I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Indigo Night]

[ ]

He has not stalked his other partners for over a decade, but he keeps close tabs on this one woman. You don't see anything wrong with that? Based on everything you've written for years, and checking in him constantly, you seen to have a pretty big issue with what he is doing in regards to her.

Sounds like S2B was correct. Why so quick to insult a valid assumption, based on 40+ pages of you asking "does he love her" and "what does it mean"?.

[ ] 

This is what you wrote;

"I'm back to square one. He continues to signal her on the messaging app. He continues not to chat with other women to make her think he’s not seeing anyone else. She is now posting a link to a playlist with videos and songs about them, since she unfriended him on FB and hasn’t re-added him. He continues to check on her obsessively. If he were telling the truth about it being just physical, wouldn’t he have dropped her? I expected him to let it go after she said nothing will happen between them unless there’s a relationship. He’s been very busy so he’s not seeing anyone else at the moment. Our marriage is better than it’s been. Only because I was finally relieved that he told her it was just sex. But he still can’t let go.

 

Do I have to worry about him leaving me just fir sex? Does that happen? Why can’t he see that she’s just a fantasy? Do men leave for sex only? And why would he bother to add he “respects and cares about her” if it is just physical? I’m confused and fully expected him to let her go."

 

And you wonder why perks think he loves her. 

Edited October 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[Allupinnit]

I know you're trying to keep your marriage together, but I'm trying to figure out why you think snooping on him like this helps you in any way.

Just enjoy your marriage for what it is - what you BOTH know it is.  You're the wife and "woman of the house" and mother of his children and he plays.  It's not uncommon, you just need to finally accept it.  I think you could be a lot happier if you put it out of your mind entirely and focused on your home and children.  Obviously, cheating is not a deal-breaker for you and he has no intentions of quitting, it is what it is.

He might have feelings for her but it honestly doesn't sound like your husband nor this woman want to get divorced, they just enjoy this affair they've had going on for god knows how long.  It's a distraction from his boring life (you and the kids and work).  

Edited October 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quoted removed content

[Nothanks]

We are now at 45 pages of crazy making repetition.  OP I don’t get what you are looking for?  If your marriage works for you, that is great news.  Continue on in peace. If you want to know if he loves her, ask him. He probably won’t tell you the truth because it doesn’t benefit him to do so.  You could ask his OW if he has told her he loves her.  Again, no reason for her to be honest with you. Nobody here can tell you what he is thinking or feeling. We can only tell you that having a long term affair is not a sign of a good and healthy marriage (and definitely not my definition of love) and that his continued contact with OW is disrespectful to you (regardless of what his feelings for her may be).  So how can we help you?.  

Edited October 16, 2021 by Nothanks

[Prudence V]

On 10/14/2021 at 9:09 PM, edith said:

Am I wrong to believe that she wants something serious with him? I mean, she’s in love with him, right? If anyone cares enough to go back and read her messages to him that I’ve posted, she’s definitely not in it for sex.

Her messages suggest that, yes. The sexting was something she enjoyed to a point, but she’s wanting something more. It’s been 13 years. There’s an emotional connection there for her, too. 

 

On 10/14/2021 at 9:09 PM, edith said:

I am slowly letting go of the notion of keeping him, but I stubbornly do not want to lose him to her, specifically.

Sadly, @edith, this is something you have no control over. Whether he leaves for her tomorrow, in ten year time, or finds his way back to her many years after you kick him out… - all of that is something only he and she can control. You can cling to him or let him go, but ultimately that won’t make a difference. If he wants her, and she’s ready fir him, your feelings or your behaviour won’t change what they do or don’t do. And as for losing him (to her or anyone else), that ship sailed long ago. He’s no longer “yours” to lose, if he ever was. He’s been operating like a free agent and doesn’t see himself as “yours” to lose. 
 

 

On 10/14/2021 at 9:09 PM, edith said:

What if both of them are just waiting until the kids are grown?

That possibility has been suggested many times on this thread. It’s certainly possible. 
 

 

On 10/14/2021 at 9:09 PM, edith said:

Do I have to worry about her feelings?

Why not - you’ve put your future, your marriage, your life, in their hands. 
 

Alternatively, you can stop worrying about either of their feelings or behaviours, and take some agency back. Make choices that shape your own future. Decide if you want to stay or go, but if you stay, accept that this is what your marriage is, and the best it’s going to be. It could evaporate tomorrow, or continue for years… but his behaviour, and hers, aren’t going to change for the better. You can choose to accept that and live with it, or to leave - whatever works best for you. But stop positioning yourself under the guillotine blade - if you stay, accept it as a bonus on a marriage that has functionally ended already, not as a marriage on a precipice that might end tomorrow. 

[BaileyB]

On 10/14/2021 at 3:09 PM, edith said:

therapy has been helpful.

For example, this past week has marked the ONE YEAR anniversary of his banishing other affairs from “their” messaging app

Therapy has been helpful… but now let’s get back to gossiping about my husband and his affair partner and their intentions toward each other and the threat to my marriage.

On 10/14/2021 at 3:09 PM, edith said:

I am slowly letting go of the notion of keeping him, but I stubbornly do not want to lose him to her, specifically.

That’s not your decision to make. You have no control over your husband, this other woman, and whether they do in fact get together eventually or not. 

If it was me, she would be welcome to have him. In fact, I would message her myself and tell her that he is available - she could come and collect him whenever it was convenient for her… I would file for divorce and use my divorce settlement to live happily ever after without the worry of wondering who my husband is fantasizing about and having sex with now…

Edited October 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Therapy has been helpful… but now let’s get back to gossiping about my husband and his affair partner and their intentions toward each other and the threat to my marriage.

That’s not your decision to make. You have no control over your husband, this other woman, and whether they do in fact get together eventually or not. 

If it was me, she would be welcome to have him. In fact, I would message her myself and tell her that he is available - she could come and collect him whenever it was convenient for her… I would file for divorce and use my divorce settlement to live happily ever after without the worry of wondering who my husband is fantasizing about and having sex with now…

AMEN.  

[Pumpernickel]

Honestly - I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror every morning knowing what my husband is up to while at the same time pretending to be oblivious and consciously ignoring what my husband is up to. 
 

Whom is this helping? Edith? Her children? No. I don’t think so. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would file for divorce and use my divorce settlement to live happily ever after without the worry of wondering who my husband is fantasizing about, having sex with, and when he’s going to decide to up and leave… because that’s what you are really worried about, isn’t it? 

Sorry, that should actually say…

You WIN here edith by taking control of your own life, telling him that you will not tolerate this kind of disrespect from your husband, and walking away… If you end it first, you take him by surprise and essentially beat him at his own game. The best revenge would be to build a wonderful life for yourself without this cheating fool…

Edited October 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[Indigo Night]

Edith, aren't you tired of this? You've been living a life of deceit, betrayal, infidelity, and dishonesty for decades! 

 

I think on some level you enjoy it, because we else could you possibly Steve hours worrying about it online if you didn't. You get attention, and sympathy for living a life of your choosing. For free! This much therapy would have cost a small fortune!!! 

Whatever works for you, I guess. Good luck in the future. I, for one, am done trying to understand why you stay. More to the point, I'm done trying to respond to you, only to be met with denial and excuses.

I wish you all the best. You should write a book on how to snoop of your husband for decades. It could be a best seller!

 

 

 

 

 

[heartwhole2]

The problem isn't that you can't figure out what she's thinking.

The problem is that your whole sense of security and well-being currently depend on what a stranger is thinking about your husband.

I can't imagine that the stress of worrying that if you don't snoop on your husband 24/7, you will be blindsided by losing him. No one can sustain that constant stress. It's crazy making for sure.

You don't know if you have options beyond "surprise him with divorce" and "accept his shenanigans" because you won't try to see if "have an honest conversation and explain what you need from the marriage" will work. You are choosing not to prioritize your health and sanity and to use the snooping as a band-aid that will never provide you what you really want, need, and deserve.

My husband had an affair 6.5 years ago and yes, that broke our trust, but we have rebuilt it. I don't check up on him because I trust that if something is amiss, I will find out sooner or later. Also, he's grown and changed a lot since then, and even back then he was a bad liar.

I think this is like playing the slot machine for you. You never know when you are going to get a "hit" of making a new discovery that you can puzzle over, so it keeps you coming back for more.

I'm willing to give you my insight on YOU and your options and your choices. I want YOU to be safe and fulfilled. TBH I couldn't care less about when or what your husband texts this OW. That's not the key to getting the feeling of safety that you crave. That's just a self-destructive habit that you can't break because you choose not to assert yourself. I'm not saying this is easy or fair, and I think it's great that you are making progress with your therapist and focusing on your needs. I think that understanding that you are engaged in behaviors that are harming your mental health is important because you will need clear-eyed will power to break those habits.

[AngryGromit]

Wow, these posts have been going on for three years. I'm exhausted just reading about the amount of snooping and detective work to keep an eye on your husband.  And all the while keeping up a cheery front for your kids and him. Giving him sex when ever he wants it, anyway, knowing that he wishes he was in another woman's mouth or between her legs.  If it wasn't for you kids, why would you want put up with his crap? You kids are what 12 and 13 now? Are you going to carry along as if everything is fine for another 6 years that nothing is wrong? Can you mentally handle that?  Perhaps you should confront him and tell him you approve of an open marriage. Just tell him want he be informed who he's with and when. That's gonna be better than sneaking around, wondering who he's with, and who is is talking to. If you not going to leave him for any reason, they you need to make things easier for you own mental health. Get everything out in the open, secrets destroy relationships, maybe if there's no secrets things will get better. Anything's better than another 3, 6 or 10 years of spying on him, stressing over it all the time.      

Edited October 26, 2021 by AngryGromit

[Xerad]

On 8/3/2021 at 3:19 PM, edith said:

How do I neutralize her? His response to pay even more attention after she discloses something serious like a mental disorder of some sort, tells me that he’s more involved than he seems.

It seems her stories about CPSTD and how messed up she is, are designed to appeal to his Knight in Shining Armor tendencies. Her ultimatum about no sex w/o a relationship fell with a thud. She's following the Other Woman's Guide to Poaching a Married Man. I'll make a prediction. She's going to "have a car accident" or a "serious illness with hospital stay" to lure him to come to her. She's tried everything else.

If a man is in love with a woman he'll move mountains to be with her. In this case the reverse seems to be true. She could move a mountain and he just isn't going anywhere.

My best advice is to turn your attention to your shared financial life. Not one person on this board knows what's going to happen, but you have the power to prevent your undeserving H to abscond with the lion's share of your life savings. I know you said you own the business, but could he be siphoning off small amounts or putting his name on the titles of assets? Your financial security is important to your emotional security. I would like to know that you have a ruthless side when it comes to your and your children's financial security. 

[Prudence V]

22 hours ago, Xerad said:

She's following the Other Woman's Guide to Poaching a Married Man.

That’s a thing? What do you reckon the success rate is?

I think, more likely, MW and Mr edith have a thing going where it’s feeding both of their needs for something they feel their marriages are not giving them, whatever that might be (no doubt different in each case). Mr edith and MW have been feeding this for 13+ years, despite distance, despite not seeing each other physically for so long. It’s become addictive for both. Mr edith is prepared to risk his marriage for it, despite it being not even about sex (anymore). MW perhaps too, though it looks more like she’s waiting till the kids are grown to pull the plug on her marriage, perhaps hoping Mr edith will follow. 

But their games and their motivation are secondary. Of primary concern is edith, whose entire life hinges on whether Mr edith responds to the smoke signals from MW or not. And for edith, that can’t be a happy position to be in. She’s not only handed over control of her happiness and her life to her H, but to his AP. 
 

@edith, if you’re still around, please distance yourself from these mind games. Your life is worth so much more. 

 

[Starswillshine]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

That’s a thing? What do you reckon the success rate is

I almost spit out my drink to the previous posters comment about it. . 

 

Because the OW in my case sent texts at least 4 times that she was in the hospital for various things. Broken leg, suicide attempt (a few times). 

Some people are just indeed bat crazy. 

[Xerad]

3 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Because the OW in my case sent texts at least 4 times that she was in the hospital for various things. Broken leg, suicide attempt (a few times). 

Some people are just indeed bat crazy. 

I'm not surprised. It happens so often it's as if they all have the same script.

[lovelychef87]

Some cheaters are cake eaters they want both a marriage and an affair. Why leave when can have both.

[Irock]

THERE IS NO CIRCUMSTANCE I WOULD ALLOW MYSELF TO BE SECOND TO ANOTHER WOMAN..  let my family and friends see what this kind of bullshit is doing to me.. Clearly all the posts that you made are compelling that your mental health is not peachy due to all this..... Making excuses not to get out and live your life and not be disrespected like this making a fool out of you... The money ...split it up.... hes GOT IT TOO GOOD!  If he wants to live like a rock star... he can go.. without the comforts that he is accustomed to.... I hate to say it... its irellevant if theres "love" there.... who cares.... thats not an issue.. make the decision yourself to move on.... dont let whatever hes got going on dictate what your life is going to be

[Indigo Night]

On 11/15/2021 at 9:42 PM, Irock said:

THERE IS NO CIRCUMSTANCE I WOULD ALLOW MYSELF TO BE SECOND TO ANOTHER WOMAN..  let my family and friends see what this kind of bullshit is doing to me.. Clearly all the posts that you made are compelling that your mental health is not peachy due to all this..... Making excuses not to get out and live your life and not be disrespected like this making a fool out of you... The money ...split it up.... hes GOT IT TOO GOOD!  If he wants to live like a rock star... he can go.. without the comforts that he is accustomed to.... I hate to say it... its irellevant if theres "love" there.... who cares.... thats not an issue.. make the decision yourself to move on.... dont let whatever hes got going on dictate what your life is going to be

I imagine many people would agree with you, but she's not going anywhere. Anyone who has put up with his games for 30 years, and tries to justify it, isn't likely to change anytime soon. I wouldn't put up with it either. Without trust, what's the point.

I couldn't spend my days searching in secret to see what my man is up to. Not thanks! I'd rather be single!!

[Irock]

14 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

I imagine many people would agree with you, but she's not going anywhere. Anyone who has put up with his games for 30 years, and tries to justify it, isn't likely to change anytime soon. I wouldn't put up with it either. Without trust, what's the point.

I couldn't spend my days searching in secret to see what my man is up to. Not thanks! I'd rather be single!!

That takes a lot of time and energy.. All negative.. It sucks the life out of you.. Literally... Sometimes I relish the times when I was blissfully unaware.. Of course I know that's not what I would want.. But I was a different.. Happier person

[edith]

I used to post on here in my other thread, the last post is from late last year. That thread was closed, so I’m posting this one. If you’d like to know the background, just click on my name.

 

So my husband has been having an affair for 14 years with the same woman. He is a serial cheater, but with this one, he keeps tabs on her and never lets her go. They have never had sex all the way, only oral a few times, and haven’t seen each other in 9 years.  He doesn’t know that I know, even though I found out 12 years ago.

 

Last year, she deleted him on FB and they had been texting/sexting. A few weeks later, he texted her again and told her he respected and cared about her, but their relationship was physical. She replied by telling him no relationship, no sexting. He didn’t reply. I was relieved, but soon he was in touch with her again, but they only communicate via social media signals - he views her stories (I have access to his FB), she posts for him only.

 

In April of this year, I was keeping track of her and she stopped posting things for him publicly. Then one day she posted “Love acts; it doesn’t sit on the sidelines”, and he immediately sent her a FB friend request! She accepted it. That’s when my turmoil started again. He once again started texting her, and told her “Here’s my number if you ever want to send me a message via WhatsApp. Who knows, maybe you will want to see me again someday.” 

 

Now, this woman has now moved to Florida! We are in the Northeast. She still owns a beach house 3 hours away from us, but spends the whole year now in FL. She replied to him saying he should visit her in FL jokingly, and he replied “Our paths will cross”. What really incensed me is that he didn’t try to talk dirty to her this time, as he usually did. She once again told him no relationship, no sexting, and he is respecting her.

 

But what is really worrying me is that they have started a new routine. He views her story daily, and every morning she posts something just for him, her thoughts and feelings and what’s happening in her life. Yesterday I was in bed and early in the morning, I opened my eyes but he didn’t see it. He was scrolling his phone, and I immediately saw him go to her FB! It was 6:30 am. He hadn’t even gotten up yet. And there he was, checking on her. 

 

It’s been 14 years. I’ve been trying to beat her for 12. Our kids are 14 and 16. Lately she has been talking about waiting until the kids are grown, hers is 14. 

 

I am lost and worried that he is emotionally involved with her. Does this sound like love because of time alone? I know she’s in love with him. What I don’t know is if he’s in love with her.