No longer dating 'my type'

[HazelBliss]

On 9/11/2022 at 9:06 AM, Alpacalia said:

My relationships did not include discussions about the subject.

Then again, if I were to say, "hey honey, are you my boyfriend?"? He would say, "yes honey, of course!"

The fact that he brought up dating exclusively indicates that he thinks you're special to him. Sounds like you're in a good place!

I only mentioned it because dating cultures vary.

The topic of exclusivity, commitment, and future talk is generally avoided by men if they feel uncomfortable.

 

 

Well I guess he is comfortable.. he's now referring to me as "his lady" and made it clear that he cares about me a zillion times.. Happy we are in a good place.. and getting along CONSISTENTLY.. of course issues may arise at some point.. but Im loving this foundation we are building.. Its beautiful and almost makes me tearful because I have never experienced A MAN before. I feel safe with him and really enjoy our time together. 

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Well I guess he is comfortable.. he's now referring to me as "his lady" and made it clear that he cares about me a zillion times.. Happy we are in a good place.. and getting along CONSISTENTLY.. of course issues may arise at some point.. but Im loving this foundation we are building.. Its beautiful and almost makes me tearful because I have never experienced A MAN before. I feel safe with him and really enjoy our time together. 

What an exciting development.

He's being playful. "My lady" is cheeky, it's okay if it gives you the fuzzies. 

"My lady" and "you're mine" are terms of endearment that convey affection and protection for you. 

There is a tendency for men to be territorial with women they care about. All good things!

A few months into dating I was wearing an old sweatshirt with a firefighter logo on it, Noticing me wearing it, he offered to bring me one of his sweatshirts and said, "Oh, I have a sweatshirt I can give. Do you want one of my sweatshirts instead?" 

See? Some guys with tough exteriors are sweet on the inside. Also, I imagine when you say you are dating someone not your type, you are referring to more than just physical characteristics. He probably has a tremendous amount of personality, values, and goals that you enjoy, as well as someone who respects you, treats you well, and has a positive outlook on life.

Just a few things I wanted to throw your way.

Everything sounds great. Glad you're enjoying yourself and each other!

There's nothing like a new beginning. 

Edited September 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[HazelBliss]

On 9/18/2022 at 3:18 PM, Alpacalia said:

What an exciting development.

He's being playful. "My lady" is cheeky, it's okay if it gives you the fuzzies. 

"My lady" and "you're mine" are terms of endearment that convey affection and protection for you. 

There is a tendency for men to be territorial with women they care about. All good things!

A few months into dating I was wearing an old sweatshirt with a firefighter logo on it, Noticing me wearing it, he offered to bring me one of his sweatshirts and said, "Oh, I have a sweatshirt I can give. Do you want one of my sweatshirts instead?" 

See? Some guys with tough exteriors are sweet on the inside. Also, I imagine when you say you are dating someone not your type, you are referring to more than just physical characteristics. He probably has a tremendous amount of personality, values, and goals that you enjoy, as well as someone who respects you, treats you well, and has a positive outlook on life.

Just a few things I wanted to throw your way.

Everything sounds great. Glad you're enjoying yourself and each other!

There's nothing like a new beginning. 

Yess I am loving it and some women in my life are mad.. I made a little post about it on here. lol. SMH. One of my "friends" continue to ask how we are doing.. and when I say nothing but great things she goes silent.. so why ask.. but anywho, you're right about men with tough exteriors lol it's so cute. We have the same sense of humor which is a huge plus lol. My bday is coming up in a few days.. should I expect SOMETHING??? Is it a bad sign if he doesnt do anything?? The little things matter to me so its not like I am expecting a Chanel bag or anything.. but still curious.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

My bday is coming up in a few days.. should I expect SOMETHING??? Is it a bad sign if he doesnt do anything?? The little things matter to me so its not like I am expecting a Chanel bag or anything.. but still curious.

See what happens. It's a tricky situation in that he may not want to be "over-the-top" so try to appreciate whatever it is he does. Pay more attention to how he treats every other day.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Yess I am loving it and some women in my life are mad.. I made a little post about it on here. lol. SMH. One of my "friends" continue to ask how we are doing.. and when I say nothing but great things she goes silent.. so why ask..

@HazelBlissgirlfriends can be weird sometimes, I experienced same when I began dating my husband.   Especially if their dating experiences haven't gone well. 

Misery loves company as they say so when you talk about how great your boyfriend is and how wonderful things are, they can become resentful.  Perhaps a bit jealous.

Some might think these are not true friends as friends should be happy for our successes and build us up, but again girlfriends can be weird sometimes. In my experience anyway.

Some may disagree with this but what I have learned to do (and I did this when I began dating my hubs with a couple of friends who were having dating struggles and couldn't get or keep a boyfriend), is I didn't gush too much, I simply responded "so far things are going well, but we shall see" and changed the subject.

Again, this response was only with certain friends who were struggling dating, being flaked on, ghosted, etc.

With other friends who were happy and successful themselves, I would talk about him much more enthusiastically! 😍

You'll have to decide which friends you can gush with and which friends you can't.  If they're not having good dating experiences, be sensitive to that, that's being a good friend too. 

As far as your birthday, there was another thread not too long ago about this..

A male poster created the thread asking what he should get a woman he'd only had three dates with.  It seemed to be causing him quite a bit of stress, unnecessary stress imo. 

Your boyfriend may be struggling with this too. 

I would lower expectations, try to not place too much importance or significance on the day.

Be happy with whatever he chooses to do, whether it be a simple card, taking you to a nice dinner or even just a simple happy birthday. 

Continue observing his actions, it's still early stages.  Try to remain grounded.

Good luck to you both and have fun!  

Edited September 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Yess I am loving it and some women in my life are mad.. I made a little post about it on here. lol. SMH. One of my "friends" continue to ask how we are doing.. and when I say nothing but great things she goes silent.. so why ask.. but anywho, you're right about men with tough exteriors lol it's so cute. We have the same sense of humor which is a huge plus lol. My bday is coming up in a few days.. should I expect SOMETHING??? Is it a bad sign if he doesnt do anything?? The little things matter to me so its not like I am expecting a Chanel bag or anything.. but still curious.

It's probably best to keep a safe distance from your female friends if you currently aren't getting along. 

The importance of female friendships is undeniable, however, there is another connection in the works that is becoming just as significant.

Having similar sense of humors is always a plus. 🙂

Try not to fret about your birthday coming up. Everything else seems to be going really well. Focus on the big picture instead. 

Celebrating your birthday with someone you are in a new relationship with can be an exciting experience "but" try not to put too much pressure on him to impress you when you are dating someone new. Remember, this will be the first birthday that you and he will be experiencing together as you go through the gauntlet of birthday celebrations. Let him handle your birthday his way.

When people ask for suggestions, we like to give them, but maybe his way is best, because it's in his voice.

 

 

 

[HazelBliss]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@HazelBlissgirlfriends can be weird sometimes, I experienced same when I began dating my husband.   Especially if their dating experiences haven't gone well. 

Misery loves company as they say so when you talk about how great your boyfriend is and how wonderful things are, they can become resentful.  Perhaps a bit jealous.

Some might think these are not true friends as friends should be happy for our successes and build us up, but again girlfriends can be weird sometimes. In my experience anyway.

Some may disagree with this but what I have learned to do (and I did this when I began dating my hubs with a couple of friends who were having dating struggles and couldn't get or keep a boyfriend), is I didn't gush too much, I simply responded "so far things are going well, but we shall see" and changed the subject.

Again, this response was only with certain friends who were struggling dating, being flaked on, ghosted, etc.

With other friends who were happy and successful themselves, I would talk about him much more enthusiastically! 😍

You'll have to decide which friends you can gush with and which friends you can't.  If they're not having good dating experiences, be sensitive to that, that's being a good friend too. 

As far as your birthday, there was another thread not too long ago about this..

A male poster created the thread asking what he should get a woman he'd only had three dates with.  It seemed to be causing him quite a bit of stress, unnecessary stress imo. 

Your boyfriend may be struggling with this too. 

I would lower expectations, try to not place too much importance or significance on the day.

Be happy with whatever he chooses to do, whether it be a simple card, taking you to a nice dinner or even just a simple happy birthday. 

Continue observing his actions, it's still early stages.  Try to remain grounded.

Good luck to you both and have fun!  

I stopped bringing him up in conversations specifically because I knew she felt a way about her dating life. Yet, she still asks about him...like today I called her, and I kid you not, 10 seconds after saying "hey", she asks how he is doing. SO at this point she is torturing herself. Just to make HER feel better I actually did say the whole "we shall see" remark. I had to call her back, and when I did, she said something about us "love birds" so again she keeps bringing it up and its the first thing she brings up now.. so idk what's going to happen if we do actually work out. 

As far as bday gift, It's the thought that counts and I'd be happy with anything from him. My concern was feeling a way if he did nothing which includes the small stuff. Either way we are fresh, or in early stages like you mentioned so I won't beat myself up or him about this. Not yet at least LOL

[basil67]

21 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

My bday is coming up in a few days.. should I expect SOMETHING??? Is it a bad sign if he doesnt do anything?? The little things matter to me so its not like I am expecting a Chanel bag or anything.. but still curious.

Before I answer this question, I need to confirm the obvious: does he know it's your birthday?  

[HazelBliss]

45 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Before I answer this question, I need to confirm the obvious: does he know it's your birthday?  

Yes, he knows my birthdate.

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

Yes, he knows my birthdate.

Assuming that talks about your birthday are on the radar (eg plans to meet with family or friends) so that it can't possibly have slipped his mind, you should expect something.  A card or flowers.  A bottle of wine or a dinner.

Edited September 21, 2022 by basil67

[HazelBliss]

On 9/21/2022 at 7:09 AM, basil67 said:

Assuming that talks about your birthday are on the radar (eg plans to meet with family or friends) so that it can't possibly have slipped his mind, you should expect something.  A card or flowers.  A bottle of wine or a dinner.

Update: He didn't get me anything LOL 😐.. but he was the first person to wish me happy birthday..So I guess that's okay. I dont EXPECT gifts but I do expect thoughtfulness and creativity.. maybe its too soon.. IDK.. Im terrible at this.. but we're still going on strong either way. 💞

[basil67]

If the two of you regularly go on dates, at the very least, I would expect him to take you out for a birthday dinner.  A dinner at somewhere half decent is a win for him too.   

If you continue with this guy, you may have to rethink whether or not you can deal with getting no gifts.  Do you celebrate Xmas?   

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry that happened.

Not even a card? Romantic meal? How odd.

We can buy anything we want with our own money, so birthday presents, whatever, doesn't matter. The point isn't that. Really, what matters is that he thinks enough of you to make an effort. Gifts don't even have to cost a great deal, but some little gesture is not too much to ask.

But I digress. What matters is how you feel about it, of course. It's part of a broader sense of feeling cared for and understood, which is everything.

At least he remembered your birthday, that's one plus. Doesn't sound like you've been dating very long though you probably know him well enough at this stage to decide if he's selfish or not. If he has the money and didn't get you something or spend time with you on your birthday it's possible either he doesn't want to take it much faster or perhaps doesn't want to appear too keen.

You guys are at an early stage but still AT LEAST friends nonetheless. Is he stingy? If yes, dump the bugger.

Edited October 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

.. Im terrible at this.. but we're still going on strong either way. 💞

That's ok. It's tricky in the beginning to toe the line between too much too soon and not doing enough.

As long as you're both still happy, it's fine.

[HazelBliss]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

If the two of you regularly go on dates, at the very least, I would expect him to take you out for a birthday dinner.  A dinner at somewhere half decent is a win for him too.   

If you continue with this guy, you may have to rethink whether or not you can deal with getting no gifts.  Do you celebrate Xmas?   

Regularly, no but its temporary. I'll drop some hints about that, I don't want it to look like I'm greedy. Its the thought that counts. I haven't celebrated any holiday in a long time.

[HazelBliss]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sorry that happened.

Not even a card? Romantic meal? How odd.

We can buy anything we want with our own money, so birthday presents, whatever, doesn't matter. The point isn't that. Really, what matters is that he thinks enough of you to make an effort. Gifts don't even have to cost a great deal, but some little gesture is not too much to ask.

But I digress. What matters is how you feel about it, of course. It's part of a broader sense of feeling cared for and understood, which is everything.

At least he remembered your birthday, that's one plus. Doesn't sound like you've been dating very long though you probably know him well enough at this stage to decide if he's selfish or not. If he has the money and didn't get you something or spend time with you on your birthday it's possible either he doesn't want to take it much faster or perhaps doesn't want to appear too keen.

You guys are at an early stage but still AT LEAST friends nonetheless. Is he stingy? If yes, dump the bugger.

We are still in the early stages so I'm not too mad. I do have a history of doing too much too soon so my mind probably needs to slow down. Everything else has been great. He's done favors for me and fixed things in my home which was nice of him to do and he offered. There's way more to unpack but I have this fear of someone recognizing him if I say too much because he was "known" at one point in his career. Let's just say right now his schedule is VERY busy but he makes time for me in between work... as in he's on the job but will leave for a couple hours to spend time with me then resume work. it's supposed to slow down soon. That is all I can say. We talk every day all day, phone and text..he updates me on his day and what he's doing or why he missed my call or delayed response. He works so hard and I'm choosing to be patient with him.

At the end of the day I have a time limit and I do have expectations. We are exclusive, and we seem to be on the same page as far as intentions and feelings for each other..so if we are in the same spot in a couple months with no growth, I'll have to walk away from this and wish him well. He doesn't seem stingy.. YET.. we shall see.

Edited October 15, 2022 by HazelBliss

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

We are still in the early stages so I'm not too mad. I do have a history of doing too much too soon so my mind probably needs to slow down. Everything else has been great. He's done favors for me and fixed things in my home which was nice of him to do and he offered. There's way more to unpack but I have this fear of someone recognizing him if I say too much because he was "known" at one point in his career. Let's just say right now his schedule is VERY busy but he makes time for me in between work... as in he's on the job but will leave for a couple hours to spend time with me then resume work. it's supposed to slow down soon. That is all I can say. We talk every day all day, phone and text..he updates me on his day and what he's doing or why he missed my call or delayed response. He works so hard and I'm choosing to be patient with him.

At the end of the day I have a time limit and I do have expectations. We are exclusive, and we seem to be on the same page as far as intentions and feelings for each other..so if we are in the same spot in a couple months with no growth, I'll have to walk away from this and wish him well. He doesn't seem stingy.. YET.. we shall see.

That's a good point to keep in mind (i.e. early stage). That you and this guy still barely know each other.

It might even make sense for him to know exactly what to get on your next birthday (assuming you're still together), and you might not even need him to do that for you, because you're both in a much more secure, richer, and deeper place than you were when you started.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

He's done favors for me and fixed things in my home which was nice of him to do and he offered. We talk every day all day, phone and text..he updates me on his day and what he's doing or why he missed my call or delayed response. He works so hard and I'm choosing to be patient with him.

Happy birthday. He's a keeper. Even if a man isn't good with gifts or celebrations, try to zoom out and view the big picture. Men can stumble with this. We fear they will look at a gift and that face of disappointment is like a punch in the chest. Give it time.  

[Walter Kronite]

On 9/5/2022 at 5:58 AM, HazelBliss said:

It's clearly not not working out for me and it took all these years to realize that.. going after the same type of man with the same results. These relationships would always start off on a high and then fizzle quickly. These SPARKS that occur in the beginning aren't always genuine and I see that now at my soon to be old age of 37. I am choosing to build with someone and grow with them.. someone I wouldn't usually go for and it has been beautiful so far and a learning experience so even if we don't work out, its not going to be because I sacrificed my sanity or peace for a "type"..

Sorry but you should be older...right? It's just time.

[HazelBliss]

10 hours ago, Walter Kronite said:

Sorry but you should be older...right? It's just time.

Can you elaborate? Not sure what you mean by that.

[Allupinnit]

My husband wasn't my "type" initially.  He's genuinely nice, available, loyal, and a lot of other things that came to matter to me outside a full head of hair and the ability to command a room (y'all know that cute, charming type).

You can get "sparks" from a LOT of people who are horrible for you.  It is a really poor indicator of compatibility over the long haul.  In fact, I came to think of "sparks" as anxiety and that there was something that person was triggering in me, even if I couldn't put my finger on it.  

I've gotten "sparks" for someone else even while being married.  It was completely unwanted and out of my control, as this person is also married with a family and I would never dream of involving myself with a married person, AS a married person.  That doesn't mean he's right for me, sometimes that stuff just happens and it's not really an indicator of anything positive, IME.  The high can be very fun and addicting but it always fades and then you're left wondering where that nice guy you met in the beginning went (btdt).

[HazelBliss]

I forgot to update this thread... well we are OFFICIAL

Hoping things continue to progress.. it hasn't been easy. We had our first disagreement but recovered from it pretty well considering I hate any type of conflict. I know there will be more disagreements to come.. hopefully they don't turn into a full on argument.. sheesh. I lost a friend and I've backed away from shady work associates during this whole process. I don't trust a soul at this point. I am, however, learning to keep my mouth shut about my personal life because some start to resent you if they aren't doing the same or better in that department. Women can be so catty and competitive its a shame..  Why can't we all win.

But anywho, I am happy where I'm at and pray we create more memories and build. We both have children so when do you guys think it would be an appropriate time to meet each other's kids??? I am not in any rush.. but it would be good to know if there is a specific time frame.