I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[edith]

Thanks, everyone.

I’m back to square one. He continues to signal her on the messaging app. He continues not to chat with other women to make her think he’s not seeing anyone else. She is now posting a link to a playlist with videos and songs about them, since she unfriended him on FB and hasn’t re-added him. He continues to check on her obsessively. If he were telling the truth about it being just physical, wouldn’t he have dropped her? I expected him to let it go after she said nothing will happen between them unless there’s a relationship. He’s been very busy so he’s not seeing anyone else at the moment. Our marriage is better than it’s been. Only because I was finally relieved that he told her it was just sex. But he still can’t let go.

Do I have to worry about him leaving me just fir sex? Does that happen? Why can’t he see that she’s just a fantasy? Do men leave for sex only? And why would he bother to add he “respects and cares about her” if it is just physical? I’m confused and fully expected him to let her go.

[heartwhole2]

You "fully" expected him to let her go. Are you being honest with yourself? After all of this, you thought that one little hiccup would make him lose interest completely?

The thing is, no one is immune from losing a partner to death, a midlife crisis, growing apart, etc. You will never be guaranteed that. I do think that in a healthy relationship where there are shared values and transparency and respect, you could be a lot more confident than you are now. But even if you're married to Mr. Rogers, you still have no guarantees about how your life will go. You need to have faith in yourself that you will weather whatever the future brings. And you have to have the strength to choose healthy things for yourself today so that you can enjoy the fruits of those choices later.

[edith]

That’s the thing, though. It’s not a hiccup. She told him she wants a relationship. He should have stopped worrying about what she thinks and let go. He should be using the app at 2:00 in the morning without caring if she sees it. He shouldn’t be checking her playlist at 11:00 at night and watching the relationship advice videos and songs she posts for him. He shouldn’t be reading their messages again and again. If it’s just physical, is daydreaming about the limited sex they had 8 years ago enough to make her emotionally attractive? I think not. But he’s a persistent SOB.
 

I am angry and jealous and I feel robbed because I was sure that her putting her foot down about a relationship, which she has never done in 13 years, would have the opposite effect and make him dump her and go chase someone else. I am angry with myself for believing one more time. I want him not to want her more than I want anything else. I know - I don’t have control over him. But knowing he has let her go would give me peace.  Do I have to worry that he would leave for sex only? Is he lying about it being just physical? 

[S2B]

He has no reason to let her go. Let’s be real.

your expectations are way out of alignment.

you are only capable of changing the way YOU participate in this fake marriage.

Edited September 23, 2021 by S2B

[edith]

I disagree that it’s a fake marriage. Just because it’s not a monogamous marriage, that doesn’t make it fake. I agree we have secrets, but that allows us to stay together. What if he’s actually protecting our marriage by keeping their relationship sex only? He’s actually being responsible by having an affair with a woman he isn’t in love with. Of course, I’ll discuss this with my therapist, and it does bother me that he insists on keeping her in his life, but he is giving her boundaries that protect our marriage. Am I being naive by believing his “physical” confession? That’s what I’d like the discussion to turn to. After 13 years, should I believe what he told her?

[S2B]

Honestly Edith, you should have forfeited this ‘marriage’ decades ago.

spending this much time focused on his absurdities is just sad on your part.

[justbrowsing85]

2 hours ago, edith said:

What if he’s actually protecting our marriage by keeping their relationship sex only? He’s actually being responsible by having an affair with a woman he isn’t in love with.

Oh lordy!!!  You need to read it out loud to yourself, many times if necessary.  Doesn't it sound like someone is in denial of reality?  

 

OP, this is not a rhetorical question.  You have tolerated your husband cheating for 13 years.  Why is it so important to you that he ended it now?  You don't seems to want to confront him and just wishing it will go away.  If it doesn't go away after 13: years, it won't go away after 130 years.  You even think his cheating is his way to protect your marriage.  Why you want him to stop cheating?

[Prudence V]

13 hours ago, edith said:

He should be using the app at 2:00 in the morning

Edith, did you really just write “my husband should be texting other women on an app at 2am”…? Please stop and think about that. I do not know a single married woman who would be able to type that sentence without feeling sick to her stomach. 

why do you accept so little for yourself? 

10 hours ago, edith said:

I agree we have secrets, but that allows us to stay together.

Your secret is that you access his phone. His secret is that he shags anything with a pulse, and has a long-standing affair lasting more than a decade, that may or may not be love. I think that’s not only false equivalence, it’s also dangerous. If he is only able to stay in the marriage because of his affairs, that sounds very unhealthy. If the marriage is only able to survive because you access his phone to find out what he’s been up to, that sounds very unhealthy too. 

Maybe these “secrets” enable you to stay together, but “can” doesn’t mean you should. 

 

10 hours ago, edith said:

He’s actually being responsible by having an affair

Please read that again, out loud, to a friend. If it doesn’t shock you, perhaps seeing the shock on their face might register just how unhealthy your thinking has become. 
 

10 hours ago, edith said:

After 13 years, should I believe

After 13 years of him lying to you every day, can you believe anything he says to anyone? 

[Alfano]

On 9/23/2021 at 7:27 PM, edith said:

What if he’s actually protecting our marriage by keeping their relationship sex only? He’s actually being responsible by having an affair with a woman he isn’t in love with.

Wow that is really twisted thinking.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/23/2021 at 7:27 PM, edith said:

it’s not a monogamous marriage

Are you in an open marriage? Do you have lovers as well? Why bother checking his phone if you both know he's seeing someone outside the marriage? 

At this point he must know you know about it and are ok with it, so why not open up about it? Perhaps if you are frank with him, you can take an extramarital lover as well and level the field.

[stillafool]

On 9/23/2021 at 7:27 PM, edith said:

Am I being naive by believing his “physical” confession? That’s what I’d like the discussion to turn to.

This question should be addressed to your therapist.  That's why you pay her.  What has she said about their ongoing conversations?  Is she under the impression he's not in love with this woman?

[Daisydooks]

On 9/23/2021 at 7:27 PM, edith said:

I disagree that it’s a fake marriage. Just because it’s not a monogamous marriage, that doesn’t make it fake. I agree we have secrets, but that allows us to stay together. What if he’s actually protecting our marriage by keeping their relationship sex only? He’s actually being responsible by having an affair with a woman he isn’t in love with. Of course, I’ll discuss this with my therapist, and it does bother me that he insists on keeping her in his life, but he is giving her boundaries that protect our marriage. Am I being naive by believing his “physical” confession? That’s what I’d like the discussion to turn to. After 13 years, should I believe what he told her?

But it hasnt been sex in 8 years. What in all of this makes you think this is about sex? He hasnt had sex with her is years. I dont think he is willing to lose half his assets for her *which is why I believe he said its never going to be emotional the way she desires* but it is 100% emotional and there is almost no physical affair because they havent even physically seen each other. Im confused about why you think its just sex. Truly. I think he wants to keep his marriage because its cheaper to keep you. If he divorces, he owes you half of everything and he doesn't want to do that. So you and Amanda both lose out. She gets crumbs and you get a liar and a cheater. 

[Daisydooks]

On 9/25/2021 at 7:54 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Are you in an open marriage? Do you have lovers as well? Why bother checking his phone if you both know he's seeing someone outside the marriage? 

At this point he must know you know about it and are ok with it, so why not open up about it? Perhaps if you are frank with him, you can take an extramarital lover as well and level the field.

She has  not confronted him. This is not an open marriage in the true sense of the term. He knows he is. She knows he is. He does not know Edith knows anything and thinks he is flying under the radar.

[edith]

I will try to reply to all questions.

He misses her. I will get to that later.

As Daisy explained, no, he doesn’t know that I know. It is not an openly open marriage, if that makes sense. I tell him I know, he goes underground even more and I’ll never again know what’s coming. It’s either blindsiding him with divorce, or sitting on the sidelines until their affair dies off. My therapist keeps harping on how I need to identify my own needs, so no time has been spent on my husband’s intentions about his affairs. We will get to that, I suppose.

The reason I think she’s just sex is that he told her so. He also added he respects and cares about her (which the LS moderators removed from my post since it was attached to explicit language), but he used the word “but”, saying “But you and I, it was physical. And I loved it.” He basically told her their bond was sexual. I was so relieved. To me, it meant he sees her as good for sex only. That he only thinks about her sexually.

Then last night happened.

The last time he texted her, a couple of weeks ago, she replied to his last message on the messaging app, and apparently it wasn’t delivered, because she texted him on Facebook, even though they’re no longer friends, saying “I just tried to text you back but it’s showing as not delivered, for some reason”. He replied on the messaging app and they kept talking two weeks ago.

Now, I saw her message on his Facebook. Because they’re not friends, you still get notified but the message goes to a separate folder. Facebook tells you “the person won’t know you’ve seen it until you reply”. I didn’t open the message. The day after they talked, I checked again and *he* had opened her Facebook message, but did not reply. He left it in the separate folder.

Last night, he replied to the Facebook message as if he had just seen it, saying “That’s odd. Not sure why that happened.”

He KNEW the Facebook message was two weeks old! He was just waiting until he missed her as an excuse to text her again while saving face. She replied “Oh, no! I sent you that message two weeks ago. Not now. That is odd”. He replied “Sorry. Have a great night. Take care.” She replied “You don’t have to apologize. Take care.”

The moment I realized what he had done, I knew exactly what his intention was. I knew it was because he missed her. He hasn’t been on their messaging app in three days. It’s as if he wanted some kind of contact with her, hoping she would start a conversation. The one silver lining for me is that she seems to be sticking to her “no real relationship, no contact” rule now. But it’s the fact that he appears to miss her that has me questioning my line of reasoning. He said she’s just sex. Maybe he just wanted more dirty talk last night? I don’t know. But he was up until 2:00 am. 
 

I am upset and hurt and unable to deny that he might fall for her obvious attempt to deepen what they have. I don’t want to stay married to a man who loves someone else, if he indeed does.

[Alfano]

edith just imagine how much more free time you'd have, that you could spend doing enjoyable activities for yourself, if you weren't obsessing all day long over your cheating husband and his various mistresses.

 

 

[stillafool]

On 9/29/2021 at 2:26 PM, edith said:

My therapist keeps harping on how I need to identify my own needs, so no time has been spent on my husband’s intentions about his affairs. We will get to that, I suppose.

All of this time you've been seeing your therapist and you aren't talking about the one thing you're obsessed with for years?  Why haven't you told her about your obsession with this OW and your husband?  That's what keeps you awake at night.

[lovelychef87]

 sitting on the sidelines until their affair dies off. 

Honestly it's been what 10+ years? What makes you think it's ever going to stop or pause? Also why would it stop or pause?

[lovelychef87]

On 9/29/2021 at 3:22 PM, Alfano said:

edith just imagine how much more free time you'd have, that you could spend doing enjoyable activities for yourself, if you weren't obsessing all day long over your cheating husband and his various mistresses.

 

 

 Just think if he had a real man to love her and just her. How much weight and stress would be lifted.

[vla1120]

On 9/29/2021 at 2:26 PM, edith said:

My therapist keeps harping on how I need to identify my own needs.........

@edith

1. Have you been working on identifying your own needs?

2. When you do identify your needs, are they needs you can satisfy on your own without anything from him? (Probably not, I'm thinking?)

3. If your answer is no, and you need HIM to satisfy your needs (like picking you over her), how long are you willing to wait and wonder if/when he will meet your needs? Also, when will you communicate your needs to him?

4. For your own peace of mind, if you refuse to express your need to be the only one he loves, I think your only other choice is to accept things as they are and stop driving yourself insane checking his social media. If he hasn't left by now, I would be shocked if he did - especially since he told her it was just sex and he knows she wants more. Maybe he's just mad that he no longer has his sexting partner. He did seem to favor her for some reason, but he can find someone else to fill that roll. I suspect you'll be seeing him wander in a different direction soon, if you continue to check his social media.

I do hope you are working on identifying those needs, and also working on self-care.

[astutise]

On 9/30/2021 at 10:24 PM, stillafool said:

All of this time you've been seeing your therapist and you aren't talking about the one thing you're obsessed with for years?  Why haven't you told her about your obsession with this OW and your husband?  That's what keeps you awake at night.

Good therapists don't waste time gossiping with clients, aiding in their guessing games as to why someone else in their life might be behaving the way they do, but rather focus on the client and why they are obsessed with wondering about others/what it means for THEIR lives. Anyway, Edith has spent over 40 pages on here trying to get answers to her husband's intentions.

The problem is, Edith wants there to be ONLY answers that make sense to her, or fall within limited options that she can live with. She's happiest and most accepting when she can think her husband is talking to the other woman 'for sex only', so her fear is an emotional connection that could potentially drive him to abandon Edith. People rarely work as simple as that. For her husband, he enjoys the chase, the cat and mouse silly games, the allure of hidden exploits, the sexual tension build-up, its his little bit of wild time amongst his day-to-day life. It sounds like a drug to him and the other woman now. The hits that come with another message, the withdrawal symptoms that both seem to go through when they stop - seen when the OW deleted him but came back to message him still? They have an addiction. 

They say most of us in life have addiction in one way or another to cope with our lack of emotional coping skills towards our childhood wounding, and as a collective, we don't address this. The husband and other woman are addicted to their childish games and 'thrill of the chase' and fantasy, Edith is addicted to her husband. I knew someone who behaved very similarly to Edith with her fiance who behaved very similarly to the husband. It went on for 7 years before the woman has a psychotic breakdown from the stress. The fiance did not. Simply moved on to the next and continued his ways. These behaviours do not change.

What a depressing waste of 13 years, edith, i truly feel sorry for you. 

[Prudence V]

On 9/29/2021 at 7:26 PM, edith said:

I don’t want to stay married to a man who loves someone else, if he indeed does.

He does have feelings for her, that much is clear. 
 

How deep those feelings go, and if that can be characterised as “love”, is moot - but then, the connection he has for you isn’t what most people would consider “love”, either. He treats you with profound disrespect and clearly has no empathy toward you. If you’re happy enough to accept that as “love”, then you should probably include what he feels for the OW in the same category. It’s long lasting, comfortable, familiar. He needs it and relies on it being there for his own emotional equilibrium. 
 

The same way you rely on his “lack of interest” (beyond sexual) in her for yours. 
 

None of it is healthy. Your well-being should not depend on his feelings on any given day about his GF. Your well-being should depend on things you can control, like whether you’ve spent time enjoying beauty that day; whether you had a good conversation that helped you feel connected to someone or something; how comfortable you feel in your body; whether you had a good laugh, a good cry, a good night’s sleep or a good meal. Whether you feel pleased with what you achieved that day, or a special moment with your kids, or a book you read or movie you watched that resonated in a powerful way. 
 

@edith your life has shrunk down to this single dimension. It consumes so much of your mental and emotional energy. Please reconnect with the other things that once inspired you to get up in the morning. As it stands, one text can shatter your day or send you orbiting the moon. That really isn’t sustainable. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, astutise said:

Good therapists don't waste time gossiping with clients, aiding in their guessing games as to why someone else in their life might be behaving the way they do,

I didn't expect that the therapist would engage in gossiping but perhaps help her with the obsession over them?  Maybe try hynotherapy Edith.

[elaine567]

On 10/1/2021 at 5:10 AM, lovelychef87 said:

 Just think if he had a real man to love her and just her. How much weight and stress would be lifted.

She may just find another problem to obsess about

[edith]

On 10/12/2021 at 6:17 AM, Prudence V said:

He does have feelings for her, that much is clear. 
 

How deep those feelings go, and if that can be characterised as “love”, is moot - but then, the connection he has for you isn’t what most people would consider “love”, either. He treats you with profound disrespect and clearly has no empathy toward you. If you’re happy enough to accept that as “love”, then you should probably include what he feels for the OW in the same category. It’s long lasting, comfortable, familiar. He needs it and relies on it being there for his own emotional equilibrium. 
 

I know, the whole thing is insane. But therapy has been helpful, I am slowly able to decrease my checking behaviors, but at this point, I know too much.

For example, this past week has marked the ONE YEAR anniversary of his banishing other affairs from “their” messaging app because she said that she equated his not going on the app often with the absence of other women. She said that one year ago, because it was around our son’s birthday, and for this entire year, he has only chatted with her on the app, and I can see how careful he is not to check it often, otherwise she will think he’s chatting with someone else. It was actually my therapist who drew attention to that. It’s been a whole year. Therapy has made it easier for me to see that denying his emotional involvement is simply that - denial. As you said, Prudence, what I cannot know is whether his feelings run deep. But an entire year of changing his behavior consistently and reliably to appease her, when he hasn’t seen her in 8 f*#%*ng years, is too much to be considered nothing.

Here’s my question, though. I do worry about him, but lately I’m worried about her. Am I wrong to believe that she wants something serious with him? I mean, she’s in love with him, right? If anyone cares enough to go back and read her messages to him that I’ve posted, she’s definitely not in it for sex. And that worries me. I am slowly letting go of the notion of keeping him, but I stubbornly do not want to lose him to her, specifically. What if both of them are just waiting until the kids are grown? Do I have to worry about her feelings? I do enjoy my life in the meantime, but it’s like having a guillotine above my head with the blade ready to drop at any moment. Yes, therapy is helping, but I’ve gotten so much wisdom from this forum that I can’t help but ask.

[S2B]

He definitely loves her. He’s willing to risk his marriage just to get texts from her.