No contact or ignoring

[Beachead]

Hi @Beng87

This guy is no friend.  He is an ex..and he is a piece of crap, because he is reckless with your heart.

It's good you blocked and deleted him and everyone associated with him off of your social media.  That's the first step that needs to be taken; out of sight, out of mind.  You cannot heal so long as you have eyes on parts of his life that you shouldn't.  Anytime you see anything associated with him, it is the equivalent of pulling stitches out of a gash and reopening a deep wound.  Not only do you have to stitch the wound back up and restart the healing process again, but it will leave more and more damage behind.  Bigger scar.  That damage can end up being so bad it will carry with you into the long-term future affecting all your future relationships..meaning it will adversely affect your life.   So treat yourself with respect and don't allow him back in.

If you haven't deleted his number off of your phone, I would also do that as well.  Block him on your messages, Whatsapp/Viber/Telegram or whatever you use.  Do not give him access to you and if somehow he gets in contact with you, do not respond to him.   Healing is hard work and takes time.  Don't let this guy ruin all the hard work you've been putting in. 

It may be very difficult for the coming months but I promise it will get easier.  You just need to stay strong with No-Contact and remind yourself of the reality instead of the fantasy; who he actually is instead of who you wished he could have been and the flaws of your relationship and why it ended.

Journal these things regularly whenever you feel weak and want to contact him and it will stop you from relapsing.  This is what I did to help myself get over a lot of people including past partners.

I'm sorry you're going through this but you will be okay.  Stay strong.

- Beach

Edited October 12, 2022 by Beachead

[Beng87]

5 hours ago, Beachead said:

Hi @Beng87

This guy is no friend.  He is an ex..and he is a piece of crap, because he is reckless with your heart.

It's good you blocked and deleted him and everyone associated with him off of your social media.  That's the first step that needs to be taken; out of sight, out of mind.  You cannot heal so long as you have eyes on parts of his life that you shouldn't.  Anytime you see anything associated with him, it is the equivalent of pulling stitches out of a gash and reopening a deep wound.  Not only do you have to stitch the wound back up and restart the healing process again, but it will leave more and more damage behind.  Bigger scar.  That damage can end up being so bad it will carry with you into the long-term future affecting all your future relationships..meaning it will adversely affect your life.   So treat yourself with respect and don't allow him back in.

If you haven't deleted his number off of your phone, I would also do that as well.  Block him on your messages, Whatsapp/Viber/Telegram or whatever you use.  Do not give him access to you and if somehow he gets in contact with you, do not respond to him.   Healing is hard work and takes time.  Don't let this guy ruin all the hard work you've been putting in. 

It may be very difficult for the coming months but I promise it will get easier.  You just need to stay strong with No-Contact and remind yourself of the reality instead of the fantasy; who he actually is instead of who you wished he could have been and the flaws of your relationship and why it ended.

Journal these things regularly whenever you feel weak and want to contact him and it will stop you from relapsing.  This is what I did to help myself get over a lot of people including past partners.

I'm sorry you're going through this but you will be okay.  Stay strong.

- Beach

Thank you for this message  

I need to realise that he WAS a dick to me, and stop giving him the benefit of the doubt for the shorter amount of time that he was nice to me.

as you said I’m pining for what it COULD have been and not what it was.

 

I just wish it didn’t hurt so damn much 

[Beachead]

@Beng87

1 hour ago, Beng87 said:

I just wish it didn’t hurt so damn much 

When I went through my breakups, I felt detached from everything and everyone.  My whole world revolved around trying not to contact my exes.  Getting through an hour felt like an eternity and not looking at my phone felt like torture.  I didn't have much of an appetite.  Would hardly sleep in the night and would be exhausted all through the day.  I lost a lot of weight.  

At some point, you just get tired of being upset about the same thing everyday.  You burn out, crying over it, and you realize enough is enough.  That's when you'll naturally redirect your eyes to what's ahead, instead of looking in your rearview mirror at what passed.  It'll happen when it happens.  Your mind just needs time to rewire itself and learn how to function without this person.  That's all.  It's a painful readjustment but it doesn't last.  It will only prolong if you prolong your contact with him.  The sooner you begin to look after yourself, the sooner you will heal. 

The first step to stopping is training your mind to see the reality.  Regular journaling via writing will help you focus your thoughts more clearly and will document your progress.  With enough journals, you may even start noticing patterns in your thoughts.  Things that you realize you need to change about yourself or the way you were in the relationship and that's an added benefit.   Another technique you can apply is to write out 2 things you are grateful for.  For me back then, it was a cup of coffee and a warm shower.  Still is, but now that list is larger.  This will help ground you when you spiral and feel like you have nothing.  There are a couple more techniques I used but these 2 work well in the beginning of your grief when things are fresh and you feel like an addict that needs her fix (Ex-Boyfriend) to feel better.

Just remember, he isn't going to make you feel better.  You'll interact with him and come out of it full of questions and anxiety and general misery.  Then you'll loathe yourself for allowing him to upset you yet again and for not being strong enough to let go.  People worth your time won't put you on a rollercoaster of ups and downs like this.  They won't leave you in the dark, guessing.  You will feel completely comfortable with them.  They are out there. 

Have confidence in yourself that you will be okay.  You don't need this guy.

- Beach

Edited October 13, 2022 by Beachead

[Beng87]

3 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Beng87

When I went through my breakups, I felt detached from everything and everyone.  My whole world revolved around trying not to contact my exes.  Getting through an hour felt like an eternity and not looking at my phone felt like torture.  I didn't have much of an appetite.  Would hardly sleep in the night and would be exhausted all through the day.  I lost a lot of weight.  

At some point, you just get tired of being upset about the same thing everyday.  You burn out, crying over it, and you realize enough is enough.  That's when you'll naturally redirect your eyes to what's ahead, instead of looking in your rearview mirror at what passed.  It'll happen when it happens.  Your mind just needs time to rewire itself and learn how to function without this person.  That's all.  It's a painful readjustment but it doesn't last.  It will only prolong if you prolong your contact with him.  The sooner you begin to look after yourself, the sooner you will heal. 

The first step to stopping is training your mind to see the reality.  Regular journaling via writing will help you focus your thoughts more clearly and will document your progress.  With enough journals, you may even start noticing patterns in your thoughts.  Things that you realize you need to change about yourself or the way you were in the relationship and that's an added benefit.   Another technique you can apply is to write out 2 things you are grateful for.  For me back then, it was a cup of coffee and a warm shower.  Still is, but now that list is larger.  This will help ground you when you spiral and feel like you have nothing.  There are a couple more techniques I used but these 2 work well in the beginning of your grief when things are fresh and you feel like an addict that needs her fix (Ex-Boyfriend) to feel better.

Just remember, he isn't going to make you feel better.  You'll interact with him and come out of it full of questions and anxiety and general misery.  Then you'll loathe yourself for allowing him to upset you yet again and for not being strong enough to let go.  People worth your time won't put you on a rollercoaster of ups and downs like this.  They won't leave you in the dark, guessing.  You will feel completely comfortable with them.  They are out there. 

Have confidence in yourself that you will be okay.  You don't need this guy.

- Beach

Again thank you so much, this has really helped ease my mind a little. And thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed and lengthy reply. 
 

I shall try out the techniques you have mentioned and see how things go! I shall keep you updated.

 

God bless you 

B

[glows]

On 10/11/2022 at 4:04 PM, Beng87 said:

Thanks,

 

Unfortunately I have severe anxiety and depression which doesn’t help the situation.

The main thing I’m feeling right now is anger, the fact that he refused to take any responsibility for anything going wrong.

then after we broke up, we had an amazing weekend where everything seemed fine again, the very next day he had changed his mind again. And from that point messed me about so much, promising me so many times that we would talk about it. Then whenever I brought it up he’d be like “there’s nothing to talk about”

 

 

and in his last message to me before removing me from everything he said

”in the end there was just too much bar that outweighed the good” 

 

then a WEEK later he’s back with his (in his own words) horribly abusive and explicit word after explicit word of an ex.

 

I’m so mad  and sad 

I’ve found it helpful not to focus on the source of anxiety or double down on it. It’s enough to say “enough is enough” and simply walk away. Have the discipline to leave things as they are and tell yourself you don’t need to have all the answers about why someone is the way they are. It’s only destructive to yourself and holds you back.

Only learn from the mistakes and recognize what type of person he was. Don’t pick the same people for partners. Move on and live your life well. There’s nothing better in this world than doing it your way in better company.

 

[Beng87]

13 hours ago, glows said:

I’ve found it helpful not to focus on the source of anxiety or double down on it. It’s enough to say “enough is enough” and simply walk away. Have the discipline to leave things as they are and tell yourself you don’t need to have all the answers about why someone is the way they are. It’s only destructive to yourself and holds you back.

Only learn from the mistakes and recognize what type of person he was. Don’t pick the same people for partners. Move on and live your life well. There’s nothing better in this world than doing it your way in better company.

 

Thank you! 👏🏼