Dating Behavior

[Logo]

Dating behavior that I don't understand:

1. In the past, I had never come across this kind of behavior. But two years ago when someone I went out with told me she had looked me up online, I started feeling very uncomfortable. It's not behavior that strikes me as healthy. Ladies, is this something that you do on a regular basis? Do you go online and start looking up the guy's name, try to find as much as possible about him? Is that normal?

Don't you think all the paranoia and distrust is just going to poison the proverbial well between you two once you're in a relationship?

2. Why do women ask about a man's dating history? If you don't trust him or anyone without giving them the benefit of the doubt, then why do you trust that he's going to tell you the truth anyway? What do you hope to learn? And, who cares what his dating or romantic history is? Relationships are between two people, no two are the same.

Dating is a process of learning, and getting to know the other person. But people these days act as though there are shortcuts, they want to conduct the equivalent of a job interview, a urine test and a background check. It strikes me as extremely abnormal, and immature. It is not sexy or romantic by any means.

Edited September 6, 2022 by Logo

[Despin]

No, the distrust isn't going to poison the proverbial well.

No, it's not paranoia.

Asking a date questions about their history, and listening to what they say, how they answer, whether or not they're evasive or they contradict themselves can tell you a lot, even if the person isn't being honest.

You're not being realistic.

There's a lot of deceptive and downright sick in the head people out there and lots of them go on dates.

 

[Brian1223]

2 hours ago, Logo said:

Dating behavior that I don't understand:

1. In the past, I had never come across this kind of behavior. But two years ago when someone I went out with told me she had looked me up online, I started feeling very uncomfortable. It's not behavior that strikes me as healthy. Ladies, is this something that you do on a regular basis? Do you go online and start looking up the guy's name, try to find as much as possible about him? Is that normal?

Don't you think all the paranoia and distrust is just going to poison the proverbial well between you two once you're in a relationship?

2. Why do women ask about a man's dating history? If you don't trust him or anyone without giving them the benefit of the doubt, then why do you trust that he's going to tell you the truth anyway? What do you hope to learn? And, who cares what his dating or romantic history is? Relationships are between two people, no two are the same.

Dating is a process of learning, and getting to know the other person. But people these days act as though there are shortcuts, they want to conduct the equivalent of a job interview, a urine test and a background check. It strikes me as extremely abnormal, and immature. It is not sexy or romantic by any means.

1. Surely a lot of women do this (She was just silly enough to mention it 🤣). I do - because i'm naturally a curious person, plus also would like to weed out any of those with a criminal history that a 30 second google search presents. 

2. Asking about dating history is extremely normal, and can be quite important. You can weed out any red flags with a persons response to this question. E;G: your thought process on asking a mans dating history is a red flag to me. What have you got to hide? Don't need to know the in depth details but a brief overview of dating history is important. 

Dating is a process of learning, absolutely. However, there are that many weirdo's and sickos out there that if you can gather a little information without having to play detective then you can save yourself a lot of time and effort that could potentially be wasted on someone that a quick google/socials search would have provided the answer, that they weren't worth pursuing. 

Good luck with your dating ventures. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Logo said:

Dating behavior that I don't understand:

1. In the past, I had never come across this kind of behavior. But two years ago when someone I went out with told me she had looked me up online, I started feeling very uncomfortable. It's not behavior that strikes me as healthy. Ladies, is this something that you do on a regular basis? Do you go online and start looking up the guy's name, try to find as much as possible about him? Is that normal?

Don't you think all the paranoia and distrust is just going to poison the proverbial well between you two once you're in a relationship?

2. Why do women ask about a man's dating history? If you don't trust him or anyone without giving them the benefit of the doubt, then why do you trust that he's going to tell you the truth anyway? What do you hope to learn? And, who cares what his dating or romantic history is? Relationships are between two people, no two are the same.

Dating is a process of learning, and getting to know the other person. But people these days act as though there are shortcuts, they want to conduct the equivalent of a job interview, a urine test and a background check. It strikes me as extremely abnormal, and immature. It is not sexy or romantic by any means.

Hi @LogoI agree with you.  It's one reason why I disabled my social media presence a few years ago.  

Dating now has become so impersonal and with OLDing, people have become quite entitled to know all (or much of) what there is to know about you before you even meet!

Your dating history, what you're looking for long term, do you want marriage, how many kids do you want.  Checking items off your list like you're grocery shopping. 

I met my husband on-line but the things we learned about each other were discovered spontaneously and naturally during our dates and chatting in between. 

I treated on-line dating the same way I treated men I met in real life, no snooping around or checking socials; honest to god truth I never had any desire to do that, I cannot stand social media. 

When getting to know, I trusted my own intuition and judgment, and yes I've certainly encountered my share of weirdos!

And I don't consider myself "old school" either, I simply dislike. 

Couples have broken up because of what they discovered on SM, often times misinterpreted.

I read an article awhile back about how FB and other social media has become the devil and has destroyed many relationships.

So I'm with you although I contend we are in the minority. 

 

 

 

Edited September 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Logo]

24 minutes ago, Brian1223 said:

You can weed out any red flags with a persons response to this question. E;G: your thought process on asking a mans dating history is a red flag to me. What have you got to hide?

Brian, that proves my point though. It's no different than claiming that everyone has a right to listen in on your phone calls. If you're doing nothing illegal and have nothing to hide, then what's the problem? Start streaming your every call online. I'm just exaggerating to make a point. But the issue is no different here. It's the presumption that the need to have some modicum of an organic interaction is tantamount to deception that is precisely the problem. There it is, in black and white, you asked me, "what have you got to hide?" The answer is, "nothing". I just don't think it's indicative of anything in a new relationship. If Jim and Sally were in a relationship, then broke up because things went sideways and they argued a lot, it doesn't mean that when Jim meets Wendy and Sally meets Henry, that both relationships are doomed from the start. But that's how these questions come across, and that's how some of the women I dated act. What's next? Are they going to do some comparison shopping or read buyer/seller reviews on an ebay? People want to be treated like human beings, not like merchandise.

Besides, a good liar will always be a good liar, regardless of how good of a detective everyone in the dating world likes to think he or she is these days.

To each their own. This isn't a debate that will be settled in a few sentences.

Edited September 7, 2022 by Logo

[Lotsgoingon]

I assume EVERYONE does this, checks to see if they can learn something about the person online.

And if they don't do it before the date, if they like you they will certainly look you up afterwards. There's nothing wrong with that. It's usually just a basic reassurance that the other person isn't a serial killer. Also just curiosity and reasonable curiosity given how much we are online.

Dating is important to people. Why wouldn't they research the other person online? You do know there are all kinds of liars out there right?

[Logo]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You do know there are all kinds of liars out there right?

Of course, but I didn't go into the dating world with the assumption that the entire prison population broke out and went on dating apps. It's the rationale and overall paranoia that bugs me. I'll give you another example. I was once contacted by a woman who wanted to know my handles on social media. When I gave her that information, she wrote me back saying "Oh my gawd, you have no followers". She blocked me and ghosted me. Do you see how immature that is? It blows my mind that people don't live in the real world anymore and instead act as though whatever is online is some kind of background check. It's the silliest thing when you think about it.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Logo said:

I was once contacted by a woman who wanted to know my handles on social media. When I gave her that information, she wrote me back saying "Oh my gawd, you have no followers". She blocked me and ghosted me. 

Lol, sorry but yes that IS ridiculous and I hope you learned from.it.

Never give out your social media or other private information to anyone before you've met and are regularly dating. 

You're just asking for trouble by doing that imo.

[Alpacalia]

I have not looked up past dates, but I have been lucky in that I have not had a problem. 

Try to consider what's really at the core of their questions.

A person who asks you about past relationships probably wants to know 'why someone would not want to be with you' or 'why would you not want to be with someone.' For instance, some people feel it's important to share with prospective partners if they're in close contact with exes. If that's the case, I would tell your date you are proud of your friendship with your ex, but reconciliation is unlikely.

Ultimately, decide what feels right.

That may be an individual decision or something that you both decide together.

Honesty is best, but you don't have to reveal every detail. You can get to know each other now instead of talking about your pasts. The subject of an ex-partner will inevitably arise, providing the perfect opportunity to talk about them. 

Them preferring more information and knowing what they're getting into is for their own safety and security. All we can do is just try to be sensitive both to our own needs and to those of others. We all have the option to back away and protect ourselves repeatedly, whether it is online or in general social interactions. 

Edited September 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

I think you're being really unrealistic and over the top about this.  It's very normal to look people up online, and I believe most people do it.  In today's world, everything is online and many people have a big social media presence.  Looking someone up online isn't an invasion of privacy, no it's not immature.  If something weird or concerning came up about the person I'd want to know that before dating them.  I am just talking about some light googling or looking up on social media, not like conducting a background check or something.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, I have no idea how old you are.  I work with young people (18 to 20ish) and I can tell you that they look up EVERYONE they are even thinking of asking on a date and certainly anyone they are going on a date with. Absolutely they all do this. 

For my job there are actually reviews and ratings of me posted online. They're not prominent. You would need to do a little digging, but not much. I KNOW friends of mine have read my reviews. Several of them told me this. Why wouldn't they? 

BTW: you absolutely have been looked up before by every woman who knew your name that you've gone on a date with. I can guarantee you that. They just didn't tell you. And talk to any of your guy friends, and I say again that all of them (now if you're over 40 ... this changes) ... but if you're in your 20's, every man woman and nonbinary person there is will read about an upcoming date online. 

Edited September 7, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

Back when I last dated 30 years ago, we didn't have the option to look them up online.  But if they had a mutual friend, it was not uncommon to ask what they knew of the person.  It was the old fashioned way of looking them up.  I once broke up with a guy because of what a mutual acquaintance told me about him.   When I did the breakup talk (I gave no reason why), the ex wanted to know who I'd been talking with.  His response left me wondering how many enemies he had 😳.  And it turned out that mum didn't like him anyway, so ending with him was the right choice.

Asking about history is something I've always done.  Not in terms of interrogation, but rather, I'm naturally curious (but not jealous) and like to know about a person.  I want to know about the places they've been, the funny stories from their past, and I'm fine if he says he went to X venue with an ex.   

More so, how they speak about the ex is really important.

3 hours ago, Logo said:

If Jim and Sally were in a relationship, then broke up because things went sideways and they argued a lot.....

This is actually a really good example, and there's so many things which this comment can tell a prospective date.  If they say exactly this as quoted, I'd be OK with it, on the proviso that he doesn't go slagging off other exes too.  Other variations of the same conversation could be:

1. Jim says that while things started out well with Sally, but they just didn't see eye to eye on a number of issues: Discreet, non blaming: I'd go ahead

2. Jim says that Sally argued with everything he said and made him feel terrible too often: Victim mindset, not discreet, not owning his own contributions to the issues.  Next.

3. Jim says that every women he's ever dated hurt him or took his money:  100% fail. Victim mindset, blames others for everything, no self reflection.  Next

4. Jim says that he's seriously dated a few nice women, but it didn't work out for various reasons: Discreet, speaks respectfully of exes, doesn't have a history of fighting.  I'd go ahead.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Logo said:

. It strikes me as extremely abnormal, and immature. It is not sexy or romantic by any means.

You may have to accept it as a fact of life now. Everyone Googles everything. It's a product of social media, online dating, phone in hand 24/7, etc.

It's not intended to be sexy. But if a woman is going to have sex with you she may wish to know if you are married, have a criminal record, etc. 

If you have nothing to hide and your internet presence is ok then just relax. Google yourself and see what happens.

Not everyone wants to jump in before looking.

[Despin]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I read an article awhile back about how FB and other social media has become the devil and has destroyed many relationshis.

 

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi @LogoI agree with you.  It's one reason why I disabled my social media presence a few years ago. 

I'd really like to see come examples of that. I'd expect that those who have been dishonest and have things to hide could really lose big time as a result of their personal lives being plastered on social media.

But upfront honest men and women such as myself?

No way. They can look at anything the want, there won't be any surprises. My life is an open book.

Those who have been "destroyed by the Devil" that is social media wouldn't have lasted anyway- sooner or later the truth comes out. And if it was a "misunderstanding" well that points to serious communication problems and that in of itself is the downfall of many relationships.

I mean jeez- you see something (that isn't actually what it appears to be) on social media that upsets you about your partner- and you dump him or her without looking for answers? There's real problems there.

 

[BrinnM]

I haven’t online dated in a long while, but when I did, I didn’t snoop much, either. There was one guy, though, who kind of looked too good to be true on the screen, and I got curious. So I googled his name and there were local news articles about him that didn’t look too promising. Some domestic violence charges and court records came up, so some online research can be a blessing on occasion. OTOH, you never know…..he could’ve been accused despite being innocent. And he may have deserved a chance. But to me, this was a hard no. 

[poppyfields]

@Despin social media causes tons of problems, just read some of the threads here!

What folks see on their partner's FB or IG, or other SM and drawing conclusions from it.  They confront their partner, he/she denies or tries to justify or turns it around on them for snooping.

Agree trust was never there in the first place so perhaps it's moot however sometimes what's found can be innocent and mean nothing.

But damage is done and it's never (or rarely) the same.  Trust is broken and it's the beginning of the end. 

Stick around you will see many threads like this.

You might think a simple google search is harmless but in this day and age with identity fraud not to mention stalkers and others who want to get into your or your family's personal business before they have earned that right is an invasion of privacy imho and unsafe. 

My FB for example was hacked into years ago and the information was used by the person to create another account on a different site using my info. 

I discovered an ex boyfriend did this, he also stalked me. It became a huge PITA to say the least. 

I disabled my FB account after that. and my IG.

I agree most everyone uses SM and before even meeting will google the person to discover info. 

I find it creepy. I know I am in the minority on that and people can think I've got something to hide or draw other conclusions from it, I don't care. 

It's no one's business and if they want to know things about me, or about my family, all they need to do is ask. 

I feel pretty strongly about this as you can see.  I am a fiercely  private person and a huge believer in communicating with one's own partner.

That said, I do admit to using the 'reverse email seach' on a man I had been briefly dating who I got very bad vibes from. 

I chose to stop seeing him.

Afterwards, I used the reverse email search and discovered that he was actually a woman! 😳

So my bad vibes were correct and the search I did confirmed. 

So in that sense, it can be useful. 

Again I know I am in the minority and not judging others, it's just the way it is now and it's perfectly legal. 

I simply don't like it, it's my own personal thing. 

 

 

 

[smackie9]

In the old days, most people met their dates through friends/family/coworkers/their job/college. Women have to protect themselves these days when meeting up with complete strangers. It's a no brainer to look into someone's background. You not being a woman don't know what it's like being one and the sexual harassment/assaults/domestic violence we have endured through some parts of our lives. It's a constant back of your mind of being targeted/pursued/followed. 

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You not being a woman don't know what it's like being one and the sexual harassment/assaults/domestic violence we have endured through some parts of our lives. It's a constant back of your mind of being targeted/pursued/followed. 

@smackie9see my previous post but I have been harassed and stalked by someone who found information about me from checking MY social media. 

So it goes both ways. Anyone can discover personal things about you too and while nothing nefarious, it can be used against you. 

Criminal records ae typically sealed but nevertheless if one is so suspicious and distrustful that they feel they need to check background before even meeting, perhaps they shouldn't be dating? 

Again just my personal feeling about it. 

[introverted1]

If people are going to share their opinions, interests, habits, and conversations on social media, it's fair game for someone else to look them up.  If you don't want that information publicly available, don't make it public.

In addition, dating has changed for many people. Instead of meeting a prospective partner through a friend, or shared class or workplace, many (most?) are turning to dating apps. As such, the only commonality people have is their social media, especially when many dating apps allow people to connect their SM accounts/pictures.  It stands to reason that people are going to do a quick google search of a prospective date.

[poppyfields]

One can have no social media presence and still people can discover private information about you and your family from Google and other search engines through no fault of your own.

The internet has your name, your job, your job's address, current address, previous addresses, family members, there is so much out there about you.

Years ago I had a man I had chatted on line with once come to my office uninvited to meet me.  He found my info by googling me.  My bad for giving him my name. 

I was so embarrassed, another huge PITA.

Edited September 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Despin]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@Despin social media causes tons of problems, just read some of the threads here!

What folks see on their partner's FB or IG, or other SM and drawing conclusions from it.  They confront their partner, he/she denies or tries to justify or turns it around on them for snooping.

 

We are in agreement, even though your post seems to be to the contrary.

Social media doesn't cause the problems it REVEALS them.

It can be a real timesaver.

Although you've been stalked on Social Media- but that's a different topic entirely.

 

 

[BrinnM]

6 minutes ago, Despin said:

Social media doesn't cause the problems it REVEALS them.

Yes, to an extent, maybe; but there are also so many websites out there that garner false or outdated information, and that stuff can really mislead everybody who’s looking. Like there are websites that provide information on somebody’s net worth that’s more often than not completely incorrect, just to name one example. So it’s definitely a double edged sword. A blessing and a curse. 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Despin said:

Although you've been stalked on Social Media- but that's a different topic entirely.

Yes I've been stalked on social media but to clarify I've also been harassed and stalked in real life  from information found on my social media.  And Google. 

Which is why or one reason why I disabled it and have no social media presence anymore.  Google I have no control over. 

My friends and family have my private email and mobile and we talk and share photos and info that way, privately. 

Just my personal preference; fortunately my hubs feels same. 

Edited September 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

I think there are valid arguments to both sides.

It is certainly a valid reason for someone not to use social media for safety reasons. To ensure their safety, people prefer to Google their date so that they are able to verify that the person in front of them is who they claim to be.

I think also that some people may go too far digging for information.

That's when it can cross the proverbial creepy line.

Online research is quite common, so you shouldn't be embarrassed about doing it, though not everyone will be pleased with the revelation. 

[Calmandfocused]

I want to know about a man’s dating history. A brief overview at least. Why? 
 

Im a narcissist magnet and I’ve learnt through my research and experience that a narc can reveal subtle clues about who they really are very early on in the dating process. 
 

One clue is how they talk about their exes. If they make out their ex(s) are the devil incarnate, that they are the victim, and take no responsibility for the relationship breakdown whatsoever this is a massive clue. Even if my date is not a narc this behaviour tells me they are not emotionally healed. Red Flag! 
 

If I pick up on this early on I’m out the door quicker than you can say “Bob’s your uncle”.