Am I wrong for being frustrated that my ex never took accountability for anything in our relationship?

[heidivegac94]

I was dating my ex for around 6 months, and I thought that everything was going really well. There were no previous hints of things going downhill. He then went on to ignore me for an entire weekend, at which point I messaged him to ask if everything was alright as I was due to see him the following week. He then texted me a long list of 'little things' that made him lose attraction to me, all of which were my fault. He also lied to my face by claiming that I made him pay for all of our dates, which is completely untrue as I remember most of our dates would either be split or one of us would choose to pay (for example, when the bill would come at a restaurant he would insist on paying and do it before I could argue). He also made it about me not making enough effort, which I had previously addressed with him and held my hands up and told him that he was right and that I needed to improve on that. However, he never gave me a chance. Then, when I pointed out what he could have done better on (examples: he drunk drove with me in the car and embarrassed me in public on a few occasions and never apologised for any of it), he got aggressive/defensive and said that I was being ‘petty’. I was never planning on holding those things against him and I only brought them up now to show his double standard. I tried to be civil in this argument, but before I could say anything else, he blocked me on everything.

Am I wrong for being frustrated that he never took accountability for anything in our relationship?

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, heidivegac94 said:

Am I wrong for being frustrated that he never took accountability for anything in our relationship?

No you're entitled to feel how you feel.  How long ago did this relationship end and do you want to make up and get back together?

[BrinnM]

No, you’re not wrong, but listen: What you’re experiencing is pretty common, so don’t fret. Same/a very similar thing happened to me, but after 6 years, not a 6 mere months (even though you’re probably feeling lots of pain and disappointment regardless).

What’s happening is that he wanted to break up, didn’t know how to do it respectfully, so he started to ghost you slowly, and then when you reached out (in reaction to his “ghosting”), he threw a plethora of (possibly fake) reasons at you; that way, you’re in a defensive position, too busy justifying your behavior, while he can avoid explaining what the real reasons are. Which could be anything. It also distracts from HIS flaws, such as drunk driving with you in the car, etc. ——- good strategy on his part! Looks like it worked.

So: Once a partner starts withdrawing, you usually know they’ve lost interest (unless there’s a reason, such as lack of time due to whatever; sick family member, final exams, new job, travel, etc etc; but you’d know because they would’ve TOLD you in advance). This is especially true in relatively short-term relationships (like yours)/dating. So what you do is this: nothing. They don’t make an effort. You don’t make one either. Let them ghost. Don’t react. Be gone. If they want to give an explanation as to why they’ve been less available, they will let you know, and they will apologize, like decent people normally do. 
[In your case - he would probably NOT have returned to give an explanation, bc he didn’t want to be bothered at all.]

I hope you get over the break up pretty soon. Good luck!

Edited September 6, 2022 by BrinnM

[glows]

20 minutes ago, heidivegac94 said:

I was dating my ex for around 6 months, and I thought that everything was going really well. There were no previous hints of things going downhill. He then went on to ignore me for an entire weekend, at which point I messaged him to ask if everything was alright as I was due to see him the following week. He then texted me a long list of 'little things' that made him lose attraction to me, all of which were my fault. He also lied to my face by claiming that I made him pay for all of our dates, which is completely untrue as I remember most of our dates would either be split or one of us would choose to pay (for example, when the bill would come at a restaurant he would insist on paying and do it before I could argue). He also made it about me not making enough effort, which I had previously addressed with him and held my hands up and told him that he was right and that I needed to improve on that. However, he never gave me a chance. Then, when I pointed out what he could have done better on (examples: he drunk drove with me in the car and embarrassed me in public on a few occasions and never apologised for any of it), he got aggressive/defensive and said that I was being ‘petty’. I was never planning on holding those things against him and I only brought them up now to show his double standard. I tried to be civil in this argument, but before I could say anything else, he blocked me on everything.

Am I wrong for being frustrated that he never took accountability for anything in our relationship?

It sounds more like he has been pulling away for awhile and it’s better that this ended. The list of resentments is too long. When it gets to this point let go and cut your losses. Feel however you need to feel and let this go. I also echo Stillafool - how long ago was the break up? 

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, heidivegac94 said:

he drunk drove with me in the car and embarrassed me in public on a few occasions and never apologised for any of it)

Sorry this happened. It sounds like you dodged a bullet if he drives drunk, has anger issues, and disappears only to reply with a laundry list of nonsense complaints.

In the future, if someone gets behind the wheel drunk, get put, call a friend/Uber, contact police with the plate number and immediately delete and block someone like that.

Jump for joy that it's over. He sounds like a menace to society.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, heidivegac94 said:

He then texted me a long list of 'little things' that made him lose attraction to me, all of which were my fault. He also lied to my face by claiming that I made him pay for all of our dates, which is completely untrue as I remember most of our dates would either be split or one of us would choose to pay (for example, when the bill would come at a restaurant he would insist on paying and do it before I could argue). He also made it about me not making enough effort.

The above reads like he was trying to convince himself why to end it, even if that meant creating a false narrative in his head to justify it.   It's not uncommon.

He sounds angry! 

When a man wants out due to lack of attraction/feelings, typically he's indifferent NOT angry. 

Anger is an emotional response and any time a man gets this angry at you for seemingly bogus reasons,  it suggests you've triggered emotions in him which is the exact opposite of indifference.

And again is typically how a man behaves when he's lost attraction and feelings and wants out - indifferent. 

He'll ghost or begin fading.  Often times, nothing is even said, he's gone and hoping you take the hint.

NOT lashing out in a fit of anger finding fault, placing blame and creating false narratives. That's called insanity.

I think it's possible he may have been falling hard for you and felt uncomfortable with those feelings so began creating chaos and acting crazy, blaming YOU to deflect blame from himself and appearing like the bad guy. 

Bottom line, guy has ISSUES.  Stop responding to the insanity and defending yourself, this is all on HIM. 

Most likely he is just another guy afraid of his own shadow and too weak to own up to his own fears and anxieties so flips the script and blames you. 

This is the part where you block and delete and take steps to move on from it. 

I'm sorry it didn't work out though.  The good news is there are much better men out there and now you are free to find him. 

 

 

Edited September 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[heidivegac94]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

No you're entitled to feel how you feel.  How long ago did this relationship end and do you want to make up and get back together?

This was only 3 weeks ago. There was no warning about this on my end, everything seemed completely fine and we were making so many plans prior to that weekend where his communication dropped. But now that I've been reflecting on his behaviour and what he said to me, I don't ever want anything to do with him again. 

[heidivegac94]

2 hours ago, glows said:

It sounds more like he has been pulling away for awhile and it’s better that this ended. The list of resentments is too long. When it gets to this point let go and cut your losses. Feel however you need to feel and let this go. I also echo Stillafool - how long ago was the break up? 

There was no warning on my end, I was completely blinded sided. We were making plans, he was saying so many romantic things etc, and then (when he broke things off) it felt like I was talking to a completely different person. This was only 3 weeks ago, but I would never want anything else to do with him.

[Weezy1973]

Meh, I wouldn’t dwell on it. He wasn’t the one for you. Next!

[glows]

1 hour ago, heidivegac94 said:

There was no warning on my end, I was completely blinded sided. We were making plans, he was saying so many romantic things etc, and then (when he broke things off) it felt like I was talking to a completely different person. This was only 3 weeks ago, but I would never want anything else to do with him.

I’m sorry to hear this as no one likes being blindsided by issues and faced with hostility or resentment and aggression from someone. This shows you exactly the kind of person he is so count your blessings he’s out of your life. Yes, I’d be frustrated also but the longer you hold onto that the longer it holds you back from living your life well and having a ball. Live your life well. 

[heidivegac94]

42 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m sorry to hear this as no one likes being blindsided by issues and faced with hostility or resentment and aggression from someone. This shows you exactly the kind of person he is so count your blessings he’s out of your life. Yes, I’d be frustrated also but the longer you hold onto that the longer it holds you back from living your life well and having a ball. Live your life well. 

Thank you for your kind comments and advice. You're completely right, I don't want someone like this to hold me back from a life of new experiences and opportunities. Hopefully this situation has given me, and others in similar situations, the skills for staying a bit more cautious and to find someone who will treat us better. 

[ShyViolet]

You're not wrong for being frustrated about it, but there's no point now.  It's in the past.  Use this as a learning experience.  It sounds like there were some red flags and times that he acted like a huge jerk, and you still stayed with him or tried to work it out.  I think you should have been the one breaking up with him and walking away from this earlier.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your feelings are reasonably--this guy was a prince and then he turned into a frog.

I say figure out the little hints he may have given along the way that he was a frog. I'm worried that you think you can persuade this guy to be more "fair." No, you want to stay away from this guy. He's a jerk. Stay the heck away. 

 

[Jamaica0007]

I have been having a think about this recently and I had a friend who I think believed there were small deadly animals hiding just out of sight ready to pounce and eat her alive if there was any moment where she took accountability or said sorry for something that she did and that caused harm to someone else.

I came to the conclusion that she will never be accountable for the damage caused so it made me think of another way that would make me feel better after being the reciepient of behaviour that hurt me a lot.

What do people that refuse to take accountability most scared of?

They are absolutely terrified that one day they could be put in a situation where they are cornered like a rabid dog and in the right circumstances there will be no avenue to escape and they will be forced to take accountability for their actions so they avoid any interaction where this could occur. Yes they are experts and deflecting and straight up concocting something irrelevant to take heat off whatever is in front of them but it still sends chills up their spine.

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Edited September 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address OP's situation

[basil67]

You're not wrong in feeling like you feel.   I can imagine it would be immensely frustrating to be blindsided with all these things that you didn't know where issues for him. 

However, taking responsibility is for when we are in the actual relationship and want to fix it.   But in this case, he's made up his mind and given you his reasons - and he doesn't have to take responsibility if he doesn't want to because the relationship isn't continuing.   He doesn't even have to give you a reason at all.   Of course, you can use his lack of responsibility to make yourself grateful that he's gone