Friend of 25 years met a new person and discarded me like a rotten potato - Is it normal

[Wiseman2]

You two should have gone no contact and deleted and blocked each other when the relationship ended.

That way none of this would be happening now. But better late than never, right? Free yourselves from this so you can both get on with your lives.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/19/2022 at 6:10 PM, mark clemson said:

It sounds like perhaps in her mind she DID "do the right thing"/let you down easy/slow fade, etc. So as to reduce the emotional impact on you. She did that, but now you still want more than she is willing to give (which is any contact at all) due to it being e.g. potentially something her new BF could misinterpret, etc. She tried the "nice" way, it didn't work, so now she ripping off the band aid instead.

That's how I see it, too. 

Because OP, you did go off the rails and email her repeateldy - 8 times. That is a lot and it would tell her that you are focused only on your own feelings. 

She isn't entirely to blame here. It's not as though you showed her a lot of respect, either. 

[Acacia98]

22 hours ago, Jamaica0007 said:

22 hours ago, Jamaica0007 said:

For me what it boils down to is I trusted this person to treat me kindly at all times even if the time came where the reality was, I no longer mattered to her.

I think people are getting hung up on the fact she was my ex and perhaps now I have gone through this, maybe she was always going to treat me differently at some point.

 

I can't speak for other people, but personally, I'm not hung up on that fact. I call her your ex because it's a shorthand way to refer to someone who is, in fact, your ex-wife. But I recognize that it's perfectly possible to be good friends with an ex. 

The thing is, there were red flags in your friendship with this woman. Or at least, there appear to be red flags based on the details you share. There's also the fact of hindsight... Thanks to your original post, we know how your friendship ended, so there are indications that all was not well. And you can now opt to look back at everything that happened and try to figure out what aspects of your friendship weren't ideal/healthy.

For example, while you emphasize that you had moved on from your romantic relationship and had no problem relating to her as a friend or knowing that she was dating another man, it is entirely possible that she still had strong romantic feelings for you and couldn't separate the friendship from the past romantic relationship. If that was true, there was no way for you to have a healthy friendship. It seems likely she was struggling with her boundaries and the idea of letting go the entire time. Perhaps she ultimately  cut links with you in an apparently brusque and thoughtless fashion because she doesn't know how to navigate through such emotional complexities and generally struggles to set boundaries. 

It's also worth noting that she may not share your rules surrounding the ethics of friendship. So she may not hold herself to the same standard that you hold yourself to. While you would never do certain things to hurt a person, she might do those very things because she is a different person and doesn't view them in the same way. It hurts the first time it happens, but hopefully, you can learn to recognize ahead of time when people are different from you in this way. Thus, if you get hurt in that way again, you will be somewhat prepared for it and it won't sting as much.

Edited September 21, 2022 by Acacia98

[basil67]

On 9/19/2022 at 8:10 PM, Jamaica0007 said:

To find out that she had been seeing this guy for over a year without me knowing....

Out of curiosity, how many times did you enquire about her social and dating life during this period?  

[Wiseman2]

On 9/8/2022 at 12:22 AM, Jamaica0007 said:

 I was married to a very long time ago but then it transitioned to a friendship for the last 9 years.

You both need to move on with your lives. In fact that you're no longer attached or confidants or friends is a great sign that you're both finally not in this limbo and preventing effective dating or friendships for each other.

[glows]

To answer the question in the title, it’s fairly common. We outgrow one another occasionally and that’s fine.

You mentioned feeling low in the past couple of years. Then mentioned also not finding analyzing this further healthy and I agree with you. Say your goodbyes and accept that this is over and let go. Respect her wishes and the way she feels with is different from you.

Stay on top of other things you need to do or get to a place where you feel stable, confident and happy with yourself and whatever you’re doing. I think you relied on her too heavily as a friend and it’s time to heal forwards on your own without her.