I won't take it personally... Cheating and knowing.. then when it happens again.. well funny thing I guess they know they got by first time.. they know how it's going to go down.. the thing called respect... Nonexistent... This husband of yours.. sorry. He's a POS... If he likes it so much on the other side of fence.. that's where his ass would have been kicked... Your self esteem has been plummeted... You tolerate being treated like this because he's taken everything from you that tells you you are worth more... 

[edith]

What impactful posts. Seriously, I am amazed by how insightful all of you are! This has made me rethink how I approach him. I can’t keep taking the route of letting this get to me. The checking is almost compulsive; I just have to know if he’s talking to her. Most of the time, he is.

 

For the past 6 weeks straight, he has been reaching out to her weekly. This week, he has reached out to her twice. She is never the one to start conversations! He does stop replying, which is good. But it’s as if he wants to make sure she won’t forget him.

 

This past week, she sent him a short voice message asking him to send one back because she can’t remember his voice. He opened it the next day, didn’t reply. Then when she posted about her husband going to the driving range with her - my husband is a prolific golfer, she’s just starting to learn! Coincidence? - he reached out to her asking what she was up to. Second time this week. She replied and he started sexting; she just replied “That’s nice to hear.” I saw that night that he was cranky and upset, and I just had a feeling it was because of her. Sure enough. 

 

Then the next day, she posted a message only for him, from what I could tell on his account, telling him what had happened the night before. I copied and pasted it:

 

“I thought of you last night, and I’ve been debating whether I should even tell you, because you might think it’s my fault, but the other things I have to say are important to me, so I will tell you. I went out to a pub and I was there with two other women. Obviously, people naturally start talking to each other just because of the proximity of where we were sitting, but to make a long story short, this guy who, at first, was talking to all three of us, eventually cornered me and asked if I wanted to go home with him! Of course, I immediately blamed myself, did I not make it clear that I’m married? If a woman is out at night, is she fair game? Did I say anything inappropriate to him? I don’t know the other two women that well yet, so I didn’t tell them. 

 

But I was driving home and I started thinking… What if Jack is one of those guys? I wouldn’t know. Maybe you are. I do remember seeing you flirting with some woman sitting across from us at a steakhouse where our work group was once. (I think it was around Christmastime in 2007.) Because if you are that kind of a man, then there’s nothing special about what we’ve been doing for 13 years. It’s just a sport to you. And I know that I don’t want that, even though we’re obviously not in a relationship. 

 

Now, my husband is the complete opposite; he would never, ever sleep with some woman he doesn’t even know. You, I’m not so sure. Maybe I’m the problem - I know my sexual ideals are completely different from those of anyone else I know, men or women. But the fact remains that I still don’t know who you really are, and I cannot will you into being something you’re not. 

 

I have so little to go on; how you act, if you appear to be interested in only me or different women, if you are consistent, if you are interested in my life, if you value our interactions, if you treat me as if I am disposable. It’s not as if we still work together and I can watch your behavior around other women, or we’re out on a date and I can see if you’ll flirt with a waitress or something like that. I simply cannot know who you are, and even though I tell myself over and over again that it doesn’t matter, the truth is that it does.”

 

You know what he has been doing? Since last week, when she told him she had turned off her app activity to see how he acts when he thinks he’s not being watched, then turned it back on, he has not added ONE single friend on FB. Not even one! At one point, when he got mad at her, he added 25 in 3 days. I haven’t seen anything from her about his friends list, but he’s no dummy. He knows she’s watching. She also told him last week that she thought he went on the app in the middle of the night to upset her, and he hasn’t done that since.

 

I am exhausted. I really do think he has feelings for her. I’m trying to deny it, because I can let this blow over, but I don’t even know that I want to wait! I can’t keep living my life based on what he will or won’t do. Am I wrong to think that he’s been escalating their “relationship” by showing her he can be trusted? There isn’t another way to read him, is there?

[Pumpernickel]

17 minutes ago, edith said:

There isn’t another way to read him, is there?

No, there is not.

[stillafool]

Edith all I see is them still playing their game and only the two of them know the rules.   Again, nothing new there as the answers are still all the same. 

We're more interested in finding out what your therapist is saying.  What is that?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, edith said:

I am exhausted. I really do think he has feelings for her. I’m trying to deny it, because I can let this blow over, but I don’t even know that I want to wait! I can’t keep living my life based on what he will or won’t do. Am I wrong to think that he’s been escalating their “relationship” by showing her he can be trusted? There isn’t another way to read him, is there?

Edith, your H may have feelings or maybe he craves her approval for whatever reason. It's nor just sex for him. So many posters have told you this for ages. 

The most encouraging thing you've written is the part I bolded here. 

[vla1120]

On 7/16/2021 at 5:07 PM, edith said:

I am exhausted.

I would be exhausted if I were you, too, Edith.

On 7/16/2021 at 5:07 PM, edith said:

I can’t keep living my life based on what he will or won’t do.

That is the MOST encouraging thing I have ever seen you write!

On 7/16/2021 at 5:07 PM, edith said:

Am I wrong to think that he’s been escalating their “relationship” by showing her he can be trusted? There isn’t another way to read him, is there?

The only thing you can be sure of is the fact that you cannot trust him. She cannot trust him either, but she doesn't really know that to the extent that you do. Honestly, I don't know any man who would continue to play this cat and mouse game after a decade. I don't know what his end game is, but I am afraid you're going to be the one hurting in the end. 

One question...by your statement "I can't keep living my life based on what he will or won't do", are you saying you are about ready to confront him on this issue? Or are you saying you're going to stop thinking about it and just move on with your life? At this point, after all this time, I think you have to pick one or the other. Either confront him and be done with it, or accept what it is and hope he keeps the situation the same for the next decade. Me? I would have confronted him long, long, long ago - but you need to do what is best for you.

[edith]

See, that’s exactly what I struggle with, what is his end game? My therapist says I need to focus on myself and what I want, not what he’s doing, and my homework this week is to figure out what I want.

 

I want him to not be in love with her. I want a man who only has feelings for me. I want a man who is emotionally faithful. I want to stay married to him as long as he loves me. I want to keep my family intact. I want to not care if he loves her- I can’t right now. I want this affair between them to blow over. I want him to not be involved with her in any way other than sexual.

 

Then I start thinking: He’s not putting any effort into getting to know her, asking her questions about her hopes and dreams, how her day was, telling her about his. On the other hand, last week she told him she doesn’t know who he is, and had told him that she had tested him to find out what he would do if he thought he wasn’t being watched. How would he act? Since that day, he hasn’t added ONE single FB friend. Not even one. It’s been ELEVEN days. He’s been on FB for 14 years and has never done this. My gut tells me he’s trying to show her he’s not on FB that much, he’s not using it for other women. Then since last week he only checks their messaging app once a day, never late at night - also because she told him he probably did that to upset her.

 

The truth, as I see it, is that he is changing his behavior for her. This is concerning. But he’s also keeping their direct communication - texts - superficial. He might just be doing the bare minimum to keep her hooked. But even then, just for his ego? What is his end game? I know I can’t know without asking him. But then my gut tells me, as Vla did, that more than a decade maintaining this communication with her, in and of itself, might mean he is involved.

 

I want my husband to love me and not her. I want him to see his future with me and not her. 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, edith said:

See, that’s exactly what I struggle with, what is his end game? My therapist says I need to focus on myself and what I want, not what he’s doing, and my homework this week is to figure out what I want.

 

I want him to not be in love with her.

edith, you don’t control him. You need to decide what you want, and it needs to be something YOU control.

I want world peace - it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. I have about as much control over influencing world peace as you have in wishing that your husband would not be in love with his affair partner - none! 

Your therapist is correct, the only person you control is yourself which is why you need to do an honest assessment of the information you have and decide what YOU want to do about it. Wringing your hands while you monitor his communications and count the number of “friends” he has added on Facebook this week with the hope that he falls out of love with his affair partner is going to achieve nothing. 

Quote

I want a man who is emotionally faithful. 

You need to find a different man. This man has proven that he couldn’t be faithful to you if he tried. 

Edited July 20, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@edith, I'm glad you are in therapy and your therapist is on point with guiding you to consider what you want. You stated here that you want him to do this, that, and the other which is still putting more of the focus on him rather than yourself. Baby steps I guess. I hope soon you'll be able to focus more on what you want, and are willing to do to get it, despite his behavior.

Also, I wonder if you've considered the possibility that your husband doesn't love anyone at all. There are people like that, people who are simply incapable of love. I suspect your husband may be one of them. Have you considered exploring this with your therapist? How would such a realization, if true, affect your decisions?

Edited July 20, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, edith said:

I want him to not be in love with her. I want a man who only has feelings for me. I want a man who is emotionally faithful. I want to stay married to him as long as he loves me. I want to keep my family intact. I want to not care if he loves her- I can’t right now. I want this affair between them to blow over. I want him to not be involved with her in any way other than sexual.

It's good you've done your homework to take to your therapist.  This is a good start Edith.  I can't wait to hear what she has to say once she reads your list.  Keep us posted.

[magnolia18]

Edith, I have been on the other side...as an OW, And what I am still trying to learn is that you have to rephrase what you want as to what YOU can control. It is no good saying "I want a man who only has feelings for me and is emotionally faithful. Or I want to stay married as long as he loves me. It is OK to say "I want to attract a man that only has feelings for me. I want to change my mindset so I don't care if he loves her. I want to become strong enough to protect my family whether or nor he stands by me. I only want to stay married to him if he drops the OW". This way you feel YOU are in control of what you want and can do. You cannot control the other person's feelings or actions, but you can start learning how to control the way you react to them.

 

[Xerad]

On 7/20/2021 at 2:48 PM, edith said:

He might just be doing the bare minimum to keep her hooked. But even then, just for his ego?

I think, my opinion only, he refuses to be controlled or owned by anyone. He plays his little game with her, but it doesn't cost him anything and he doesn't put in much effort. If she were on LS and complained about her MM not leaving his wife and described his behaviour, posters would tell her to drop him like a hot rock because he was obviously only toying with her. 

Does he ever meet with her or spend money on her?

 

[Prudence V]

13 hours ago, Xerad said:

If she were on LS and complained about her MM not leaving his wife

She wouldn’t be; she’s married herself. 

[edith]

That’s one of the things I’ve often thought over the years, he’s not putting in effort. But then I see that he checks her FB dozens of times a day. He starts his day at 6:00 in the morning by checking their messaging app, and it’s the last thing he does at night. It is as if she is on his mind all day. I don’t really know if this makes a difference, in the grand scheme of things.

After she turned him down two weeks ago (he started sexting and she cooly replied with “That’s nice to hear”, he didn’t reach out to her last week. Until this past Monday… I saw a message to her as soon as he was done with our meeting, at the end the day. He wrote “How’s your day going today? I hope all is well.” No sexting, no “I’m thinking about that mouth” or similar. I didn’t have a chance to check until the next morning, but it took her 4 hours to reply to him, and she wrote:“Now is not a good time, Jack. There is so much going on in my life right now. I’m under a lot of stress, which you won’t hear about on social media, and I just can’t deal with the fear that you’re about to hurt me. There is so much baggage between us, and I don’t have the mental space for it. It’s not about you at all. I’m sorry I’m being honest, I know we don’t have that kind of relationship. It just happens to be the truth.”

He hadn’t said a word to me the night before. I was going to check right after he fell asleep, because I just had a feeling it was related to her, but I was exhausted and fell asleep. Now, one would think that he would stop checking, let go, etc.. He never replied to her, but he just started checking on her even more! She lives in another state, they’re not having sex, they haven’t seen each other in 8 years. And the online stalking continues. The only thing that comforts me is that he didn’t reply to her text. If he cared about her at all, he would have. This gives me some hope that she really is just a game.

[stillafool]

t

On 7/20/2021 at 3:48 PM, edith said:

My therapist says I need to focus on myself and what I want, not what he’s doing, and my homework this week is to figure out what I want.

Edith what did your therapist say about the list of things you want and how is therapy going for you?

Edited July 30, 2021 by stillafool

[edith]

Therapy has been surprisingly helpful. I am trying to switch to listing things I have control over. I need to find the strength within to exist without him in my life. I do still hope that this affair will blow over. I think about the life we’ve built, our families on both sides, our boys, and it all seems so much more meaningful than what he has allowed himself to have with her. I truly, honestly do not think she means that much to him.

But I distrust my own judgment, so I will put to you guys a question that has been gnawing at me: she obviously was very raw and open with him on Monday. No reply from him. If he cared about her at all, wouldn’t he have tried to reassure her that he wouldn’t hurt her? That she had nothing to fear? He didn’t even bother. Correct me if I’m wrong, but even though he continues not to add FB friends (he did last Sunday, but immediately deleted one friend so that the count would remain the same), isn’t the fact that he ignored her “intimate” text mean he’s not emotionally involved with her? Am I wrong to read him in this way?

[heartwhole2]

Your husband is shallow and self-absorbed. He cares about himself and his needs, and others exist only to serve him. That's surely why he married a wife who was primed to accept what little he gives her and to accept sexual infidelity.

The OW is playing "hard to get: the super duper long version" and that's why he hasn't lost interest in her. He's addicted to the intermittent reinforcement. He never knows when she will respond positively and give him a hit of dopamine. 

If I had to guess, I'd say that you think about their relationship more than either of them do. They're doing a little push/pull dance that entertains the sort of shallow, self-absorbed people that they are. They enjoy the thrill. Is this love? No. It's narcissistic lust. And so if "don't worry, he doesn't really love her" would really solve everything here, then congratulations. 

But see, that's your real problem. Your real problem isn't the OW. Your real problem is that you are focusing on one tiny little tell of who your husband is at his core, instead of focusing on . . . who he is really is at his core.

Get the focus back to what you control. You can control what kind of relationships you have. Is a relationship where you and your spouse keep huge secrets from each other what you want? Is a marriage to a man who can't provide honesty, fidelity, or empathetic compassion to anyone (you, this OW, or anyone else) what you want? 

I understand that this is what you've known, and it's hard to imagine anything else. But please try to imagine what it is like to be a caring, selfless, mature human who has healthy relationships and boundaries. Now imagine finding a partner who is the same way. Would these partners cheat on each other? Spy on each other? Lie to each other? That's not what happens in my relationship. 

Keep on working with your therapist. You said it was a surprise that it was helpful, and that's because it's really hard to gauge just how much you haven't learned or aren't seeing. But the consensus here is that you are missing a lot about how healthy humans have relationships. Keep putting in the work and I'm sure you will gain new insight and learn new skills. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

16 hours ago, edith said:

I saw a message to her as soon as he was done with our meeting, at the end the day. He wrote “How’s your day going today? I hope all is well.” No sexting, no “I’m thinking about that mouth” or similar. I didn’t have a chance to check until the next morning, but it took her 4 hours to reply to him, and she wrote:“Now is not a good time, Jack. There is so much going on in my life right now. I’m under a lot of stress, which you won’t hear about on social media, and I just can’t deal with the fear that you’re about to hurt me. There is so much baggage between us, and I don’t have the mental space for it. It’s not about you at all. I’m sorry I’m being honest, I know we don’t have that kind of relationship. It just happens to be the truth.”

These are not words of a sex only 'relationship' (if one can call it a relationship). These are emotional words and he actually expressed some concern for her.

3 hours ago, edith said:

Therapy has been surprisingly helpful. I am trying to switch to listing things I have control over. I need to find the strength within to exist without him in my life. 

But I distrust my own judgment, so I will put to you guys a question that has been gnawing at me: she obviously was very raw and open with him on Monday. No reply from him. If he cared about her at all, wouldn’t he have tried to reassure her that he wouldn’t hurt her? That she had nothing to fear? He didn’t even bother. Correct me if I’m wrong, but even though he continues not to add FB friends (he did last Sunday, but immediately deleted one friend so that the count would remain the same), isn’t the fact that he ignored her “intimate” text mean he’s not emotionally involved with her? Am I wrong to read him in this way?

First paragraph here: super progress! Your therapist seems to be a good fit for you. Stay with it. 

Second paragraph: tbh you're right to not trust you're own judgement right now as you are heavily emotionally invested and it's too difficult to see things rationally or in a detached manner. Fortunately, your therapist can help you with this.  

When you ask, "If he cared about her at all, wouldn’t he have tried to reassure her that he wouldn’t hurt her?"...does he do this with you? I'm guessing this would be out of character for him across the board, but you know him best. So, is he the reassuring type of guy?

You are citing some of his behaviors as indicators that he cares. Based on your posts, he appears to show his 'care' through his odd cat and mouse tactics--like they have their own little code of communication (someone else also pointed this out in your thread).

"isn’t the fact that he ignored her “intimate” text mean he’s not emotionally involved with her?" Again, does he act differently with you or others he cares about? Does he express his emotions easily and openly? I'm guessing not, so his behavior with her is the baseline he operates from with everyone. He seems like he's not overly emotional or expressive with anyone. If he's not emotionally expressive with anyone else, then it means he's just acting from his baseline rather than ignorimg her.

Don't assign meaning to his behavior unless he deviates greatly from his standard baseline. 

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, edith said:

Therapy has been surprisingly helpful. I am trying to switch to listing things I have control over.

Good that therapy has been helpful for you.  What does your therapist think of your reading their conversations?  Does she think it's a good idea or not?  What is she saying about their interaction?

[Prudence V]

On 7/31/2021 at 2:23 AM, edith said:

If he cared about her at all, wouldn’t he have tried to reassure her that he wouldn’t hurt her?

They don’t explicitly message about those things, though. That’s what smoke signals are for, as he’s been doing: 

On 7/31/2021 at 2:23 AM, edith said:

he continues not to add FB friends (he did last Sunday, but immediately deleted one friend so that the count would remain the same)

As she noted to him, 

On 7/30/2021 at 1:37 PM, edith said:

“Now is not a good time, Jack. There is so much going on in my life right now. I’m under a lot of stress, which you won’t hear about on social media, and I just can’t deal with the fear that you’re about to hurt me. There is so much baggage between us, and I don’t have the mental space for it. It’s not about you at all. I’m sorry I’m being honest, I know we don’t have that kind of relationship. It just happens to be the truth.”

She’s struggling, he’s trying to contain, be consistent, be dependable by *not* freaking out and over-reacting to her changing the terms. He’s being Mr Rock Solid, showing her he’s still there, just as he’s always been. 
 

He’s clearly thinking about her, and is letting her know in their usual, indirect way. If she meant nothing / very little, he wouldn’t care what she thought (or feared), he’d revert to all those behaviours that she didn’t like (adding bimbos on SM, chatting to randoms on the chat app, etc) and not caring what she read into that. He’s not - he’s taking care to show her he’s still that thoughtful, considerate guy who’s there for her. 

[Prudence V]

On 7/31/2021 at 2:23 AM, edith said:

I am trying to switch to listing things I have control over. I need to find the strength within to exist without him in my life.

This, OTOH, is where your focus should be. This is really encouraging!

[Daisydooks]

On 7/30/2021 at 9:23 PM, edith said:

Therapy has been surprisingly helpful. I am trying to switch to listing things I have control over. I need to find the strength within to exist without him in my life. I do still hope that this affair will blow over. I think about the life we’ve built, our families on both sides, our boys, and it all seems so much more meaningful than what he has allowed himself to have with her. I truly, honestly do not think she means that much to him.

But I distrust my own judgment, so I will put to you guys a question that has been gnawing at me: she obviously was very raw and open with him on Monday. No reply from him. If he cared about her at all, wouldn’t he have tried to reassure her that he wouldn’t hurt her? That she had nothing to fear? He didn’t even bother. Correct me if I’m wrong, but even though he continues not to add FB friends (he did last Sunday, but immediately deleted one friend so that the count would remain the same), isn’t the fact that he ignored her “intimate” text mean he’s not emotionally involved with her? Am I wrong to read him in this way?

It means nothing of the sort.  Why you assume that after 13 years is absolutely mind blowing to me

[vla1120]

On 7/30/2021 at 9:23 PM, edith said:

Therapy has been surprisingly helpful. I am trying to switch to listing things I have control over. I need to find the strength within to exist without him in my life. I do still hope that this affair will blow over. I think about the life we’ve built, our families on both sides, our boys, and it all seems so much more meaningful than what he has allowed himself to have with her. I truly, honestly do not think she means that much to him.

But I distrust my own judgment, so I will put to you guys a question that has been gnawing at me: she obviously was very raw and open with him on Monday. No reply from him. If he cared about her at all, wouldn’t he have tried to reassure her that he wouldn’t hurt her? That she had nothing to fear? He didn’t even bother. Correct me if I’m wrong, but even though he continues not to add FB friends (he did last Sunday, but immediately deleted one friend so that the count would remain the same), isn’t the fact that he ignored her “intimate” text mean he’s not emotionally involved with her? Am I wrong to read him in this way?

I'm glad therapy has been helpful!

As far as ignoring her "intimate" text, he might just be calling her bluff. She expected him to fawn over her and tell her things she wanted to hear. He stayed in control of the situation. Now he's just waiting to see her next move, meanwhile, proving his "worth" by keeping tabs on his exact FB friends' count. As others have said, you can only judge his behavior toward her based on his behavior toward others with whom he is emotionally involved (you, for example.) I suspect he's not really an emotional person to begin with and I suspect he has some deep seated narcissistic qualities about him. I do not toss around the term "narcissistic" carelessly, having experienced six years with a diagnosed NPD for a husband.

I still believe he's determined to win this stupid little game he is playing with her, especially since she plays hard to get. I still cannot believe a grown man counts his FB friends, careful to add/delete just the right amount so that his numbers remain the same - all for the sake of impressing some woman. What I cannot figure out is what his end game is - if she gives him an ultimatum (like "meet me in person or this stops"), I don't know if he would follow through just to be able to say he won the conquest in the end.

I like the homework your therapist gave you. It's time for YOU to decide where you will draw the line in the sand. You cannot control him, but you can regain control of YOUR life and not let his game with her play such an important role in your happiness. You are enough.