LDR broken and moving on [UPDATES - further analysis]

[Hellolove]

Hi, kind hearted people, I just need to clear my head on what to do, where to go.

Long story short, I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years and were friends two years prior. We met a long of bumps in the recent years, even though I tried to patch up our lost time during COVID. He came to my country to meet my parents and I had asked for marriage (yes I was the girl who broached the subject). Initially it was ok and we agreed that I’ll move over to his place but we realized our values towards family and kids differ (he didn’t want). Last month I was down for business trip while he went on vacation and our communication dwindled more and he disappeared after wishing me safe flight home. 
 

Actually I was sad, but kind of know this has ended. But we were discussing serious topics about me moving while I am negotiating with higher ups for new job in his home country. I am now in a crossroad after he threw this bomb and I felt … lost.

London would be very expensive but there might be opportunities while Frankfurt could be more affordable but there’s more language barrier. I am just lacking some perspectives of what to do next.

Edited October 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Hellolove said:

Last month I was down for business trip while he went on vacation and our communication dwindled more and he disappeared after wishing me safe flight home

And have you spoken to him at all since then? There seems to be a significant mismatch in terms of your respective investments in this relationship, and it's quite clear he no longer wants this. 

1 hour ago, Hellolove said:

London would be very expensive but there might be opportunities while Frankfurt could be more affordable but there’s more language barrier.

I'm a little confused. Are either of these places where he is? If so, forget both of them, since he doesn't want to proceed. If not, and you're just contemplating a fresh start for yourself, there are so many variables to consider: job prospects, cost of living, and yes, the language barrier. I have also moved abroad and can tell you it's no easy feat, but it can also be a very rewarding experience. 

[Hellolove]

Yes I am contemplating to move for a fresh start. I need a fresh start, somewhere brand new.

And no, I do not want to be seen as begging. We don’t call regularly and I did called him once during my business trip. Our last text conversation had been stagnant. It was mainly me asking what he was doing. My senses are acute.

[Alpacalia]

My understanding of this post is also a bit unclear.

Are you moving in order to get a fresh start or to be closer to your now ex-partner? (disregard, just saw your update)

As far as I can tell, your boyfriend has fled the coup.

3 hours ago, Hellolove said:

London would be very expensive but there might be opportunities while Frankfurt could be more affordable but there’s more language barrier. I am just lacking some perspectives of what to do next.

Choosing the ideal place to live before finding a job seems more logical to me.

The answer to this quandary is that there is no one right answer. The best option for you will depend on your level of comfort, your level of flexibility, and your financial situation. Job opportunities are generally easier to find if you already live in the city. 

Edited September 12, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Hellolove]

Quote

Are you moving in order to get a fresh start or to be closer to your now ex-partner? (disregard, just saw your update)

No. He will move to Southeast Asia someday. Conversely, I want to move to Europe (at first it was to close the gap between us, but now I am thinking for myself).

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Hellolove said:

Conversely, I want to move to Europe (at first it was to close the gap between us, but now I am thinking for myself).

Try for a summer! Get an Airbnb and stay for a month or so. This might help you realize what you really want.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Hellolove said:

 He came to my country to meet my parents and I had asked for marriage.

Sorry this happened. Was this to be an arranged marriage? 

It may be best to follow your own dreams but not randomly run away from wherever you are to "start fresh". Especially if you don't have a job or speak the language fluently.

[Hellolove]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was this to be an arranged marriage? 

No it wasn’t. I proposed because I wanted something more. Maybe it’s a bad idea for women to propose, or perhaps he wasn’t into it  in the first place.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Hellolove said:

perhaps he wasn’t into it  in the first place

This. 

It doesn't appear your future goals aligned, and after the way he disappeared? I would never have anything to do with again. That's not what any decent person does to their own girlfriend. 

[Hellolove]

Yes he did. I think for the five-six years, I had been his rebound. He wanted the Thai ex-girlfriend (the first topic of conversation when we initially met) and fast forward this year when I broached up marriage, he casually quoted how she left him and she had been highly compatible. LOL what was I thinking then. 

[Hellolove]

Does that mean that women should never be too nice to men? Just treat them like an average person? Lol

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Hellolove said:

Just treat them like an average person? Lol

This is pretty much what they are so the answer is yes.

[glows]

Move if you want to move but do it for yourself and your own reasons, be it career or whatever you’d rather be doing. This relationship has ended so let go. It doesn’t sound like he treated you well and he took you forgranted. This person just doesn’t see himself with you. Take some time to regain your footing and back on track. Forget about him and do everything you’ve always wanted. Live your life the way you want to and meet others like you.

[Hellolove]

To all married men, is it true that within one month or the first sight, you’ll know that your lady is the one you will marry? The eureka — “She is the one!” without creepy tones

I read books, I heard similar comments from people in real life. Men kept talking about the first sight.

Edited September 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

I just asked my husband.   He said that he felt really positive, but needed time to get to know me better.   We did move in together after four months though, so it did feel positive quite quickly

[Weezy1973]

Definitely not. Probably the two women I had the most “instant” chemistry or attraction to were the worst matches for me. I knew my wife was a good catch fairly early, probably within a month or two, but getting to know her over the course of a year or so was the clincher. She showed the same character consistently and that’s how I knew. By definition that’s going to take time. I’d argue even six months is too short to know someone well enough to commit long term. Not saying there aren’t successful marriages where they married quickly. Just suspect failed marriages are more common amongst very short courtships. 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Weezy1973

[Hellolove]

To all married women who had exes before marriage, what are the learning points in your past experiences that you could pass on to the next generation?

I heard about this, though I think this might be too vague (guys you could verify the below):

1) Never listen to what a man say, watch what a man do or had done.

2) Never start a relationship with a man looking for rebound.

Throw in any tips (when to eliminate, when to continue the relationship, etc)!

Edited September 21, 2022 by Hellolove

[Hellolove]

I understand that men need to chase at the initial stage.

But even long into a relationship (not marriage), do men still need the chase until when both reached altar?

lastly, if a man wants you as his wife, within two years he would propose, is that correct? Assuming he reached maturity stage and wanting to settle too

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Hellolove said:

, if a man wants you as his wife, within two years he would propose, is that correct? 

Lots of assumptions.  "Needs the chase"?  "Married in 2 years"?

You must be asking for a reason. Are you dating someone who seems indifferent?

 

[basil67]

Yes, that is a load of assumptions.  Where are you reading this stuff?

My husband is not a chaser - even from the beginning, he enjoyed that I was as enthusiastic as him.  

The rule that a guy would propose within two years idea is just nuts.  Some will propose quickly and some won't.   As a rule of thumb, I suspect that men who are older and have had more experience with women would propose more quickly than a young man who's still learning and getting his life and career in order, but even then, it's not set in stone

Edited September 21, 2022 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

Men don’t need to chase. While there are studies that show getting engaged between one and a half and three years of first dating has the best outcomes for marriage, this is a correlation and does not have anything to do with proposing within two years. If you’re dating someone and concerned, best thing to do is talk to them about it.

[Hellolove]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Lots of assumptions.  "Needs the chase"?  "Married in 2 years"?

You must be asking for a reason. Are you dating someone who seems indifferent?

 

No I am just analysing the mistakes or red flags. 
 

I had a long distance relationship for too long, I think. Boredom on his side revealed, so I believe that’s part of the myriad of reasons for breakup.

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Hellolove said:

I had a long distance relationship for too long, I think. Boredom on his side revealed, so I believe that’s part of the myriad of reasons for breakup.

With long distance it was probably the lack of sex.  It's hard to be bored with someone who isn't around.  Long distance relationships makes it easier to fall for other people.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Hellolove said:

I had a long distance relationship for too long, I think. Boredom on his side revealed, so I believe that’s part of the myriad of reasons for breakup.

I'm wondering about the boredom - had you run out of things to talk about?   How long did the relationship last?

What were the other reasons that it broke up?  

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Hellolove said:

I had a long distance relationship for too long,  part of the myriad of reasons for breakup.

Agree. LDRs are extremely difficult, frustrating and lonely. It's good you ended it.

On another note, playing any sort of hard-to-get games never works. Either someone willingly wants to be with you ..or not.