Dating Behavior

[Logo]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

In the old days, most people met their dates through friends/family/coworkers/their job/college. Women have to protect themselves these days when meeting up with complete strangers. It's a no brainer to look into someone's background. You not being a woman don't know what it's like being one and the sexual harassment/assaults/domestic violence we have endured through some parts of our lives. It's a constant back of your mind of being targeted/pursued/followed. 

[ ]  While men can be abusers, physical abusers, women are no different, except they do it on a more insidious level.

As a man, I can unequivocally tell you that I have faced manipulation, deception and emotional abuse by women in the past, experiences that have left me with some deep permanent scars. Experiences that have changed me forever. I MISS the old me.

[ ]

Edited September 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Logo]

5 hours ago, introverted1 said:

If people are going to share their opinions, interests, habits, and conversations on social media, it's fair game for someone else to look them up.  If you don't want that information publicly available, don't make it public.

 

4 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Yes, to an extent, maybe; but there are also so many websites out there that garner false or outdated information, and that stuff can really mislead everybody who’s looking. Like there are websites that provide information on somebody’s net worth that’s more often than not completely incorrect, just to name one example. So it’s definitely a double edged sword. A blessing and a curse. 

There is a website that lists me as married, even though I have never been married. I trust that a smart person would actually not go by some shady website's information and actually bother to ask me. But what if they don't? What if they're not smart enough to think, "Is this information reliable? What if it's not?" Then it's a blessing in disguise.

The problem is that most people trust information online, regardless of the source.

Edited September 7, 2022 by Logo

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Logo said:

There is a website that lists me as married, even though I have never been married.

 How did that happen? Is your name common or very uncommon? Contact them to correct it.

In fact there are services that remove your data from the internet and search engines.

[introverted1]

18 minutes ago, Logo said:

 

There is a website that lists me as married, even though I have never been married. I trust that a smart person would actually not go by some shady website's information and actually bother to ask me. But what if they don't? What if they're not smart enough to think, "Is this information reliable? What if it's not?" Then it's a blessing in disguise.

The problem is that most people trust information online, regardless of the source.

I was referring to SM in my post, not sites like Been Verified or other aggregator sites.  On the latter, there is a way to have yourself removed, although it can be tedious.  If a site (or sites) has you incorrectly listed as being married, I would contact them to find out the source of the data and try to have it corrected.  Most of the aggregator sites are pulling from public records, so this is something you'd want to have corrected for a multitude of reasons. You can also sign up for identity protection services, most of which will help you remove incorrect data (and possibly even find the source).

The flip side to all this is that there is a significant enough number of people who are lying (at best) or scamming (at worst) others, so many people feel it's prudent to do a quick internet search of a prospect.  Discovering that the person you plan to go on a date with is married is a exactly the reason people do these searches.

[poppyfields]

My dating philosophy was always go in trusting until they give you reason not to.  That attitude always worked well for me.

When you utilize both the logical and emotional sides of your brain, focusing on actions and keeping eyes wide open and observing, it’s quite easy to determine whether or not someone is married or not who they claim to be without going behind their back to conduct a background search or any other type of internet search.

Also, the problem with internet searches as @Logo stated is much of this information is inaccurate so honestly I don’t even see the point.

And worse yet, people believe what they read on the internet and make all sorts of judgments about the person without taking the time to get to know the person themselves.

@Logo, it’s a sad state when websites show you as married and the women searching you reject you for it, again without taking the time to get to know you, the man.  I know for a fact spokeo.com publishes inaccurate information, beenverified.com does as well. 

So why bother even checking is what I am wondering.  Hell, why bother even dating if you're so distrustful of people.

And the other one earlier who looked at your IG and rejected you for not having followers?

Huge bullet dodged there, I wouldn't even consider that a loss. 

The opposite, it was a blessing and perhaps you should be thanking IG for that one!  

Edited September 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

59 minutes ago, Logo said:

There is a website that lists me as married, even though I have never been married. I trust that a smart person would actually not go by some shady website's information and actually bother to ask me. But what if they don't? What if they're not smart enough to think, "Is this information reliable? What if it's not?" Then it's a blessing in disguise.

The problem is that most people trust information online, regardless of the source.

For better or worse, times have changed and we have to deal with it as best we can.  In the case of this misinformation, I'd be getting the source corrected.  I'd want to make sure that all the information out there represents me accurately.  Just as I would if I were looking for a job and found misinformation out there about my work history.

We have posters here at LS who've ended up finding out that their romantic interest is married.  If they said that they ignored the information about them being married because the romantic interest said it's untrue, they'd receive strong responses about how people can lie.  Now that we are no longer mostly dating friends of friends, I think it's very understandable that some try to get an idea of who it is they may be meeting

 

[Despin]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So why bother even checking is what I am wondering.  Hell, why bother even dating if you're so distrustful of people.

When I'm single and dating I trust no one. I expect to be deceived on multiple levels, because it's happened so many times.

That much being said, I go into dating expecting that there are in fact a small percentage of people who are straightforward and honest like I am, and I've been lucky to meet a handful over the years and had some amazing, safisifying and fulfilling relationships.

But they are the exception, not the rule.

I expect disappointment, in other words to my self I underpromise and occasionally over deliver.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Logo said:

There is a website that lists me as married, even though I have never been married. I trust that a smart person would actually not go by some shady website's information and actually bother to ask me. But what if they don't? What if they're not smart enough to think, "Is this information reliable? What if it's not?" Then it's a blessing in disguise.

The problem is that most people trust information online, regardless of the source.

Right but you're asking someone that does not know you to trust that what you're telling them is gospel.

It's the same reason I tend to distrust people that I don't know saying "I'm honest and straightforward."

Really? I'm going to take your word for it? No. I'll take your word for it after you've demonstrated that you're honest and trustworthy.

[smackie9]

17 hours ago, Logo said:

[ ]  While men can be abusers, physical abusers, women are no different, except they do it on a more insidious level.

As a man, I can unequivocally tell you that I have faced manipulation, deception and emotional abuse by women in the past, experiences that have left me with some deep permanent scars. Experiences that have changed me forever. I MISS the old me.

[ ]

Those are you knowing the abuser...for women it also includes random strangers that found opportunity to grope, expose themselves/follow/stalk just walking to our car, creepy coworker/sexual harassment etc. I have lots of stories to tell what's happened to me starting at age 10. 

[Alpacalia]

31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Those are you knowing the abuser...for women it also includes random strangers that found opportunity to grope, expose themselves/follow/stalk just walking to our car, creepy coworker/sexual harassment etc. I have lots of stories to tell what's happened to me starting at age 10. 

Agree.

Which would make it all the more reasonable for someone to WANT to know more information about the person they are potentially meeting .

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Those are you knowing the abuser...for women it also includes random strangers that found opportunity to grope, expose themselves/follow/stalk just walking to our car, creepy coworker/sexual harassment etc. I have lots of stories to tell what's happened to me starting at age 10. 

I've had similar experiences (worse) however not sure what you'll find by conducting an internet search.  

Criminal records are typically sealed to the public at large, including domestic violence, assaults, or other types of abuse.

Unless you want to conduct an all-inclusive background search which isn't cheap and I would think cumbersome to do before meeting every man from on line.  Or even in real life for that matter. 

I suppose if they were charged with sexual harassment in the workplace in a civil action,  you could discover that. 

Then again, someone's record could be 100% clean and they could turn out to be an emotionally unbalanced sociopath.

It's all a risk no matter how you slice and dice.  

That's why, at least my opinion, when you first meet and begin dating it's best to pay attention, stay grounded, keep eyes wide open and use your powers of perception and intuitive ability to either wean people out or continue dating.

Judge by their actions.  I read too many stories of people refusing to see what's there, ignoring obvious red flags and that's what gets them into trouble imo.

To each their own though, we all do what's best for us and if searching prior to meeting helps you feel safe or safer, then that's fine.

Whatever works. 

 

Edited September 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

On dating history, really that has to be revealed over time.

People can spin all kinds of narratives that bear little relationship to the truth. Dating history--the real story--has to emerge over time. Some information you can't get from a date. Same set of facts can have very different meanings. 

 

 

[bene]

A basic google search of public data is just common sense in my opinion. Some make it sound like it’s equal to showing up to someone’s workplace unannounced or hiding in the bushes in their backyard!

Dating history is a different story, I don’t think people should talk too much about their exes. It can come across as not being over the ex or carrying a chip on your shoulder. Just general information “I lived with X for Y years” is more than enough in the beginning.
 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, bene said:

Some make it sound like it’s equal to showing up to someone’s workplace unannounced

Lol, this^ did happen to me after guy did a simple Google search.  See my previous post. 

Just sayin. 😄

Edited September 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 9/6/2022 at 5:36 PM, Logo said:

1. Do you go online and start looking up the guy's name, try to find as much as possible about him? Is that normal?

2. Why do women ask about a man's dating history? If you don't trust him or anyone without giving them the benefit of the doubt, then why do you trust that he's going to tell you the truth anyway? What do you hope to learn? And, who cares what his dating or romantic history is? Relationships are between two people, no two are the same.

Dating is a process of learning, and getting to know the other person. But people these days act as though there are shortcuts, they want to conduct the equivalent of a job interview, a urine test and a background check. It strikes me as extremely abnormal, and immature. It is not sexy or romantic by any means.

1. Is just a fact of life nowadays. Nothing "abnormal" about it.

2.Agree. Keep this simple and factual. Married/divorced? Lived with someone. How long ago the breakup was. Are they living with an "ex".

It's fine to examine enough to decide what someone's deal-breakers/red flags are. Because it's better to say adios early on than get in too deep only to find out they live with an "ex" or a have 3 divorces behind them or live in their car or some other reason not to continue.

3. You should be doing the same. Do you want to date people living with an "ex" or a parolee or unemployed, for example?

It's not "sexy" to do some homework if you just want to go on chemistry and hop in bed, but if you plan on seeing someone again you do want to look before you leap.

Edited September 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

59 minutes ago, bene said:

A basic google search of public data is just common sense in my opinion. 

That was the whole point of this thread.

This thread of course has turned into the focus of someone/something else.

It's probably not a good idea to assert that our own experiences are "worse" than others' as earlier mentioned.

I understand that it's appropriate to judge someone based on the present. If someone is interested in finding out if someone is married by doing a quick search online, for example, then there is no reason that we ought to judge them for that nor vehemently attempt to convince someone that it's better to put blind trust in others.

Choosing to trust is a personal decision, not one made by another.

Edited September 8, 2022 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

@Logo I want to bring this back to you.  Do you feel that people doing searches online is making it harder for you to date?  Or is it a case of you simply being frustrated that people do it?  

A look at your posting history shows that you are getting dates, however that you have a number of complaints and this indicates that you could be feeling jaded. Is this a fair conclusion?   If so, I wonder if you need a break.  

[Goodguy05]

On 9/7/2022 at 7:36 AM, Logo said:

Dating behavior that I don't understand:

1. In the past, I had never come across this kind of behavior. But two years ago when someone I went out with told me she had looked me up online, I started feeling very uncomfortable. It's not behavior that strikes me as healthy. Ladies, is this something that you do on a regular basis? Do you go online and start looking up the guy's name, try to find as much as possible about him? Is that normal?

Don't you think all the paranoia and distrust is just going to poison the proverbial well between you two once you're in a relationship?

2. Why do women ask about a man's dating history? If you don't trust him or anyone without giving them the benefit of the doubt, then why do you trust that he's going to tell you the truth anyway? What do you hope to learn? And, who cares what his dating or romantic history is? Relationships are between two people, no two are the same.

Dating is a process of learning, and getting to know the other person. But people these days act as though there are shortcuts, they want to conduct the equivalent of a job interview, a urine test and a background check. It strikes me as extremely abnormal, and immature. It is not sexy or romantic by any means.

Yeah I agree with all your points above. I can't stand when a woman asks me questions about my past and then when I open up they have an opinion about it. And I'm history so I keep it very vague now

[smackie9]

Where I live, someone's criminal court history and pending cases are a matter of public record. It shows what they are arrested for and some details about outcome. My husband looks up this stuff all the time on people. It's not as private as you may think. 

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Where I live, someone's criminal court history and pending cases are a matter of public record. It shows what they are arrested for and some details about outcome. My husband looks up this stuff all the time on people. It's not as private as you may think. 

You're right, I stand corrected.  In order to seal records, there must be a formal request made and a court hearing.  Otherwise, it's public. 

Apologies for posting inaccurate info. 

I still think checking before meeting every man you chat with or go on a date with could become quite cumbersome but better safe than sorry I suppose. 

I don't think there is a right or wrong about this. 

Some people like myself (and OP?) are very private (even when nothing to hide), others not so much. 

I think both sides are worthy of respect and just because it's "what people do," that doesn't necessarily mean everyone has to like it or approve of it. 

Accept?  Yes.  

Like? No.

Life goes on either way. 

 

Edited September 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

You're right, I stand corrected.  In order to seal records, there must be a formal request made and a court hearing.  Otherwise, it's public. 

Apologies for posting inaccurate info. 

I still think checking before meeting every man you chat with or go on a date with could become quite cumbersome but better safe than sorry I suppose. 

I don't think there is a right or wrong about this. 

Some people like myself (and OP?) are very private (even when nothing to hide), others not so much. 

I think both sides are worthy of respect and just because it's "what people do," that doesn't necessarily mean everyone has to like it or approve of it. 

Accept?  Yes.  

Like? No.

Life goes on either way. 

 

Some would for sure would find it cumbersome, some are addicted to searching, everyone has their own take on a situation right? If I started to see someone a lot I would. I would at least would want to rule out if they are a sex offender 😬 

[Alpacalia]

OP.

As noted earlier, I have not looked up past dates before dates.

I find inconsistencies to be more telling than anything else ^^^.

Sometimes it can be intentional and sometimes not.

I find it to be one of the first steps towards developing mutual trust and loyalty.

At least that's been the case in my friendships and romantic relationships.

Plus, I have a memory like an elephant. 😂

In light of the things you mention, what causes you discomfort?

Edited September 10, 2022 by Alpacalia