3 year itch. a pattern or just my dumb luck

[heartoutside]

My gf of 3+ years just recently broke up with me and I know why.  She basically can't figure out what she wants and is scared by the idea of committing to a long term relationship.  The break up conversation was basically her doing all the talking and being confused and nonsensical.  I suggested we take a 2 week break from things just to make sure this is the decision she wants, and her answer was I don't think i can fix what is wrong with me in 2 weeks.  She then stood in the doorway for 5 mins, looking stunned, crying, lost and not knowing what to do.  I told her I don't know what to say, but I just want to say I love you, and she said I love you too and we said bye.

 

This is my 3rd serious relationship in 17 years.  All of which have lasted 3 + years.  I'm starting to wonder if it's me, or just dumb luck that the women I date are damaged.

1st relationship: I was in my early 20's and my gf at the time came from a bad household (abandon by her mother, father was an addict) but we got along amazingly.  Our sex life diminished in the last year or so and she eventually started "wondering" and becoming interested in another guy, whom she ended up dumping me for.

2nd relationship:  10 years later, after taking the time to work on myself, my life and my career I met another ex through a mutual friend.  This relationship, in hindsight was toxic and was full of red flags and her gaslighting me.  So I know why this ended and I'm glad it did, even though it was a very hard break up. 

3rd relationship: Current breakup.  We met online and was def not my type physically, but something about her energy and her smile brought me into her orbit.  I fell for her hard and I felt happy with the fact that I found a women whom I was attracted to for more then her looks and on a deeper level.  We became each others best friends and most avid supporters in life's ups and downs.  But she just never seemed to be able to commit.  After a year or so, I suggested we think about moving in together and she never got on board.  She then started going to therapy and her therapist suggested she try living with me for 2 weeks and see how it goes, it went perfectly.  That was about a year + ago.  At some point, I just stopped suggesting we move in together in hopes that she would just figure it out for herself, rather than it be something I kept nagging her about.   

Around July or so, while we are out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary, she says I think we should move in together.  I was shocked, she even had a plan on how to go about it (I own my place, but it's too small for both of us) and the plan seemed like a good one.   

Since then though things felt off.  Our sex life had been diminished for while, which she said was due to covid stress and life stress.  We had a conversation where I told her we've reached a point in relationship where things naturally get real and a diminished sex life isn't unexpected.  I told her that i feel our relationship is worth working on and pushing through the tough times to grow a deeper connection. In all honesty I don't think I really got a straight answer from her about how she felt aside from telling me that I've become her best friend and I know her better than her friends she's know for 20 years.  But she just seemed unsure.

I think part of the reason I'm taking this break up so well is because after that conversation, I think deep down, I knew things were over.  

It's been 3 months since that conversation and we broke up last week.

I miss her deeply and I do wonder if she misses me but right now I'm just trying to move forward and keep up with NC.

 

But my question is, is this a pattern that I'm creating or is just dumb luck?  Am I subconsciously seeking out damaged women or when I realize they are damaged am I too afraid to call them out on it and address it?

 

[ShyViolet]

Stop projecting this concept of "a pattern of failed relationships" onto yourself.  By that definition, anyone who is not married and who has had a dating history with a few relationships has a "pattern of failed relationships."  I am 41 and never got married, and have had a few boyfriends in my time.  Marriage is actually not something I want.  So yes, every relationship "fails" until you find one that doesn't.  It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you.  It's okay to have had relationships in your past that did not last forever.  It's okay to date around and to have multiple relationships in your life.  You learn from each one.

It's our job to learn from each relationship experience and keep working on ourselves as we move forward.  If you truly do notice that you are making the same mistakes in relationships over and over, then recognize it and make a conscious decision to change it.

Edited September 11, 2022 by ShyViolet

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, heartoutside said:

Our sex life diminished in the last year or so

 

2 hours ago, heartoutside said:

This relationship, in hindsight was toxic and was full of red flags and her gaslighting me.

 

2 hours ago, heartoutside said:

But she just never seemed to be able to commit. 

Look back at the above. It seems you stay in relationships past their expiration dates and overlook the red flags when they're waving at you. And everyone has had so-called "failed" relationships in their past, unless they stay together forever with the first person they ever date. I don't personally see my previous relationships as failures - they're just chapters of my life story that are now closed. I think it's just that your coincidentally end around the same time, but they woudln't have if you had gotten out when you first started noticing that things weren't jiving. 

Going to therapy after only a year together suggests (in my opinion) that you two were trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You shouldn't already need the help of a professional to make your relationship work after such a short time together. I realize it was her suggestion, but that should have been your indication that you two didn't really naturally work together as a couple. 

I would thus encourage you to ask yourself instead why you stay when you meet resistance or hesitation from the other person. That would be a good pattern to break. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, heartoutside said:

The break up conversation was basically her doing all the talking and being confused and nonsensical. She then stood in the doorway for 5 mins, looking stunned, crying, lost and not knowing what to do.  I told her I don't know what to say, but I just want to say I love you, and she said I love you too and we said bye.

Am I subconsciously seeking out damaged women or when I realize they are damaged am I too afraid to call them out on it and address it?

Sorry this happened. Is it possible she met someone else? 

As far as your past, not all relationships are meant to be so that is not unusual at all. The only common denominator is no  talk about marriage/family/future after dating a long time and the "diminished sex life" issue.. Women may put you in the "commitmentphobe/timewaster" basket.

 It's not your job to "call people out" for, in your opinion, being "damaged". If you feel someone is beneath you that relationship shouldn't be entered into into the first place.

Edited September 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Despin]

I've found that people who have a history of failed relationships typically blame their bad choices in selecting a partner.

I often wonder if there's more to it than that.

 

[Hellolove]

12 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Stop projecting this concept of "a pattern of failed relationships" onto yourself.  By that definition, anyone who is not married and who has had a dating history with a few relationships has a "pattern of failed relationships."  I am 41 and never got married, and have had a few boyfriends in my time.  Marriage is actually not something I want.  So yes, every relationship "fails" until you find one that doesn't.  It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you.  It's okay to have had relationships in your past that did not last forever.  It's okay to date around and to have multiple relationships in your life.  You learn from each one.

It's our job to learn from each relationship experience and keep working on ourselves as we move forward.  If you truly do notice that you are making the same mistakes in relationships over and over, then recognize it and make a conscious decision to change it.

I can’t help to say I am also in the same situation. I am turning 35 soon.

[heartoutside]

I agree I probably do stay in a relationship longer then it should, but to be fair, hindsight is 20/20 and in particular when one is being gaslighted it's hard to see unbiased reality.  The more confusing element of this last relationship is we talked about our wants in a relationship early on (3 months in or so) and we were both on the same page.  But as she said during our talk, she's not the same person she was 3 years ago. 

With that said, I've been 5 days NC and deleted her from all social media last night.  Hard to do, but I know it will be best in the long term.

[Hellolove]

As we are both in similar situations, all I could console both of us is that, we had been good partners to our exes. We stood on good morals, for what a respectful and considerate partner should be. Maybe in the next relationship we could put a shorter expiration date? Lol. Good luck!

[heartoutside]

Today is the first day since deleting my ex from social media.  A part of me wants to reach out and tell her that I just did it for space and to get some distance.  But I think that's the part that just really misses her, which right now I really do.  I have a feeling she's smart enough to figure out that this is too much for me and seeing her constant Instagram stories will kill me.  But all of this def goes in waves.  In some moments Im good and have a positive outlook.  In others, I'm a total mess.  Right now, like a light switch, I'm a total mess, so I thought I would post on here. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Ride those waves, OP. 

What you're doing now is smart - posting here instead of contacting her. It is hard when you want so much to make something right but you already know that no good will come of keeping in touch. It will take time to adjust to not having her in your life. However, you will eventually get comfortable with this new emotional landscape. Just be patient with yourself in the process. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, heartoutside said:

.  I have a feeling she's smart enough to figure out that this is too much for me and seeing her constant Instagram stories will kill me. 

Yes. When it's over, you're right making a clean break and deleting and blocking her from all your social media and messaging apps. It doesn't matter why she thinks so.

Keep in mind that healing from breakups is not a linear process. There's good and bad days. However with time and getting back involved in your own life, the good days will eventually outnumber the bad.

 

[heartoutside]

I'm def struggling today.  Today my ex is traveling to Nashville with a gf for a concert.  Something I've know about for months.  Nashville is where we went on our first trip together for a wedding and it was an amazing trip for both of us. On this trip she's literally staying blocks away from where we stayed and I can't help but wonder if she'll be thinking about the trip we took together.  It sucks.

[heartoutside]

Today is week 2 since we broke up and it's the hardest day yet. I haven't been able to sleep and when I wake up, the first thing I think about is her. I just laid in bed crying the hardest I cried yet this morning. I really don't know what to do. I've been NC since day one, but now, for the first time I really want to reach out and try and talk about this and see if this is something I should fight for. I feel like I didn't even try. I already posted my story on here. But I just look back on the conversation and I feel like I didn't even put up a fight. We just talked and she cried and gave no real specific reason aside from the overall theme of fear of the future.

This sucks. A part of me just wants to move on, and put this in the past but a part of me also wants to fight for this and extend an olive branch so to speak. I'm just lost.

[Hellolove]

Think about your plans for the future and you will stop your grief on this love that’s meant to be and will become a distant history.