looking inside: writings about a lost love

[McJr760]

 

I know I adore Sarah and I have told her how much I love her and appreciate her. I’ve told her how grateful I am that she came into my life and got me out of the hole I was in. I've told her how I would care for her and how important she really is to me. KNOWING ALL THAT she feels the need to try to look for something to be upset about.

I know she has trust issues, but as the saying goes ‘if you focus on finding the negatives, you will most likely find them.’ which means that if she has the thought in her mind like i gotta see if this dude is hiding something, then you’re probably gonna find something unfavorable. Now in this case she found out that i used to comment on girls' pictures when i was single and she put together that i am “obsessed” with Juliette: a person i haven't had a face-to-face conversation with or any kind of conversation for that matter, in about ten years. And while doing her digging, she doesn't feel the need to confront me about any of it. Instead she lets her suspicions pile up and eventually topple over on coincidence, pure coincidence.

If you go into my search history right now you will see that before i even wrote her name down i did a google search for “common french names for a female in colonial america.” What about all the other women I flirted with online? Am I just perpetually entertained by other people? Am I just like every other guy in her eyes? She had the expectation that I would deceive her because of so many horrible people that she had in her life that screwed her over. I just need her to understand that I get where she is coming from. I have my own trust issues that I have to control. Every night that she would go out with people and drink way too much, I would lay here worrying about if she was flirting with other guys. I had to teach myself to trust her because I had to give her a chance. I learned who she was as a person and I accepted the fact that she has a lot of friends and didn't have any ill intentions or harmful impulses.

I had never felt more comfortable with someone before. And to know that she can’t feel that way with me tears me apart. I want to be with her forever. At least I think I do. That's what I'm confused about at this point: whether or not I want to be with someone who’s going to be constantly trying to find the hidden meaning. Constantly shielding herself because she thinks I'm going to turn into someone opposite of who I am at heart. I want to be with someone who feels like they can rely on me and will want me to be around for everything. I want to endure the hardships of a relationship, but she needs to let me in first. I know her but I don't truly know her.

Even after almost 5 months she hasn't let me hang out at her house. She only invited me over when we started having issues. And i [messed]that up with that stupid [ ] story. Its upsetting and im trying to be an adult about this and give her the space she needs. That's why I'm writing this instead of texting her ridiculously long messages about my devotion and how sorry I am.

I’ve tried to plead with her but she is a tough cookie and when she has her mind made up she will not change it without hard evidence. Until she is ready to meet me face to face i am bound to this plane of agony and constant yearning for her. I miss Sarah so much, and I fear she doesn't miss me.

I wrote her a story about our love and she said that she still loves me, and she just needs time. [ ]. Quite frankly i can only wait so long. Im worried that i’ll end up moving on and there will be no more connection between us. Her love is all i need in this world. I don't feel complete without her. I'm constantly flipping back and forth between being mad at her ridiculous accusations, to missing her immensely and wanting to call her to try to fix things. But I don't call her because I know she won't answer.

If i was smart i would just cut it off and protect myself by blocking her on every social outlet. I can't bring myself to do that though until I know for a fact that she no longer wants to be a part of my life. I'm hoping that day never comes. I feel so much potential between us when I'm with her. I can really see myself spending the rest of my life with that woman. I am able to look past most flaws because i actually do understand people. I get why she acts the way she acts, but I don't fully understand how to help her. Mostly because she wont open up to me yadda yadda. I just hope she comes around soon. I need my habibti. I need my sarah. 

After thinking about this all day, I think I've come to realize that I don't need her. If she wants me back, i might go but with some rules. Like make sure to confront me if she has an issue with something. Or to make time for us so we can keep the romance alive. But if she doesn't want me — I'm ok with that too. I’ll be ok by myself. I know who i am now and i feel like i can meet someone better than sarah, which i is a hard thought to think.

I want so badly to love her, but i think what i want most is to be loved. So i’m grasping onto the first person i encounter that shows me affection. I don't want to let that go, the physical connection and knowing that I have someone there to call my own. Doesn’t mean that has to be sarah, it could any woman. So in either case, i will keep on keeping on and find who i’m truly supposed to be with. I just think sarah and i can build a great life together. She has her goals and i have mine. I don't see anything wrong with having someone on your side. But she wants to do things by herself, maybe i’m giving her too much praise that it seems like a charade, like a cover up. Maybe it's my unconditional love and support that makes her feel like I'm guilty for something when in reality that's just who I am and how I really feel about her. I won't really know until she talks to me. I just hope that she never see this. I want her to think that i don't want anything else but to be with her. Which i feel like she does, and that might be overwhelming for her. Im hoping she’ll realize the possibility that there is a person(me) with the sole mission to be her rock and her homebase. 

The longer that I am away from Sarah the more I realize how I don't truly love her. That realization is comforting – but at the same time – saddening. I guess i just lusted for her. What i really loved was her touch and the company she provided. I loved the idea of a blossoming romance. I got caught up in the fact that she was a lost soul herself and we found ourselves by finding each other. I suppose i thought we needed each other. Well more that i needed her. Sarah made it very clear from the beginning that she was ‘single by choice for a long time.’ i should of bailed right after she said that. I chose to ignore the red flags and see the good in her. I was blinded by love. The ball is in her court at this point. This limbo state is something new to me. Old justin would have already broken up with her over my old trust and self esteem issues. I can handle it now though. I learned to focus on what I'm doing first and foremost; if she comes around then she comes around. If not, then so be it too. It's not that I don't want her around. I don't want to be consistently thought of as a liar though. I don't think there is a way for me to prove my loyalty with this girl. With her view on men and her past experiences–she might be incapable of seeing past this. 

I’m somewhat starting to look forward to meeting someone new. I have high hopes for the next one. I know I told myself that the next girl I met-which was sarah- that I would sink my claws into and she would be the one. But those sorts of things are not one sided. I don't know why I would think like that, but that's how I viewed relationships. I guess I never really got past the lust phase, when their true personality starts to show. It's a strange thing, but I have to keep looking. 

Well it finally happened. She officially broke it off and I feel like my heart got ripped out. I’m going to miss her. But she won't miss me, and she clearly never loved me. 

Edited September 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language, paragraphs

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, McJr760 said:

  Even after almost 5 months she hasn't let me hang out at her house. She only invited me over when we started having issues. 

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? How old is she? What do you mean by "she got you out of a hole"?

What was the breakup about? Do you wish to reconcile?

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, McJr760 said:

I need my habibti.

I take it she's middle eastern?

[heartoutside]

Your story is very relatable at least for me.  It's very easy to be swept up in the moment of the relationship, especially in the very begin.  My latest break up is similar in that I was found a partner that I clicked with on every level and I felt for once I was in a relationship where the little issues were things we were suppose to work on together, but in hindsight, she never wanted to work on them fully.  

It will get better with time, just be patient with yourself.