LDR broken and moving on [UPDATES - further analysis]

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, understand50 said:

Red flags?

No they are not just difference in opinion, or goal are not red flags, what they are are sign you both are incompatible for each other.  Goals and opinions can change.  How one leads their life, usually bot not always, does not change.  Some thing I would look out for.

1) Does not fight fair.  Brings up past issues, and tries not to change or understand but just win the argument.  Small issues become large one, and the original reason for the argument is lost.  With holds sex because of an disagreement.

2) Gets into arguments and fights too easily, and they tend to last.  Does not let go of things.

3) Does not like, or will not let you have a life outside of them. Does not like your hobbies, friends, family, Etc.

4) Is rude to people. Or just plane mean.  Does not know how to be polite to strangers.

5) Does not respect you or your body.  Will not take no for a answer for Sex or any other thing thing.  Does not treat or acknowledge you as a Girl Friend. Will not show you off to their friends or family.  In other words, is not a gentleman.

These are a few, but how someone interacts with society is a huge view into how they will treat you.

I wish you luck.

Some comments…..

 

on 1– sometimes past issues are very relevant to this issue.  You need to separate trying to win an argument from addressing the issue brought up.

 

On 2–separate on what are arguments vs debates and what it’s about and it’s relevance to the relationship.  You can get into arguments on things outside of the relationship.

 

on 3–I agree you don’t want someone co trolling.  You can have disagreements on someone not getting along with your family or not liking ot have no interest in a hobby of yours.

 

on 4 — this can be very culturally driven where people behave according to  their background.  Being silent does not mean rude.  People who are ASD can behave slighly differently.

 

on 5 — you should never use sex as a weapon or to get your way. Ehst cinarella stereotypes are you referring to in how you are treated? I’m not putting her on a pedestal.

 

 

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, Hellolove said:

There should be a way to avoid pitfalls in the future.

The flip side of this is that nobody's perfect. So if your list of "criteria" is too long, and/or you're too inflexible in applying them, then there may never be anybody. Some reasonableness must be applied.

Don't fall into the trap of some of these online folks with notorious lists of criteria that weed out everyone. Those lists aren't about "quality," they're typically a (sometimes unconscious) psychological defense mechanism for people who aren't good at (or feel they aren't good at) actually maintaining relationships. "It's not that I have a problem, it's that nobody else is 'good enough.' "

Without some flexibility, you're unlikely to get too far. The key is to "not let perfect be the enemy of good" IMO.

Edited September 27, 2022 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

There is a lot to like about @mark clemson's comments.

But if I had to throw one general red flag in: Suggestions to meet ASAP.

 

 

Edited September 28, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Maldives]

On 9/27/2022 at 9:13 AM, Hellolove said:

What are some of the red flags that should inevitably be signs that the seemingly stable relationship will not work in the long run? And do you agree with the below?

1) Different directions of life goals — one partner doesn’t believe in marriage/kids. —> But sometimes life goals change, isn’t it?

2) Partners can’t work out the differences many times. —> I think this requires both to be committee to work.

Majority of his or her friends are the opposite sex

Lack of respect towards you

Abusive.

Still harbors feelings for an ex

 

 

 

 

 

[Hellolove]

10 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Majority of his or her friends are the opposite sex

 

Oh is this important?

[Maldives]

7 hours ago, Hellolove said:

Oh is this important?

Those are just my thoughts and from my experience. For me it created some competition and of course the agenda of the males in my well The ex now were questionable. 

 

 

[Hellolove]

What are some of the signs that some men are  narcissistic or they are confident?

What does it mean when your S.O said that he’s the better looking one? 

If he tends to behave in a standoff-ish manner even after both of you are years into the relationship, does that mean that he despise you?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Hellolove said:

that he’s the better looking one? 

Better looking than who? Perhaps they are insecure or conceited.

[Hellolove]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Better looking than who? Perhaps they are insecure or conceited.

The better looking partner in the relationship.

[glows]

Confident means having faith and following through without having to talk so much about me me me. It’s also without being at someone else’s expense, whether mocking someone else or putting someone else down. 

It’s hard to tell without being there. A comment insisting that a person (the person saying it) is the better looking one may be sarcasm because he knows he looks like crap, low self-confidence actually or just trying to be funny. This just doesn’t have enough context. 

Why is he standoffish? What issues are in the relationship? Any disagreements? 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Hellolove said:

The better looking partner in the relationship.

Delete and block him. There's no point making a discussion out of backhanded insults like that.

[Weezy1973]

Confident people don’t need validation while narcissists do. Confident people aren’t afraid to fail because they know they’ll be fine and will carry on. Narcissists blame others for their failure and will never admit to making a mistake.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, Hellolove said:

What does it mean when your S.O said that he’s the better looking one? 

 

Is he? 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Hellolove said:

What are some of the signs that some men are  narcissistic or they are confident?

What does it mean when your S.O said that he’s the better looking one? 

If he tends to behave in a standoff-ish manner even after both of you are years into the relationship, does that mean that he despise you?

It means that he really believes he's the better looking one but not that he despises you.

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Confident people usually don't tell others how good looking they are.  Narcissist?  That's a diagnosis that people on a message board like this are not going to be able to make, especially based on one single comment. 

[basil67]

On 10/10/2022 at 12:40 AM, Hellolove said:

What does it mean when your S.O said that he’s the better looking one? 

I agree that we cannot diagnose narcissism. 

The word I would use is egotistical.  Definition: excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centred.   Another word for him would be d*ckhead

  

 

Edited October 13, 2022 by basil67

[Hellolove]

On 10/12/2022 at 2:05 AM, poppyfields said:

STOP doing these things, men do not want nor need you to do these things. 

Want he wanted and needed was for you to accept him, not take everything he did or didn't do so personally and most of all, stop fighting with him! 

Learn a different way of communicating and interacting with men/boyfriends otherwise I can almost guarantee none of them will stick around.  Fighting never resolves anything, to the contrary it destroys. 

So when it comes to love, women should be a little stingy, is that correct? Let the men pamper you?

Moderator note: this post was cut from Dumped Twice by the Same Guy to avoid side conversation

 

Edited October 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hellolove]

Is this considered a date when a man and woman is out alone or is it a hangout?

If you asked your SO whether that’s permitted and your SO said it’s ok, is this still a betrayal?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Hellolove said:

Is this considered a date when a man and woman is out alone or is it a hangout? If you asked your SO whether that’s permitted and your SO said it’s ok, is this still a betrayal?

If your BF doesn't object to opposite friendships then it's ok. 

[Hellolove]

Yes it’s only friends. There’s no intentions to betray. If I do, why should I ask?

[glows]

Why is there even a sliver of a doubt that it’s a betrayal or not if everything is platonic? You’re here asking the question so what’s the real issue? Is this your relationship or someone else’s? 

[central]

2 hours ago, Hellolove said:

Is this considered a date when a man and woman is out alone or is it a hangout?

If you asked your SO whether that’s permitted and your SO said it’s ok, is this still a betrayal?

If you aren't hiding things from your spouse, and they approve, then of course it's not a betrayal, unless there is more to the outing than you're revealing.

I've often gone out with my female friends, or even hung out at their home; it's completely platonic, and my wife approves because she knows she can trust me and also knows and trusts my friends.

[Hellolove]

Just analysing why he left me.

[NuevoYorko]

If this is the guy you wrote about last month, I think the reasons that relationship ultimately failed are clearly defined in your original post about it.

If it's a different guy, you would have been seeing him for at most a month - that's assuming that you didn't start until the prior relationship had ended.  In that case, no analysis needed.  Most dating scenarios don't lead to long term relationships.

 

[Hellolove]

I need some smart advice from experienced people. 
 

Can I say that crossing the one year mark, if a boyfriend didn’t bring you to his parents or friends, more or less he’s not interested?

Honest male opinions are welcomed too.