He prioritizes his friends too much?

[Runninggirl]

He made me feel so safe until that last date which is when I made this post. He called me his girlfriend, he was very affectionate, made effort to see me, felt so close. Which is why it was difficult to meet him again, it felt like "coming home" which is probably stupid, because we didnt date for THAT long, but its just something about this guy. I can't believe its not mutual. This is a difficult one. Trying to take one day at the time

[glows]

Seeing exes especially this fresh is not an easy thing. That you had a conversation with him was very mature of you and it’s not to say it was required of you either but it does speak to your grace and ability to accept the circumstances. 

He’s familiar to you hence the feeling of familiarity or “coming home”. He’s not home though. It didn’t work and he’s moved on. 

[Runninggirl]

Thanks, and I know you're right @glows

I just hope it had some impact on him as well, at least a bit of regret or a positive impression. I was very polite, smiled a lot, and relaxed. It was not tense or forced at all. Feel happy about how I acted. I have no reason to act angry or bitter towards him, regardless of what he deserves, doesn't serve me in any way. Id rather put on a brave face and make him question his decisions

[glows]

No, it’s best to let go. What he thinks doesn’t matter and no need to impress him. You’re moving forward regardless of what he does or says. This man made the decision to date someone else. It means you’re free to see others without ever worrying about what impressions he has or what he thinks any longer. It’s not about him. This is about you moving forwards.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I just hope it had some impact on him as well, at least a bit of regret or a positive impression

Try to reframe this as dodging a bullet rather than a lost opportunity. There were issues all along. Once you get him off your social media and block him, you'll be able to redirect your energy to men you get along with better and aren't this problematic. It doesn't matter what he thinks, regrets, etc. He is seeing someone else and moved forward and you need to as well. You'll feel a lot better with the hope of a new, better relationship than allowing him to take up all your headspace.

[Runninggirl]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to reframe this as dodging a bullet rather than a lost opportunity. There were issues all along. Once you get him off your social media and block him, you'll be able to redirect your energy to men you get along with better and aren't this problematic. It doesn't matter what he thinks, regrets, etc. He is seeing someone else and moved forward and you need to as well. You'll feel a lot better with the hope of a new, better relationship than allowing him to take up all your headspace.

I know it doesn't matter for me, but it does make me feel a bit better knowing he might regret it because I was very nice and charming. Just relieve the feeling of being "rejected". 

[stillafool]

Well I'm glad to see you are finally putting this behind you.  Onwards and upwards to better things and better men.

[Runninggirl]

I was very good, but due to unfortunate turn of events I now feel worse. 

I ran into him again, but this time at a bar. I saw him, but we both pretended not to see each other, but his friend SCREAMED my name to get my attention, so I turned around, looked surprised and smiled and walked over to say hi. I said a few polite words to his friend, and didnt give him much attention, just a polite hug with no eye contact. He seemed bothered, which was fine. A bit later we were both in line to buy drinks, so I asked him how he was just polite banter, to quiet the awkward silence - because he was behaving VERY awkward. For no reason. I pretended as if nothing had happened and that we were just old friends. (We have known each other for a long time before dating). As I stated in the opening post we dated from the start of summer, but we hooked up a few times before this. 

He looked annoyed at me and said "looks like you have something to say". And I looked confused and said no, I was just wondering how you were. It wasn't a deep question either, I expected a "fine, what about you". He said he hated these awkward conversations, and I was shocked. He seemed a bit hostile in the way he said it, as if it was my FAULT? I didnt go up to him at any point, I haven't texted him or contacted him in any way. 

I tried to be calm and charming and said "You know me well enough that it shouldn't be awkward:)". And he then said "we weren't dating, we just met up a few times". I was shocked, both by him bringing it up, but also the way he said it with disgust. I knew he started seeing someone behind my back without ending things with me, so Im guessing he said that to feel as if he didnt do anything wrong, not feel as if he "cheated" in any way. So unnecessary to put it out there. I just looked stunned and confused, and he said "did you think we were?" and I said "Yes...? I mean Im looking for something serious, and if you couldn't picture that with me, that's totally fine, I would have wanted to know tho". And he started ranting that "he couldn't picture him becoming my boyfriend", "you should find someone else to be serious with", "this thing was totally just casual". I replied with "I misunderstood then, I didnt know you were a casual guy", and he became even more upset and said "I didnt hang out with you just for sex!". I said "Ok, so what was it for you", and he said "it was just nice". 

I just replied calmly that I was looking for someone that was 100% committed, and that he wasn't was fine, I tried to smile and be super calm to calm him down, but he just replied "Then we agree?!". And I had no idea. For some reason it felt like he was having a break up conversation with me there and then, at the same time stating that we never dated. And I never brought up anything in the first place. 

I feel very confident about the way I handled it though, I was very calm, not at all emotional or anything, just stated what I was looking for, and that I had misunderstood the situation, and it was fine. I dont understand the hostility, why he seemed so angry and uncomfortable. I honestly didnt do anything but be polite and friendly towards him. Didnt follow him or go after him or wanted to have a private conversation with him. 

I am so confused. 

And why the need to clarify that we were NOT dating. Although we clearly was. Has to do with him straying. And why was he so angry at me. He acted as if he was breaking up with me because I was cheating on him after a four year relationship. He wasn't that drunk either, maybe like a few beers maximum. I was stunned. I tried to say that we were cool, talk to you later, gave him a hug (which he prolonged until I ended it) went back to my friends and pretended like nothing happened towards them. 

I went home and have felt shitty every since. I just dont understand the need to s*** on my like that. He was several times really stating that we would NEVER be together, he had NO faith in "that project" as he called it, and that it was "hopeless from the start". And if we weren't dating, ok, but why introduce me to all your friends, make plans with me every week, daytime and evening. Why walk about moving in and so on.

I just felt gaslighted.

Thanks... Hopefully this is the last update on this guy in a while, Im not going out anymore until after christmas anyway because work is crazy busy until christmas. Just staying in. Yesterday I even ended up going to the store late late in the evening because I didnt want to run into him. Lol. 

thinking about just taking a vacation somewhere in january, just get away would be healthy! If I can get a friend to go with me, prices are so expensive these days 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Just staying in. Yesterday I even ended up going to the store late late in the evening because I didnt want to run into him. Lol. 

thinking about just taking a vacation somewhere in january, just get away would be healthy! If I can get a friend to go with me, prices are so expensive these days 

Sorry this happened. You don't have to revolve your life around avoiding him just walk away from  postmortem dating discussions on chance encounters. Yes plan a vacation to reset and recharge yourself. At some level he thought it was FWB, so it's important not to act hurt or even engage him on any level.

[Runninggirl]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You don't have to revolve your life around avoiding him just walk away from  postmortem dating discussions on chance encounters. Yes plan a vacation to reset and recharge yourself. At some level he thought it was FWB, so it's important not to act hurt or even engage him on any level.

I didnt. I think I reacted well, actually I didnt react much at all. Just tried to give a good and sane impression, and hide the hurt and just act confused which I was, and ended the conversation as natural as I could, tried to leave him with a hug and small talk, and just avoided him. I won't avoid him like this forever, I was just thinking a few weeks. No idea why he would lash out like that for a FWB-situation. 

Im trying to convince a girlfriend to go on vacation with me now, but she said it might be too expensive. Contemplating just going alone, I have before and it was nice. Might be a empowering experience. Thinking maybe mexico or caribbean. 

[glows]

That was extremely rude and uncalled for on his part. 

Keep your distance around him especially in mutual circles. Smile and wave if someone calls out to you. They can physically come up to you to say hi - don’t be anywhere near him. Consider the chapter closed. He’s not available and you don’t need to worry about him anymore. 

You were struggling with rejection earlier and coming to terms that he’s moved on with someone else. Be with your loved ones and people who care about you, not this guy. I think planning a vacation is a great idea.

Edited November 12, 2022 by glows

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

, and ended the conversation as natural as I could, tried to leave him with a hug and small talk, and just avoided him. I won't avoid him like this forever, I was just thinking a few weeks. No idea why he would lash out like that for a FWB-situation. 

The better idea is avoiding him for good and respecting that distance and space. Why do you keep going back to believing you both are friends? Isn’t it clear from this conversation he doesn’t want to have much to do with you?

Stop being someone’s punching bag. Beer or no beer he’s not someone who wants you around and doesn’t think much of what you shared. Let him go.

[Runninggirl]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

The better idea is avoiding him for good and respecting that distance and space. Why do you keep going back to believing you both are friends? Isn’t it clear from this conversation he doesn’t want to have much to do with you?

Stop being someone’s punching bag. Beer or no beer he’s not someone who wants you around and doesn’t think much of what you shared. Let him go.

Yes, I didnt mean as friends. I meant stop avoiding as in not being afraid of running into him at the supermarket and so on, like I am now. Not sure why he was demonizing me so much.

[glows]

My guess is he didn’t like you being around him or trying to hug him. He doesn’t want to be around you.

Are you suggesting he still has feelings for you? That line of thinking has to end. You’ve been looking for signs of regret from this person for awhile but it’s turning into an obsession. 

If you see him in eggs in the supermarket, go directly to veggies. There’s no need to make any small talk or even say hello. This guy has to stop taking up so much space in your heart and mind. Be free to date someone else.

[Runninggirl]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

My guess is he didn’t like you being around him or trying to hug him. He doesn’t want to be around you.

Are you suggesting he still has feelings for you? That line of thinking has to end. You’ve been looking for signs of regret from this person for awhile but it’s turning into an obsession. 

If you see him in eggs in the supermarket, go directly to veggies. There’s no need to make any small talk or even say hello. This guy has to stop taking up so much space in your heart and mind. Be free to date someone else.

No, not that he has any romantic feelings, I just didnt understand why he approached me, or why he has such negative feelings, when nothing really happened. Ill just stay away, and if I bump into him Ill just smile and nod and walk away I think. And just back to square one, focus on other things. I dont feel like dating anyone right now, I just feel a bit off. Whatever happens happens, and if I meet someone I want it to be organic. I dont feel like going on dating apps and so on right now. Just focus on work until the holidays, and spend time with family, and perhaps plan a trip so I have something to be excited about.

As always so grateful for having a place like loveshack to share, get it out, and get real input! Thanks everyone

[stillafool]

I got the impression he feels you're following him and showing up to places you know he'll be at and is annoyed about it.  When his friend yelled your name and waved why did you go over there instead of just waving and going back to what you were doing.  The friend could have been teasing him by calling you over knowing it would annoy him, guys do that.  It sounds like he said those things to you because he once and for all wanted to get it all out in the open so you would now stop following him.  I'm not saying he's right but that is the impression I got from what you wrote. I would try not to frequent places you know he'll be and just avoid him.

[Runninggirl]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I got the impression he feels you're following him and showing up to places you know he'll be at and is annoyed about it.  When his friend yelled your name and waved why did you go over there instead of just waving and going back to what you were doing.  The friend could have been teasing him by calling you over knowing it would annoy him, guys do that.  It sounds like he said those things to you because he once and for all wanted to get it all out in the open so you would now stop following him.  I'm not saying he's right but that is the impression I got from what you wrote. I would try not to frequent places you know he'll be and just avoid him.

He was yelling my name and doing the "come here"-move with his hands, I thought it would be awkward not to do it. I also quickly left. I was at the bar first, and he came up to me, and also the place is a place I introduced him and his friends to, because its my "always go to place", which he knows. He had never been there before I took him there. so its strange if he feels like Im following him. But could ofc be. Also its not just up to me to quit going to the places me and my friends always go to, because then I have to make that decision on behalf of everyone, and we always go to the same place. 

But ofc he could be feeling like he can't get rid of me, and be annoyed by that. I just think its strange to come up to me and lash out without reason, he could have just waited until I went away from the bar with my drinks and then gone after me. Or just been cold and rejective. But Ill never know. Its unfortunate to date someone in your close circles. We also have a lot of mutual friends, which is why his friends became so quickly "close" to me, because they're just extended friends. If that makes sense

Edited November 12, 2022 by Runninggirl
added more

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I won't avoid him like this forever, I was just thinking a few weeks. No idea why he would lash out like that for a FWB-situation. 

Because it's obvious to him you are still hung up on him and he doesn't want that.  You do tend to run into him a lot and he's taking it as you chasing after him and it's unwelcomed.  He doesn't want to be your friend or anything else.  Like Glows said if you run into him at the Supermarket and he's in Meats turn and go to Veggies or another market.  

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Runninggirl said:

He was yelling my name and doing the "come here"-move with his hands, I thought it would be awkward not to do it. 

No it would have been more lady like to stay put, wave and turn back around to what you were doing.  If he wants you he knows how to walk over and talk.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Also its not just up to me to quit going to the places me and my friends always go to, because then I have to make that decision on behalf of everyone, and we always go to the same place. 

You and your friends can still go to those places but when you see him stay away from him.

Edited November 12, 2022 by stillafool

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

We also have a lot of mutual friends, which is why his friends became so quickly "close" to me, because they're just extended friends. If that makes sense

You can still be friends with them without talking to him or asking about him.  Just pretend he doesn't exist.

[Els]

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Im trying to convince a girlfriend to go on vacation with me now, but she said it might be too expensive. Contemplating just going alone, I have before and it was nice. Might be a empowering experience. Thinking maybe mexico or caribbean. 

Definitely go on your own! I know it sounds cliche, but I have always "found myself" during solo travel. Taking in the sounds and sights and tastes and conversations of a new country is not just empowering, but also invigorating and freeing. I end up meeting more people than I would if I was travelling with my partner or a friend (I don't mean men necessarily - I mostly talked to women and couples because I'm married - but if you're open to that, why not?). It can be challenging at times, especially if you're fresh out of a breakup, but I also really think that it would be a healing experience in the end.

[Noproblem]

I disagree with others, I feel you need to let what you feel out of your chest.

Just tell him how shitty his behiavor was, and how it made you feel,  how you are over it now, but at the same time, you don't want any more contacts.

Then wish him well and that's that. Block him after, don't even read his reply. Or if you can't block him don't even talk to him after that.

 

 

So later if he ever sees you, he freaking doesn't touch you or hug you as if nothing happened.

 

 

 

Edited November 13, 2022 by Noproblem

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he was more annoyed than angry, OP. 

The bar is not the place for a conversation like that, and he's moved on. It's time for you to let go, too. No more chats with him. If you bump into him, nod hello and keep moving. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

He was yelling my name and doing the "come here"-move with his hands, I thought it would be awkward not to do it

You don't have to be friends with him or be at his beck and call. Simply be busy with your own friends, a simple wave or nod is fine.  Let go and stop giving him all this headspace. You'll feel a lot better.