Jealous friend

[HazelBliss]

I ranted about a great guy I met in another forum..he's amazing by the way.. but NOW, I have a friend I met several months ago who seems pretty jealous. If I mention anything positive or give intimate but not too detailed info, she says "TMI!" yet I've had to listen to graphic details about her encounters with multiple men.. which still didn't bother me.. I figured that is what girlfriends do.. so why is it TMI for me? When I asked, she quietly said "yeah......" and was silent for about 5 seconds.. THEN changed the subject and proceeded to ask about some IG post I sent her. I felt a way about that because this isn't the first time she's reacted weirdly to something I've said but I overlooked it because I know jealousy can be a normal reaction in certain situations... I started to question it when negative remarks were made to make herself feel better. I haven't even been claimed yet.. I am just dating so it's not like she has anything really to be jealous about. So now I am finding myself refraining and holding back to be considerate of her feelings.. When she brags about things I am happy for her and just listen even when I am having a bad day... because I want all of my friends to be great..She is a cool person but when it comes to men I am noticing too many hypocrisies and her competitive nature. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

When she brags about things I am happy for her and just listen even when I am having a bad day... because I want all of my friends to be great..She is a cool person but when it comes to men I am noticing too many hypocrisies and her competitive nature. 

Try not to be friends with those types of people.

This one woman got engaged and she's mentioned it a gazillion times. It's like, ok we know you're engaged, are you fishing for compliments or just trying to show that you're better than everyone else.

 

 

Edited September 10, 2022 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

Since you only met her a few months ago I guess you know by now she is incompatible as a friend.  I would pull away from her and interact with your long time friends who get you.

[basil67]

Friends are like boyfriends, hairdressers or jobs:  You stay with it until it doesn't work anymore.   

 

Edited September 10, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

..She is a cool person but when it comes to men I am noticing too many hypocrisies and her competitive nature. 

I would stop confiding in or listening to this friend that much. She may be a good friend but if taking about dates/men is a heated topic, don't discuss this topic with this particular friend.

[HazelBliss]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I would stop confiding in or listening to this friend that much. She may be a good friend but if taking about dates/men is a heated topic, don't discuss this topic with this particular friend.

Ditto!! I stopped. Yesterday confirmed that she isn’t in a great place. I sent her a video of this couple in italy. The scenery was beautiful and romantic but she jokingly asked me to stop sending her those type of videos with couples due to her current frustration in the dating world... ridiculous but okay..lol

[ShyViolet]

If you only met her a few months ago, and you're already having these problems with her, then just distance yourself from her.  She's not a good friend if she's acting like this.  You don't need friends like this.

[Weezy1973]

11 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Ditto!! I stopped. Yesterday confirmed that she isn’t in a great place. I sent her a video of this couple in italy. The scenery was beautiful and romantic but she jokingly asked me to stop sending her those type of videos with couples due to her current frustration in the dating world... ridiculous but okay..lol

It's a bit of an immature view, but I see it quite often. Other people's happiness sometimes makes them sad for whatever reason. You getting a potential boyfriend has nothing to do with her lack of success dating. Genuine friends just want their friends to be happy. But there are also different "levels" of friendship - she could be great to hang out with, but just not somebody to share everything with emotionally. That's fine I think.

[HazelBliss]

On 9/11/2022 at 5:42 PM, Weezy1973 said:

It's a bit of an immature view, but I see it quite often. Other people's happiness sometimes makes them sad for whatever reason. You getting a potential boyfriend has nothing to do with her lack of success dating. Genuine friends just want their friends to be happy. But there are also different "levels" of friendship - she could be great to hang out with, but just not somebody to share everything with emotionally. That's fine I think.

This is sooooooo true and was just talking about that earlier. Our friendship is certainly on a different level. 

[Wiseman2]

Didn't they coin the portmanteau "frenemy" for this type of thing? 

[stillafool]

On 9/11/2022 at 6:02 AM, HazelBliss said:

Ditto!! I stopped. Yesterday confirmed that she isn’t in a great place. I sent her a video of this couple in italy. The scenery was beautiful and romantic but she jokingly asked me to stop sending her those type of videos with couples due to her current frustration in the dating world... ridiculous but okay..lol

Stop sending her things.  Just let her go.

[glows]

On 9/10/2022 at 3:20 PM, HazelBliss said:

 If I mention anything positive or give intimate but not too detailed info, she says "TMI!" yet I've had to listen to graphic details about her encounters with multiple men.. which still didn't bother me.. I figured that is what girlfriends do.. so why is it TMI for me?

It sounds more selfish than anything else if the conversations always have something to do with her or need to be about her. She’s insecure and you’ll keep walking on eggshells until she recovers from what she’s dealing with. It’s clear you care about your friends but it’s not reciprocated. It’s a good idea to distance yourself. You both may rekindle a friendship some other time but don’t invest more in this if it’s so fatiguing and one sided.

[HazelBliss]

On 10/1/2022 at 9:36 AM, glows said:

It sounds more selfish than anything else if the conversations always have something to do with her or need to be about her. She’s insecure and you’ll keep walking on eggshells until she recovers from what she’s dealing with. It’s clear you care about your friends but it’s not reciprocated. It’s a good idea to distance yourself. You both may rekindle a friendship some other time but don’t invest more in this if it’s so fatiguing and one sided.

Welp, I don't learn because it happened again. She said a conversation we had was awkward and " her virgin ears" so I respectfully pointed out and gave examples of her being way more graphic and detailed about her sexcapades and that I didnt care. Mind you the conversation wasn't even about me. But anywho she began to laugh because she knew I was right and I responded " It's only okay when you talk about yourself right?" She continues to laugh hysterically but then the conversation went silent and then all I hear is her rummaging around like my phone was in her pocket so I just hung up. I'm over it. Friendship doesn't seem genuine. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with what you want to discuss, but when youre doing the same thing and worse, what sense does that make..

[glows]

6 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

Welp, I don't learn because it happened again. She said a conversation we had was awkward and " her virgin ears" so I respectfully pointed out and gave examples of her being way more graphic and detailed about her sexcapades and that I didnt care. Mind you the conversation wasn't even about me. But anywho she began to laugh because she knew I was right and I responded " It's only okay when you talk about yourself right?" She continues to laugh hysterically but then the conversation went silent and then all I hear is her rummaging around like my phone was in her pocket so I just hung up. I'm over it. Friendship doesn't seem genuine. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with what you want to discuss, but when youre doing the same thing and worse, what sense does that make..

Pardon, did you hang up on her? I’m sorry it was so frustrating. I’m not sure about the hysterical laughing. She may be dealing with other mental health issues. That’s ok. Just let go.

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

Welp, I don't learn because it happened again. She said a conversation we had was awkward and " her virgin ears" so I respectfully pointed out and gave examples of her being way more graphic and detailed about her sexcapades and that I didnt care. Mind you the conversation wasn't even about me. But anywho she began to laugh because she knew I was right and I responded " It's only okay when you talk about yourself right?" She continues to laugh hysterically but then the conversation went silent and then all I hear is her rummaging around like my phone was in her pocket so I just hung up. I'm over it. Friendship doesn't seem genuine. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with what you want to discuss, but when youre doing the same thing and worse, what sense does that make..

Send her the Nick Cannon song.

lol

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I don't learn because it happened again.

I would ask yourself why you kept letting this happen. 

It's good that you have let go of her now. But I would spend some time reflecting on why you continued the friendship after all the complaints you (understandably) outlined the first time you posted. What were you hoping would change, and why? 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would ask yourself why you kept letting this happen. 

It's good that you have let go of her now. But I would spend some time reflecting on why you continued the friendship after all the complaints you (understandably) outlined the first time you posted. What were you hoping would change, and why? 

I completely agree with this^.  At this point if it happens again you can only blame yourself.  It's clear this woman does not want you as a friend.

[HazelBliss]

On 10/3/2022 at 9:12 AM, stillafool said:

I completely agree with this^.  At this point if it happens again you can only blame yourself.  It's clear this woman does not want you as a friend.

She's cool.. I just think when it comes to men.. shes in bad place and wants my current experience. I mentioned something about getting waxed the other day because shes done it before.. and I said that I couldn't "get in there good" with shaving lol and she said TMI.. BUT JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO, she ranted about her lesbian experience and gave explicit detail and yesterday, sent me a photo of her at the gym.. with her breasts out unsupported.. who can really work out like that but to each his own. All that doesn't bother me but when I mention something so minor she gets all bent out of shape which tells me that she has some personal issues she has to tend to.. All my other friends are content with themselves and we talk about everything. We're in our late 30's.. if she wants to be immature thats her problem. Im not letting her get to me anymore and don't care if shes in my life or not at this point. I was just pointing out the hypocrisy.

[glows]

She’s dismissive of your experiences. It’s natural not to want to be around that.

[Alpacalia]

The problem seems to be that you keep insisting on being friends with this woman, HazelBliss. I have yet to hear anything encouraging about her. It is true that we all have our limits and differences in tastes. It makes you uncomfortable hearing about her lesbian experiences, and she feels the same way about hearing about your shaved feminine parts.

Que Sera Sera.

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

The problem seems to be that you keep insisting on being friends with this woman, HazelBliss. I have yet to hear anything encouraging about her. It is true that we all have our limits and differences in tastes. It makes you uncomfortable hearing about her lesbian experiences, and she feels the same way about hearing about your shaved feminine parts.

Que Sera Sera.

I NEVER said her lesbian experiences made me uncomfortable..that doesnt bother me.. at all.. thats the whole point.. what bothers me is her explicit details and experiences being okay for me to listen to but not mine which aren't even close to what shes tells me. SO I decided to vent on here. BUT yesterday I was honest with her about everything as I hate holding things inside and she apologized about the man part shes clearly jealous and need to direct that elsewhere and better herself to meet a nice guy. The other stuff still makes her uncomfortable despite what she tells me lol so I agree with everyone who said to leave her alone. 

Edited October 9, 2022 by HazelBliss

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

 BUT yesterday I was honest with her about everything as I hate holding things inside and she apologized about the man part shes clearly jealous and need to direct that elsewhere and bettering herself to meet a nice guy.

What did she say when you actually told her she was jealous and need to direct it elsewhere?

[Alpacalia]

25 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

I NEVER said her lesbian experiences made me uncomfortable..that doesnt bother me.. at all.. thats the whole point.. what bothers me is her explicit details and experiences being okay for me to listen to but not mine which aren't even close to what shes tells me. SO I decided to vent on here. BUT yesterday I was honest with her about everything as I hate holding things inside and she apologized about the man part shes clearly jealous and need to direct that elsewhere and better herself to meet a nice guy. The other stuff still makes her uncomfortable despite what she tells me lol so I agree with everyone who said to leave her alone. 

I understand.

Spend less time with her and focus more on others in these cases. It's okay to tell a friend you enjoy her company and listening to her stories, however you sometimes don't feel heard. Your friend is a friend, and you enjoy hearing about her life and her experiences, but you need more space for your own.

There is no such thing as friendship if it is one-sided. Your time and energy are not worth it. Even if you are a kind person who does not enjoy conflict, it is not always easy to break up with friends, but sometimes it is necessary.

[HazelBliss]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What did she say when you actually told her she was jealous and need to direct it elsewhere?

To sum it up, she admitted that she was jealous because shes having a hard time in the dating world and is going to focus on God and working out... ermm ok.

I just said "oh ok"... From what I observed, she thinks achieving a hot bod will attract what she wants... Even models get cheated on.. not that they deserve it but CLEARLY looks don't keep a relationship together nor does it attract men who are right for you. So there is still no accountability with her behavior which is enough for me to leave her be. I try to be understanding of peoples experiences and do give chances but at this point I've noticed too much. Jealousy is normal and obviously indicative of what you may be lacking and want.. thats normal but when you start making slick comments to your so called friend instead of focusing on yourself, it becomes s problem. I want all of my friends to prosper in life, in relationships and be successful. There have been moments where I thought to myself and said when will it be my turn, but I've always been happy for my friends and aspire to achieve those things. Ive ALWAYS been the single one out of the group and never behaved this way. Early in our friendship, I remember her saying she wanted us to have boyfriends and get married at the same time.. first off thats such a juvenile thing to say but its sooooo funny because I actually wondered how she'd react if I found someone first.

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I understand.

Spend less time with her and focus more on others in these cases. It's okay to tell a friend you enjoy her company and listening to her stories, however you sometimes don't feel heard. Your friend is a friend, and you enjoy hearing about her life and her experiences, but you need more space for your own.

There is no such thing as friendship if it is one-sided. Your time and energy are not worth it. Even if you are a kind person who does not enjoy conflict, it is not always easy to break up with friends, but sometimes it is necessary.

Agreed. We don't even hang out like that as she prefers to be in a mans presence. Everything added up, she doesnt know how to be a friend and is very selfish and hypocritical. This friendship is certainly one-sided and I don't feel comfortable moving forward.