Allupinnit Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 That's great that you are starting to improve on yourself but you're seriously not going to make ANY demands on her? Because to me it sounds like you will just let her bulldoze all over you and she'll keep the other guy around and still go out and drink with him while you stay home with the kids (because she missed out). You're buying into her incredibly selfish excuses for blatantly cheating on you and disrespecting you, and trying to make it seem as if you're changing to her liking. Eff that! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 6 hours ago, Throwaway788 said: In regards to the marriage point, I haven't discussed it since, as I didn't want to harp on, as I never really felt the need to get married. I am still take aback that she said that she changed her mind, that to me is the biggest alarm bell. The problem probably isn't in the bedroom, so much as it's in the "relationship". Women tend to be wired a bit differently in this respect (although certainly there are exceptions as every woman is unique). Unfortunately "stability" can become boring and married life can become humdrum. You're not a "new stimulus" to your partner (nor is she to you) and there is little changing that. I don't think flirting in and of itself indicates problems in the relationship - plenty of people who seem pretty happy in their relationships flirt for fun without issue. It's a bit like drinking alcohol though - some people can do so in moderation with no ill effects; others not so much. Also I think generally that type of flirting isn't going to turn into serious thoughts of actually leaving, which probably indeed do indicate significant deeper problems... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Throwaway788 Posted September 9, 2022 Author Share Posted September 9, 2022 Ok so, paranoia got the better of me and I checked her phone. Still deleting messages, and now just today they added eachother on snapchat (cheater's paradise). Upon confronting her with this, she says he added her and that they arw juat friends.. I then start questioning that if you're juat friends then why did we nearly break up over this? Why have you said to another work colleague that you want him? Then she said that she did like him. I said I get that you fancy another guy, jesus it'a natural to look at someome and think ' they're hot' sometimes. The difference is. if you act on it or not. I said i was slowly building up trust and belieiving everything you've been saying, but now I don't trust you and if you're serious about us, I want you to quit that job or transfer. She says she loves her job and won't quit. That him and her are just friends, that he's helped her out loads since she's been there and that nothing will ever happen. I ask why add eachother on snap? And ask how she'd feel if i'd of done it with a work colleague? I made her delete him and block him on snap, and told her to stop deleting messages. My phone has always been available to her if she ever wanted it, and so has hers to me. She swears that he has never been out with her, when she's gone with friends. Oh, that's another point. She's very close with one of her other colleagues, a female. She knows all about how much she liked this other guy, and I thought i got on well with her.. Now I feel like a complete joke Problem is, idk how to take this. It's easy to unblock someone, and block them again before she gets home, and they obviously will keep working together. She doesn't seem to respect the boundaries, and now i'm left wondering; what next? Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 At this moment her heart is not in the relationship at all. That much is clear. If she doesn’t turn around, you’re better off leaving the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 You told her what you needed - she said no. you have no relationship… she’s prioritizing another guy. when you have to chase her truth - things are already over. file for divorce and see if you can either: a) get out of this relationship that displays no respect for you - or b) it motivates her to stop the shady/cheating behavior Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 3 hours ago, Throwaway788 said: I checked her phone. Still deleting messages, and now just today they added eachother on snapchat (cheater's paradise). Upon confronting her with this, Yikes! You're doing everything you can to drive this even more into a ditch. Going through her phone and interrogating her about silly social media? The one thing you're not doing is displaying confidence or addressing the years of neglect and discord. In fact this latest maneuver will drive her further away regardless of whoever else because you're the one driving her away. Get appropriate couples counselling. The first thing she needs to do is put a passcode on her phone and block you from her social media. You have no boundaries and no respect and that is a lot more detrimental than friends at work. You also could start talking care of yourself better as far as fitness health quitting bad habits etc. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 (edited) Hmm. The problem with "trust" is that (at the risk of stating what everyone already knows) while lack of it certainly harms a relationship, sometimes it gets abused. Sometimes one's partner has to show (or re-establish) that they're worthy of trust before it makes sense to show it. If on their part they are unhappy with the lack of trust shown, they can always end the relationship. That said - OP, I find the comment about Snapchat interesting. How do you know so much about this? It sounds like something an Infidelity forum regular on some other forums might say. I will be honest and say that I'm no longer convinced this thread is real. That's of course JMO and I could easily be wrong - apologies if that's the case, but we do occasionally get some weird folks who write "infidelity fan fiction" here. I believe most regular posters in Inf/OM/OW have contributed to at least a few fake threads and, while it's sort of a waste of time and mental energy, valid points can certainly still be made so it's not that big of a deal in the scheme of things. Again, if I'm wrong and that's not you, my apologies. Edited September 9, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Throwaway788 Posted September 9, 2022 Author Share Posted September 9, 2022 Believe me... it's real. Sadly. As you mentioned the snapchat, when I gave in and checked her phone (as mentioned previously) she previously used snapchat the last time she did it, over 5 years ago. We had built the trust from the ground up from that incident, and I honestly believed she wouldn't do it again. It was in her e-mails that the person had added her on snapchat (notication setting i guess) earlier in the day, which sparked the conversation last night in which I asked her to quit and block him on snap. I am aware i may be going around this the completely wrong way, but as mentioned - i'm a complete mess atm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 6 hours ago, Throwaway788 said: I am aware i may be going around this the completely wrong way, but as mentioned - i'm a complete mess atm. Dump her. It will be hard, but worth it. She already told you she’s interested in him romantically, and is still hanging out with him, adding him on social media etc. if she were reall wanting to fight for your relationship she would voluntarily quit her job, nevermind saying no to you asking. Dump her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 10, 2022 Share Posted September 10, 2022 On 9/9/2022 at 2:48 AM, S2B said: File for divorce and see if you can either:it motivates her to stop the shady/cheating behavior Unfortunately they're not married and she already told him she's not in love with him anymore. You need to decide what you want here. You've built a family together but she has serious doubts about you and admitted she has interests in other men. Rather than rifling through her phone, decide if you are better off being separate co-parents or trying to make this work against some serious long standing issues. Link to post Share on other sites
goodlife1 Posted September 25, 2022 Share Posted September 25, 2022 On 9/9/2022 at 2:35 AM, Will am I said: At this moment her heart is not in the relationship at all. That much is clear. If she doesn’t turn around, you’re better off leaving the relationship. On 9/9/2022 at 2:48 AM, S2B said: You told her what you needed - she said no. you have no relationship… she’s prioritizing another guy. when you have to chase her truth - things are already over. file for divorce and see if you can either: a) get out of this relationship that displays no respect for you - or b) it motivates her to stop the shady/cheating behavior These and other posters are giving you the best advice. You are 100% going about this wrong. You need to be strong enough to tell her enough is enough. If she refuses to respect you then you inform her that it's time to say goodbye. Women do not respect a pitiful man. They respect a man who is willing to stand up for himself. So stand up for yourself. Tell her if she wants to be with this guy, then good luck. That may bring some reality into her fantasy world. Link to post Share on other sites
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