No contact or ignoring

[Beng87]

Hello,

 

I’ll cut a long story short,

 

broke up after a 3-4 month relationship where we were deeply in love. 
 

however he was constantly blaming me for everything. Making things up etc. I had thought of ending the relationship myself as for the final month it has bad bad.

a week after he told me we were over, we spent the weekend together, it was meant to be as friends, but It ended up a very romantic  weekend, and we shared hugs and snuggling in bed. Like we had before, we said we loved each other as I dropped him off.

skip forward just 12 hours to the next day, he’s very blunt over texts, so I asked what’s up? He then proceeded to say “ I don’t have to tell you what’s up, we aren’t even together?”

this was a pattern throughout the relationship of hot and coldness. Constantly. 
 

last weekend we spent two days together, everything was nice, he was playful and jokey while shopping and eating, looked at me like he used too. There was nothing physical.

he had said we could talk at some point and I felt like he was just putting it off and putting it off. So I brought it up, and he just hit me with “talk about what there is absolutely nothing to talk about? I don’t want to be with you” 

So that was that, since then it’s been text, telling me he doesn’t want to be around me, as it’s not healthy, but We are on speaking terms. 
 

now I had already sent his birthday gift in the mail. Which he popped up yesterday and thanked me for and said it was very thoughtful. 
 

I had been trying to start no contact with him, I’ve previewed the message but not opened  it. Do you think I should? I mean what would I even reply? And does he care? it would surely just lead to him saying ok and that being it again.

 

should I keep no contact or will he think I’m being rude and ignoring him? 

Edited September 7, 2022 by Beng87

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Beng87 said:

he was constantly blaming me for everything. Making things up etc. I had thought of ending the relationship myself as for the final month it has bad bad.

a week after he told me we were over, we spent the weekend together, it was meant to be as friends, but It ended up a very romantic  weekend

skip forward just 12 hours to the next day, he’s very blunt over texts, so I asked what’s up? He then proceeded to say “ I don’t have to tell you what’s up, we aren’t even together?”

last weekend we spent two days together, everything was nice, he was playful and jokey while shopping and eating, looked at me like he used too. There was nothing physical.

now I had already sent his birthday gift in the mail. Which he popped up yesterday and thanked me for and said it was very thoughtful. 

Sorry this is happening. Were you exclusive? Is he recently broken up/divorce or on/off with an ex? Or talking to others?

He seems to want to steamroll over you and demote you to FWB. Is that what you want? 

 It's odd that you wish to continue with someone who treats you poorly and "blames you and makes up things".

It's only 12 weeks so consider cutting your losses so you can find a man who respects you and wants what you want.

[Beng87]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Were you exclusive? Is he recently broken up/divorce or on/off with an ex? Or talking to others?

He seems to want to steamroll over you and demote you to FWB. Is that what you want? 

 It's odd that you wish to continue with someone who treats you poorly and "blames you and makes up things".

It's only 12 weeks so consider cutting your losses so you can find a man who respects you and wants what you want.

Yeah we were exclusive, I was in love with him more than I ever have been, we fell for each other instantly, I dunno I just hate the idea of not being with him, like how can he go from being so intimate with me one day and the next back to being not with me? It’s weird. 
 

Now I dunno whether to reply or not to his thank you for the gift? Like if I don’t reply he might think I don’t care anymore. But if I do rely he’ll probs say say ok or sometning and I’ll be hurting once again.

if I just do no contact with him I wonder if he’ll reach out to me 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Beng87 said:

But if I do rely he’ll probs say say ok or sometning and I’ll be hurting once again. if I just do no contact with him I wonder if he’ll reach out to me 

It may be better to step back and reflect and regroup. Chasing men who treat you badly and as disposable is a headache and heartache no one needs. Don't let intense sexual chemistry blind you to bad men.

[stillafool]

You can send him a "you're welcome" to his thank you text for his present and then block him and start moving on.  As you can see he doesn't care that much about your feelings by the things he says to you and the way he says it.  Hanging around him now that he's let you go is downgrading yourself to a FWB.  When he starts dating other girls he's just going to tell you "what do you expect we're not a couple anymore" and you will be hurt.  Right now you are showing him he's more important than your self esteem and he can treat you anyway he likes and you'll still hang on.  There is no "nicing" him back into wanting you again.  You have to go NC, stop seeing and talking to him.  The only chance you have is to disappear and if he misses you maybe he'll want to get back, but that's even a big "if".  Why did he break it off with you?

Edited September 7, 2022 by stillafool

[Beng87]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

You can send him a "you're welcome" to his thank you text for his present and then block him and start moving on.  As you can see he doesn't care that much about your feelings by the things he says to you and the way he says it.  Hanging around him now that he's let you go is downgrading yourself to a FWB.  When he starts dating other girls he's just going to tell you 
"what do you expect we're not a couple anymore" and you will be hurt.  Right now you are showing him he's more important that your self esteem.  There is no "nicing" him back into wanting you again.  You have to go NC, stop seeing and talking to him.  The only chance you have is to disappear and if he misses you maybe he'll want to get back but that's even a big "if".  Why did he break it off with you?

He broke it off with me because well something that happened in the first weeks of the relationship, but we had then gone on to be together for 3 months which seems weird. It’s like he’s using it as an excuse

 

we were at a night club and he was dancing with our mutual friend, so I went over and spoke to this guy I knew, I’ve know for years, this guy I thought was straight and new had a gf. But he started flirting with me and touching me on the shoulder. My bf obviously saw this. But as soon as I realised what was happening I said to the guy I have a bf? I’m sorry. And walked away. Obviously my bf saw it differently and maintained that I cheated on him?? Even though he saw everything. 
 

it’s litteraly not my fault a guy I thought was straight and that has a gf came into me??

 

and he constantly brought it up and stuff, my ex seemed really bi polar, lovely one minute then horrible the next, even within a few hours he would changed drastically. But always blamed it on me.

 

i litteraly could not have done more or been nicer to him 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Beng87 said:

i litteraly could not have done more or been nicer to him 

He's abusive and controlling. Run. Don't be a doormat to men like this.

[Beng87]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You can send him a "you're welcome" to his thank you text for his present and then block him and start moving on.  As you can see he doesn't care that much about your feelings by the things he says to you and the way he says it.  Hanging around him now that he's let you go is downgrading yourself to a FWB.  When he starts dating other girls he's just going to tell you "what do you expect we're not a couple anymore" and you will be hurt.  Right now you are showing him he's more important than your self esteem and he can treat you anyway he likes and you'll still hang on.  There is no "nicing" him back into wanting you again.  You have to go NC, stop seeing and talking to him.  The only chance you have is to disappear and if he misses you maybe he'll want to get back, but that's even a big "if".  Why did he break it off with you?

Ok so I just thanked him for thanking me for the gift, and he litteraly opened it read it and didn’t reply 😂 says a lot 

[stillafool]

I agree with Wiseman not to be his doormat.  The excuse to break up with you was so flimsey it's as if he was looking for any minor offense to break up with you.  Stop bending over backwards to try to please him.   Take back your power and he'll respect you more.  Go NC with him today after you read that last text and tell him he's welcome.  I would go so far as to block him so he knows he got his wish and has lost you.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Beng87 said:

Ok so I just thanked him for thanking me for the gift, and he litteraly opened it read it and didn’t reply 😂 says a lot 

TBH, saying thank you and receiving "you're welcome" doesn't warrant another reply.  Let that be it and move on now.

[Beng87]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

TBH, saying thank you and receiving "you're welcome" doesn't warrant another reply.  Let that be it and move on now.

Ok I take it back, he just replied 

 

“ok” 🤣

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Beng87 said:

Ok I take it back, he just replied 

 

“ok” 🤣

"ok" is an appropriate response IMO.  Why you laugh?

[Beng87]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

"ok" is an appropriate response IMO.  Why you laugh?

Don’t know, just seemed very dry 

 

I said thanks, I’m glad you like it, and I hope you have a great day today on your birthday. 
 

so I read ok and said nothing back. 
 

at least now I know that I’ve replied, not left his message unopened, I can now fully do no contact. And hopefully he changes his mind

[Beng87]

Just now, Beng87 said:

Don’t know, just seemed very dry 

 

I said thanks, I’m glad you like it, and I hope you have a great day today on your birthday. 
 

so I read ok and said nothing back. 
 

at least now I know that I’ve replied, not left his message unopened, I can now fully do no contact. And hopefully he changes his mind

Part of me ski

 

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

"ok" is an appropriate response IMO.  Why you laugh?

I mean part of me thinks, maybe he’s hurting just as much as me? And he’s just putting up a brave front? He talked about self sabotaging his relationships in the past I don’t know.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Beng87 said:

Part of me ski

 

I mean part of me thinks, maybe he’s hurting just as much as me? And he’s just putting up a brave front? He talked about self sabotaging his relationships in the past I don’t know.

No he's not.  Why would he have to put up a brave front?  He knows you want him and don't want to break up.  He probably does self sabotage his relationships when he's through with the girl, a lot of people do that when they're ready to break up.  I've done it myself.  It's the easy way out.

Edited September 7, 2022 by stillafool

[Beng87]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

No he's not.  Why would he have to put up a brave front?  He knows you want him and don't want to break up.  He probably does self sabotage his relationships when he's through with the girl, a lot of people do that when they're ready to break up.  I've done it myself.  It's the easy way out.

True, 

 

I just wish I didn’t feel like it’s all my fault, he clearly wants me to think that. And I dunno why it hurts so bloody much, like I miss him dearly. Even though I know it probably wasn’t right 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Beng87 said:

True, 

 

I just wish I didn’t feel like it’s all my fault, he clearly wants me to think that. And I dunno why it hurts so bloody much, like I miss him dearly. Even though I know it probably wasn’t right 

Why do you think it's your fault? Because of what happened with that friend putting his hand on your shoulder?  That is just a bs excuse he's using to break up.  If what you did was that bad he would have broken up with you then and there.

[Despin]

You haven't heard the last of him. Once you go dark he'll start coming around.

He won't commit and he'll be all romantic, and loving, and funny.

And continue with his abusive, insecure, controlling  ways.

Until the next breakup.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Beng87 said:

I mean part of me thinks, maybe he’s hurting just as much as me? And he’s just putting up a brave front? He talked about self sabotaging his relationships in the past I don’t know.

He doesn't seem that deep. Just a self-centered guy who wants to play the field. Delete and block him.

Get a good profile and pics on dating apps like Grindr and start talking to and meeting men. You seem to want relationships, he wants some sort of sadistic game.

[Beng87]

6 hours ago, Despin said:

You haven't heard the last of him. Once you go dark he'll start coming around.

He won't commit and he'll be all romantic, and loving, and funny.

And continue with his abusive, insecure, controlling  ways.

Until the next breakup.

 

This happened a couple of times before when we “broke up” 

I doubt it will this time though he seemed very final.

 

he also put up a story today with new crocs saying “the crocs stay on during sex”

So it seems like he’s already moved on and having sex!

 

even though if we hadn’t argued on Saturday, I was meant to be taking him out for his birthday dinner last night…as a friend. 
 

even on Saturday just there during the day, he asked me if I wanted to go watch the football with “his friends” that I hadn’t even met when we were together….

 

what even is that? What was I meeting them as? A weird ex friend, his ex?

[ ] 

The fact I’m hurting so much and care so much baffles me 

 

 

Edited September 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Beng87]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't seem that deep. Just a self-centered guy who wants to play the field. Delete and block him.

Get a good profile and pics on dating apps like Grindr and start talking to and meeting men. You seem to want relationships, he wants some sort of sadistic game.

It’s just Bizzare the whole thing, even after he said we were broken up, when we were around mutual work friends after work, (in a bar) he would talk about me like we were together and laugh and joke with me, play fight etc. then as soon as we were alone BOOM he was a diff person! 
 

And also just 2 weeks ago, after again he said we were done, he was staying at mine cause we finish work late, he told me “the door Steward asked if we were related tonight cause you always drop me at work” I told her no we are together?? We have a fine night that night, dropped him off next day and boom he says a few days later why are u acting like we are together?

 

cannot get my head around it AT all! Even last Friday there at the shopping centre he was play shoving me, asking me to ask for things cause he’s always shy, making me hold things acting like we were together still. 

[ ]

Edited September 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

I know it's hard but it isn't helping you reading his story or seeing anything that lets you know what he might be doing.  Yes he asked if you wanted to go watch football with his friends because that is what he wanted to do and you were there.  Why not ask you to go?  He didn't have to introduce you as anyone but  "this is Beng".  It's best not to try to spin everything he says and does as him not being sure about what he wants when he's been clear with you more than once about it.  

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Beng87 said:

broke up after a 3-4 month relationship where we were deeply in love. 

Love does not look like how you describe this relationship.  Love is caring, kind and thoughtful and he was not.

Given that he isn't a caring sort of person, this kind of outcome was pretty much to be expected.  All you can do is learn from this. And in future, heed red flags when you see them.

Edit to add: don't contact him further, and pay no attention to how he may feel.  As he dumped you, he deserves nothing from you.

Edited September 7, 2022 by basil67

[Beng87]

23 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I know it's hard but it isn't helping you reading his story or seeing anything that lets you know what he might be doing.  Yes he asked if you wanted to go watch football with his friends because that is what he wanted to do and you were there.  Why not ask you to go?  He didn't have to introduce you as anyone but  "this is Beng".  It's best not to try to spin everything he says and does as him not being sure about what he wants when he's been clear with you more than once about it.  

The football thing wasn’t when I was with him, he had asked the night before cause we knew he were gonna hang out. He also rejected going to a gig with his best friend to hang out with me? He was 100% sending me mixed signals for sure.  
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is not that into you, but yanks your chain because you let him. 

You have to realize that this isn't going anywhere, and not going to become the relationship you want. You're merely a convenient source of attention or affection when he wants it, but that's it. 

Why have you allowed yourself to be treated like this?