I'm Edith and my husband has been cheating for 14 years - UPDATE

[elaine567]

Is your husband ever abusive?

[zouz71]

Is your husband ever abusive?

 

very good question , because you have to careful , he might hurt you if things escalates

edith , you need to collect evidences , and onstall a camera in the house , where u sit facing it at evry occasion u talk

[BaileyB]

edith , you need to collect evidences , and onstall a camera in the house , where u sit facing it at evry occasion u talk

 

With all due respect to those who say edith should hire an investigator and collect evidence... how much more evidence do you think this woman needs to convince her that she has an adulterous husband? Even edith doesn’t dispute the fact that he has been lying and cheating on her with numerous women for years. Seriously, with what she knows she would be very justified if she chose to leave the marriage tomorrow...

 

Hiring an investigator, putting a camera in the home, even continuing to monitor his phone is rather inconsequential at this point... there is nothing new to be gained, it would be a waste of time and money.

[zouz71]

With all due respect to those who say edith should hire an investigator and collect evidence... how much more evidence do you think this woman needs to convince her that she has an adulterous husband? Even edith doesn’t dispute the fact that he has been lying and cheating on her with numerous women for years. Seriously, with what she knows she would be very justified if she chose to leave the marriage tomorrow...

 

Hiring an investigator, putting a camera in the home, even continuing to monitor his phone is rather inconsequential at this point... there is nothing new to be gained, it would be a waste of time and money.

 

 

She knows and convinced that he is cheating , however she doesn't accept the facts .

 

 

The evidences are not for her , they are to be used in the future in her case , if adultery is convicted in a marriage in her state , otehrwise if she needs to expose the OW she will be able to do so on a strong base.

 

 

private investigators are expensive , tools are not .

 

 

best

[edith]

No, he’s not abusive. I hadn’t considered the consequences of telling him I know everything, but I don’t feel I’d be in danger. Thank you very much for all the input. I’m trying to make this work with the feelings of dread, hurt and anger that come over me without warning. Today is the day and I can barely look at him. He knows something is wrong, but not what. I’m not a good enough writer to convey how much it hurts me not only that he feels the need to step out of our marriage, but that on top of that, he has feelings for her. I’m seriously considering letting it all go and no longer monitoring him. This has taken a toll on my mental health and the stress of this affair has me ready to give up.

[stillafool]

No, he’s not abusive. I hadn’t considered the consequences of telling him I know everything, but I don’t feel I’d be in danger. Thank you very much for all the input. I’m trying to make this work with the feelings of dread, hurt and anger that come over me without warning. Today is the day and I can barely look at him. He knows something is wrong, but not what. I’m not a good enough writer to convey how much it hurts me not only that he feels the need to step out of our marriage, but that on top of that, he has feelings for her. I’m seriously considering letting it all go and no longer monitoring him. This has taken a toll on my mental health and the stress of this affair has me ready to give up.

 

I really feel that would be the best thing for your emotional health since you are going to stay with him. No use upsetting yourself on a daily basis.

[zouz71]

No, he’s not abusive. I hadn’t considered the consequences of telling him I know everything, but I don’t feel I’d be in danger. Thank you very much for all the input. I’m trying to make this work with the feelings of dread, hurt and anger that come over me without warning. Today is the day and I can barely look at him. He knows something is wrong, but not what. I’m not a good enough writer to convey how much it hurts me not only that he feels the need to step out of our marriage, but that on top of that, he has feelings for her. I’m seriously considering letting it all go and no longer monitoring him. This has taken a toll on my mental health and the stress of this affair has me ready to give up.

 

 

I am really sorry for what you are going through ,

 

 

 

I do understand as apposed to some others what keeps you in this marriage ;

 

it is not just wealth , you consider that even with this it is not worth destroying a family ...

 

 

I advise you dear , not to burry your feelings , do one thing today :

 

 

-just at the time of the supposed date , send him a message :

 

 

"I don't know why but i feel you are distant now , in another world , I love you but have a gut feeling that something is taking you away, from my love for you , from your family ,whatever it is , don't let it destroy the lovely family you have , it is not worth it ."

[zouz71]

let's see if this changes his mind , or make him feel guilty .

if it doesn't ... he is not worth your emotions at all even if you decide to stay in this rotten marriage.

[elaine567]

What excuse has he made to you for going out and meeting this woman today? Should he not be at work, at home?

[Amethyst68]

Are you truly going to sit back passively and let your husband go and have sex with another woman while you do nothing to prevent it?

 

What happens after? Will you be able to go on having sex with him? What if his exploits today leave him so turned on he reaches for you tonight?

 

Look it's obvious you're not looking to leave your marriage, this is the most circular thread I've seen in a long time but you should at least make your husband aware that his actions have consequences.

 

As I mentioned before be careful what you're teaching your children is acceptable behavior. You may think they are unaware of what's going on but there are numerous stories on this and other forums where the children have actually known a great deal if not all of what is going on. Especially these days when kids are often more tech savvy than their parents!

[edith]

You guys are not going to believe what happened. SHE CANCELLED ON HIM.

 

I saw he was in an awful mood this morning, which is not like him. He’d told me he’d be going out for drinks with friends tonight. I asked him about it and he said he changed his mind.

 

I was itching to find some time to check his messages. I finally did and she’s sent one saying this:

 

“I can’t see you tonight. I’m sorry. I will try to change my mind and maybe we’ll be able to see each other at some point. I just don’t have the courage right now.”

 

It took him a few minutes to reply and he just wrote “Ok. No worries.”

 

Now he’s in a foul mood and I’m happier than I imagined! Maybe nothing will come from this. There’s a part of me happy to see him moping around, but I also know what this means. I thought it was interesting that he didn’t complain to her or anything. What does this mean? Maybe he doesn’t care as much as I thought?

 

This is the best news I’ve gotten in a while.

[carhill]

If it didn't matter to him he wouldn't be in a foul mood over a cancellation. With friends, people cancel all the time no biggie.

 

Accept that it matters to him and move on with the M.

[Amethyst68]

He didn't argue because he didn't want to upset her, he still wants to meet up with her in the future and doesn't want to do anything that will impact that.

 

If he didn't care he wouldn't be in a foul mood, he'd just accept it and move on. Nothing we say is going to change your mind, you've got a severe case of tunnel vision when it comes to this relationship.....

[elaine567]

If he was indifferent or in a good mood due to the cancellation that would indicate he didn't care or he was relieved the meet wasn't going to happen.

The fact he is in a foul mood, means he is disappointed and upset things didn't go the way he wanted them to go.

 

 

No meet up = good, as far as you are concerned.

Foul mood = bad, as far as you are concerned

[stillafool]

He didn't have time to tell her how he really felt because he didn't want to get caught writing back a long text. He'll discuss it with her later - via phone.

[BaileyB]

Now he’s in a foul mood and I’m happier than I imagined! Maybe nothing will come from this. There’s a part of me happy to see him moping around, but I also know what this means. I thought it was interesting that he didn’t complain to her or anything. What does this mean? Maybe he doesn’t care as much as I thought?

 

This is the best news I’ve gotten in a while.

 

What does this mean? Your husband was planning to have sex with another woman tonight and the only reason why it is not happening is because SHE had a crisis of confidence and backed out.

 

That is not good news for you. If not this woman, it will be another. Your husband did not tell this woman that he loved his wife and decided that he couldn’t betray her in this way... you are a fool to think that this is good news.

 

But hey, go right ahead and put your head back in the sand...

[edith]

All valid points. What do you guys think it means that she backed out? Guilt? So this probably means she loves her husband and not mine. This is good news, in my view. I do see how backing out didn’t come from him, but if anyone knew how rotten I was feeling before, what I’m feeling now is relief. Because IF he is in love with her, her backing out will probably affect how he feels about her.

[TaserTag]

I do not think that your husband is in love with this other woman, you, or anyone. He's lying to everyone and just looking for sex and excitement wherever he can find it. He's looking for the ego boost of 'being wanted sexually.' He needs that validation for whatever sad reason. And that has nothing to do with love. The other woman does not love your husband either (she does not even really know him), and is probably also just looking for an extra ego boost and some excitement. Your husband lies to her, at the least, about you and his home life, so the other woman does not even know who he really is.

 

It does not really matter why the other woman backed out. It's possible that she gets all of her fulfillment and excitement by stringing your husband along through emails and such. Maybe that's enough of an ego stroke for her. I doubt that she loves her own husband, with the way that she is carrying on with your husband. Your husband and the other woman just seem like bored people looking for some excitement.

 

You seem fine with your husband's other affairs, and if you are okay with him sleeping with other people, then I really don't think that you need to worry about this other woman either. They are using each other to feed their own egos and to feel excitement on the side. I don't see anything particularly special here. He keeps trying to sleep with her, she backs out a lot, they flirt on email and lie to each other about how great they are... he's probably chasing her because she keeps backing off and he needs to have her to validate himself. I don't think that's love at all.

[elaine567]

WE have no idea what your husbands feelings are for this woman.

Is she the love of his life and he has spent 10 years chasing her or is she just a fall back women he uses for sex when he is going through a dry spell...

Only he knows that.

 

Also we have no idea as to where his mind is at.

Is he in this marriage for life, or is he just treading water till he gets a better offer or he can pluck up the courage to leave...

All very well to quote statistics or experiences gleaned from forums, but everyone is an individual, we have no idea what this man has planned for his life.

Some men leave for other women, some men leave to explore new frontiers, some men leave as they are in mental turmoil, some men leave as they are feeling smothered and trapped, some men leave to find themselves...

To say men never leave is perhaps lulling the OP into a false sense of security...

[georgia girl]

I do not think that your husband is in love with this other woman, you, or anyone. He's lying to everyone and just looking for sex and excitement wherever he can find it. He's looking for the ego boost of 'being wanted sexually.' He needs that validation for whatever sad reason. And that has nothing to do with love. The other woman does not love your husband either (she does not even really know him), and is probably also just looking for an extra ego boost and some excitement. Your husband lies to her, at the least, about you and his home life, so the other woman does not even know who he really is.

 

It does not really matter why the other woman backed out. It's possible that she gets all of her fulfillment and excitement by stringing your husband along through emails and such. Maybe that's enough of an ego stroke for her. I doubt that she loves her own husband, with the way that she is carrying on with your husband. Your husband and the other woman just seem like bored people looking for some excitement.

 

You seem fine with your husband's other affairs, and if you are okay with him sleeping with other people, then I really don't think that you need to worry about this other woman either. They are using each other to feed their own egos and to feel excitement on the side. I don't see anything particularly special here. He keeps trying to sleep with her, she backs out a lot, they flirt on email and lie to each other about how great they are... he's probably chasing her because she keeps backing off and he needs to have her to validate himself. I don't think that's love at all.

 

I think this post is dead on. I am glad you are relieved for your sake, but I doubt this “episode” is over. He is going to try again, probably reaching out in the next few days and she will likely respond. At some point, they may very well reach the point of no return where she doesn’t back down. May not be this time, may not be when they restart this dance again a few months from now, but I predict they will cross the line.

 

Edith, do you want a better marriage? Do you think you guys can start talking about fidelity or get some counseling? You can share that you are willing to forgive and that you want the marriage, but I think without a little honesty and tough conversation, your marriage is going to slowly attrition away.

[Artdeco]

The most disturbing thing about this story - other than the fact that you’ve put up with it in SILENCE for almost 10 years - is that you’re actually relieved that SHE cancelled on your husband. What is there to be relieved about? It looks like she holds all the cards, and he’s sitting there in limbo waiting until she throws him a bone, while you’re the one keeping the M intact without him knowing what you know. How’s that working for you? Why is it that you put up with multiple affairs, at least one of them being something more? Isn’t that soul crushing? If you don’t want to get divorced, ask yourself why that is. What’s your fear? How much worse does it have to get for you to see that he’s disrespecting you to the core?

 

If you’re so afraid of splitting up, at least have an honest, open conversation with him. Confront him - like yesterday. He needs to know that he’s dealing with a spouse who has a backbone. Be that wife who shows her backbone, or he’ll walk all over you for the next 10-20 years. I mean, what do you get out of this marriage? Can’t be love. Can’t be money (there’s not enough money in the world to make somebody live through this). Hope? I really want to understand this better. You did mention kids and family, but you’ve created a monster ...... you live with a man who thinks he can do as he pleases, having multiple sex partners and such, and you live in a family where you can’t even say what bothers you, because nobody knows what you know. You can’t be yourself in this relationship. That’s sad. It’s such a fake environment you’re living in. Doesn’t that make you incredibly sad?

[BaileyB]

All valid points. What do you guys think it means that she backed out? Guilt? So this probably means she loves her husband and not mine. This is good news, in my view. I do see how backing out didn’t come from him, but if anyone knew how rotten I was feeling before, what I’m feeling now is relief. Because IF he is in love with her, her backing out will probably affect how he feels about her.

 

edith, you are really grasping at straws here. If anything, I would think that backing out would probably only make him want to pursue her more. If you are thinking that he is going to become frustrated and let this go... the last ten years would prove otherwise.

 

As to whether she loves her husband not yours, or whether your husband loves her and not you... I don't think any one of you knows what true love is - if you did, they wouldn't be doing what they are doing and you wouldn't be tolerating this kind of behavior from your husband.

[edith]

Great posts. I really appreciate each one of you who takes the time to help.

 

I’ll try to answer all the questions. It’s not that I am afraid of splitting up, I simply know that my children would suffer terribly without their father at home. They are VERY close. I’m content to stick to my part of a promise I made myself: that, no matter what, I would raise these children with a father at home. Once the children leave, I can reassess.

 

All of my pain comes in waves. Your posts are very sobering. I can see now how she really is holding all the cards. She decides when my husband wants me, and when he does t. She’s not the one dealing with his bad temper and foul mood - she gets the “understanding him”, she doesn’t have to worry, he’s still there and will be when she decides to come back - this is what I got from his calm response to her.

 

My commitment to my children is bigger than my commitment to myself. I can get through this.

 

But most of the time, what rings in my ear is a post on page 3 of this thread, where someone wrote that “Men don’t chase a woman for 10 years because of good head.” That made me wake up in more ways than one. I am coming to terms with the fact that he will always be there for her. The excruciating truth is that he’s not there for me in this way. She has parts of him I never get. And why? And how? She can’t possibly know him like I do.

[LightestofCadmiums]

I normally read Loveshack, but joined because this thread has been driving me up the wall bonkers. No matter how long you bury your head underneath the covers and behave coyly, you are pro cheating and you promote your husband to go out, hunt, lie, and groom women, for his obvious overblown ego and entitlements.

I joined for the most part, because I either missed reading or have not read one post explaining why your husband does what he does, as i see it.

He is a USER, yes plain although not simple, a user. He uses you to cook, launder, clean, and babysit which takes care of all his housing needs. He uses other women to build his ego and receive wild and passionate sex.

Of course it is odd that these two have only spoken here or there over the course of a decade, because that is what it is and nothing else, he is a USER. My guess is he has a long term affair that you have no clue about and when they are off, he runs to, Miss HideandSeek every so often as the rebound gal, USING her.

I agree with the poster your husband has little love to share when he only loves himself and his needs come first. I totally disagree that he loves the blo job girl because this makes her think she is somehow not spoiled goods and this is silly and delusional.

How much porn does your husband have stashed and secret files hidden that you have no idea are there and no way to find and open without a professional doing so. I would place a keylogger on all his devices.

If he is a fantastic father as you claim he is, then he will remain a fantastic father for his children should you divorce him. Children handle divorces well, if their parents handle it well, behave as adults, and leave adult issues to adults to handle. I disagree with anyone suggesting kids be told adult issues to sway them to act out against and hate a parent with marital issues that do not have anything to do with them.

Edith, when are you going to start loving yourself? I have never read any post as odd as this one. You live life as if looking through a film and watching another person's life, in awe, as if it is a daytime soap opera. When are you going to start living your own life.

Do you love your husband at all? It does not seem like you do. If you did, even with the healthiest of attachment styles and healthy independence, not having any reaction at all, would make me think my spouse could care less about me, if he had learned I was running around with countless men for many years and never said one word about it and never reacted, sharing no emotions to the point of never mentioning it.

Isn't it time for you to take a stand so all these questions if he loves, does not love, his thoughts, his meaning, his intentions can come from the only source that knows, your husband.

[zouz71]

Great posts. I really appreciate each one of you who takes the time to help.

 

I’ll try to answer all the questions. It’s not that I am afraid of splitting up, I simply know that my children would suffer terribly without their father at home. They are VERY close. I’m content to stick to my part of a promise I made myself: that, no matter what, I would raise these children with a father at home. Once the children leave, I can reassess.

 

All of my pain comes in waves. Your posts are very sobering. I can see now how she really is holding all the cards. She decides when my husband wants me, and when he does t. She’s not the one dealing with his bad temper and foul mood - she gets the “understanding him”, she doesn’t have to worry, he’s still there and will be when she decides to come back - this is what I got from his calm response to her.

 

My commitment to my children is bigger than my commitment to myself. I can get through this.

 

But most of the time, what rings in my ear is a post on page 3 of this thread, where someone wrote that “Men don’t chase a woman for 10 years because of good head.” That made me wake up in more ways than one. I am coming to terms with the fact that he will always be there for her. The excruciating truth is that he’s not there for me in this way. She has parts of him I never get. And why? And how? She can’t possibly know him like I do.

 

 

Edith , May God bless your soul for your commitment ,

 

 

I think irrespective of what emotions exists between them , they both wants to stay in their marriage yet enjoy on the borderline of physical affair .

 

 

She is freaking because up to now all playful things she did with your husband are not considered cheating in her dictionary ( though it is ) .

 

 

she doesn't want to have a full sexual experience with your husband because emotionally she will have feelings toward him , and put her marriage in risk .

 

 

How courageous you are to confront that woman alone , threatening her that you will expose her ; this will make her dump him .

 

 

 

 

or you can find a way to make her think that her husband is suspicious about her .

 

 

 

 

Best