Ghosting

[PayalP]

I started following a guy on Instagram who’s content I found very good, as he had the same interests in life (Single Parent, Food & Fitness)

We started talking randomly and then exchanged numbers. As months went past we only communicated by message and then came to develop an attraction to each other. We both came to a discussion that we should meet one day in person, but I wasn’t fully ready as I was separated with my partner and to yet to file divorce as we were waiting for No Fault Divorce to come into effect this year. Just only recently we finally met in person, 1stmeeting & 2nd meeting was great and then planned a 3rd meeting, in which we ended up getting physical sexually.

After the 3rd meet up, we exchanged one or two messages how we enjoyed our time and to do it again soon however I came to a realisation that he stopped looking at my Instagram stories, normally he would be the 1st person to view them all the time and he would view all my stories in the day. So clearly the person has muted me, from seeing my stories, when clearly he is still active on his stories and posting.

I asked my friend to investigate his Active profile, none of his close friends are listed on his Active Public profile (potentially he could of blocked them all – my friend funnily enough knew of his ex-wife and friends), around 70% of people he follows are females and discovered he also has a personal private Instagram account.

I am a strong, independent, Single Mother, however obviously now my emotions are everywhere, I kind of knew what I was going into (spotted a few red flags) but what upsets me the most I shared a few semimetal things about my life for eg my son, IVF etc. even though he was very open about is life too at times. After this experience I have learnt my lesson but when I am ready to start dating or meeting new people I will find it hard to trust anyone!

Has anyone ever been ghosted? Is this form of Ghosting closure as they got what they wanted or that they don’t want to catch any feelings?
Or maybe didn’t want to pursue further, as other options were available or he is still in love with his ex-wife?
Why can’t some men just be honest and speak up? Should I just ask him what the issue is?

Finally – It is crazy how Social Media can impact an individual’s mental health!
Thank you

[BrinnM]

Yeah - generally speaking, way too many people are way too immersed in social media, and to use it for dating seems even weirder to me. I would stay away from it completely, but I also understand that most ppl don’t, especially people under 40 /50.

We don’t know the reason why that guy suddenly ghosted you, but yes it’s pretty common these days, unfortunately. Nobody really wants to make an effort anymore, esp when it comes to ending something. I’m assuming that he just made an effort until he reached his goal (sex). Now he’s exploring greener pastures with other single moms. He wasn’t smitten enough to continue, or he found the sex bland, or both. Or he just doesn’t “do” committed relationships/exclusive dating.
 

Either way, it’s a risk you took, and the outcome wasn’t ideal for you, but I’m sure you went into it with eyes wide open. 
I am sure you have been in his shoes before, or let’s say in a similar pair of shoes, where you spent a few dates with a guy and then found out that it wasn’t for you. Then you had to break it off, even if the guy might have really liked you. You may have told him, face to face, or during a phone call, because you’re not a coward, and because you have manners, but the end result is the same.
 

You just did not do it for him. Happens! Next steps: Ignore & move on!

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, PayalP said:

Is this form of Ghosting closure as they got what they wanted or that they don’t want to catch any feelings?

Usually the former. 

You have to keep in mind that you two are not dating, and have no commitments to each other. So, he is likely also speaking to and seeing (and possibly sleeping with) other women he met on social media. It stings, but it's a lesson not to get too deeply into your feelings over a man you've only met a couple times. 

4 hours ago, PayalP said:

Why can’t some men just be honest and speak up?

Age-old question. If you spend enough time on these boards, you will see that this happens all the time. No, it's not the mature way to back out of something but it's very common, especially with people one meets online. 

4 hours ago, PayalP said:

Should I just ask him what the issue is?

You could, but there's no telling if you will get a straight answer. He might just say he's not ready for a relationship,  that he's "busy", or he might not even reply at all. Would you able to put this all behind you, if you got some such reply? Or no reply? 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, PayalP said:

 I wasn’t fully ready as I was separated with my partner and to yet to file divorce as we were waiting for No Fault Divorce to come into effect this year. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you're in the throes of divorce, lonely but not ready to date and therefore got into this situation and unfortunately overshared way too much information with the man. For example discussing your fertility with this guy is simply TMI.

Step way back and perhaps reflect and regroup. Consider talking to a therapist (rather than sliding into social media dms) to unpack and sort out the fallout from your divorce.

[Bubble_20]

Yes unfortunately this happens a lot. Often people have two or three meets ups (sex or not) and just decide the other person isn’t for them. 
Rather than come right out and say it and hurt the other person, they hope the communication just fizzles out. 
Although it feels like it right now, this is no reflection on you as a person and he probably had a great time. 

I have to agree with what has been said though in that you shared a lot of personal info early on in your ‘dates’. It’s easy to do when you feel you have ‘clicked’ with someone but maybe hold back a little next time. 
Yeah, social media is awful too. It’s too easy to check on people and then imagine all kinds of things about the person. It won’t be good for your emotional well-being right now!

You could send a friendly text to offer another date and watch his response. Slow to reply, excuses about being busy or no reply at all should give you your answer. However, he might not want to hurt your feelings and flip flop with promises to meet up again… without actually making a plan.

 

[Alpacalia]

Is there a reason this is thread is posted in the "Other Man/Woman" section?

In any event, sorry about that.

The two of you met, had sex, and then he turned cold immediately after. You did nothing wrong. You slept with a guy. That’s natural. Nothing wrong with you. Just move on. Take it as an experience to learn from.

It is safe to share only when YOU are ready and when YOU want, so that you can make sure the person you TRUST IS SAFE, and you are getting a trustworthy response to this sensitive information. I know sometimes when conversing with someone and they share something about themselves that it can feel like a normal reaction to respond in kind with something about ourselves. Don't feel like you have to.

If you are dating someone regularly and consistently, let them earn the right to know these sensitive parts about you.

[introverted1]

Did the two of you talk about exclusivity or a relationship before you slept together? 

Most often, what typically happens is that one person thinks sex is a step in developing a stronger bond whereas the other person did not see it that way.  Or perhaps was open to it but was disappointed with the reality.  It's impossible to say.

That's a long answer to say that it is not uncommon for people to have sex quickly only to find that one of the people doesn't want to continue. As for ghosting, no one on the receiving end likes it, but many people find it easier to fade away than to explicitly state that they no longer have interest, especially when it's only been 3 dates.  It's not nice but it is its own kind of closure.

Stop watching this guy's Instagram.  He knows where to find you in the (unlikely) event he wants to reach out.  Continuing to view his stories, friends, etc., is just going to make you upset.

[Weezy1973]

Getting too invested early can certainly lead to burnout. He lost interest and ghosted. There nothing here to impact your trust levels when dating. Losing interest in someone during the dating process is pretty common. Whether someone stops dating you by ghosting, or by telling you directly is kind of irrelevant in the big picture. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, PayalP said:

I wasn’t fully ready as I was separated with my partner and to yet to file divorce as we were waiting for No Fault Divorce to come into effect this year.

Are you still legally married or living with your husband?

Replied in your identical thread:

 

[stillafool]

It sounds like this guy was only interested in sex and after he got it he ghosted you.  He probably thought that since you hadn't divorced your husband yet it wasn't going anywhere anyway.  He probably does this to a lot of women.  It's better to meet men in person and go from there.

[Johnjohnson2017]

He might not be as attracted to you as he would like to be towards a long term partner. He might like your personality but the physical connection is not where he wants it to be so instead of telling you verbally, he decided to ghost you. That's my guess.

[smackie9]

Red flag: sharing way too much intimate details about your life over text with someone you barely know... creates false emotional intimacy, making you over invest. Texting is not to be counted as actual dating, so you only met 3 times, that's gonna a increase your chances of being a one and done. I know you are feel "robbed" but, there are never any guarantees that they are going to stick around no matter what. Sometimes it can't be prevented, it just works out that way. Just part of life right?

[mark clemson]

I think some of the reasons ghosting hurts is that it sends a message of lack of respect and that "you really never were that important to me". Also, we can feel that some of the opportunities for emotional "closure" are denied to us - specifically that we had no chance to speak to our side of the breakup and get feedback and perhaps some conciliatory words from the other person.

While this second part does help with closure, really closure eventually comes from within, when you finally reach a "neutral" perspective on the other person (in that thinking of them doesn't trigger strong feelings of sadness or anger or other negative emotions). IF strong emotions over the breakup are involved, that closure takes time (and often significantly more time than we'd like) but the silver lining is it tends to happen with or without the "closure" conversation that's been denied by ghosting.

It's worth pointing out that not every breakup will involve strong emotions, and the "ghoster" may, on their side, see little point in extending things and/or risking a "bad breakup/crazy ex" experience (these are rare, but can certainly be quite memorable, in a bad way, when they happen). It's also true that some Ex's behaved so heinously that one can never truly think of them "neutrally" again. However, I think "closure" is reached for folks like that when one's reaction to thinking of their awful behavior is more thought-based and less triggering of super-strong emotion.

Edited September 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 

It's worth pointing out that not every breakup will involve strong emotions,

After only three dates, this wasn’t even a breakup. Strong emotions should not be in the equation.

[mark clemson]

^^ Hmm. I was speaking generally as per the title it seems a general question was in part being raised.

I agree that you have a point WRT to OP, although it sounded like their texting, etc may have generated a (perhaps undue) greater sense of "connection" than one would expect.

It's also true that, again speaking generally, sometimes, "should/should not" doesn't matter when it comes to emotions. If they're triggered, even though they "shouldn't be" from an outsider's and/or rational perspective, it makes little difference to the person experiencing them.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It's also true that, again speaking generally, sometimes, "should/should not" doesn't matter when it comes to emotions. If they're triggered, even though they "shouldn't be" from an outsider's and/or rational perspective, it makes little difference to the person experiencing them.

While I agree the emotions happen whether they “should” or not, the OP would do well to focus on why she is so triggered by this after only three dates rather than focusing on what he did.

And it certainly shouldn’t have any impact on future dating. This is a big nothingburger. However the OP is experiencing it as some sort of trauma that will impact all her dating experiences moving forward. And has greatly impacted her ability to trust. After 3 dates. 

[mark clemson]

^^ don't disagree with you on the above. Again it's "should"(shouldn't) but I agree one wouldn't want to be handicapped by excessive distress over what (from a higher perspective) are relatively minor setbacks in a dating world that can be "brutal".

Perhaps it's feasible for OP to look into meeting with a counselor IF stuff like this keeps happening and it prevents her from moving forward dating.