I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[elaine567]

Who is this woman?

 

 

Is she rich or poor?

How did they meet?

Does she have a business too?

[S2B]

Safe to say if he's been seeing her for ten years while married to

You - yes, he loves her.

 

He's done it because you allow it... and mainly because he's greedy and loves himself more than either of you two.

 

 

He's selfish and self centered! I'd leave the business the same and still divorce him knowing full well I deserve better than a man who never honored the vows he took with me... but that's just me.

[edith]

What I know about the woman isn’t much. She and my husband worked together - she started about a month after he did. He was a director, she was an assistant, I think. I remember meeting her because she and my husband flirted a lot during a work party I was invited to. About two weeks after the party, I got pregnant with my second son. One month after that, my husband told me this woman was pregnant with her first. I remember this well because he would always make comments about how she was so put together at work and even keeled, no one would know she was pregnant! As opposed to me, with my hormones raging. I remember that conversation as if it were yesterday.

 

Back then he hadn’t joined me in the business, so he was in corporate America and I didn’t have the amount of control/exposure to his work life that I have now. I went to his work once taking my first son, then a baby, to see her reaction. My husband wouldn’t stop staring at her, as if trying to read her reaction. I was jealous of her back then but was relieved when she left the company to have her child, which I found on social media because my husband all of a sudden went mute. I should have known.

 

Fast forward to when I found more than 500 emails of the beginning of their relationship. SHE came on to him online, first as a secret admirer, after she left the company and had her child. My second baby was 3 months old when this happened - hers wasn’t much older from the math I’ve done! As soon as she told him who she was in messages, the affair blossomed. I can’t know if they truly didn’t meet back then, but from messages I’ve read, it took them 2 years to meet for sex. Some of the messages were close together, then they’d break up and start talking months later when my husband reached out. I’ve read more than 1,000 messages - she only reached out to him after a break up twice.

 

From what I could piece together, she’s upper middle class. Doesn’t work now, husband has a high paying job, which I also found out online from his title. I know who he is, and could blow this up very easily if I wanted to. I also met him at that work party but I’m sure he wouldn’t remember me.

 

From what I could piece together from messages, she went back to work sometime after her son started school and that’s where all the job offers from my husband started happening. This was a few years ago. He joined me in the business full-time after losing his job, even though he was always involved in it somewhat - we just needed a steady paycheck so his corporate job provided it.

 

This is all I know, unless I’m forgetting something.

 

And I will always call her a floozy even though from their messages they haven’t had full blown sex - she went after my husband with a vengeance after they stopped working together. None of this would have been an issue if she had stayed where she belonged - out of my marriage.

Edited December 5, 2018 by edith

[BaileyB]

It's very likely that your husband shares your same perspective - a divorce would be a nightmare, with the division of assets and custody of the children.

 

He has found his way to cope by engaging in a series of extramarital affairs, just as you have found your way to cope - denial, denial, denial...

 

Perhaps, the primary reason why he has stayed in his marriage is because his OW is also married and unwilling to divorce. If that changed tomorrow, you may well find yourself in a different situation. Or - if not this woman, he could meet another tomorrow and fall head over heels in love... And again, you would find yourself in a very different situation.

 

Does he love her? Only he can tell you that. Sure, you may well feel secure now and it is possible that he may not go anywhere, as he too stands to lose a lot if you were to divorce. But then again, he could leave you tomorrow for another woman... you would be unwise to trust someone who has proven themselves to be untrustworthy. As such, your marriage is built in a house of cards, of which you have little to no control over the future. It's a tough spot to be.

[BaileyB]

None of this would have been an issue if she had stayed where she belonged - out of my marriage.

 

Not to mention the other women, who have trespassed in your marriage.

 

But here's the thing, you are placing your blame on the wrong person. Sure, she has inserted herself in your marriage and she is responsible for that poor decision... But, the person who has truly threatened your marriage is your darling husband - the man you are willing to fight to keep, the man you have professed to love so dearly... He is the person doing the chasing, the person having sex with other women, the person who should have shut this down but rather, continues to text her and invite her into your marriage and into your life.

 

The enemy to your marriage is not this other woman, but your husband.

Edited December 5, 2018 by BaileyB

[zouz71]

I agree with the above. I don't feel sorry for you either as you are determined to fit a square peg in a round hole. Your husband may be the love of your life but you are not the love of his life. I guess that is okay with you as long as you keep your lifestyle. If you are really staying for your kids you could do them a favor and stop snooping on their father so at least you can say you didn't know this was going on when they ask you one day. It's sad when desperate women use their kids as an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship.

 

 

Stillafool , I was thinking like you , until I analyzed more the whole thing , and you can't be on her shoes, do you have kids and been in similar situations ?

[zouz71]

Edith ,

 

 

 

-You love your husband ,-You have a great family .

 

 

-he cheated on you many times ....

 

 

you were affected much recently because in opposite to previous cheats , this one was a long lasting emotional affair .

 

 

 

 

 

The option #3 I told you about is to work more on fixing your marriage ,

 

 

I find you very wise and exceptional woman with the approach your are following .

 

 

It is nor worth destroying a whole family because of such mistakes , they are huge yet they are not worth it ...

[zouz71]

I advise you to just look at things now and ask yourself the following questions :

 

 

 

 

-Suppose or imagine you can support your kids financially , Will u be happier if u get a divorce , can i restart my life with a new men ?

 

 

 

 

 

-Are you attached to kids, or would be fine if they live with their father for some periods ?

 

 

-is he a good man in heart ?

 

-are you a passive aggressive person or retro who will use always the past betrayals to punish him and make him feel guilty all the time?

 

 

if you want to forgive , and you have no other plans , it is time to work on fixing your marriage which is partially torn right now .

 

Every man will become old , every woman will have wrinkles , we also becomes less potent ....

 

Stop sneaking all the time , do it periodically once in a blue moon , and don't confront him now ....

 

 

once you confront him you loose the weapon of knowing whats happening ....

 

 

I am surprised that you are able to watch him and access all his accounts ,

 

but from now on calm down and concentrate on fixing your marriage , once you fix it completly , the other lady will just be as any lady among the thousands he see in the road.

 

 

let's now concentrate on your marriage , your daily life with him ,

 

your sexual life .

 

 

WHAT IS WRONG OR WHAT CAN BE BETTER IN YOUR DAILY LIFE ?

 

 

YOUR SEXUAL LIFE, COULD IT BE ENHANCED ?

 

 

START BY GIVING HIM MORE DAILY ATTENTION , LIKE TAKING MORE CARE WHEN HE COMES BACK HOME , MAKE HIM FEEL GUILTY BY TREATING HIM GOOD.

 

 

and start analyzing to decide on next step , because if you know how to do things , he will collapse .

[Amethyst68]

The thing is you've given your husband carte blanche to cheat (even if he doesn't know it) so you shouldn't really fixate on this one woman.

 

What I mean is you should worry about the next woman he actually meets or the next. They could be the person he magically 'catches feelings' for in fantasy fun AP land.

 

I'm curious, is this what you're going to teach your children? If they're good-looking that they're allowed to cheat on their partners or God help me if they turn out to be on the plain side that this is something they have to put up with to get an attractive partner?

[elaine567]

He joined me in the business full-time after losing his job, even though he was always involved in it somewhat - we just needed a steady paycheck so his corporate job provided it.

 

 

Ok so essentially he became unemployed and thus now only works for your business.

So both she and he now rely on their spouses for their money, but both are betraying the goose that lays the golden eggs...

Nice!

[elaine567]

WHAT IS WRONG OR WHAT CAN BE BETTER IN YOUR DAILY LIFE ?

 

YOUR SEXUAL LIFE, COULD IT BE ENHANCED ?

 

START BY GIVING HIM MORE DAILY ATTENTION , LIKE TAKING MORE CARE WHEN HE COMES BACK HOME , MAKE HIM FEEL GUILTY BY TREATING HIM GOOD.

My guess is that she could be giving him porn style sex hourly and he would still cheat.

Yes some men cheat to get some sex but more often it is about extra sex, variety, the thrill of the chase, about being "da man" with multiple women in tow.... His wife cannot provide that.

It is easy to blame the betrayed spouse for a cheating man, but the "blame" is usually on the cheater themselves.

 

It can also be about a whole lot of other things that have nothing to do with sex at all.

It can be about power and control and resentment...

[zouz71]

Ok so essentially he became unemployed and thus now only works for your business.

So both she and he now rely on their spouses for their money, but both are betraying the goose that lays the golden eggs...

Nice!

 

 

It seems they both invested in making that business grow, so from financial part they both are depandant on each other .

 

 

betrayal is awful, like a cancer , the difference is that you don't choose to have cancer, while one choose to cheat .

 

 

 

 

the point is that destruction of a family is also a selfish choice ,

 

 

 

would stand with your side elaine , if she raised hell on him from first incidance , now that the situation is as she described , she needs to choose if it is worth destroying the castle .

 

 

 

 

All what is being said , is making her feeling guilty about the carte blanche , rather , she should make him feel guilty.

 

 

She can give that marriage one more try , because it is worth it for her , she seemed happy except worried about the new woman existance , that is not avail really for him .

 

 

I suggested that she can be good to him and start putting boundaries without flipping the table , she still able to validate his honesty , if she confront him , she will loose that weapon too.

 

 

if she do it in as smart way and he prooves worth the trust by quitting that lady without even direct pressure , he is worth it , the family is worth it , her lifestyle is worth it ,

 

if he doesn't , she has to prepare herself first by securing more the financial investment she has, by making sure that he will grant her more than half of the business...

 

 

 

 

IMO A smart , wise women will do that , otherwise if naiive will loose her kids , money , and everything ...

 

 

I have a feeling that they come also from a culture where divorce is almost forbidden .

 

 

 

 

Edith , if you opt to confront , follow the dinner invite i told you about , there should be at least one person or relative in his life that will make him feel very bad about what he had done .

 

 

IMO I see you still full of love , a nonselfish person,

you deserve the best .

[elaine567]

It seems they both invested in making that business grow, so from financial part they both are depandant on each other ..

 

 

 

To clarify the "he and she" I refer to is the husband and his OW. Both are sticking in there I guess as they NEED their spouses to provide them with a living.

[zouz71]

To clarify the "he and she" I refer to is the husband and his OW. Both are sticking in there I guess as they NEED their spouses to provide them with a living.

 

 

From my side elain I meant Jack and edith , not the OW, I meant that it seems that they worked both on making the business a success..

 

 

So it will be very hard to split financial the business without destroying it .

[elaine567]

From my side elain I meant Jack and edith , not the OW, I meant that it seems that they worked both on making the business a success..

 

 

So it will be very hard to split financial the business without destroying it .

 

 

Of course but there is I guess a limit to edith's acceptance of

this chronic cheating by her husband. There is a mental toll here to be taken into consideration.

She is "heartbroken" and in a constant state of fear and dread. Will this OW, or one she may not even know about yet be the one that blows up her marriage?

Men rarely leave long term marriages but one reason they do leave is for an OW who will not take no for an answer, or for an OW who is seen as of greater value than what he is leaving behind.

 

How can edith live indefinitely with this uncertainty, without it taking a huge toll on her mental and physical health?

[zouz71]

My guess is that she could be giving him porn style sex hourly and he would still cheat.

Yes some men cheat to get some sex but more often it is about extra sex, variety, the thrill of the chase, about being "da man" with multiple women in tow.... His wife cannot provide that.

It is easy to blame the betrayed spouse for a cheating man, but the "blame" is usually on the cheater themselves.

 

It can also be about a whole lot of other things that have nothing to do with sex at all.

It can be about power and control and resentment...

Since it is a guess, then she needs to try if she can to see what happens if she changes, if he still talk to that woman , then there would be no guess and answers would be clear .changing doesn't mean she is wrong now , it means she is ready to adapt in a different way to expect results.

It is not about sex always , Small things sometimes makes a difference ,

Only her ,knows if there is really a room of improvement,

The point is when and if she is done and want to flip the table , she would be more confident , because as we all notice , Edith is still in denial phase.

[edith]

My husband just contacted the woman again.

 

I was able to get to his phone and she had posted something about being st the gym, then another post that every week her husband takes her on a lunch date and she was on one right then. One hour later, I saw an email from my husband to her. He sent two, saying hi and how was she doing... It takes her a while to reply but then he starts talking dirty talking about how much he misses her mouth and how he used to **** it, she says she thinks he misses how much she loved it when he did. He writes “I do...” and keeps telling her how much he misses her and the sex. She goes along with it then says she has to leave, he immediately asks when can he see her. She says sometime next week but she’ll let him know tonight.

 

I don’t want him to go see her, I think it could derail everything. I need to make some decisions. I’m so hurt by how much he said he misses her and needs to see her. IT’S BEEN 5 YEARS.Now he wants to see her again.

 

He told her he was home alone... which he wasn’t. I don’t know why he would say that.

[Crazelnut]

Not sure why we have so many pages in this thread. OP refuses to leave the marriage or confront her cheating husband, so her only option is to suck it up. She must find a way to live with the situation as it is. She will never know why he is emotionally and sometimes physically cheating with this OW. She needs to let it go. Full stop.

[diddilybop]

Not sure why we have so many pages in this thread. OP refuses to leave the marriage or confront her cheating husband, so her only option is to suck it up.

 

yeah, there's only so much advice one can give to OP. if what your describing is true (to suck it up), then that's incredibly unfortunate. i hope their children will be ok, it's really unfair that their well-being isn't being considered.

Edited December 5, 2018 by diddilybop

[zouz71]

Edith, sorry for what u r going through The hard part will get tougher ,

Do u want to take some actions now ?

Do you want the ow image to deteriorate in fron of your hubby ?

Send me a pm I have a great idea,

[BaileyB]

My husband just contacted the woman again.

 

I was able to get to his phone and she had posted something about being st the gym, then another post that every week her husband takes her on a lunch date and she was on one right then. One hour later, I saw an email from my husband to her. He sent two, saying hi and how was she doing... It takes her a while to reply but then he starts talking dirty talking about how much he misses her mouth and how he used to **** it, she says she thinks he misses how much she loved it when he did. He writes “I do...” and keeps telling her how much he misses her and the sex. She goes along with it then says she has to leave, he immediately asks when can he see her. She says sometime next week but she’ll let him know tonight.

 

I don’t want him to go see her, I think it could derail everything. I need to make some decisions. I’m so hurt by how much he said he misses her and needs to see her. IT’S BEEN 5 YEARS.Now he wants to see her again.

 

He told her he was home alone... which he wasn’t. I don’t know why he would say that.

 

Based on what you have written, I find it very difficult to believe it has been five years. Those discussions are words shared between lovers who are well known to each other...

[elaine567]

Based on what you have written, I find it very difficult to believe it has been five years. Those discussions are words shared between lovers who are well known to each other...

 

 

That is my interpretation too.

They probably communicate properly by phone, Skype, other secret email account or an app you have no access to, or they simply meet regularly.

"I am home alone" may be code.

[edith]

There are more messages. They do mention they haven’t seen each other in 5 years, which had come up in others before. They’re trying to meet next Wednesday. She said she could only do evenings, my husband said he has basketball practice with our boys almost every night (true), she says “that’s too bad!”, so he tells her he will figure it out and see her next Wednesday when she wants it. Now, if I do confront him, there’s no way in hell he’s making that date.

 

The messages just got worse. He kept asking about her fantasies and she’d tell him, he’d say that’s exactly what he dreams of, they keep talking about sex and he says “You are my dirty girl” and she writes “And I will always be”. He gets very graphic in his descriptions of what he wants to do with her, she keeps talking about the oral sex, and then she says he’s dirty, but that she likes how they don’t have a lot of commitment and doesn’t want things to get serious. He took a while to reply and wrote “Perfect”. After she said she had to go he said “This is our secret...” and she wrote “Always. I have too much to lose.”

 

Here is my question in the midst of my heartbreak: can this be ONLY sexual feelings? Like, he’s sexually obsessed with her and that’s where his feelings end. It bothered me that he didn’t email her earlier today until after he saw her post about being on a date with her husband. I understand I keep asking this but in light of these new, or renewed messages, very much like the ones very early on in their affair that I’ve read, this sounds like a sexual affair only? Am I blind? Or keeping my head on straight? I can’t even see myself confronting him until this question is settled in my mind. I wouldn’t know how.

[BTDT2012]

Your cheating husband is the only one who can clarify his feelings.

[BaileyB]

Again, it is really strange for them to be sending those kind of very intimate, sexual texts to each other if they haven’t talked, seen each other, or been intimate in five years.

 

I’m not buying it. Not at all.