Jealous of ex's much younger gf, cheated

[basil67]

1 minute ago, ShelBT said:

I texted him to ask why he reached out to me after nearly 1.5 years of no contact. So no response for now. He’s probably screwing his barely legal girlfriend. But he was texting me today so I’m sure he’ll respond soon enough. 

Do you really think you'll get an honest answer?

[Will am I]

3 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

He’s probably ____ing his barely legal girlfriend

This sounds quite angry; anger is closer to love  than to indifference.

Your feelings are still strong. But I believe that after some delay you did start the path to heal yourself from your ex. Be deliberate and purposeful in this.  

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I think you’re right. 
 

Im not going to continue any sort of inappropriate relationship with him. When we’ve talked since he reached back out to me it hasn’t been any sort of inappropriate sexual talk, sexting, nothing like that. It was like “friends” except for the time we had sex. I don’t think I can commit to completely deleting him from my life completely. I just have to develop some strong boundaries. 
 

 

C'mon girl.

The honesty with yourself is lacking.

Have you ever heard the expression, "How you get them is how you lose them"?

You'd hate to have your trust abused, much in the way he is abusing his girlfriend with you by cheating on her.

So the first step, I would say, is to please stop pretending that you're the good Samaritan in all this who is the only helpless victim.

He needs to figure out what he wants, and honestly, there isn’t much you can do to speed up that process. 

Women often make the mistake of putting their relationships before themselves, and this behavior can even persist after a breakup. The very thing you are doing now.

Seeing your love for him and all you have sacrificed for him will make him want to return to you... No, it doesn't work like that.

Normally, there is nothing wrong with a guy carefully choosing a person to commit to as everyone has the right to choose a life partner. In your case, though, it's not one of those normal cases where a guy likes two women at once and needs time to decide between them. He is literally stringing you and his current girlfriend along for selfish reasons. A mature man would not take this long to make a decision, as he knows it is ethically wrong and disrespectful. Unless he undergoes a painful personal transformation on his own, he won’t improve much, if at all. 

If it is day old scraps that you want, then I'm afraid there is neither a way nor a voice here to help you.

 

Edited September 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, ShelBT said:

 He’s probably screwing his barely legal girlfriend. 

This is how you know you need to stop this. 

You don't really have any right to get upset if he's having sex with his own girlfriend. Of course they have sex. And yes, she's young. But she's not "barely legal." You set yourself up for bitterness and resentent the moment you opened your door to him again. 

You need to close it, and close it all the way shut. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is how you know you need to stop this. 

You don't really have any right to get upset if he's having sex with his own girlfriend. Of course they have sex. And yes, she's young. But she's not "barely legal." You set yourself up for bitterness and resentent the moment you opened your door to him again. 

You need to close it, and close it all the way shut. 

I agree with this and you shouldn't direct your anger to his girlfriend.  She has no idea he is cheating on her with you.  She wasn't the cause of your break up with him ether.  You said he met her 6 months after you guys broke up so she wasn't even a rebound relationship, and he did move her into his house.  Any questions you have for him regarding his intentions should have been asked before sex because at this point what difference does it make since you still feel he belongs to you and will keep seeing him.  Trying to create boundaries are a joke in this situation.

[Rider on the Storm]

10 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I think you’re right. 
 

Im not going to continue any sort of inappropriate relationship with him. 
 

 

You said this ^, but several short hours later you texted your ex (who currently has a live-in girlfriend) to ask him why he contacted you after a year and a half. If we're being honest, you did so with the hope that he is going to respond by saying that he is still in love with you. Just in case you can't see it, this IS continuing an inappropriate relationship with him.

 

[Weezy1973]

7 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I texted him to ask why he reached out to me after nearly 1.5 years of no contact.

This is the wrong question and you know his answer. He missed you. The right question is are you ready to start a life with me, get married and have a family? 
 

He is an attractive man, in his early 30s, who so far has had no desire to settle down. He can date attractive women 10 years younger than him. The chances of him flipping a switch and now suddenly wanting a family are very slim, but if you need to hear it from him (again), you need to ask him directly.

 

Also agree with everyone else that assuming he still doesn’t want a family, deleting him from your life completely is the only way forward. As is often the case in life, short term pain will give you long term gains. Your future self will be grateful for the strength you showed by moving on completely from him.

[ShelBT]

13 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

You said this ^, but several short hours later you texted your ex (who currently has a live-in girlfriend) to ask him why he contacted you after a year and a half. If we're being honest, you did so with the hope that he is going to respond by saying that he is still in love with you. Just in case you can't see it, this IS continuing an inappropriate relationship with him.

 

I know, and I’m doing yet another inappropriate thing tonight. I’m meeting him to talk in person.
 

He said some things made him start thinking about me a lot, missing me, needing to talk to me, but it wasn’t about sex. I said “Why weren’t you thinking about your girlfriend?” He said that she wasn’t important but then backtracked and said she’s just doesn’t factor in when it comes to our relationship. What relationship?? There is no relationship now. He said he wants to talk to me in person, not text. I agreed to meet him tonight, but in public and no sex. he said that’s fine. So I don’t know. I don’t have high hopes or anything but I’m going to talk to him and right now I’m expecting more vague non-answers and really nothing more.hoping for me yes but not expecting it.

[poppyfields]

@ShelBT if you're still reading, I'm trying to get away from labels, but from what I understand about avoidants and "commitment phobes," specifically the latter, they are notorious for going back and forth between girlfriends and ex's.

He doesn't want commitment with his current gf any more than he wants one with you or ever did.  

Hear me out.  

With you, as your relationship progressed to where the next step was marriage, he felt boxed in, suffocated, pressued and wanted out..

He ends the relationship (or you did due to his inability to commit) after which he meets and begins dating new much younger 21 year old with whom he feels emotionally safe because of her age and her most likely not wanting commitment from him.  Not for many years anyway so he feels more relaxed and less pressure.

Fast forward to now, they're living together.  

Like with you, he's now feeling boxed in, suffocated, pressured so to relieve his anxiety he jumps back to you. 

You're familiar.  You're comfortable.  He didn't need to put forth much effort to "getting" with you again as he would have with a new girl.

I sorry to say this but in a way he's using you.  

You are a distraction and a way to emotionally distance himself from his current. 

It's all pretty standard and what commitmentphobes do, they jump back and forth between women, playing both.

Again apologize for the label, I just don't know how else to describe. 

Please, don't allow yourself to be used like this.  Think better of yourself.   Be smart. 

As I said, he has no intention of ever committing to you just as he has no intention of ever committing to new girl. 

I'd bet money on that. 

It's all about creating distance (emotionally) and jumping back to you was a way to get that distance in his current relationship.

Just my take, I know a bit about the behavior from reading books by reputable authors, my experiences and the experiences of others.

Good luck..

 

 

 

 

Edited September 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I hadn’t been in touch with him since our breakup. I didn’t contact him at all.

Fair enough. I guess then it would be more accurate to say that you are/were in danger of being "turned into" an orbiter.

(Not that it is so very dangerous in the scheme of things, but as noted it can interfere with "moving on".)

It may indeed be accurate that he is a "commitment-phobe" - such folks are certainly out there.

Edited September 14, 2022 by mark clemson

[Coasting1991]

1 hour ago, ShelBT said:

I said “Why weren’t you thinking about your girlfriend?” He said that she wasn’t important but then backtracked and said she’s just doesn’t factor in when it comes to our relationship. 

I'm sorry, what? So the fact that he's currently in a relationship and living with another woman has no bearing on your relationship at all? 

[Acacia98]

On 9/13/2022 at 3:28 AM, ShelBT said:

He told me their relationship isn’t really that serious. I reminded him that she lives with him now. He said he knows but still, he’s not planning on proposing to her any time soon. I sometimes wonder if he got with somebody so young because he figured she wouldn’t be interested in settling down in the near future. He told me recently that he wishes he’d never let her move in. But she’s still there. It’s his house. He could make her leave if he really regretted it that much. She’s still there. 

As I read this, I can't help imagining the possibility that he cheated on you when you two were living together and that he had a similar conversation about you (your relationship isn't serious; he regrets that you moved in together) with the other woman. I hope I'm wrong but he sounds a bit too comfortable with the present situation, like it's something he has practice doing.

Also, I'm not surprised you had difficulty moving on. You never really could have moved on if (as seems apparent) you remained connected via phone and, perhaps, elsewhere. If you really want to move on from someone you've been in a relationship with for nine years, it sounds like you're going to have to block him. Otherwise, you may find yourself on this site nine years from today, regretting having wasted one more decade of your life on someone who still doesn't want a family with you.

[Will am I]

@ShelBT Read carefulky what @poppyfieldswrites. The “back and forth”. Please don’t let yourself get caught in this and waste another bunch of years, the potential consequences are simply too big to take that risk.

If you are considering your ex, he needs to make a very real commitment to you. Complications are many:

1. this kind of commitment would be out of character given his past. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, how realistic is it to expect a sudden turn?

2. he should not feel as if the commitment was forced upon him, is has to come from him without your pressure. Otherwise there will be resentment and somewhere down the line there can be a moment where this is turned against you, with potentially fatal consequences for your relationship. 

3. Then there is the 21 y/o. She won’t just disappear if you two get back together, neither will his feelings for her.

Honestly I don’t see a lot of perspective for a continued relationship. Not to say it can’t happen. But it will require an amazing turnaround on the side of your ex. Way deeper than “I miss you” or the realization that his current GF isn’t perfect either.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ShelBT said:

I know, and I’m doing yet another inappropriate thing tonight. I’m meeting him to talk in person.
 

He said some things made him start thinking about me a lot, missing me, needing to talk to me, but it wasn’t about sex. I said “Why weren’t you thinking about your girlfriend?” He said that she wasn’t important but then backtracked and said she’s just doesn’t factor in when it comes to our relationship. What relationship?? There is no relationship now. He said he wants to talk to me in person, not text. I agreed to meet him tonight, but in public and no sex. he said that’s fine. So I don’t know. I don’t have high hopes or anything but I’m going to talk to him and right now I’m expecting more vague non-answers and really nothing more.hoping for me yes but not expecting it.

Pop-psychoanalysis on him is only going to keep you stuck OP. 

What you need to do is develop stronger boundaries.

Not dropping everything and running to him the minute he texts.

Like, are you not even important enough after 9 years of your life spent together for a phone call?

Instead he just shoots you some lazy text.

 

Edited September 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, ShelBT said:

I know, and I’m doing yet another inappropriate thing tonight. I’m meeting him to talk in person.
 

He said some things made him start thinking about me a lot, missing me, needing to talk to me, but it wasn’t about sex. I said “Why weren’t you thinking about your girlfriend?” He said that she wasn’t important but then backtracked and said she’s just doesn’t factor in when it comes to our relationship. What relationship?? There is no relationship now. He said he wants to talk to me in person, not text. I agreed to meet him tonight, but in public and no sex. he said that’s fine. So I don’t know. I don’t have high hopes or anything but I’m going to talk to him and right now I’m expecting more vague non-answers and really nothing more.hoping for me yes but not expecting it.

Oh dear.  Looks like you're going to have to learn this the hard way.

That's fine, it's actually the best way to learn, through experiencing it. 

My prediction is he will say all the "right" things and you will end up in bed. 

I think he does miss you. But that's only because he doesn't "have" you so there is no pressure, no anxiety about committing.  Again standard behavior.

IF you were to ever get back together, count on a rinse/repeat of your previous relationship and him seeking distance, by either jumping back with the 21 year old or someone new. 

Commitmentphobia.  It's a real affliction similar to claustrophobia.

Both afflictions present by feeling boxed in and suffocated, need to breathe and escape.

With claustrophobia it's physically escape from an enclosed space. 

With commitmentphobia, it's emotionally escape from the confines of a relationship and commitment. 

Good luck. 

Edited September 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[ShelBT]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Pop-psychoanalysis on him is only going to keep you stuck OP. 

What you need to do is develop stronger boundaries.

Not dropping everything and running to him the minute he texts.

Like, are you not even important enough for a phone call? Instead he just shoots you some lazy text.

 

I haven’t run to him every time he contacts me, just some of the time haha. I want to run to him every time, admittedly. 

He does call me. We talk on the phone, text, and have met up for lunch or a drink a few times (no sex involved). 

[poppyfields]

Double post. 

Edited September 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Will am I]

You never really broke up, did you? The ongoing contact, your continued desire to run to him.

I think that on some level you two must have been a good match and a lovely couple. Where things went wrong is you two walking in different directions, you growing up and him not so much.

Maybe these are the hardest to let go .

 

Please be firm with yourself. Don’t let yourself be caught in another 5 years of “maybe” and “almost”.

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

I haven’t run to him every time he contacts me, just some of the time haha. I want to run to him every time, admittedly. 

He does call me. We talk on the phone, text, and have met up for lunch or a drink a few times (no sex involved). 

Considering you have not told him to piss off I fear that you are viewed as the potential safety net he can return to if new relationship goes pear shaped.

ShelBT, I'm also afraid you're thinking that this meeting will mark the beginning of a new relationship. There is no way one date will fix past mistakes, heal hurt feelings, or resolve crazy things that happened after your breakup.

It's also not intended to be a trip down memory lane.

You aren’t there to rehash the past.

It’s not about getting back together, either.

By responding only to him in the hope he will change his mind, you will not be doing either of you any favors; request he stop contacting you for a while. Go out with your friends, learn a new hobby, travel; fill your life with other activities until you realize that you are a complete and interesting person even without him.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

If he's this casual about cheating, I would not be at all surprised if he also cheated on you while you were still together, OP.

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

I can't help imagining the possibility that he cheated on you when you two were living together and that he had a similar conversation about you (your relationship isn't serious; he regrets that you moved in together) with the other woman. 

 

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

If he's this casual about cheating, I would not be at all surprised if he also cheated on you while you were still together, OP.

I'd bet money on both these^ things.

OP, might I suggest you do some reading and learning about the behavior before heading straight into a minefield? 

There are so many red flags here that you're not acknowledging.  Or you are but don't care?

I realize love is emotional but it's important to use logic too. 

Sorry to say you're acting in a self-destructive manner and not taking care of you.

 

 

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I know, and I’m doing yet another inappropriate thing tonight. I’m meeting him to talk in person.
 

He said some things made him start thinking about me a lot, missing me, needing to talk to me, but it wasn’t about sex. I said “Why weren’t you thinking about your girlfriend?” He said that she wasn’t important but then backtracked and said she’s just doesn’t factor in when it comes to our relationship. What relationship?? There is no relationship now. He said he wants to talk to me in person, not text. I agreed to meet him tonight, but in public and no sex. he said that’s fine. So I don’t know. I don’t have high hopes or anything but I’m going to talk to him and right now I’m expecting more vague non-answers and really nothing more.hoping for me yes but not expecting it.

If you're only expecting vague non-answers from him there's really no need to see him.  Anything he needs to say to you can be told by phone.  The only questions that need answering is 1- does he want you back?  2- If so, when is he going to tell his girl it's over and she needs to move out?   That's it.  Anything less is just more junk and then back in the sack.  He knows you can tell him no sex and he agrees but he knows you want it and it will happen with very little effort from him.

[ShelBT]

Nothings impossible but I can’t think of anything that happened when we were together that would indicate he was cheating on me. Besides the end where we decided we wanted different things at the moment, our relationship was really great. He was…just perfect to me. He had/has faults and I do as well but I really always found myself thinking that I could ask for anything more than him. He had everything that I wanted in a partner for life. Well, almost everything, obviously. He was my best friend, my person who I trusted and was closer to than anyone else in the world. Our relationship was actually still really good even when we broke up. I just wasn’t going to force him into marriage and kids and I also wasn’t going to wait around indefinitely and miss my chance. Now here I am 1.5 years later and no closer to those things anyway. 
 

Did I mention that he also looks even more attractive than he did 1.5 years ago. I mean he’s always been attractive but now it’s like wow. 
 

Yes, I’ve put myself in a very bad position. 
 

 

[Will am I]

4 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

He was…just perfect to me.

That's exactly why this whole situation must be so hard on you. A great partner, but somewhere along the line your life goals diverged. Which is a valid reason to break up. We're talking choices with deep consequences, not your favourite brand of coffee.

 

[ShelBT]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you're only expecting vague non-answers from him there's really no need to see him.  Anything he needs to say to you can be told by phone.  The only questions that need answering is 1- does he want you back?  2- If so, when is he going to tell his girl it's over and she needs to move out?   That's it.  Anything less is just more junk and then back in the sack.  He knows you can tell him no sex and he agrees but he knows you want it and it will happen with very little effort from him.

Trying to keep expectations low. He said he wants to meet in person to talk about it. I can’t say no. I just want to hear what he’s going to say, tell him what I need to say and ask him what I need to ask. I don’t plan to continue an intimate relationship with him if he just gives vague non answers and remains in a relationship with somebody else.