What is he waiting for?

[BrainyBri]

So I've been friends with this man for a few years. We worked together, spent most of our time at work together, speak all day and night mostly everyday. The thing is he never invited me to spend time with him outside of work. He likes going out with his friends. He's not dating anyone but he won't offer to ever hang out and when I offer he has an excuse. I mentioned to a mutual friend that maybe he doesn't enjoy my friendship as much as I do and he confided that my friend mentioned to him that he feels he might be in love with me. That he thinks I'm the perfect woman for him. THAT MAKES IT EVEN MORE CONFUSING. I have no idea why he wouldn't want to spend time with me outside of work if he has all these hidden feelings. Does anyone have a clue or ever dealt with anything similar?

Edited September 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
correct title

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, BrainyBri said:

We worked together, spent most of our time at work together, speak all day and night mostly everyday.  He's not dating anyone but he won't offer to ever hang out and when I offer he has an excuse.

How long have you been working together? How old is he? Are you peers or is either of you senior to the other?

 He seems to like you as a friends and has his fill during work hours of your friendship. He doesn't seem to be "waiting", but you are for some reason. Enjoy the collegial friendship but date outside of work. Try to avoid office gossip and hearsay. 

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, BrainyBri said:

he confided that my friend mentioned to him that he feels he might be in love with me. That he thinks I'm the perfect woman for him.

Why don't you just be open with him and tell him what your friend told you.  Tell him you want to go on a date with him.  If he still gives excuses not to see you after that stop all the chatting with him and get interested in someone else who isn't wasting your precious time.  

I too want to know your ages, that makes a difference.

Edited September 4, 2022 by stillafool

[BrainyBri]

We had worked together for 2yrs. I am older by a couple of years and we are both in our late 20s. He no longer works there but texts and calls me everyday. I'm not waiting for him just for dating but what kind of friendship involves never seeing each other in person or hanging out. That would be a penpal. That is what I find strange. Also what workplace gossip are you speaking of?

[BrainyBri]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why don't you just be open with him and tell him what your friend told you.  Tell him you want to go on a date with him.  If he still gives excuses not to see you after that stop all the chatting with him and get interested in someone else who isn't wasting your precious time.  

I too want to know your ages, that makes a difference.

We are both in our late 20s but I am older by 2yrs. I don't care if we date or not I just find it strange that our friendship is like a weird penpal relationship now that we no lol work together and he never wants to hang out in person. I was ready to cut the whole thing off when HIS friend ( I know him by association) told me how he felt. I'm just baffled by the whole thing. 

 

I just reread what you wrote and you're right. I will stop wasting me time. I enjoy our friendship but I want someone to do stuff with and not just a pen pal 

Edited September 4, 2022 by BrainyBri

[BrainyBri]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been working together? How old is he? Are you peers or is either of you senior to the other?

 He seems to like you as a friends and has his fill during work hours of your friendship. He doesn't seem to be "waiting", but you are for some reason. Enjoy the collegial friendship but date outside of work. Try to avoid office gossip and hearsay. 

Sorry I responded but forgot to quote you

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, BrainyBri said:

We are both in our late 20s but I am older by 2yrs. I don't care if we date or not I just find it strange that our friendship is like a weird penpal relationship now that we no lol work together and he never wants to hang out in person. I was ready to cut the whole thing off when HIS friend ( I know him by association) told me how he felt. I'm just baffled by the whole thing. 

So if you don't care if you guys date or not, do you want to hang out as patonic friends, just for sex or what?  I'm confused as to what you want from him.

[BrainyBri]

Just now, stillafool said:

So if you don't care if you guys date or not, do you want to hang out as patonic friends, just for sex or what?  I'm confused as to what you want from him.

A regular platonic friendship.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, BrainyBri said:

A regular platonic friendship.

Oh I see.  Well if he's constantly busy with his friends and makes excuses not to hang out with you as a friend he doesn't view your friendship the way you do.  I would find other friends.  I won't ask anyone to hang out with me more than once if I get rejected.  It's one thing to ask and they're busy but get back to you with an alternate plan to cultivate a friendship but if not, they are really not invested.  Maybe this guy only sees you as a work buddy and doesn't need anymore friends outside of work.

[BrainyBri]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Oh I see.  Well if he's constantly busy with his friends and makes excuses not to hang out with you as a friend he doesn't view your friendship the way you do.  I would find other friends.  I won't ask anyone to hang out with me more than once if I get rejected.  It's one thing to ask and they're busy but get back to you with an alternate plan to cultivate a friendship but if not, they are really not invested.  Maybe this guy only sees you as a work buddy and doesn't need anymore friends outside of work.

You might be right. Thank you. 

[basil67]

If he's available to chat all night, then he's got time to see you in person if he wants.   And if he's chatting to you all evening, then perhaps he doesn't need to see you face to face.

I wonder what would happen if you started to pull back a bit.  Or even openly tell him that while you want to enjoy his friendship, you aren't finding this pen pal arrangement satisfying.  

 

[BrainyBri]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If he's available to chat all night, then he's got time to see you in person if he wants.   And if he's chatting to you all evening, then perhaps he doesn't need to see you face to face.

I wonder what would happen if you started to pull back a bit.  Or even openly tell him that while you want to enjoy his friendship, you aren't finding this pen pal arrangement satisfying.  

 

Honestly I'm just going to pull back. Writing out the issue really caused me to think about it and realize I'm getting nothing out of this. 

[basil67]

Good for you in being proactive.  If he notices you pulling back, I'd suggest you be honest about the reason why

[ShyViolet]

He texts and calls you every day, but he makes himself unavailable to actually hang out in person, and when you have tried to hang out with him in person he comes up with excuses not to.  This is the definition of a time waster.  He is not interested in hanging out with you.  People make time for what is important to them.  Whatever your friend told you, that is hearsay and it's irrelevant.  Look at his actions, not his words or some nonsense that he told a friend but chooses not to tell you, or even SHOW you with his actions.  This only continues for as long as you allow it.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy just wants a chat buddy. 

He doesn't want to to hang out, clarly. Perhaps he knows that you just want platonic friendship so he's not willing to put himself out there with you if he knows you don't want more. And if you are being honest with yourself that don't want more, then I would just leave this be and chalk it up to mismatched interest and expectations. 

[Will am I]

11 hours ago, BrainyBri said:

He's not dating anyone but he won't offer to ever hang out and when I offer he has an excuse. I mentioned to a mutual friend that maybe he doesn't enjoy my friendship as much as I do and he confided that my friend mentioned to him that he feels he might be in love with me. That he thinks I'm the perfect woman for him. THAT MAKES IT EVEN MORE CONFUSING.

He has a crush on you but does not think you feel the same way. So instead of risking an awkward friendship with a unilateral crush, he steers clear of you in his personal life.

If you are interested romantically, go for it. Don't be too subtle.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, BrainyBri said:

Honestly I'm just going to pull back.  I'm getting nothing out of this. 

Yes. Do that. He's a timewaster who wants a texting buddy to alleviate boredom. Better yet just delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Focus on real friends and real dates.

[BrainyBri]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

He has a crush on you but does not think you feel the same way. So instead of risking an awkward friendship with a unilateral crush, he steers clear of you in his personal life.

If you are interested romantically, go for it. Don't be too subtle.

That's a different perspective. Thank you. 

[Will am I]

If you like him (your opening posts kind of suggests so), see if he will kiss you when given the opportunity. You already heard indirectly that he’s into you.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

There is nothing complicated or confusing here. His friend gave you the answer to why your friend is acting weird: he feels he might be in love with you. Hello--that's what we call an answer, clear as a loud bell. Ding. Ding. Ding. How much clearer an answer can you get other than to hear this directly from the guy himself. 

When we're in love with a "friend" (especially when there has been no flirting) hanging out with them can be agony. It's all so close and yet so far. I've acted weird with friends I fell in love with, especially when there has been no real flirting between us. I wasn't good at reading body language and so on, so without flirting, I assumed the other person wasn't interested. Now, once I did fall head over heals with a friend that I spent a lot of time and I told her and turned out she had no interest in me. God I remember how painful that was that the idea had never crossed her mind, despite all the time we spent hanging out. Well, I ultimately had to end that "friendship." We cannot be friends with someone we're in love with.  

So your situation is quite simple. The guy is interested in you. So the next question--the only question--is are you in love with him or romantically interested in him? That's what you have to answer. I don't see (maybe I missed it) that you answered this question earlier. If the answer is yes, the next steps are easy to take (I can make good suggestions). If the answer is no, you are not interested, then now you understand why he doesn't want to hang out with you. 

This situation is not confusing at all. It's crystal clear. You're just not seeing.  Maybe you're like the guy. You're having trouble believing someone is in love with you just as he has trouble believing you like him that away. 

Edited September 5, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Will am I said:

He has a crush on you but does not think you feel the same way. So instead of risking an awkward friendship with a unilateral crush, he steers clear of you in his personal life.

If you are interested romantically, go for it. Don't be too subtle.

I don't think so.  If he had a crush on her he would have jumped at the chance to hang out but he turned her down to hang out with his friends.  No one does that when they have a chance to be alone with a crush.  I just think he see's her as a work buddy/acquaintance.

OP, maybe you should find some female friends to hang out with because with males if you aren't long time friends with them it can be tricky.

Edited September 5, 2022 by stillafool

[Will am I]

Maybe he’s insecure and/or shy?

[Lotsgoingon]

A shy guy could easily turn down opportunities to hang if he's worried the other person doesn't feel the same way. 

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, you still haven't commented on whether or not you are romantically attracted to your work colleague. Which likely means a no. Or perhaps you were shocked to take this idea seriously and you're still running it all through your system (understandable). 

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

There is nothing complicated or confusing here. His friend gave you the answer to why your friend is acting weird: he feels he might be in love with you. Hello--that's what we call an answer, clear as a loud bell. Ding. Ding. Ding. How much clearer an answer can you get other than to hear this directly from the guy himself. 

When we're in love with a "friend" (especially when there has been no flirting) hanging out with them can be agony. It's all so close and yet so far. I've acted weird with friends I fell in love with, especially when there has been no real flirting between us. I wasn't good at reading body language and so on, so without flirting, I assumed the other person wasn't interested. Now, once I did fall head over heals with a friend that I spent a lot of time and I told her and turned out she had no interest in me. God I remember how painful that was that the idea had never crossed her mind, despite all the time we spent hanging out. Well, I ultimately had to end that "friendship." We cannot be friends with someone we're in love with.  

So your situation is quite simple. The guy is interested in you. So the next question--the only question--is are you in love with him or romantically interested in him? That's what you have to answer. I don't see (maybe I missed it) that you answered this question earlier. If the answer is yes, the next steps are easy to take (I can make good suggestions). If the answer is no, you are not interested, then now you understand why he doesn't want to hang out with you. 

This situation is not confusing at all. It's crystal clear. You're just not seeing.  Maybe you're like the guy. You're having trouble believing someone is in love with you just as he has trouble believing you like him that away. 

This^^ was my very first thought too when I began reading and I didn't even need to get to the part where he admitted to your friend he may be in love with you. 

Re bolded, sometimes attraction and feelings can be confusing and  complicated especially here where he is telling your friend one thing but his behavior tells a different story.

Imo, it's about fear. My brother is the same way this guy is.  To a Tee!

His fears of intimacy and closeness are so great, he has admitted to me throughout the years that the more he likes/loves a girl, the more fearful he is.

So he intentionally places limitations on their interaction/friendship to avoid getting more involved than he's ready for, or even wants! 

He loves being single and free.  It's emotionally safer that way. 

Spending time in person would certainly lead to more closeness and involvement so he avoids. 

Avoidant, commitment phobe, there are several ways it can be labeled. 

I don't think there is anything you can do but accept his limitations and enjoy your on-line/email friendship. 

I have friends from all over the world I communicate with in this way, we provide a lot of support for each other.  There is nothing wrong with it unless you want more.

But even then, he's not your guy imo, again I think his fears are just too great and he prefers being single. 

I think it's important to remember things are not always so black and white to say if he were into you, he'd be asking you out.

There are many nuances and shades of gray, our emotions complex.

Sometimes people have issues and fears that prevent them from pursuing their desires and moving forward or in a different direction. 

Judge every situation on it's own and do whatever you think is best for you. 

Good luck whatever your decision.

Edited September 6, 2022 by poppyfields