Jealous of ex's much younger gf, cheated

[ShelBT]

6 minutes ago, Will am I said:

That's exactly why this whole situation must be so hard on you. A great partner, but somewhere along the line your life goals diverged. Which is a valid reason to break up. We're talking choices with deep consequences, not your favourite brand of coffee.

 

I almost think it would have been easier if I did find out he was cheating on me or if we’d started fighting all of the time toward the end or anything that just really could make me not like him so much anymore.

[ShelBT]

I’m basically preparing to get my heart stomped all over tonight but I’m going for it anyway.

[Alpacalia]

OK, OP.

It's your call.

At least have a cocktail. 🍸

But don't go home with him!

[ShelBT]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

OK, OP.

It's your call.

At least have a cocktail. 🍸

But don't go home with him!

I can’t go home with him. His girlfriend will probably be there waiting. And that does make me feel like a POS. 

Last time it happened it was at my place. He wanted to come see our dogs, who both stayed with me after our breakup. The dogs weren’t the only thing getting petted that night 😬 
I won’t let him come home with me no matter what.
 

I am keeping in mind what some here have said. For me to continue anything with him he will have to get rid of her. I’m not going to demand that. It has to come from him and out of his own free will. Even if he did want that, I don’t know that I could get back together just to not know what our future together holds and if we’ll ever want the same things.

i haven’t wanted to ask him about certain things because I wanted to protect me dignity and my heart, but I decided I’m asking him tonight, point blank. I need to ask just one time, and then never again. 
 

 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

Last time it happened it was at my place. He wanted to come see our dogs, who both stayed with me after our breakup. The dogs weren’t the only thing getting petted that night 😬 
I won’t let him come home with me no matter what.

Oh gosh. LOL

That's a smart idea.

Who knows what other partners he might be sleeping with.

Drive separate and leave separate.

Keep the meeting brief.

.

[Will am I]

22 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

I almost think it would have been easier if I did find out he was cheating on me or if we’d started fighting all of the time toward the end or anything that just really could make me not like him so much anymore.

It's become clear through your posts that you still love your ex, and maybe are even in love with him. That makes you very vulnerable. Some sweet talk and a few half hearted promises and you find yourself back in square one.

 

Looking at his behaviour from an objective distance, I see a man who 

(a) probably still has feelings for you

(b) does not present himself a very faitful and reliable man (i.e. jumping ship from one relationship to the other and when given the opportunity sleeping with his ex again)

(c) seems to linger in what has been called "Peter Pan syndrome" (i.e. his choice of a much younger GF looks like an attempt to buy himself some more adolescent years)

 

Of course you know more, see more, see different angles, but this is what we outsiders see. Outsider observations are remarkably powerful. And in this case they do present a couple of serious problems. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to read a happy testimony of how you found eachother and connected deeper than ever and are now living happily ever after, raising your family. But what we see now make that outcome somewhat unlikely. Toughen up, don't melt for his charms, let him make a solid case why you should take him back.

 

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, ShelBT said:

Nothings impossible but I can’t think of anything that happened when we were together that would indicate he was cheating on me.

This is probably what his girl is thinking too and when/if she finds out she may leave him; and then you will have to deal with his chasing after her, which will happen because he knows the world is her oyster and he's just the old guy (to her) that she's leaving behind.

[ExpatInItaly]

49 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

The dogs weren’t the only thing getting petted that night

But then he quite possibly did the same to his girlfriend when he got home. 

That can't feel very good for you. 

[Alpacalia]

Indeed.

It was because he didn't want a marriage or children that you broke up after nine years.

If things miraculously change, I don't see this working out for you.

In any case, I hope it turns out well for you.

Edited September 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ShelBT]

 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But then he quite possibly did the same to his girlfriend when he got home. 

That can't feel very good for you. 

No it doesn’t. It makes me feel very bad on multiple levels.

I know that there’s a really good chance everyone here might be saying “I told you so” after tonight. 

 

 

[ShelBT]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Indeed.

It was because he didn't want a marriage or children that you broke up after nine years.

If things miraculously change, I don't see this working out for you.

In any case, I hope it turns out well for you.

If he changes his mind about what he wants you still don’t think it’ll work out for me in the long run?

[ShelBT]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

This is probably what his girl is thinking too and when/if she finds out she may leave him; and then you will have to deal with his chasing after her, which will happen because he knows the world is her oyster and he's just the old guy (to her) that she's leaving behind.

And then maybe I’ll have to change my username to stillafool2 because that’ll be me. 

[stillafool]

Just now, ShelBT said:

And then maybe I’ll have to change my username to stillafool2 because that’ll be me. 

No, I doubt you'll ever be that bad. LOL

[ShelBT]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

It's become clear through your posts that you still love your ex, and maybe are even in love with him. That makes you very vulnerable. Some sweet talk and a few half hearted promises and you find yourself back in square one.

 

Looking at his behaviour from an objective distance, I see a man who 

(a) probably still has feelings for you

(b) does not present himself a very faitful and reliable man (i.e. jumping ship from one relationship to the other and when given the opportunity sleeping with his ex again)

(c) seems to linger in what has been called "Peter Pan syndrome" (i.e. his choice of a much younger GF looks like an attempt to buy himself some more adolescent years)

 

Of course you know more, see more, see different angles, but this is what we outsiders see. Outsider observations are remarkably powerful. And in this case they do present a couple of serious problems. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to read a happy testimony of how you found eachother and connected deeper than ever and are now living happily ever after, raising your family. But what we see now make that outcome somewhat unlikely. Toughen up, don't melt for his charms, let him make a solid case why you should take him back.

 

 

I appreciate the outside perspective. I’m sure I look pretty darn pathetic from the outside right about now. I honestly can’t believe this is where I’m at 1.5 years after our breakup.

Maybe he has a bit of Peter Pan syndrome going on. It’s hard to say since it’s not like it’s that unusual for a man in his early 30s to not want to settle down these days, especially if he’s the type who knows he has plenty of options out there. Peter Pan syndrome, to me, is about more than just not wanting to settle down but a more encompassing not wanting to grow up and be mature in a wider array of ways. Commitment-phobe may be the more accurate way to classify him.

[BrinnM]

3 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

If he changes his mind about what he wants you still don’t think it’ll work out for me in the long run?

What do you mean by working out? Do you consider taking him back? 😬

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

If he changes his mind about what he wants you still don’t think it’ll work out for me in the long run?

Think about this logically.  IF (massive if) he changed his mind, would he still be choosing to live with his current girlfriend?

Does that make sense to you? 

No it doesn't.  He'd have broken up with her and moving mountains to get back with you.

Definitely NOT playing you both as he's doing now.  I

I doubt she knows anything about what he's doing or trying to do with you now.  He's deceiving her. 

You are a distraction from the pressure he's feeling in his current relationship, a way to create distance.

He chose you because you're easy, familiar and comfortable.  

Read about it. There is tons of information out there about such men.

Learn.   

Edited September 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Will am I]

8 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

I’m sure I look pretty darn pathetic from the outside right about now

This is not about how pathetic you look.

It’s about something much bigger, much more  important.

This is about whether or not you are making choices to the benefit of your life goals.

You have a life goal to raise a family. To be a mother. Your indecisiveness and lack of clear plans and coherent actions is gradually becoming a severe threat to this plan.

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I doubt she knows anything about what he's doing or trying to do with you now.  He's deceiving her. 

This is correct.  As a matter of fact OP when he starts telling you how much he wants you and misses you tonight ask him when is he going to tell her that he wants to get back together with you.  His answer will tell you everything you need to know.  To say she has nothing to do with your relationship is not true because she's in the middle of it and living with him.  You are not allowed to come to his place because that is her home too.  What and  when does he plan to take care of that.

Edited September 14, 2022 by stillafool

[ShelBT]

5 minutes ago, Will am I said:

This is not about how pathetic you look.

It’s about something much bigger, much more  important.

This is about whether or not you are making choices to the benefit of your life goals.

You have a life goal to raise a family. To be a mother. Your indecisiveness and lack of clear plans and coherent actions is gradually becoming a severe threat to this plan.

I’m not going to sit around and wait for HIM forever. I’m not going to continue life as his side piece either. 
 

I did try to date other people. I went on several dates. I tried moving on but I guess I wasn’t ready yet. No guys held my interest. I need to get him out of my system right now. I just need to meet him tonight and have this conversation and then make a major change. I just really need to see him tonight and hear what he has to say before I can figure out next steps forward. 
 

sometimes I think I should have just stayed with him continuing on as we were since I haven’t yet found happiness without him. I could have been married to somebody by now if that was really all I cared about. I could have found somebody willing even if he didn’t feel like “the one” to me. But I’m holding out. Many men are still chasing after the 20 somethings though, the men who know they have all the time and willing women in the world. It’s very depressing right now.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

Many men are still chasing after the 20 somethings though, the men who know they have all the time and willing women in the world. 

Who does this remind you of?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ShelBT said:

If he changes his mind about what he wants you still don’t think it’ll work out for me in the long run?

The question I have for you is, what really is behind the allure?

There is probably a part of you that feels satisfied that you pulled one over on a 20-something-year-old "gorgeous" woman.

A woman with whom he moved in so easily after knowing for a short time.

No doubt it stings, I'm sure.

This is what you originally posted. Your jealousy of her. It seems like that is a large part of what is driving your behavior, which is causing you to lose sight of the whole picture and to make some very poor choices as a result. I think that is a big source of your problems.

Edited September 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ShelBT]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The question I have for you is, what really is behind the allure?

There is probably a part of you that feels satisfied that you pulled one over on a 20-something-year-old "gorgeous" woman.

A woman with whom he moved in so easily after knowing for a short time.

No doubt it stings, I'm sure.

This is what you originally posted. Your jealousy of her. I think that's a very big part of what is driving your behavior and is blinding you to this whole thing.

I love him. I’m still in love with him. He’s who I want. No other guy compares and every time I go out with another guy I’m thinking of my ex. Now I don’t think that entitles me to him or means that I have the right to just steal him away from his current girlfriend. The world doesn’t revolve around me and I know that.

It hurt when I found out he had a new girlfriend. I found out through his sister. Then when I found out she was 20 at the time that really stung. It’s not her fault that she’s young. Obviously I can’t blame her for wanting to be with him. I was dealing with a lot of emotions about wasted years, heading into mid-30s and having to start over relationship wise and starting to feel a time crunch on starting a family. I hadn’t felt a rush until I turned 34. Hearing a bunch of people I know (men and women) remind me that no matter how attractive I am, attractive and successful men in their 30s often are still going after women in the 20s because they can, and that I’ll likely have to settle for somebody further down on the scale of I want to find somebody willing to marry and have children and who doesn’t already come with a ton of baggage, existing children, etc. of his own. 
 

So then to find out my ex was with a 20 year old and I saw what she looked like. So yes I stopped low enough to check out her social media a few times. That hurt very bad. But I tried to continue on with my life, I tried to date, focused on my own thing, didn’t contact him at all and make a fool of myself.  I think I’m attractive enough. I did initially enjoy my 30s. But I’m not a 20 year old. She’s very much the opposite of me in many ways. I wouldn’t have been happy no matter who his new girlfriend was but something about who he chose just stung extra hard.

[ShelBT]

I hate myself for being jealous of this girl. I really do hate it. I feel like she stole my favorite toy but it’s still my toy even if it’s temporarily in her toy box! 

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

I hate myself for being jealous of this girl. I really do hate it. I feel like she stole my favorite toy but it’s still my toy even if it’s temporarily in her toy box! 

Do you realise how illogical you're being?   This man ceased to be yours when you ended the relationship.  

If this guy is really who you want, beg for him to return to you.  Apologise and tell him that you were wrong to end it and that you'll be fine with no marriage and no babies. 

Edited September 14, 2022 by basil67

[poppyfields]

I thought he ended it or it was mutually decided?

In any event, good luck tonight and let us know how it goes. 

Edited September 15, 2022 by poppyfields