He prioritizes his friends too much?

[Runninggirl]

Ive been dating this guy since the start of july, and he seem very sweet and nice. He spends most of his free time at home gaming, or hanging out with his friends. He has told his mother about me, but I haven't officially met his family yet.

He hangs out with his guy friends every, or every other weekend. Mostly the ones that are single, and they are not very "lucky" with women. They just meet and get food and talk about whatever guys talk about, go out for beer, etc. 

I met these guys at a bar about a month ago. We were both out partying, and I suggested to meet up, and he told me to come to where they were. His friends seem to love me, and one of them asked me a lot about how I felt about the guy I was seeing, saying he was "hoping we would be official". I doubt the guy Im seeing has said much, as he is not the type to talk a lot about personal things.

I feel like we meet up too little. We only meet once every or every other week. He takes initiative, but whenever I invite him over his responses always seem a bit mediocre? Last week we didn't meet up, because our only day where both had time, I invited him but he said he had "promised that he would game online with the guys". I was a bit annoyed. This weekend neither of us had plans. I wanted him to initiate because I did the last time, but he didnt on friday. He texts me a lot, always replies, and has been extra nice to me over text this past week - so I thought he really missed me!!

I just asked him "do you have plans saturday, or do you wanna come to my place?  ". His response was "Dont know what my plans are yet. Was talk about meeting the guys, but Im probably going home after, so can probably stop by" 

I was a bit gutted by his response. If he had plans - fine, but it made me feel like a back up/second choice, or just keeping me around for sex later, not really interested in hanging. 

And am I really unfair to expect the guy Im seeing to choose me over the guys, at least every now and then when there's nothing special happening? At least when the plans are made yet. If he responded "I made plans to meet the guys, but can stop by later if that's good with you?", I would feel much happier. 

Am I reading too much into things? He really seem into me, and usually warm and flirtatious, caring, and he's not seeing anyone else. He just really lacks initiative, and maybe takes me for granted? 

Advice? I really like this guy

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Ive been dating this guy since the start of july.I just asked him "do you have plans saturday, or do you wanna come to my place?  ". His response was "Dont know what my plans are yet. Was talk about meeting the guys, but Im probably going home after, so can probably stop by" 

Sorry this is happening. It's remarkable that you tolerated it this long. If someone would rather play beer pong or whatever than be with you, this is someone to let go of.

[Runninggirl]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's remarkable that you tolerated it this long. If someone would rather play beer pong or whatever than be with you, this is someone to let go of.

Thanks. Its not only like this obviously, and he takes initiative to see me. He doesn't rather ask the guys than me, but seems like he has FOMO whenever the guys are doing something, and that he feels like he can see me "anytime". It also worries me that he would be fine going two weeks without seeing me, only chatting. 

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

He really seem into me

I don't get this impression, actually. 

He seems very lukewarm. You're who he sees when he doesn't have anything else going on. I promise you that a guy who is really into you isn't going to game with buddies (whom he sees all the time) online when he could see his new love interest. A guy who is excited about you wouldn't want to spend two weeks just chatting to you - he would be arranging dates with you and looking for ways to spend time with you. 

This isn't FOMO or taking you for granted. It's just low interest. 

 

[glows]

32 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Thanks. Its not only like this obviously, and he takes initiative to see me. He doesn't rather ask the guys than me, but seems like he has FOMO whenever the guys are doing something, and that he feels like he can see me "anytime". It also worries me that he would be fine going two weeks without seeing me, only chatting. 

I’d think someone like this is preoccupied or distracted with something else in his life so this would be a no go, personally. 

If I were in your shoes I’d stop calling, texting or asking about how he is. Just almost no effort and carry on with my life. I’d be ok “growing apart” and letting this one go if you’re not compatible either in terms of lifestyle. 

If you feel there’s something here worth working with then have a conversation. This early into dating and seeing these kinds of behaviours would be a turn off for me so I personally wouldn’t have much to say. 

Edited September 10, 2022 by glows

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

Last week we didn't meet up, because our only day where both had time, I invited him but he said he had "promised that he would game online with the guys". 

 

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I just asked him "do you have plans saturday, or do you wanna come to my place?  ". His response was "Dont know what my plans are yet. Was talk about meeting the guys, but Im probably going home after, so can probably stop by" 

This^ is beyond low interest, it's downright insulting.

I'm curious what story you're telling yourself that makes this acceptable behavior when a man is interested in you?

@Runninggirl, my advice is to raise standards.

While I acknowledge it's unrealistic to expect to be made a priority this early in, when a man rejects a woman's offer for a date (twice?) because he might be gamimg or hanging out with his buddies, this is not the behavior a man who has any or very little romantic interest in you.

Hate to say, but a part of me suspects it may be some sort of 'compliance test' to test your interest and get you chasing. 

There are plenty of men who follow this advice (PUA), I've heard it straight from the horse's mouth.  

In any event, if you choose to continue seeing him, stop doing that (chasing).  Inviting him over, calling, texting, initiating dates.

By doing so you are reinforcing that what he's doing is "working" and he will continue the behavior. Essentially rewarding him for low interest behavior.

We teach people how to treat us.

Good luck. 

 

 

 

Edited September 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I just asked him "do you have plans saturday, or do you wanna come to my place?  ". His response was "Dont know what my plans are yet. Was talk about meeting the guys, but Im probably going home after, so can probably stop by" 

I don't know why you are putting up with this, but you need to break up with this guy, like now.

He spends most of his free time playing video games?  To me that is such a turn-off.  And he clearly is not very interested in you.  Only someone with low self-esteem would accept this.  Have higher standards for yourself than this, and walk away.  

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Thanks. Its not only like this obviously, and he takes initiative to see me. He doesn't rather ask the guys than me, but seems like he has FOMO whenever the guys are doing something, and that he feels like he can see me "anytime". It also worries me that he would be fine going two weeks without seeing me, only chatting. 

I’m assuming you are early 20s. 

how far apart do you to live?  How many minutes to drive from one to another?

what sort of schedules do you have for planning dates? Do you know far ahead that Friday and Saturday night and a week night are very open for planning?

[smackie9]

Any guy I have ever date, if I can't hang with him and his friends, do things together with frequency, it's not worth my time. He sounds like a clueless nerd and is a bit thick headed in what is truly involved when being in a relationship. I suggest you have a talk with him about it. It will either straighten him out, and he learns to adjust, or it will be a total bust and you dump him.

Edited September 10, 2022 by smackie9

[bene]

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I just asked him "do you have plans saturday, or do you wanna come to my place?  ". His response was "Dont know what my plans are yet. Was talk about meeting the guys, but Im probably going home after, so can probably stop by" 

I think he’s treating it very casually or is totally clueless about dating women or practices some PUA crap. It’s up to you if you’re ok with this. Come on, you don’t leave a woman you’re dating hanging like this. I’d understand if there was some once in a lifetime event with friends but just to expect a woman to wait around until he plays video games and maybe has time to stop by later?

I don’t think you are on the same page at all.

[Gaeta]

Is this your first dating experience? because you don't seem to know what it looks like when a man is into you. This man is not, at all, into you. You are low on his priority list, he sees you when he has nothing else going on. To tell you the truth I don't think he likes you that much. He's giving you the bare minimum (texting) to keep you around, probably for the sex. 

Let this one go, he's still a boy. 

[Runninggirl]

An update from me:  

Saturday was a bust, I just felt like he must be disinterested. Late in the evening I got a text when he was on his way home from friends. I refrained from texting him the entire night, because he didn't text me once. I expected it to be a classic bootycall after drinking, but he texted "Im sorry things got so late, time just flew by, are you free tomorrow if you want to meet up?" 

I was still very annoyed, but surprised he apologized like that. He came to my place on sunday, we went for a walk together and then got home and watched a movie he wanted me too see, and I told him he could sleep over. He was very nice, and seemed eager to impress me a bit, which was nice. And when we were lying in bed I was making a joke about something with me, and he accidentally called me girlfriend, by saying to my joke "Yes, Ive always dreamt of getting a girlfriend that..." and stopped himself realizing what he said. So I realized I probably overreacted a bit by feeling so rejected just because he had plans with the guys and chose them over me. I think I have a bit of abandonment issues, and an anxious attachment styl. 

But the next morning when he was in the shower I did the stupid thing and checked his phone, I didnt have his password, but I could see Siris suggested app, and the first was Tinder. Im quite new to dating after being involved with someone for a long time previously. My heart dropped to the floor. I checked his instagram and he's now following anyone new, and he's not very active on snapchat except for with me. But to me Tinder is a HUGE red flag. I asked my friends today about it, and they said its very normal in 2022 that no one wants to delete tinder until you have the exclusivity talk. 

Right now Im ready to just drop him based on tinder, Im not sure if Im overreacting. I plan on confronting him. I didnt have time in the morning because we both had to get to work. I want to confront him in real life. Im hoping to see him this weekend. Im very bad at confrontation, how to put my feelings into words, so Im gonna plan what to say. 

Maybe next time he asks to see me, I should just say "Im sorry, I heard you were active on Tinder, and I feel like Ive been clear that I only date on person at the time. After so long it feels disrespectful and confusing, especially when you know Im not seeing other people. When you're dating other people, you're not with me, Im sorry." Is it too harsh to reject him? I want him to delete tinder and choose me, but I dont want it to make me the girl that comes with an ultimatum, or a position of "weakness". I want to show that I have self worth, and that he needs to behave in order to be with me. I dont want to end up in a relationship where I have to control and check on him. But I want him to do it because he feels like it, not because he feels pushed into a corner - hence why a rejection is better? 

[Despin]

I think it's a big mistake to date one person at a time. Waste of time focusing on one person especially when things are dragging like this. There's nothing to gain, and everything to lose, mainly time, and any opportunities that might have come up during the time you're waiting around to see if something is going to happen with this guy.

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

The fact that he is still on Tinder is not very important in your situation ... he has not prioritized you.  Seeing you one time every week, sometimes once every two weeks, is definitely not moving this relationship forward.  Whether he's meeting other women or hanging out with his friends, he's not with you.  

It sounds like he's probably an immature nerd who is more comfortable with the boys, gaming and geeking out, and is not really ready to have a relationship yet.  Tinder or no, if things are ok for you the way they are right now, carry on.  That's what is being offered.  

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

I want to show that I have self worth, and that he needs to behave in order to be with me

Girl, no. No, no, no. 

Don't view this as a naughty child who needs to smarten up. Instead, see it for what it is - a guy who takes this far more casually than you do. He's showing you that you are not high on his list of interests, and that he doesn't have the same expectations as you at all.

Instead of trying to whip him into shape, let him go and move on. When you want a guy to "behave", you're dating the wrong guy. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I dont want to end up in a relationship where I have to control and check on him.

Sorry but that's what you've got here.  You can not make him behave in order to be with you either.  People do what they want to do and he's doiing it.  It's not working for you so therefore it is up to you either put up with it or find another guy who already acts the way you like.  Stop getting involved with guys you want to change.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

But the next morning when he was in the shower I did the stupid thing and checked his phone, I didnt have his password, but I could see Siris suggested app, and the first was Tinder. Im quite new to dating after being involved with someone for a long time previously. My heart dropped to the floor. I checked his instagram and he's now following anyone new, and he's not very active on snapchat except for with me. But to me Tinder is a HUGE red flag. I asked my friends today about it, and they said its very normal in 2022 that no one wants to delete tinder until you have the exclusivity talk. 

Right now Im ready to just drop him based on tinder, Im not sure if Im overreacting. I plan on confronting him. I didnt have time in the morning because we both had to get to work. I want to confront him in real life. Im hoping to see him this weekend. Im very bad at confrontation, how to put my feelings into words, so Im gonna plan what to say. 

This is too much OP.

You're checking his phone.

He's on tinder.

He bootie calls you.

It's rare that confrontations go well. Just the fact that you used the word “confront” instead of something like “talk to him about it” should tell you something.

What are your general goals when it comes to dating? I know the relationship is still young (2 months) but you do need to have similar goals to keep moving forward, right?

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

But to me Tinder is a HUGE red flag. I asked my friends today about it, and they said its very normal in 2022 that no one wants to delete tinder until you have the exclusivity talk. 

Right now Im ready to just drop him based on tinder,

Why confront? He's on dating apps. Blows you off regularly to be with his "friends". Refuses to spend time with you. There's enough red flags to walk away with dignity and simply tell him you're not a match. No good comes of admitting you rifled through his phone. However your gut is telling you this whole thing is all wrong for you.

[NuevoYorko]

If you are bound and determined to keep this  going,  please at least take it for what it is:  a very casual, non-committal, low priority kind of deal.  You don't have any grounds to "make him behave" and he's not misbehaving, in any case.  He's doing what he feels like doing.  That's not wrong.  You have been going along with it.

Also - respect his privacy.   You have no right to be looking at his phone.  You're not in a formal relationship, and that is way out of line.

Edited September 12, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Gaeta]

Simple: when he made the comment * l've always wanted a girlfriend that*....he got caught off guard because he is online looking for a girlfriend. It's not you, he stopped dead because he was afraid you'd bring up a conversation about being gf/bf.

This man never did anything to make you think you're special to him, it was you reading into nothing.

I'd delete and block.

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I want to show that I have self worth, and that he needs to behave in order to be with me. 

You CANNOT change a person and you CANNOT make them "behave".  If you even need to say this, you shouldn't be with him.  The way you honor your self-worth is by looking at his behavior for what it is, and responding accordingly.  If his behavior is not good enough for you, then you need to walk away.  

[Calmandfocused]

I am very sorry to tell you this Op but this guy is not interested in you. 

If you believe otherwise then you are kidding yourself and really need to do some work on your self respect.

Intermittent breadcrumbs are not interest. 

Throw off the distorted love goggles, do yourself a favour, and get rid of this guy. 
 

Don’t date again until you are confident that you can make choices that are in your  best interest. 

[Runninggirl]

Hi! I need some immediate follow up advice!  

I definitely didnt read into things, because after he was at my place he became lukewarm for weeks. Eventually I gave up trying about a week ago. At that point he texted me once-twice per week, and it became obvious he had started talking to this girl from work so it seems (which makes sense with the timeline). Anyway, that's not relevant. The relevant part is here:

I decided this wasn't good enough and went into no contact. After a few days I got a snapchat from him, I very politely replied with little interest, and went right back into no contact. Its been a bit hard, I feel used, but I know no contact is for the best. Now that he realized he won't hear from me again he hasn't contacted me either. Unfortunately!!! He has bought his first apartment, and its almost right next to where I live. Its about 50-100m. We live in a small place, so we share the same road, same local grocery store, etc. We are bound to run into each other! 

He told me about this when we were still very much dating, and he seemed so excited to live close to me at the time, now its horrible. He moves here next week, which is why Im coming here to you! 

If I ran into him a year from now I wouldn't care, because then the dust is very settled. I would be polite, charming (show him what his missing hehe), happy, ask how he is and then walk away. Just treat him like a client at work. But I dont want to run into him two weeks into no contact, and Im sure he doesn't want that either. But its very weird to just ignore each other. 

Any advice? Im afraid seeing him will be awkward, but also give me a "set back", and make me hope he contacts me after if its nice...

Thoughts?  

[NuevoYorko]

Just be cordial and carry on.  Nothing much really happened between you - I am frankly disappointed that you didn't move on after you started this thread over a month ago.   

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

  Im afraid seeing him will be awkward, but also give me a "set back", and make me hope he contacts me after if its nice

Try not to hope for contact or reconciliation. Instead delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Protect your privacy and dignity.

If you run into him in the neighborhood, just be cordial and busy. No protracted chatting or anything. Just "hi nice to see you gotta run" . Done.

Edited October 23, 2022 by Wiseman2