No contact or ignoring

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Beng87 said:

I do wanna move on it’s just hard

Then start by deleting him from your social media. 

The interactions on there are meaningless. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Beng87 said:

Then tonight he was a complete a**h*** I had only popped up really to ask whether would ever think about it, 

He should really have deleted and blocked you rather than engage. However it's not too late for you to delete and block him. Why not enjoy your social media without all this drama and background noise about polls and what he thinks, trying to chase him, etc.? 

When you let go, you'll have time to date guys who are into you and you'll feel better.

Edited September 23, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Beng87]

On 9/23/2022 at 9:31 AM, Wiseman2 said:

He should really have deleted and blocked you rather than engage. However it's not too late for you to delete and block him. Why not enjoy your social media without all this drama and background noise about polls and what he thinks, trying to chase him, etc.? 

When you let go, you'll have time to date guys who are into you and you'll feel better.

So today he unfollowed me on instagram. It’s hit me harder than I thought it would 

[Beng87]

On 9/23/2022 at 9:31 AM, Wiseman2 said:

He should really have deleted and blocked you rather than engage. However it's not too late for you to delete and block him. Why not enjoy your social media without all this drama and background noise about polls and what he thinks, trying to chase him, etc.? 

When you let go, you'll have time to date guys who are into you and you'll feel better.

Just to give you guys an update, I’ve not looked or seen anything about him for a week or so since he blocked me, today my mutual friend  informed me he’s back with his ex! An ex that he left because he was abusive! 
 

I don’t really know what to think! 

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, Beng87 said:

I don’t really know what to think! 

The thing to think is that it's way past time to write him off

[Beng87]

53 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The thing to think is that it's way past time to write him off

Just seems very odd to me, after all he told me

About his abusive ex! 
 

is he just going back to familiarity? 
is he rebounding? Or was I 100 the rebound from his ex 

[glows]

You only need to know that it didn’t work with the both of you. This was going to come up at some point as you chose to keep him as a friend.

What you might have done was start the healing process right away and deleted him off your social media and removed him as a contact - not meeting or seeing each other on weekends and lessened the texting only to work items. No need to drive or drop him off anywhere and let him find his own rides to work. No need for birthday gifts either. He repeated several times that he didn’t want to be with you. 

I’m sorry this hurts. It was a matter of time before he would start seeing someone else and it happens to be his ex. 
 

[Beng87]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

You only need to know that it didn’t work with the both of you. This was going to come up at some point as you chose to keep him as a friend.

What you might have done was start the healing process right away and deleted him off your social media and removed him as a contact - not meeting or seeing each other on weekends and lessened the texting only to work items. No need to drive or drop him off anywhere and let him find his own rides to work. No need for birthday gifts either. He repeated several times that he didn’t want to be with you. 

I’m sorry this hurts. It was a matter of time before he would start seeing someone else and it happens to be his ex. 
 

We had stopped being friends for the last couple of weeks. And he removed me from everything. This is obviously why. 
 

it just doesn’t make sense that he’s gone back to him after everything he told me and our friends about how abuse his ex was, like physically and mentally. 
 

I don’t understand it 

[glows]

It’s difficult to break the cycle of abuse. Read about cycle of abuse. Please also be careful about gossip or hearsay coming from mutual “friends”. Imo, that’s no friend at all to be spilling details about another friend’s personal life/love life.

[Beng87]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s difficult to break the cycle of abuse. Read about cycle of abuse. Please also be careful about gossip or hearsay coming from mutual “friends”. Imo, that’s no friend at all to be spilling details about another friend’s personal life/love life.

No, sorry my grammar is bad

 

my EX himself told me about his ex’s abuse, and my ex also told our mutual friends. 
 

we are all shocked that he’s gone back. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Beng87 said:

it just doesn’t make sense that he’s gone back to him after everything he told me and our friends about how abuse his ex was, like physically and mentally. 

Did you witness her being abusive?  Or are you just going on what he said?

Go back to your first posts where you tell us how he was treating you terribly: Blaming you for everything, being stupid angry at some dude in a night club etc.  You do realise that it's quite possible he's blaming you for all of this and telling everyone that you were abusive?   Heaven knows what he's saying to her about you.   When someone who displays appalling behaviour describes their previous partner as being abusive or having terrible behaviour, don't rush in to believe them.

I remember a guy I used to know who described his ex wife as all kinds of toxic and we believed him.  Then when this guy got involved with someone close to me, he started treating her terribly.  When that relationship ended, he painted her as toxic too.    This friend ended up contacting his ex-wife and they found their experiences were all too similar.   He was the one who had the problem, and I think your ex could well be the problem.

I actually wonder why your bf's ex took him back.  Just as I have no idea why you want him back.

 

Edited October 10, 2022 by basil67

[glows]

2 hours ago, Beng87 said:

No, sorry my grammar is bad

 

my EX himself told me about his ex’s abuse, and my ex also told our mutual friends. 
 

we are all shocked that he’s gone back. 

Thanks for clarifying. Who he dates isn’t any of your concern anymore. He has his own support and you’re not a part of that. Move on. 

Distance yourself a bit more also with regards to these mutual friends. If the conversation leans towards your ex change the subject or talk about something else. The point is it’s no one’s business who he’s dating. The relationship is over. 

You’re searching for answers you may never have. 

Edited October 10, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Beng87 said:

it just doesn’t make sense that he’s gone back to him after everything he told me and our friends about how abuse his ex was, like physically and mentally.

Abusive relationships are often like this. Break up, make up, break up, make up. Lather, rinse, repeat. Either that or your ex was not being completely honest with you about that relationship. 

4 hours ago, Beng87 said:

I don’t understand it 

And the good news is that you don't need to. Don't make it your mission to understand dysfunction. Focus instead on your own unwillingness to see the big red flags here and let go of someone who didn't want to be with you anymore. That is what's more important for you to make some healthy changes in your own life. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Beng87 said:

We are all shocked that he’s gone back. 

Ok. This should give you the closure you need to step out of their on/off drama .

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That way you can move forward without all the gossip and background noise.

[Beng87]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. This should give you the closure you need to step out of their on/off drama .

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That way you can move forward without all the gossip and background noise.

I just can’t get him off my mind, I was kind of starting too, when I found out about him being back with his ex.

 

I don’t know why I miss him so much, there was so much bad.

 

but I still miss the good. I hope it passes

[basil67]

It will begin to pass when you remove him from your life.  This includes his social media

[Beng87]

Just now, basil67 said:

It will begin to pass when you remove him from your life.  This includes his social media

Yeah he’s gone from it. I only found out from a friend. 
 

I’m just worried now about seeing him in town or with he ex etc.

 

My friends have been telling me that everything happens for a reason. And that he will only be back with he ex to feel superior again and annoy me etc . And that it probably won’t last again this time. 
 

 

[S2B]

Every abuser needs a victim…

keep him blocked in everything!

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Beng87 said:

My friends have been telling me that everything happens for a reason. And that he will only be back with he ex to feel superior again and annoy me etc . And that it probably won’t last again this time. 

It doesn't matter if it doesn't last. 

What matters is that you let go of this guy, once and for all. It's not going to work out between you two, regardless of what happens in his own love life. Your friends are trying to soften the blow for you, but you're focusing on the wrong things. 

[glows]

15 hours ago, Beng87 said:

 

I’m just worried now about seeing him in town or with he ex etc.

My friends have been telling me that everything happens for a reason. And that he will only be back with he ex to feel superior again and annoy me etc .
 

 

Try not to be motivated by fear. You’ll see him and then? You’ll pass one another by or maybe smile and greet one another. You’ll move on with your life and it’s not going to stop you from living your life. 

Also avoid being too passive. If you don’t want to be annoyed just don’t. Take some time out and clear your mind, immerse yourself in other things. I recall moving on from break ups not because I willed myself to or tried to forget someone. I just wanted to live. Get on with the business of living your life and refocus your priorities. He’s not a priority. 

[Beng87]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Try not to be motivated by fear. You’ll see him and then? You’ll pass one another by or maybe smile and greet one another. You’ll move on with your life and it’s not going to stop you from living your life. 

Also avoid being too passive. If you don’t want to be annoyed just don’t. Take some time out and clear your mind, immerse yourself in other things. I recall moving on from break ups not because I willed myself to or tried to forget someone. I just wanted to live. Get on with the business of living your life and refocus your priorities. He’s not a priority. 

Thanks,

 

Unfortunately I have severe anxiety and depression which doesn’t help the situation.

The main thing I’m feeling right now is anger, the fact that he refused to take any responsibility for anything going wrong.

then after we broke up, we had an amazing weekend where everything seemed fine again, the very next day he had changed his mind again. And from that point messed me about so much, promising me so many times that we would talk about it. Then whenever I brought it up he’d be like “there’s nothing to talk about”

 

 

and in his last message to me before removing me from everything he said

”in the end there was just too much bar that outweighed the good” 

 

then a WEEK later he’s back with his (in his own words) horribly abusive and explicit word after explicit word of an ex.

 

I’m so mad  and sad 

[basil67]

43 minutes ago, Beng87 said:

The main thing I’m feeling right now is anger, the fact that he refused to take any responsibility for anything going wrong.

Taking responsibility is only relevant when people are working to improve their relationship after there's been an issue.  But if a person has no interest in reconciling, they don't have to take responsibility.  Simply saying "This is no longer working for me, I think it's best if we go our separate ways" is quite sufficient, particularly after such a brief relationship.  He should not be expected to participate in a post mortem on what went wrong and his mistakes. 

You anger and frustration is stemming from unrealistic expectations.  

 

Edited October 11, 2022 by basil67

[Beng87]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Taking responsibility is only relevant when people are working together to learn and grow after there's been an issue.  But if a person ends a relationship and don't have interest in reconciling, they don't have to take responsibility.  Simply saying "This is no longer working for me, I think it's best if we go our separate ways" is quite sufficient, particularly after such a brief relationship.  He should not be expected to participate in a post mortem on what went wrong and his mistakes. 

You anger and frustration is stemming from unrealistic expectations.  

 

But the thing is he did do a post Mortem on it, blaming me for absolutely everything. That’s where I find is infuriating that he didn’t take any responsibility whatsoever 

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Beng87 said:

But the thing is he did do a post Mortem on it, blaming me for absolutely everything. That’s where I find is infuriating that he didn’t take any responsibility whatsoever 

When I say "post mortem" I'm talking about a level headed, thorough discussion of what went wrong.  What he did wasn't that. It was just him verbally abusing you with no intention of discussing things.    And as he broke up with you, he still doesn't have to take responsibility if he doesn't feel like it.

If he wanted to get back with you, that would be the time for him to take responsibility 

Edited October 12, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Beng87 said:

I’m so mad  and sad 

I'm sorry you're hurt. 

You do need to take responsibility for your own well-being now, though. When someone dumps you, it's never a good idea to hang around in the wings for them. It's never wise to continue giving them the benefit of your company with no commitment at all from them. 

He can't mess you around without your participation. In other words, you have to do a better job looking out for yourself and not hang on to situations that clearly dysfunctional and not working anymore.