I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[Chica80]

The real question you want to know is not is she a threat to your marriage. The real question you want to know is, is she a threat to my lifestyle.

 

Because "is she a threat to my marriage" yes that's clear as day. Any third party (whether he loves her doesn't love her, no one knows,) is a threat to the marriage.

 

Is she a threat to your lifestyle. Most likely than not. As long as he can keep both things going and you look the other way. He's not going anywhere. They don't. And if you confront him he will just lie and tell you what you want to hear and they will just go more underground.

[preraph]

I don't like him always trying to help her with good jobs. I have an ex who was kind of that way, and I kind of thought the one he did that the most with must have something on him. Either that, or he's really, really into her. I mean, all his business buddies know where this is coming from, I am certain. That's the good old boys' club for you.

 

Cheating isn't really considered by the courts in divorce cases except in some circumstances to do with child custody. So if you don't have kids still at home, I guess no need to grab all that stuff and save it. But it wouldn't hurt.

 

I don't know what to tell you. You already know there's probably been others. It's your marriage. If you're happy in it knowing he isn't committed in that way but feel he is committed in others, do whatever you can live with best.

 

I bet he'd go ballistic if you had an affair. That's the part that always bothers me. He'd probably never forgive you.

[stillafool]

Yes it seems your husband is in love with her but can't/won't do anything about it yet because he still has young kids and she may also have young kids. Once they go off to school they may decide to divorce and be together. A 10 year affair says they are very much attached to each other. I don't think you have to worry about him leaving any time soon so you have plenty of time to secure your finances and make your plan before he would leave.

[stillafool]

But why, though? Why does everyone keep saying this? There have been break ups but in reality, the sex from what I could count from all the messages only happened on 6 separate occasions over the course of 10 years! I have a really hard time wrapping my head around that making a man infatuated. And it was only oral sex. He always goes back to her but then it never lasts. What in my narrative has made it look like he wants her for more than sex?

To answer another question, if we divorced, we’d be okay. But he wouldn’t be there.

 

Because your husband is not interested in having a til death do us part marriage with you. He would have to stop all contact with this woman (which he can't), show true remorse and want you before any counseling will work. It would be a waste of time and money and your husband knows this. You keep harping on about how much sex they are not having but an emotional bond is far more powerful than a sexual one. The sex is just the icing on the cake. Plus, I doubt a MW with small kids has the freedom to just go out and have sex when she wants to.

[edith]

Something I meant to add to my last post but didn’t have time. I spent a good part of my weekend piecing messages together. It appears that the last time they met for sex was in May 2013!

 

Since then there have been messages of good luck and a few pleasantries when my husband lost his job the following year, in 2013 he offered her a job working for him, she turned it down; in 2015, was when he asked his buddy to give her a job without telling her it was him (my husband) orchestrating it, which from messages between the two of them I see she also turned down; then LinkedIn views throughout the years 2016/2017 for which he saved screenshots with her other messages, then her messages from a LinkedIn account anonymously at first, named “I miss you”, early 2018, but then she confirms it’s her and they start talking again. Then she says she’s moving away for the summer and doesn’t want to see him then have to stop, so he says he’ll wait for her until September.

 

Next are more LinkedIn visits he’s saved from September, October, but no messages - then he reached out to her in November and they’ve started talking again, which I’ve been posting here. A lot of the emotional back and forth and breakups I have are from 2008-2010, when they had sex for the first time after 2 years. A lot of back and forth and another job offer in 2011. A lot of emotional emails in 2012. Later that year they met for sex again and stated meeting up until May 2013, from what I’ve been able to piece together. He has saved all of these for years.

 

SO... They haven’t had sex in 5 years! This is why I saw a message from my husband from a couple weeks ago where he asks “Do you ever think about the past?”. She says “Quite often” and he writes “Me too...” Then he tries to start sex talk and she stops him.

 

This brings us to his reaching out to her again last week. He hasn’t met her for sex in 5 years. Our kids are the same age (10,11), so I know for a fact I’m secure for years. If I can figure out a way to break them up, I can win him back.

[burnt]

Our kids are the same age (10,11), so I know for a fact I’m secure for years.

If I can figure out a way to break them up, I can win him back.

 

This is just so incredibly sad.

 

If one of your kids is a girl, one day when she grows up, would you ever advise her to stay with a husband as yours who'd treat her like garbage?

 

If one of your kids is a boy, one day when he grows up, would you ever advise him to treat his wife as your husband is treating you--like garbage?

[stillafool]

No, you told us all of this info earlier in your thread. I can't believe the sex is still on his mind 5 years later. Most men have short memories when it comes to these things. Your husband has a wife, kids and in 10 years you have not been able to separate them and I doubt you ever will. Her husband might if he knew about it because the OW may still want him. Your husband doesn't care about anything but his kids and this OW.

[Sonnyp]

.Generally, no woman would stay in a long-term affair situation unless there was more than just satisfying a man's sexual needs/desires. Women, in general, aren't wired that way. Haven't met one yet, even though I married one who was definitely into casual sex when not married or in a relationship. The desire was a intimate and complete relationship. Is your H's affair partner a unicorn? IDK.

 

This above I believe to be correct. I am a MOW and there have been many many opportunities for me to have sex with men who are not my husband but I never take up the offer. I always go back to the MM that I have been with because it it about so much more Han sex. As a woman I have found that it is not about sex, it is about a personal connection that I can’t stay away from.

 

Your husband is chasing this woman for a reason. He wants her, maybe because he hasn’t had her yet or maybe because emotionally he feels she is giving him something he is not getting anywhere else.

 

You mentioned OP that there have been many other short term flings yet this is the one that bothers you and it’s not even clear if he has had sex with her. Your gut tells you this one is an issue, that’s why it is bothering you so much. But why haven’t all the other flings bothered you? Is this enough for you?

 

The best thing you can do is say what do you want for you? I know you talk about keeping the kids with the parents and so on but wouldn’t the kids having two separated parents that are happy and giving you the chance to live your life without worrying about the lies and secrets he may be telling you so that you can either live well alone or live well finding new love be a better outcome for you and the kids?

Edited December 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

This brings us to his reaching out to her again last week. He hasn’t met her for sex in 5 years. Our kids are the same age (10,11), so I know for a fact I’m secure for years. If I can figure out a way to break them up, I can win him back.

 

You are proving the old adage to be true, "those who marry for money, earn every single penny..."

 

This is so sad. Who cares who he is sleeping with, as long as your place as his wife is not threatened and your lifestyle is secure for years...

 

As has previously been said, let's think about your children if you are able to consider another perspective than your own. What are you teaching your children? If they were to learn the truth of their parents marriage someday (which they probably will), what will they think...

 

What will your daughter learn about marriage? Will she believe this is all she should expect from a husband - a man who lies to her, cheats on her wih other women, and treats her with disrespect. What will she value in a relationship - love, trust, respect, and fidelity? Or, have you taught her that those things mean nothing, she should disregard all of the above to maintain her standard of living and to present an image to the world of a happy family... Although, the reality is far from the truth. And, at what kind of a personal cost - is it worth the emotional turmoil you experience when you search through his phone and read his messages to another woman?

 

And what of your son, what will he learn about how to treat a woman, a wife, the mother of his children? Will he learn to treat her with kindness, love, and respect or will he learn that his own selfish needs matter more than the stability and security of his family?

 

Edith, you don't get it. You have lost him already. You never really had him. He has turned outside of your marriage with multiple women for years... Sure, your name may be on the mailbox and he may sleep beside you in bed at night, but you do not "have" this man...

 

Why you would want him back is another question entirely...

Edited December 3, 2018 by BaileyB

[diddilybop]

This brings us to his reaching out to her again last week. He hasn’t met her for sex in 5 years. Our kids are the same age (10,11), so I know for a fact I’m secure for years. If I can figure out a way to break them up, I can win him back.

 

while i'm only popping in now, i have read through the thread and your emotional/mental process within it. i have to say, wow, OP. this situation and how you're dealing with it is incredibly and frustratingly sad. why do you want to win him back? why is this such a priority for you when he's clearly treated you terribly. your priority needs to be you and your kids.

 

my father cheated on my mother FOR YEARS, my mom stayed in the marriage because she wanted to "keep the family together", even while he continued to cheat on her - and she totally knew about it too! i also knew about my dad's affairs and i was only 9 years old. i would've rather had my parents get a divorce than to see a sad marriage between my parents and see how much my dad treated my mom like garbage. it really affected me as a kid and well into adulthood. let's just say for a long time, i found myself in very toxic relationships with men.

 

please do your kids (and yourself) a favor, free yourself from this marriage and live a new life while showing your kids that all of you deserve love, trust and respect.

[zouz71]

Dear Op ,

 

 

It's really sad and the amount of stress you are being put in is huge .

 

 

Your husband is a cheater , and seems that he did it from the begining .

 

 

however ,let's analyze more deeper the situation , and more important the actions that should be taken .

 

 

Is your marriage a traditional one ? started just as a best fit scenario and to build a family ?

 

 

Such marriages are common also and encouraged in some cultures , where the man is the bread winner even if his wife works , while she enjoys a bit of luxuary like having a maid , not worrying about any financial obligation is her lifestyle it becomes a trend that she ignores over the years the man hidden infidelity as she becomes totally dependent on him since years .

 

 

 

 

In some cultures and religions , polygomy is avail even , so when he becomes 45-50, he would marry another woman for fun , sometimes keeping both ...

 

 

I am not defending those marriages , i am just stating facts .

 

 

YOUR HUSBAND IS A CHEATER, OR BECAME ONE ,

[zouz71]

THE important now is that , like I said before, you need to do one of 3 things :

 

 

-1 Soak it up and ignore it, but start putting boundaries .

-2 Blow it up and get a divorce .

-3 reconcile with him and push for MC .

 

 

 

 

1 is not possible because you are hurt ,

 

 

is 2 possible ? , i doubt because it seems you cant take responsibility of kids .

 

 

Don't count on legal to secure your/kids need .

 

 

If you want to go for 2nd choice you have a lot to prepare to fight him with .

 

 

3 is the best to start with , rather than blowing the whole thing , give it a try , show him your power of wisdom .

 

 

choose a person he respects(his relative , his ideal , etc) , invite that person to dinner , alone , and while the three of you only on table , let them open the covered plate and see all evidences , and with a cold blood

 

tell him two words , I know everything about you , but i am staying with this family and even with a cheater because vows , respect and values are very important to me .

 

 

 

and threaten him that his kids will hate him , train yourself to destroy him emotionally with a cold blood, look at his face , and tell him your kids will hate you , etc

 

 

but never ever use the kids to deliver any message .

 

 

 

 

The above will be a gate to start MC with guilt feeling .

 

 

The key success is to deal with it with passive aggressive approach

Edited December 4, 2018 by zouz71

[pepperbird]

threaten him that his kids will hate him , train yourself to destroy him emotionally with a cold blood, look at his face , and tell him your kids will hate you , etc

The above will be a gate to start MC with guilt feeling .

 

The key success is to deal with it with passive aggressive approach

 

 

op,

 

 

please, please, please do not do this. don't use your kids this way.

[zouz71]

op,

 

 

please, please, please do not do this. don't use your kids this way.

 

 

" but never ever use the kids to deliver any message ".

 

 

 

 

she shouldn't use them ,

 

 

 

but he has to understand that when he is messing up with vows , he is messing the whole family , not just her .

[pepperbird]

" but never ever use the kids to deliver any message ".

 

 

 

 

she shouldn't use them ,

 

 

 

but he has to understand that when he is messing up with vows , he is messing the whole family , not just her .

 

 

That's the thing. Unless he's a fool, he already knows this and simply doesn't care. If he doesn't already realize this, then he's one self absorbed SOB.

[edith]

Wow, a lot of perspectives. I appreciate most of your words, especially about the kids. But I honestly believe I can stay with him through this and the kids will be better off. This is not out in the open, and hopefully IF the kids find out they will be old enough to understand why affairs happen.

 

I’m staying put for now.

 

Nothing between them since last week. He has done this before, where he will not contact her then go back as if he’s feeling remorseful a d was having second thoughts about the affair, as if he’s not used to having affairs! Even knowing this, and the wealth of information I have from their hundreds of messages over 10 years, I continue to hope that this is proof that he doesn’t care about her.

 

I went to his Facebook and her profile is the first one that pops up in the newsfeed. No messages on Messenger other than the one last week after they connected.

 

I believe that I can beat this. You guys have no idea how helpful it is to read all of your perspectives, even when they disagree with mine. Yes, I want to hang on to my husband- not because I married him for money (we had nothing and have worked for everything TOGETHER), or for financial security, but because I truly love him. He’s the love of my life.

 

I don’t know what this other woman is, but she’s not taking my husband.

[BaileyB]

I’m staying put for now.

 

I believe that I can beat this. I want to hang on to my husband- because I truly love him. He’s the love of my life.

 

She’s not taking my husband.

 

In this case, there is not much more to be said...

 

It’s hard to say, but I don’t actually feel sad for you because you are choosing this life for yourself. I feel very badly for your children - it’s going to be a hard day for them when they learn the truth about their parents marriage and the family life they “thought” they had... For you to say, “If the kids find out, they will be old enough to understand why affairs happen...” shows about as little insight as your comment that you should expect your husband to have sex with other women because he is good looking. It’s not likely “if,” but “when” they find out... and if you think your children will have the maturity to understand and accept why their father has treated their mother so disrespectfully and why she has allowed it for so many years... well, I’m not sure how anybody could be prepared to learn and accept that. If your children have any kind of moral compass then you are likely to be sadly disappointed.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited December 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

In this case, there is not much more to be said...

 

It’s hard to say, but I don’t actually feel sad for you because you are choosing this life for yourself. I feel very badly for your children - it’s going to be a hard day for them when they learn the truth about their parents marriage and the family life they “thought” they had... For you to say, “If the kids find out, they will be old enough to understand why affairs happen...” shows about as little insight as your comment that you should expect your husband to have sex with other women because he is good looking. It’s not likely “if,” but “when” they find out... and if you think your children will have the maturity to understand and accept why their father has treated their mother so disrespectfully and why she has allowed it for so many years... well, I’m not sure how anybody could be prepared to learn and accept that. If your children have any kind of moral compass then you are likely to be sadly disappointed.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I agree with the above. I don't feel sorry for you either as you are determined to fit a square peg in a round hole. Your husband may be the love of your life but you are not the love of his life. I guess that is okay with you as long as you keep your lifestyle. If you are really staying for your kids you could do them a favor and stop snooping on their father so at least you can say you didn't know this was going on when they ask you one day. It's sad when desperate women use their kids as an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship.

[bathtub-row]

In this case, there is not much more to be said...

 

It’s hard to say, but I don’t actually feel sad for you because you are choosing this life for yourself. I feel very badly for your children - it’s going to be a hard day for them when they learn the truth about their parents marriage and the family life they “thought” they had... For you to say, “If the kids find out, they will be old enough to understand why affairs happen...” shows about as little insight as your comment that you should expect your husband to have sex with other women because he is good looking. It’s not likely “if,” but “when” they find out... and if you think your children will have the maturity to understand and accept why their father has treated their mother so disrespectfully and why she has allowed it for so many years... well, I’m not sure how anybody could be prepared to learn and accept that. If your children have any kind of moral compass then you are likely to be sadly disappointed.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I think the lesson her children will learn is to marry someone ugly because good looking people can’t be expected to remain faithful. And my guess is that they already know daddy’s a cheater.

[BaileyB]

And my guess is that they already know daddy’s a cheater.

 

Also my guess. And if they don’t know now, they are likely to learn the truth before they reach adulthood when as OP believes, they will be “old enough to understand that these things happen sometimes...”

[S2B]

Edith, do you work full time?

 

Can you support yourself?

[edith]

My husband and I own a business together. It was started after our marriage, so a divorce and division of assets would be a complete nightmare. And I don’t even want to get into a custody battle. Not to mention the fact that I don’t want a divorce.

 

All I want to know is if my husband is in love with another woman. People on this board haven’t given me proof that he is, and I don’t want to blow his relationship with her out of proportion. She’s just another floozy he’s hoping to bang on the side and not worth my marriage, our business, my life and my kids’ lives.

 

My posts don’t show it but I am heartbroken over even the prospect that what he has with her is serious. But at the same time... He has stayed put for 10 years, has he not?

[FMW]

No one here can possibly tell you whether or not your husband is in love with another woman, only make conjectures based on what you tell us.

 

Honestly I don't know that your husband could tell you for sure whether or not he's in love with this woman, he sounds like he's been messed up for a really long time. And you've allowed him to stay with you so he has no reason to try and figure it out.

 

So if you don't want to divorce and he's not going anywhere then it looks like this is how things are going to be. You'll never be sure. That comes with your choice to stay married.

[elaine567]

My husband and I own a business together.

... He has stayed put for 10 years, has he not?

 

 

These two things could be connected no?

[Chica80]

My husband and I own a business together. It was started after our marriage, so a divorce and division of assets would be a complete nightmare. And I don’t even want to get into a custody battle. Not to mention the fact that I don’t want a divorce.

 

All I want to know is if my husband is in love with another woman. People on this board haven’t given me proof that he is, and I don’t want to blow his relationship with her out of proportion. She’s just another floozy he’s hoping to bang on the side and not worth my marriage, our business, my life and my kids’ lives.

 

My posts don’t show it but I am heartbroken over even the prospect that what he has with her is serious. But at the same time... He has stayed put for 10 years, has he not?

 

You own a business together...divorce and custody battles are a nightmare. Men know this. No one wants to go through that. Why would he have to when you look the other way and allow him to cheat?

 

No one can tell you if he is in love with her. Only he knows that. What you do know...this has been going on for 10 years! You call her a floozy but they've never had sex. According to you.

He went out of his way to help her. That shows he cares for her about her. Wants to help her.....so if he's not getting sex in return why do you think he is helping her then?

 

Stop reading his post. Stop looking at their exchanges because you aren't going anywhere.

He doesn't want a divorce that would be a nightmare as you yourself have stated. You can choose to tell yourself whatever it is you need to believe to stay.

 

Because if you blow things up. He will lie to you and go underground.

 

PS. People aren't property. You can't "steal" someone away. People go where they want to go.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Sunshinechica