Jealous of ex's much younger gf, cheated

[ShelBT]

So I guess I just need a place to talk about this with complete strangers. It’s not really something I want to tell my close friends right now, or maybe ever.

 I was in a relationship with a man for 9 years. We broke up about 1.5 years ago. To make a long story short, after 9 years I wanted marriage and children and he still “wasn’t ready.” That combined with a career that was really starting to take off for him, we decided we had no option to break up because we were focused on different things. I have missed him ever since but tried to get on with my life rather unsuccessfully. I’ve not seriously dated anyone else. After being with somebody for 9 years, I just had no interest in getting into another serious relationship any time soon. Admittedly, I’ve carried a lot of resentment and bitterness about the situation. I sort of built all my plans and future around him and now I have to start all over again. I’m now basically in my mid-30s and although it’s very common for women my age and older to have babies, I’m struggling with the idea of finding somebody new, being with them long enough to know they are the one for me, and having a few children before I’m 30. I’m mad…at my ex, at myself.

So I’m the meantime, I found out that my ex started dating somebody new about a year ago. She just turned 21 years old. I tried not to let that bother me but wow it really was like adding insult to injury. 
 

He reached out to me not long ago. He “misses” me. He wanted to see me. I finally admitted to him fully just how much the whole situation hurt me. He begged me to just meet up for lunch. I shouldn’t have agreed but part of me just wanted to see him in person again, to be around him. So we met up and nothing inappropriate happened. It felt good to see him and talk to him again. Since then we’ve been texting and calling each other occasionally. Just friendly, nothing sexual or inappropriate or even overly personal. It’s sort of weird, like friends of some sort but not two people who dated for almost a decade and lived together for most of their adult lives. Then last week it happened, we slept together. I don’t think either of us had really planned it or had the intention ahead of time but I admittedly realized I still had feelings for him before sex happened. I may be embarrassingly hurt and jealous of his hot little 21 year old girlfriend (hate to admit it, but it’s true) but I hate that I slept with him knowing he’s in a relationship.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting this here right now but I just don’t know what I’m doing. How stupid and horrible am I being? My close friends know I’ve talked to him but they don’t know the extend of things at all.

 

 

[stillafool]

Well it happens but be aware having sex with him and the texting has or will ignite those old feeling and if he's not feeling the same way and willing to do something about it you will end up hurt again.  Did he say he missed you, was sorry he left you and wishes he could have another chance?  Anything less than that speech is reason to leave this relationship in the past.  Is he still initiating texts and phone calls after the sex?

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

I’m now basically in my mid-30s and although it’s very common for women my age and older to have babies, I’m struggling with the idea of finding somebody new, being with them long enough to know they are the one for me, and having a few children before I’m 30.

One question, I know this was a typo but are you mid-30s or mid-20s?  How old is your ex?

Edited September 12, 2022 by stillafool

[ShelBT]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

One question, I know this was a typo but are you mid-30s or mid-20s?  How old is your ex?

I made a typo. I’m in my mid-30s, I’m 34. I meant to say “having a few children before I’m 40.” I wish I was not yet 30 haha! I can’t seem to edit my original post anymore to correct it.

He’s 31.

His new girlfriend, well if dating for almost a year can be considered “new” is 21! 

Edited September 12, 2022 by ShelBT

[ShelBT]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well it happens but be aware having sex with him and the texting has or will ignite those old feeling and if he's not feeling the same way and willing to do something about it you will end up hurt again.  Did he say he missed you, was sorry he left you and wishes he could have another chance?  Anything less than that speech is reason to leave this relationship in the past.  Is he still initiating texts and phone calls after the sex?

He says he misses me being in his life. He wants to talk and act just like we used to when we were together. He’s not exactly said he wants to be back together. He’s still with his girlfriend. He has continued to reach out to me after we slept together. I’ve been responding but sort of keeping him at a distance since then. Last night he was trying to convince me to go over to his place but I knew what he likely wanted. He said he just wanted to talk to me and spend time with me. I resisted but I know I can resist much longer. It’s pathetic but I just want to stop what I’m doing and run to him when he asks. 

[salparadise]

I take it that the breakup was more his idea than yours, is that correct? And now that you're seeing him again and have slept with him the feelings are reignited... but you're conflicted. You don't know whether to try and get him back or to cut it off and try to get over it?

It's a tough situation and I understand the predicament. If I were you I'd probably take another run at it I think. But if he doesn't respond favorably then you're left standing there empty handed and having given up your dignity too. Such is life. All you can do is understand what you want, take a risk and go for it.

I guess even if you were to get back together it doesn't mean married with children though. You need to try and get some clarity as to what you really want, and what you're willing to settle for if you can't have everything you want. Sorry.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I take it that the breakup was more his idea than yours, is that correct?

Were you the one to break up or was he?  Is he living with the 21 year old?  

Edited September 12, 2022 by stillafool

[ShelBT]

14 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I take it that the breakup was more his idea than yours, is that correct? And now that you're seeing him again and have slept with him the feelings are reignited... but you're conflicted. You don't know whether to try and get him back or to cut it off and try to get over it?

It's a tough situation and I understand the predicament. If I were you I'd probably take another run at it I think. But if he doesn't respond favorably then you're left standing there empty handed and having given up your dignity too. Such is life. All you can do is understand what you want, take a risk and go for it.

I guess even if you were to get back together it doesn't mean married with children though. You need to try and get some clarity as to what you really want, and what you're willing to settle for if you can't have everything you want. Sorry.

I wouldn’t say the breakup was “amicable,” but we reached a point where we both felt like it was the only option. I didn’t think it was actually going to happen though. I figured something would stop us from actually going through with it, but it happened and neither of us actually did anything to stop it. I had been dealing with the back and forth feelings about really wanting marriage and children for a few years, then convincing myself that I was fine with the way things were (us living together, but not yet married) for a little while longer. Eventually I just realized I was lying to myself about not wanting more. We talked about marriage and children before. I always thought it was inevitable for us together. But when he said he wasn’t ready for those things and didn’t know when he would be, maybe not kids for several more years, I was just angry and heartbroken at the same time. By then I was in my early 30s and felt like I didn’t have “several years” to wait around to see if and when he’d want a child. If he didn’t know if he wanted those things with me after 9 years together, what was the point anymore? I would say he seemed a little more ready to move on at the time.

I really miss him though. I still love him. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever manage to not love him anymore. I wish I didn’t feel this way most of the time. It feels so silly and childish to still be holding onto these feelings and almost like a dedication to him. I have tried to get rid of the feelings. I’m not crazy about it or anything weird like that. I didn’t contact him or pursue him at all after we ended things. I tried to date other people but was just not interested in anyone and I feel like I’m betraying him when I go out with other guys, which I know is absolutely ridiculous. 
 

I think my dignity is already a little tarnished having slept with him while he’s in a relationship with somebody else. I’m not proud of it at all, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy that it happened. 

 

 

[ShelBT]

19 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Were you the one to break up or was he?  Is he living with the 21 year old?  

See my previous post for the answer to your first question. She moved in with him some time early this year.

[stillafool]

I think I remember a previous post of yours.  Have you posted about this before?  I thought he broke up with you for this girl but maybe I'm mistaken IDK.  If he's been dating her for a year it must be kind of serious.  Did you ask him what is going on with him and her?  I think you'd be smart to find out what he plans to do about her before going further with him.  He could just be at a point where he missed you and wanted to see you again and then one thing lead to another.  You shouldn't assume anything but find out where his head is at.  If he just plans to make you his side chick that won't feel too good and you'll feel toyed with so ask him what is their status.  

Just saw where he moved her in with him, hmmm, be careful here.

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by stillafool

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

It feels so silly and childish to still be holding onto these feelings and almost like a dedication to him. I have tried to get rid of the feelings. I’m not crazy about it or anything weird like that. I didn’t contact him or pursue him at all after we ended things. I tried to date other people but was just not interested in anyone and I feel like I’m betraying him when I go out with other guys, which I know is absolutely ridiculous. 

Not really.  9 years is a long time so I think it will take more than a year to get over it unless you were the one who wanted the break.  Normally the one who wants the break up has already processed their feelings before breaking up.  Leaving the dumpee confused, sad and starting from square one.

[ShelBT]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think I remember a previous post of yours.  Have you posted about this before?  I thought he broke up with you for this girl but maybe I'm mistaken IDK.  If he's been dating her for a year it must be kind of serious.  Did you ask him what is going on with him and her?  I think you'd be smart to find out what he plans to do about her before going further with him.  He could just be at a point where he missed you and wanted to see you again and then one thing lead to another.  You shouldn't assume anything but find out where his head is at.  If he just plans to make you his side chick that won't feel too good and you'll feel toyed with so ask him what is their status.  

Just saw where he moved her in with him, hmmm, be careful here.

 

It must be somebody with a similar story. Today is the first time I’ve posted here. He didn’t leave me for her. We broke up about 1.5 years ago and he started dating her about 1 year ago, as far as I’m aware and I have no reason to suspect otherwise. I don’t think there was anybody else while we were still together.

He told me their relationship isn’t really that serious. I reminded him that she lives with him now. He said he knows but still, he’s not planning on proposing to her any time soon. I sometimes wonder if he got with somebody so young because he figured she wouldn’t be interested in settling down in the near future. He told me recently that he wishes he’d never let her move in. But she’s still there. It’s his house. He could make her leave if he really regretted it that much. She’s still there. 
 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by ShelBT

[basil67]

Absolutely you didn't have more time to wait around and see if he's ready.  You made exactly the right choice.  I'm only sorry you didn't make it five years earlier.

There are a heap of things which are alarming about all of his actions, but honestly, the fact that he's seeing you, knowing still have feelings....while he's in a relationship....and he still doesn't want to settle down with you simply shows this man is supremely selfish.

Ordinarily, I'd suggest you give him an ultimatum: that he only gets to speak/see/have sex with you if he's ready to make a proper future with you.  But he's already shown you that he doesn't want this, so it would be a waste of time.  You're better off just blocking him

 

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

He told me their relationship isn’t really that serious. I reminded him that she lives with him now. He said he knows but still, he’s not planning on proposing to her any time soon. I sometimes wonder if he got with somebody so young because he figured she wouldn’t be interested in settling down in the near future. He told me recently that he wishes he’d never let her move in. But she still there. It’s his house. He could make her leave if he really regretted it that much. She’s still there. 

YES to all of this.  He's starting to string her along just like he did you.

And if he's cheated on her, he's probably cheated on you.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

He told me their relationship isn’t really that serious. I reminded him that she lives with him now. He said he knows but still, he’s not planning on proposing to her any time soon. I sometimes wonder if he got with somebody so young because he figured she wouldn’t be interested in settling down in the near future. He told me recently that he wishes he’d never let her move in. But she still there. It’s his house. He could make her leave if he really regretted it that much. She’s still there.

He was obviously serious about her or he wouldn't have moved her into his house.  Of course he's not planning on proposing and it's doubtful a 21 year old is ready to get married but she is serious about him or she wouldn't have moved in.  He's still planning on taking his sweet time before marrying and settling down.  Him saying "he's not planning on proposing to her any time soon" says he's still planning on keeping her in his life.   If he no longer wants her living there he can tell her to move out but he's not talking about that is he?  Again, do you want to be a side chick?  That is what he's putting you in position for.

[Coasting1991]

This man is absolutely playing you and playing his current GF. He's trying to have the best of both worlds. Were his GF to find out, I'd bet $1M that he'd go scurrying back to her, saying how you mean nothing to him, it was a mistake, etc. etc. 

 

He's either extremely selfish, extremely commitment-phobic, or both. None of those options are good for your well-being. Please, block this man and delete him from your life before you find yourself as a longterm affair partner in the same boat as you are now. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I may be embarrassingly hurt and jealous of his hot little 21 year old girlfriend (hate to admit it, but it’s true) but I hate that I slept with him knowing he’s in a relationship.

Sadly, as you found out for yourself, sleeping with someone else's partner is never a good idea.

Obviously, it is extremely disappointing for you that he is now with someone else, and that you have to deal with it as well. However, he has a new relationship. 

It's not just you he's hurting and stringing along, he's also dragging his new girlfriend into this mess with him.

Sleeping with someone who has a girlfriend means being his backup plan. When he gets dumped, you will be the one he will fall back on to pick up the pieces. Most likely, she has no idea that the guy is two-timing her. She's enjoying getting to know each other and is letting things unfold naturally. You, on the other hand, aren’t doing that. You've lost your romantic worth a while ago and turned into your ex's backup plan - someone he talks to and sleeps with when she's not around.

The best thing you could do for YOURSELF is reject his invitations. If you mean anything to your ex, you can be certain that he will contact you for more than just sex should he and his girlfriend part ways.

[ShelBT]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Absolutely you didn't have more time to wait around and see if he's ready.  You made exactly the right choice.  I'm only sorry you didn't make it five years earlier.

There are a heap of things which are alarming about all of his actions, but honestly, the fact that he's seeing you, knowing still have feelings....while he's in a relationship....and he still doesn't want to settle down with you simply shows this man is supremely selfish.

Ordinarily, I'd suggest you give him an ultimatum: that he only gets to speak/see/have sex with you if he's ready to make a proper future with you.  But he's already shown you that he doesn't want this, so it would be a waste of time.  You're better off just blocking him

 

It’s weird because I never thought of him as a selfish person when we were together. Quite the opposite, actually.

I can understand not feeling ready for kids - even if we disagreed on that, I can understand it being a scary thing and not feeling ready. He also doesn’t have the biological clock issue to worry about, so he can’t know what that added pressure feels like. But I still don’t understand why he wouldn’t marry me after 9 years together. We lived together for 7 of those years. We behaved like husband and wife in every way, so why couldn’t he make it official? He could never give me a reason answer that satisfied me. 
 

I haven’t dared to ask him what he actually wants out of this between us or what his intentions are. It seems silly and I should be able to ask him. I Maybe I’m scared of the answer or scared of embarrassing myself by thinking maybe there’s a part of him that wants more with me. 

[ShelBT]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

He was obviously serious about her or he wouldn't have moved her into his house.  Of course he's not planning on proposing and it's doubtful a 21 year old is ready to get married but she is serious about him or she wouldn't have moved in.  He's still planning on taking his sweet time before marrying and settling down.  Him saying "he's not planning on proposing to her any time soon" says he's still planning on keeping her in his life.   If he no longer wants her living there he can tell her to move out but he's not talking about that is he?  Again, do you want to be a side chick?  That is what he's putting you in position for.

Yeah, as far as I’m concerned you don’t generally ask somebody to move in with you if it’s completely casual. I get the sense that he’s bored with her in some ways, but she’s young and probably fun and admittedly very pretty so there’s enough to keep him interested for now. 
 

I don’t want to be anyone’s side chick but I can’t imagine completely deleting him from my life now that he’s come back. 

[BrinnM]

Just a quick practical question: Are you on birth control? You don’t want to get pregnant in a situation like this. This is just me being practical & cautious.

 
With regards to the other/relationship/emotional stuff: you wouldn’t be the first one who reunites with a former flame or an ex-relationship; that’s more common that you would think.
The only thing I want you to consider is that you’re older than him which means that your biological clock is not only already ticking because you’re a woman,  but then there is the (minor) age difference that’s gonna compound the problem even more. Just try to think long-term, if you’re considering trying to restart the relationship. Generally speaking, all things considered, I think your odds could be in your favor, if you want the guy back.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ShelBT said:

It’s weird because I never thought of him as a selfish person when we were together. Quite the opposite, actually.

I can understand not feeling ready for kids - even if we disagreed on that, I can understand it being a scary thing and not feeling ready. He also doesn’t have the biological clock issue to worry about, so he can’t know what that added pressure feels like. But I still don’t understand why he wouldn’t marry me after 9 years together. We lived together for 7 of those years. We behaved like husband and wife in every way, so why couldn’t he make it official? He could never give me a reason answer that satisfied me. 
 

I haven’t dared to ask him what he actually wants out of this between us or what his intentions are. It seems silly and I should be able to ask him. I Maybe I’m scared of the answer or scared of embarrassing myself by thinking maybe there’s a part of him that wants more with me. 

He was unable to give a reason which satisfied you.  Hmmm....what reasons did he give?   

NO! Do not ask him what his intentions are.  All you'll get are lies and still no marriage or babies.   Your questions should be directed to yourself: What are YOU getting out of this?  Do you want to be his secret lover?  Or if he leaves her for you, do you want to be back in the situation of being unmarried with no talk of babies and him not giving you a straight answer?

If you really must speak with him about this, tell him what YOU want from this and accept nothing less.  If he dithers or dodges, block him.  You would be direct your own future.  Don't just leave it in the hands of someone who's already wasted years of your life.

Edited September 13, 2022 by basil67

[ShelBT]

2 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Just a quick practical question: Are you on birth control? You don’t want to get pregnant in a situation like this. This is just me being practical & cautious.

 
With regards to the other/relationship/emotional stuff: you wouldn’t be the first one who reunites with a former flame or an ex-relationship; that’s more common that you would think.
The only thing I want you to consider is that you’re older than him which means that your biological clock is not only already ticking because you’re a woman,  but then there is the (minor) age difference that’s gonna compound the problem even more. Just try to think long-term, if you’re considering trying to restart the relationship. Generally speaking, all things considered, I think your odds could be in your favor, if you want the guy back.

Actually, I’m not on birth control right now. I was for our entire relationship. I was on some form of birth control since I was 18 and remained using it until a while after our relationship ended. I had an IUD at the time we broke up. Then, after I realized I needed a break from men, dating, all of it, and had no interest in sex with random guys, I decided to have the IUD removed at my next gyn appointment. 
 

He didn’t use a condom when we slept together but he pulled out. How very sophomores in high school of us, right? Stupid. I considered buying the morning after pill just to be safe but ultimately didn’t. I can already feel pms coming on though and don’t think I’m pregnant. I’ve been considering getting a full blown STD check though.

Anyway, yeah there’s about 2.5 years between us. He really has to convince me to give him a chance when we first started dating because I wasn’t interested in being with a younger guy. When you’re that age, a few years feels like a big difference. He won me over though and eventually I just forgot about the slight age difference and it didn’t really matter much anymore. When I started getting into my late 20s and thinking more about the future, kids, etc. I was ok with telling myself I could wait a few more years. I thought ok once we’ve both hit 30, but nope. He turns 32 in November. 

 

 

 

 

[ShelBT]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

He was unable to give a reason which satisfied you.  Hmmm....what reasons did he give?   

NO! Do not ask him what his intentions are.  All you'll get are lies and still no marriage or babies.   Your questions should be directed to yourself: What are YOU getting out of this?  Do you want to be his secret lover?  Or if he leaves her for you, do you want to be back in the situation of being unmarried with no talk of babies and him not giving you a straight answer?

If you really must speak with him about this, tell him what YOU want from this and accept nothing less.  If he dithers or dodges, block him.  You would be direct your own future.  Don't just leave it in the hands of someone who's already wasted years of your life.

He just said “I like the way things are now.” Ok, but how would getting married really have changed how things were? It’s like the idea of permanence/forever was too much for him. I thought after 9 years marriage was pretty much a given. If you weren’t interested in long term than why were we together that long? I could have waited longer on children if he’d at least given me the marriage part. Was it really that much to ask to get married? 
 

 

 

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

He just said “I like the way things are now.” Ok, but how would getting married really have changed how things were? It’s like the idea of permanence/forever was too much for him. I thought after 9 years marriage was pretty much a given. If you weren’t interested in long term than why were we together that long? I could have waited longer on children if he’d at least given me the marriage part. Was it really that much to ask to get married? 

To be fair, my partner and I have been defacto for 30 years, have two kids and are absolutely committed, so marriage isn't a given.  However, the difference between what we did and your boyfriend's approach is that we thoroughly discussed it.  And both of us would have married the other had it been important to them.   This type of understanding and care for the needs of the other is what was lacking for you.

"I like the way things are now" is indeed a non answer as it's a response designed to shut you down.  Because he doesn't share his deeper thoughts or feelings on the matter, a conversation can't be had.  It's the marriage equivalent of when mom says "because I said so".  He was just gonna shut down that conversation and not care one bit how you felt about it all.

I know you said he was the opposite of selfish, but don't you think it was beyond selfish of him to ignore your concerns?  To not even give you a discussion to help you understand where he was at?   Don't you think it's selfish of him to cheat on his gf with you?  And it's selfish of him to be using you for sex on the side when he knows that you care about him?

This guy is all about himself.  Please allow yourself to get pissed at him

Edited September 13, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

You are going to get your heart put through a blender all over again, OP. 

He's very unlikley to dump his girlfriend and try again with you. He likes having you on the side, but not as a partner. Do you really want to go through the pain of hearing that? What's going on between him and his girlfriend and the nature of their relationship is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that you're allowing yourself to be downgraded to side-chick to a guy who doesn't want what you want. A guy with no integrity. A guy who had 9 years to get on board with you, and never did. You're making it way too easy on him to have his cake and eat it, too. He gets to go home to his girlfriend, and enjoy some no-strings sex with you. But you? You're all up in your feelings here and struggling. 

Raise the bar. Get this twerp out of your life and start focusing on doing things that are constructive, rather than self-destructive.