yumyum Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 I just want to start by saying my boyfriend and I have been together for many months and I know he loves me. He is very attracted to me and seems to constantly have an erection. Therefore he always wants to have sex (he says its cause he wants to consumate his love for me). I dont want to have sex every day or even be reminded of sex everyday. He however thinks that if he gets hard and I dont want to have sex, then I should give him a hand or head job. I dont mind giving him hand or head jobs occassionally, or before we have sex, but he asks allllll the time (at least 3 times a week). I tell him to do it him self and he gets mad and we get into an arguement everytime i dont want to 'please' him. He says he does more for me (going down on me before sex) than I do for him and unless I finish him off it doesn’t count that I have him a hand or headjob. He says when we do have sex its because I want it which is really untrue, I give in to him mostly but hate telling him this because then he says I don’t want him sexually. I hate the constant pressure and I tell him this, but he says there is something wrong with me, that I don’t love him ect. We are constantly having this argument, I suppose because he wants to win. And why shouldn’t he want to win, its to his advantage to be in control and to be getting hand, head jobs when ever he wants. Even his theopist sides with me on this, but he dismisses what she has to say cause he says she is a woman. I even find my self gaining weight and not wanting to lose it just to make him less attracted to me. And I really hate the size I am now. Am I a cold hearted bitch or something? I dont know what to do.
RainyDayWoman Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 remind him that it is very hard to feel sexual when someone is pressuring to feel sexual. you have to want to do it, and he doesn't seem to give you the opportunity to want it--which makes you resentful and turns you off.
slubberdegullion Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 he asks allllll the time (at least 3 times a week)Uh, yumyum, three times a week is hardly all the time. I tell him to do it him self and he gets madAm I missing something here? "I don't want to touch you. Go masturbate" would piss me off too. No, it doesn't sound like you're a cold hearted bitch, otherwise this wouldn't bother you. But it's pretty clear that both you and he have a lot of work to do. Mismatching sexual levels of desire can cause real trauma in a relationship. And if you're unhappy with the way you look or how much you weigh, that also will cause troubles. Luckily, the remedy is simple (not easy, but simple): Eat less, exercise more. Being in better shape will do wonders for your libido. Trust me on this.
glittergurl Posted October 25, 2005 Posted October 25, 2005 True, 3 times a week is not all the time That's a healthy average (at least to me ) I agree with slubberdegullion about the way you sort of tell him to f?ck off on his own. On one side you use the wrong words to express yourself, and on the other side he's being too controlling. I think both of you need to make an effort.
tonyp56 Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 First of all, either he gets it from you, or he may end up getting it elsewhere. (Not all men, but why take a chance) Anyways, imagine how it would feel to be horny all the time, or most of the time. It is like eating, do you eat more than once a day, or once a week? Of course you do, and if you go to long without eating you get hungry again. When you have a high sex drive that is what it is like. I know, you don't need sex to survive, but the drive is there and it drives a person crazy. Perhaps you could talk to him, and come to a common agreement. Perhaps, you could give him lots of sex 2 or 3 times a week, then his end of the agreement would be he only can have sex with you those 2 or 3 times, and he can't ask for sex, head, and hand jobs any other days--though if you want to you could volunteer. I wouldn't say make a schedule, but commit to 2 or 3 times a week were you, well drain him. Another thing both of you should do is go to counseling. For you, that would be to help figure out why you don't have much of a sex drive, and for him that would be how to work on not being demanding of you to have sex. That way, perhaps the both of you can reach a agreement (the one above or addition to that or in place of that) so that both of you are happy. Work this problem, don't let it work you. If you love him, and he loves you, then both of you should be willing to fix this issue. You both will have to compromise, and both of you will have to learn to communicate to each other what you want and what you don't want. You telling him to go masturbate does nothing but make him feel like you don't want him, like he isn't good enough for you. Good luck, hope you do and will work this out.
RainyDayWoman Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 but imagine not being hungry at all and having someone try to force you to eat because they want you to. it just doesn't work.
tonyp56 Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 but imagine not being hungry at all and having someone try to force you to eat because they want you to. it just doesn't work. I didn't say that it was right what he was doing, I was simply trying to help her understand why he is the way he is. Sometimes, if we understand why someone is the way that they are, we can, because of this understanding, figure out a way to work around the problem. I know that it doesn't work, that is why I suggested both of them need counseling, and both of them will have to compromise. She says that he is being selfish with his demands, well it can be said that she is being selfish with her rejection, or dismissal of his needs and wants. The reverse of someone forcing food down your throat when you're not hungry, is someone not willing to give you food when you are starving. Both behaviors are selfish, both people will have to work on it, and both will have to compromise. If not, then they need to go their separate ways.
ButtonPusher Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 three times a week is hardly all the time. If I was a woman, and my boyfriend came to me three times a week, and said, "Hey luv come suck on my weiner so I can get off", 3 times a week WOULD be too much. In fact I would also tell him to go do it himself. In my experience, if you manage to turn on a woman she will be more than happy to have a suck or tug, but just undoing your fly and flopping your sausage out and requesting that your woman pleasure you is hardly a turn on. Surely you boys can see that or are you all completely stupid?
lindya Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 I just want to start by saying my boyfriend and I have been together for many months and I know he loves me. He is very attracted to me and seems to constantly have an erection. Therefore he always wants to have sex (he says its cause he wants to consumate his love for me). I dont want to have sex every day or even be reminded of sex everyday. Am I a cold hearted bitch or something? I dont know what to do. I don't think that cold hearted bitches ask questions like that, yumyum. You mentioned a few times in your post how your boyfriend feels about you, but you didn't really comment on whether you love him back. Do you feel that the two of you have sexual chemistry together? How are the other aspects of the relationship? Do you feel that you have a good emotional connection? ButtonPusher said If I was a woman, and my boyfriend came to me three times a week, and said, "Hey luv come suck on my weiner so I can get off", 3 times a week WOULD be too much. In fact I would also tell him to go do it himself. Certainly if that's the way it happens then I'd absolutely agree with her. On the other hand, if your boyfriend spends a lot of time in kissing, touching and trying to get you turned on for sex and it still leaves you feeling cold, then that sounds like a definite chemistry problem. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex every day. There's also nothing wrong with only wanting it a couple of times a week. What's wrong is when two people with different appetites (or different levels of attraction for eachother) start resenting and viewing eachother (or themselves) as being strange, uptight, over-sexed - whatever the labels that get applied - as a result of the differences. If sex has always been a problem for you, and the idea of it makes you feel stressed, then that's a different matter...but you haven't said as much in your post.
RainyDayWoman Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 What's wrong is when two people with different appetites (or different levels of attraction for eachother) start resenting and viewing eachother (or themselves) as being strange, uptight, over-sexed - whatever the labels that get applied - as a result of the differences. yes, right on.
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