LDR broken and moving on [UPDATES - further analysis]

[Hellolove]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm wondering about the boredom - had you run out of things to talk about?   How long did the relationship last?

What were the other reasons that it broke up?  

About four years. We had heated arguments before. We didn’t agree with each other. 

[glows]

Date locally and go from there. Don’t rush anything and take your time getting to know someone. The long distance with your ex might have delayed or kept you in the dark for some time regarding being a rebound or him still having feelings for his fantastic ex. When you’re seeing someone often during the week, those kinds of distractions and behaviours come out quickly and you simply pass. Don’t worry yourself over individuals who aren’t present. 

[Hellolove]

I am not pinning for but is there a standard measurement commonly understood by people that when the significant other stop responding in X number of days, it means that’s the end of the relationship? For example more than a week?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Hellolove said:

I am not pinning for but is there a standard measurement commonly understood by people that when the significant other stop responding in X number of days, it means that’s the end of the relationship? For example more than a week?

Usually 2 weeks, after that consider it over.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Hellolove said:

when the significant other stop responding in X number of days, it means that’s the end of the relationship? For example more than a week?

There is no standard formula but, unfortunately some people ghost or do the 'slow fade' which can generate confusion.

[Hellolove]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There is no standard formula but, unfortunately some people ghost or do the 'slow fade' which can generate confusion.

And if a man wants you, that you are important, he would never put you on hold, right?

[stillafool]

31 minutes ago, Hellolove said:

And if a man wants you, that you are important, he would never put you on hold, right?

Again, not all relationships or circumstances are the same.  There's no special formula that fits everyone.  The main thing to look for is a person who is interested and never stops showing it with respect.

[Hellolove]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Again, not all relationships or circumstances are the same.  There's no special formula that fits everyone.  The main thing to look for is a person who is interested and never stops showing it with respect.

I think it’s the “be always interested”. If my anomaly be correct, a parent wouldn’t lose interest on the kid overnight, as with a filial adult child wouldn’t ignore his parents forever. Is that right?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Hellolove said:

And if a man wants you, that you are important, he would never put you on hold, right?

If someone hasn't contacted you in over a week they are not that interested. At least not as interested as you seem to be.

[Hellolove]

Don’t you feel that falling in love can be a dangerous thing, knowing that there’s someday you’ll see the dark side of the person and found incompatibility? Does that mean I should be ever cautious of falling in love next time?

[Hellolove]

What are some of the red flags that should inevitably be signs that the seemingly stable relationship will not work in the long run? And do you agree with the below?

1) Different directions of life goals — one partner doesn’t believe in marriage/kids. —> But sometimes life goals change, isn’t it?

2) Partners can’t work out the differences many times. —> I think this requires both to be committee to work.

[Ami1uwant]

Distinguish red flags from differences.

 

red flags are things related to potential safety, violence, abuse, , controlling items that are universal.

 

difference are things like

1 religious/ politics views

2 outlook in life 

3. goals in life

4 wanting/ having children

5. Lifestyle similarities.

6. comparability

 

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, Hellolove said:

1) Different directions of life goals — one partner doesn’t believe in marriage/kids. —> But sometimes life goals change, isn’t it?

Yes, life goals can change....or not.  It all depends on the reason and the partnership.   For example, when I met my husband (and father of our children) I didn't want kids but knew he did.  I stored this information away with the knowledge that I'd need to give this a fair amount of consideration over a few months so that I didn't waste both our times.  And yes, I did open my mind to the idea fairly quickly, especially realising what a great dad he'd make.  But if I'd been unable to open my mind to it within,  6 months or so then it would have been only fair that the relationship would have had to end so that he could pursue his dream of a family.  It's also worth mentioning that I loved him so much, that I'd rather change my mind about children than lose him.  

The important thing with having children is that women only have a limited number of fertile years.  So if they want children, they simply don't have the time to wait around to see if a guy who doesn't want children changes his mind.  Imagine being 32 and wanting kids, being with a guy who doesn't want kids. It would be foolish to stay in the situation. 

19 minutes ago, Hellolove said:

2) Partners can’t work out the differences many times. —> I think this requires both to be committee to work.

You've got it backwards.  Yes, a relationship requires both to be committed to make it work.  But sometimes, despite all that commitment, differences cannot be worked out and this makes the relationship untenable

[Rider on the Storm]

25 minutes ago, Hellolove said:

What are some of the red flags that should inevitably be signs that the seemingly stable relationship will not work in the long run? And do you agree with the below?

1) Different directions of life goals — one partner doesn’t believe in marriage/kids. —> But sometimes life goals change, isn’t it?

2) Partners can’t work out the differences many times. —> I think this requires both to be committee to work.

OP, is it fair to assume that this question is related to your LDR with the guy from London, who asked your parents for you hand in marriage, but who also feels differently about family and children than you do? If memory serves, he went silent on you recently, didn't he?

If he is the reason you are asking this question, all of the above are very valid reasons to believe that this will not work in the long run.

[mark clemson]

Commitment (from both of you) is necessary but not sufficient on it's own IF there are major incompatibilities or other issues.

Does the other person treat you well? Do they have concern for your well-being? Do they not have substantial "life issues" such as addiction or severe financial irresponsibility? Are they usually reasonable and flexible? Does their conflict resolution "style" jibe with yours?

Concerning answers to any of those are probably a red flag. If you have other major differences, e.g. are different religions, different views on certain "wedge issues" etc, how big of a deal is it to both of you?

Yes, people do change over time, so there can never be a guarantee about how things will be 10 years in the future. However, if you're reasonably compatible, flexible and tolerant, care deeply for each other, and are mutually committed to the relationship that's probably about the best one can hope for. Even if it doesn't pan out, there will probably at least have been some "great years" together to look back upon.

Edited September 26, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

40 minutes ago, Hellolove said:

What are some of the red flags that should inevitably be signs that the seemingly stable relationship will not work in the long run? And do you agree with the below?

1) Different directions of life goals — one partner doesn’t believe in marriage/kids. —> But sometimes life goals change, isn’t it?

2) Partners can’t work out the differences many times. —> I think this requires both to be committee to work.

I like that you recognize “seemingly stable” as time often changes people and situations may inevitably change or evolve. There is no guarantee that a relationship works for the long haul. 

Do you have a particular situation that’s on your mind?

[Hellolove]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Do you have a particular situation that’s on your mind?

I hope to brainstorm all possibilities of a good relationship — compatibility (money values, moral values, enjoyment with each other) , conflict resolutions, communication, similar goals, etc, or in that sense, whatever that’s missing would be a bad relationship I guess? 
 

There should be a way to avoid pitfalls in the future.

[basil67]

No relationship is without risk, but yes, your ideas are a good form of risk mitigation. 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Hellolove said:

What are some of the red flags that should inevitably be signs that the seemingly stable relationship will not work in the long run? And do you agree with the below?

1) Different directions of life goals — one partner doesn’t believe in marriage/kids. —> But sometimes life goals change, isn’t it?

2) Partners can’t work out the differences many times. —> I think this requires both to be committee to work.

Those are not "red flags."

Different life goals as extreme as one person wanting marriage and a family and the other not would be under the DEAL BREAKER heading.  Yes, people  can change their life goals.  You don't want to hitch your wagon to a person based on the chance that they might, some day,  change their goals.  Accept people for who they are and believe what they tell you.

People need to be able to work out their differences in order to have a lasting strong relationship.  If they can't, they will fail.  If they don't end up splitting, it will simply be a miserable relationship.  

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Hellolove said:

I hope to brainstorm all possibilities of a good relationship — compatibility (money values, moral values, enjoyment with each other) , conflict resolutions, communication, similar goals, etc, or in that sense, whatever that’s missing would be a bad relationship I guess? 
 

There should be a way to avoid pitfalls in the future.

There isn’t some checklist yo know you found someone.  Nobody will meet everything on your list.

 

you are going to argue and disagree…stuff happens.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Hellolove said:

What are some of the red flags 

Won't meet in person on a regular basis is the biggest one. 

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Hellolove said:

What are some of the red flags that should inevitably be signs that the seemingly stable relationship will not work in the long run? And do you agree with the below?

1) Different directions of life goals — one partner doesn’t believe in marriage/kids. —> But sometimes life goals change, isn’t it?

2) Partners can’t work out the differences many times. —> I think this requires both to be committee to work.

Red flag within an already established relationship would be constantly arguing, not agreeing, being on and off, expecting the other one to change. 

1 & 2: are signals you are not meant to be together, and you have major incompatibilities. 

Look for someone that looks in the same direction as you, life is so much better that way. Yes, relationships are 'work" but it's not supposed to be a daily uphill battle. 

[understand50]

Red flags?

No they are not just difference in opinion, or goal are not red flags, what they are are sign you both are incompatible for each other.  Goals and opinions can change.  How one leads their life, usually bot not always, does not change.  Some thing I would look out for.

1) Does not fight fair.  Brings up past issues, and tries not to change or understand but just win the argument.  Small issues become large one, and the original reason for the argument is lost.  With holds sex because of an disagreement.

2) Gets into arguments and fights too easily, and they tend to last.  Does not let go of things.

3) Does not like, or will not let you have a life outside of them. Does not like your hobbies, friends, family, Etc.

4) Is rude to people. Or just plane mean.  Does not know how to be polite to strangers.

5) Does not respect you or your body.  Will not take no for a answer for Sex or any other thing thing.  Does not treat or acknowledge you as a Girl Friend. Will not show you off to their friends or family.  In other words, is not a gentleman.

These are a few, but how someone interacts with society is a huge view into how they will treat you.

I wish you luck.

[poppyfields]

Per your thread title, imo the biggest tip for noticing red flags is to pay attention.  

And when you feel in your gut something seems off in either words or actions, listen to that little voice inside and either confront the issue or walk away. 

Different life goals is NOT a red flag. 

Differences of opinion about things like having children, where and how to live, political beliefs, are NOT red flags. 

Red flags imo are geared towards a person's  character.

Such as are they truthful, honest, are they able to make and keep the commitments they make, how do they treat others and you, are they respectful, do they possess integrity. 

Again, observing and paying attention is the biggest tip there is and acting accordingly to what you discover. 

Don't ignore or shuffle under rug, hoping these 'red flags' will disappear, they won't. 

They're part of a person's character so again observe, listen, keep eyes open, pay attention and when you feel something is off, either confront or leave depending on how far along in the relationship you are. 

Edited September 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Won't work if they are a non drinking vegan that likes country music wants/has kids, religious and doesn't drive. Oh and lacks a strong work ethic. 

So what it boils down to is your expectations and dealbreakers. Stick with them and stop with the "They may change their mind" that's just dumb. 

 

Edited September 27, 2022 by smackie9