I love him hardcore, but I'm not sure if we're okay.

[Tala35]

Help me out here, cuz I know I overthink and I’m scared of being hurt again. 
 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for only 6 months, and it hasn’t been easy at all. We live a few hours away from each other so it’s hard to see each other physically - which is a struggle in itself that I hate- but I’m slowly and surely seeing things that I’m thinking might be a huge issue for us. 
 

My anxieties that he doesn’t love me (I know he does) has made me struggle before, but the other day we found out and talked about the fact that he won’t be able to stay with me for long on my birthday (beginning of November, I haven’t seen him since July) because his shop is opening up again after referb 2 days after my bday and he’s with the boys just before my bday. During our talk he was obsessed with the fact that he was missing out on his booked off holiday time over not being able to see his girlfriend. 
 

toward the end of the convo also, the topic of someone crying came up and he said he can’t deal with that and ignored that person and leaves instantly. 
 

For me that’s a huuuge issue because I know I cry and get hurt or worked up easily, and I feel like from what he’s said, he won’t be there for me when I’m hurt and need him the most. And that is heart breaking. And now I have it in my mind that if I’m hurt, I have to hide it from him. I cried from that conversation itself with the idea that he isn’t gonna be there for me when I’m hurt, and I muted my ass because I didn’t want him to hang up on me. 

 

Am I being stupid? 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Tala35 said:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for only 6 months, and it hasn’t been easy at all. We live a few hours away from each other so it’s hard to see each other physically - I haven’t seen him since July

Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? How old is he? Have you been to his area/home?

How often have you spent time together in person? Are either of you in other relationships?

 Your anxiety may be telling you that you're not cut out for distance relationships because of the loneliness, frustration and general dissatisfactory dynamics.

[Tala35]

We barely spend time together because we’re both busy with work. He doesn’t earn as much money as I do so it’s harder for him to come to me since I live in an expensive area also. 
it’s frustrating because I know we’re both loyal, but I know I need him here more too so I feel like he’s truly there for me. He doesn’t message daily either, when I’ve told him I want my good mornings or whatever because otherwise i won’t hear from him at all sometimes. 
 

I’ve been to his area, and he came to my city in passing so we could go on a little holiday together 

[BrinnM]

To be honest, if you’ve been a couple for 6 months, and the last time you saw him was 4 months ago (am I getting that right?), you don’t really have a relationship. Are you sure he feels the same way as you do? Vacation with the boys, not available for your birthday, etc. - that doesn’t sound all too promising. And when you say you live a few hours apart, how far are we talking? If it’s a 2 or a 3 hr drive, he could easily go there over the weekend, and it doesn’t matter if you live in an expensive area or not, as I’m assuming he can stay with you, or? And vice versa. Why are you not taking turns driving?But if it’s a longer distance this might be a problem, especially if you don’t have long-term plans of living together. 

Edited September 6, 2022 by BrinnM

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Tala35 said:

the topic of someone crying came up and he said he can’t deal with that and ignored that person and leaves instantly. 
 

1 hour ago, Tala35 said:

For me that’s a huuuge issue because I know I cry and get hurt or worked up easily,

 

40 minutes ago, Tala35 said:

He doesn’t message daily either,

 

1 hour ago, Tala35 said:

that he won’t be able to stay with me for long on my birthday (beginning of November, I haven’t seen him since July) because his shop is opening up again after referb 2 days after my bday and he’s with the boys just before my bday.

 

40 minutes ago, Tala35 said:

We barely spend time together because we’re both busy with work.

 

It doesn't sound like he's invested in this relationship at all.  Why couldn't you guys celebrate your b-day the day before or after it so you could spend more time together?  I see he can do that for "the boys" why can't he do it for you.  It sounds like you guys barely spend any time together and he barely keeps in touch.  No wonder you question if he loves you.  I would too.

Edited September 6, 2022 by stillafool

[ShyViolet]

You've been dating this guy for 6 months, you haven't seen him since July and he doesn't even message you every day.  Why on earth are you torturing yourself with this messed up situation?  I'm sorry but this is not a real relationship.  You barely even see him and he's not making you a priority in his life.  It's time to end this.

[Despin]

Why not be honest with him and tell him you cry sometimes and you need a boyfriend you can rely on who won't run away when you get upset.

At least give him the opportunity before either dumping him or just accepting you'll be with a guy who you have to hide your feelings from.

 

[basil67]

 

4 hours ago, Tala35 said:

I know I cry and get hurt or worked up easily, and I feel like from what he’s said, he won’t be there for me when I’m hurt and need him the most. and I feel like from what he’s said, he won’t be there for me when I’m hurt and need him the most. And that is heart breaking. And now I have it in my mind that if I’m hurt, I have to hide it from him.

I'm going to turn this around a little.   When we cry about something a partner has done and want comfort, it sends the message "you hurt me and now I need you to comfort me".  Sometimes this is justified and sometimes it's not.  While I can certainly see the need for someone to comfort you (along with resolving the issue) if they've done something awful, I do think it's a bit much to expect comfort when you're crying or getting worked up about stuff which you've gotten 'worked up about easily'.   

I suspect the answer is twofold.  

1. Ask yourself if your relationship with him is making you cry or get worked up over major things too often.  If it is, then it's a sign that it's the wrong relationship for you.  It's no good leaning on him for support each time if the cause of the problem is that he/relationship is not meeting your needs.  

2. With respect to you "getting hurt or worked up easily", it would be smart to improve your ability to self soothe.  In all honesty, our partners don't need to know every time we are hurt.  In Australia, we have a phrase "let it through to the keeper" (or in baseball terms, it would likely be "let it through to the catcher")  Thing is, we are all human and sometimes words come out harsher than we intended, or we accidently annoy our partner, or we get disappointed that something it's going how we'd like.  But unless it's something which is really worth taking a metaphorical swing at, keeping small gripes to ourselves is actually a good thing.  Too much crying or hurt over things which aren't worth it will undermine even the most solid relationship.  Even more so when we can recognise that we are over reacting or being illogical.  In these cases, if I need to vent, I prefer to vent to a trusted friend and say "I know the way I feel is out of proportion but blah blah blah" and get it off my chest.   Of course, if none of the things you are getting upset about are small things, then it's time to end the relationship.  

Edited September 6, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

This sounds like a very lopsided relationship, OP.

You are quite invested, and he just isn't. You sound like you are barely dating, if I may be blunt. You don't see each other much, don't talk regularly, and he's made it clear he won't be an emotional support. 

At some point, this is going to fall apart simply because your expectations and commitment to each other are completely mismatched. It would be best to read the writing on the wall and part ways now, before you get even more hurt.  

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Too much crying or hurt over things which aren't worth it will undermine even the most solid relationship. 

I agree, he can be too much.  You need to learn how to self soothe yourself when you feel this happening.  No guy is going to want someone who cries all the time as it can have them walking on eggshells.

[Lotsgoingon]

Absolutely you should have that reaction to the crying comment. WTF?! Why is he so freaked out about crying. He leaves? So if you get into a car accident and get injured and you're in the hospital recovering and you cry, he's gonna leave? 

Or you have a death of a beloved family member and you grieve and you cry, he's going to leave? Are you kidding me? And look, in serious conversations with love partners, people sometimes cry. Nothing wrong with that. 

Absolutely your radar is working correctly this time--this is a major major red flag. You are not safe with someone like this. Heck key parts of a good relationship involve comforting and loving someone in pain. 

You might want to call him and tell him that you do cry sometimes and to ask for clarification, if he meant what he said--and btw: why the heck did he say that?! What prompted that. Sounds to me like a bit of a threat ... as in if you complain, I'm gone. And he drops that when he drops bad news on you, that would disappointment anyone. He drops bad news and then  wants to control your reaction. That's a lose-lose for you. 

You're right this time sister: this is a major red flag. 

[stillafool]

There's a big difference between crying when you've been seriously hurt in a car accident or the lost of a beloved family member versus just crying because your because someone said something you don't like or aren't acting the way you think they should.   Most people know the difference and act accordingly.

6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Absolutely you should have that reaction to the crying comment. WTF?! Why is he so freaked out about crying. He leaves? So if you get into a car accident and get injured and you're in the hospital recovering and you cry, he's gonna leave? 

Or you have a death of a beloved family member and you grieve and you cry, he's going to leave? Are you kidding me? And look, in serious conversations with love partners, people sometimes cry. Nothing wrong with that. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, most people are uncomfortable when partners cry about an issue in the relationship. So what?! 

We don't want to preemptively ban and shame a partner for having sad feelings in a relationship. She's supposed to promise to smile and be happy all the time?

Sure, you can manipulate people with tears, but the OP wasn't speaking of that at all. This guy was delivering a highly manipulative, controlling, dismissing, pre-emptive strike: cry and I leave. Highly controlling and self-interested. Sometimes we say something that hits a partner hard. Very hard. They might cry. So what?

Some of the most tender and healing moments of a relationship (moments that get a couple back on track and feeling very satisfied) occur when a partner cries. 

 

 

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, Tala35 said:

 the topic of someone crying came up and he said he can’t deal with that and ignored that person and leaves instantly. 

Am I being stupid? 

Not stupid, but it seems you're accepting/bonding with someone who doesn't have reasonable views/expectations WRT other people's emotional states.

If he genuinely means this, it's a very significant red flag IMO. If I heard this from a partner, and they really meant it, I would steer clear.

Edited September 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Absolutely you should have that reaction to the crying comment. WTF?! Why is he so freaked out about crying. He leaves? So if you get into a car accident and get injured and you're in the hospital recovering and you cry, he's gonna leave? 

I agree with you, albeit with a few exceptions.

Granted, if you're crying every time a nail splits, that's quite different.

Talking to your boyfriend about your strong emotions is always a good idea when you're not experiencing such strong emotions.

This isn't always possible, however.

Your hesitation about continuing a relationship if your boyfriend is going to just leave you when you're upset or crying is totally understandable.

When someone cries, it's helpful to understand that it's not always true that he does not care. Neither is that always a sign of cold-heartedness or that it is coming from a mean-spirited place.

Sometimes people are putting distance between themselves and you because of their own fears when they refuse to listen to you cry. Your guy may find it hard to deal with the emotional issues involved if he has been through some kind of trauma in the past. There is also a possibility that people will feel completely at ease crying in front of him - despite the fact that he may be hesitant to express his emotions around you. It is often the nature of men to fix things. Although you may need comfort and care, he may think that fixing the problem involves ignoring it or moving on to get over it in order to help you get over it.

Obviously, it is also very important that you examine what about this relationship brings on these storms, and whether experiencing such an emotional imbalance is healthy for you at this point in your life.

[Lotsgoingon]

Me thinks this guy was using very specific language.

"Crying" = "complaining" "objecting" "asking for something different in the relationship" and so on. 

He was basically telling you that when you are unhappy with him or some event (or cancellation), he wants you to shut up. And if you don't, he'll walk away. 

Moral of the story: you need to walk away. 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/6/2022 at 3:20 PM, Tala35 said:

it’s frustrating because I know we’re both loyal, but I know I need him here more too so I feel like he’s truly there for me. He doesn’t message daily either, when I’ve told him I want my good mornings or whatever because otherwise i won’t hear from him at all sometimes. 
 

I’ve been to his area, and he came to my city in passing so we could go on a little holiday together 

Reconsider if someone distant in geography, physical contact, emotionally and in communicating is right for you. It seems like he has a local life he is busy with  either a gf/wife, whatever. It may be best to tell him it's not working so you can be free to find a local man you can see regularly, build a relationship with and talk with in the way you would like.

[Alpacalia]

Yes, I think I am leaning in agreement with you @Lotsgoingon.

[poppyfields]

On 9/6/2022 at 11:19 AM, Tala35 said:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for only 6 months, and it hasn’t been easy at all.

This^ is as far as I got before determining (imo) it's best to just leave and find something better for you, a better fit.  

Everything after is actually irrelevant as far as I'm concerned.  Unnecessary noise. 

 @Tala35 the first six months are for observing, to determine if this person you're dating is the right "fit" for you (and vice versa) or not. 

Here, it's clear this man is not the right fit for you or you for him.  That's how it works, like two pieces of a complex puzzle (known as dating) fitting together. 

His reaction to crying?  And the rest of it?    Irrelevant.  You don’t like, you're troubled by it, it's a next. 

I won't even judge him for it, or you either for that matter for being bothered by it. 

Heck, I cry at some commercials and my hubs' reaction is to tell me a joke, get me laughing and bring me out of it.

That works for me, for us as a couple.

Another woman might take offense to it, she may consider that insensitive and need tender coddling.   

Her partner might assume her crying was a covert "cry" for attention and consider it manipulative..

It doesn't matter.  We each have our own experiences and stories to bring to the table that form the basis of our reactions.

All that matters at end of day  is what works for you, individually and as a couple.

And after only six months in, when I read "it hasn't been easy at all," it's a next.

Wish him well and walk.  

JMO, good luck whatever path you choose.

 

 

Edited September 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[S2B]

If he leaves when someone cries - he’s not going to be the guy who resolves conflict with you.

he’s not going to be capable of comforting you when something sad affects you.

are you sure he’s the right match for you? 

[BaileyB]

Indeed, even the title of the thread speaks to some rather unrealistic expectations. With kindness, I’m not sure how you love him “hardcore” after only six months, particularly if you are long distance and you haven’t spent that much time together. I personally wouldn’t get all worked up about the idea that he may not support you emotionally - you have a long way to go with this relationship before I would consider this a serious relationship.

Edited September 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

You really don't know him that well to "love him hardcore". It seems like you love the idea of a relationship. Which is fine but he's not the right guy for you.

[Alpacalia]

OP.

A boyfriend after a couple months of dating consoled me when my apartment flooded and I lost practically everything.

Yes, I cried. And he comforted me. One of the reasons I fell so deeply in love ❤️ with him.

Yes, you do have to learn how to self sooth. That much I agree with. 

So what do you plan to do?