Jealous of ex's much younger gf, cheated

[poppyfields]

Double. 

Edited September 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I thought HE ended it or it was mutually decided. 

In any event, good luck tonight and let us know how it goes. 

Ah yes, I stand corrected. It was a mutual decision.

@ShelBT  I'm trying to get my head around why you want a guy who doesn't want the same life as you do?   Or are you planning to sacrifice your dreams if it means having him?

Edited September 15, 2022 by basil67

[ShelBT]

We met, we talked, we went home separately. 
 

I asked him why he really decided to reach out to me after almost 1.5 years. He of course said that he missed me, but I questioned what happened to make him miss me suddenly to the point of contacting me after over a year apart. He said that some things have lately caused me to be on his mind a lot and that he had been thinking about me for a while before he finally reached out. When I asked him what “things” made him miss me that much he said just some stuff that reminded him of me, of us, and some people he knows that got married and had a kid. That last part caught me off guard. 
 

He said he missed our life together. I told him he didn’t seem to be doing too bad, he looks great, has a hot girlfriend, can probably do what he pleases for the most part. He said yeah that’s true but it’s not really that great or fulfilling. He said it feels fake, like pretend, and likes it just something he’s been doing until he gets back to our life together. I asked him if that meant he did want us to be together again and he said yes. He said his girlfriend is great, a nice girl, fun, and she loves him. He knows she loves him but he said she sort of follows him around like a puppy and she’s 21 and wants to do things that 21 year olds want to do and expects him to want to do those things with her and he does sometimes to be a good boyfriend but he feels ridiculous. This is just what he says, I’m not necessarily saying it’s even the truth or putting my own judgments in here. He says he cares about her but it’s “not like our relationship.” He says that’s what he meant by her not mattering as far as our relationship is concerned. 
 

He asked me if I thought about him and missed him before he had reached out to me. I admitted that I had. He said he couldn’t tell how I really felt about him now. Despite what you all might think based on things I’ve said here, I’ve been pretty guarded with my interactions with him. I’ve tried to not act like a lovesick teenager. I’ve been trying to protect myself from being really hurt and embarrassed. I told him I loved him and that part of me would probably always love him but I had to protect myself. He said he loves me too. My heart was bursting with joy just hearing him say it but I still want what I want. I told him that I still want marriage and a family and that hasn’t changed and probably will not change. I can’t wait around while he’s in a relationship with somebody else, or even single or in a relationship with me but undecided if he wants marriage and a family too. He said he knows and he thinks he wants those things now too. I asked why not with his young fertile girlfriend. He told me to stop mentioning her and that hr would never have a baby with her. He apologized for not being ready 2 years ago when I was really serious about it. He said he can give those things to me, we can pick up where we left off. 
 

I was so happy but also just had this uneasy “too good to be true” feeling inside. I still do. 
 

I’m worried he won’t actually leave the girlfriend. I’m worried this is a whim and he’ll get back with me and then realize he regrets it. I’m worried we’ll get back together and “pickup where we left off” and he’ll find excuses to just stay that way without the marriage and the kids for quite a while longer.

I told him that I love him, it’s true, but I need time to process. He needs to show me with some actions that this is for real because it’s honestly just hard to believe. 
 

I feel like one side of my heart is swelling and the other is crying. 

 

[ShelBT]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ah yes, I stand corrected. It was a mutual decision.

@ShelBT  I'm trying to get my head around why you want a guy who doesn't want the same life as you do?   Or are you planning to sacrifice your dreams if it means having him?

I don’t want a guy who doesn’t want the same things. I just want this guy to want the same things. 

[basil67]

Thanks for the update...so he might be changing his mind?   You're absolutely right that he needs to prove himself.  And to see this, you need to put some strong boundaries in place.   Because if he's not going to meet his promise, you will want to make sure you don't get burned.

I'd tell him that you still want this future with him, but you cannot continue meeting him while he's seeing someone else.  But if he was single and proposed to you, you would very much be open to having a conversation about building a future together.   

Edited to add: Stop saying mean stuff about his girlfriend.  She's the only one in all of this who's done nothing wrong.

Edited September 15, 2022 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

I think that’s a good conversation. And wanting actions is a good boundary you set. But you have to live by it. He needs to dump his girlfriend first and foremost with no guarantees you’ll take him back. If he wants marriage and babies, and for sure knows he doesn’t want them with her, it’s time for him to dump her. That’s the first action, and nothing even begins until then. Second step, getting engaged, setting a date to get married. These are actions.

 

But just know there are no guarantees. But there never are. He could change his mind at any time. As could anyone.

[ShelBT]

He also told me he wishes we’d never broke up and asked why I couldn’t have just given him some more time. I gave him over a year after I started talking seriously about starting a family! He asked why I was still single if I was so set on marriage and babies. I couldn’t tell him because I compare everything single man to him. I just told him that I could have found some simp of a guy who would have married me if I was really focused on marriage and children over everything else, but I’m not interested in settling for somebody. He said he figured I’d would have run out and got engaged within 6 months. I’m not that crazy about getting married! I wanted to get married to him specifically because we’d been together for NEARLY A DECADE, not just marriage for marriage’s sake. 
 

[ShelBT]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Edited to add: Stop saying mean stuff about his girlfriend.  She's the only one in all of this who's done nothing wrong.

You’re right. Nothing is her fault. I feel bad for what I’ve done and even if he tells me tonight that he changed his mind and is going to stay with her I’ll be pissed at him but I’ll still feel bad for what I’ve done to her. I’m not going to continue anything with him while she’s still in the picture. He told me he’s going to break up with her and get her out of his house. He feels bad, like a jerk. He should. I doubt she’ll see it coming but I don’t know what really goes on between them. I’m not sitting here feeling like I’ve won or getting any sort of pleasure out of any hurt coming her way if any of this even happens. He seemed genuine, I believe he was being honest about how he feels towards me. I can’t be sure if he was being completely honest about his feelings towards her or not.

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

He also told me he wishes we’d never broke up and asked why I couldn’t have just given him some more time. I gave him over a year after I started talking seriously about starting a family! He asked why I was still single if I was so set on marriage and babies. I couldn’t tell him because I compare everything single man to him. I just told him that I could have found some simp of a guy who would have married me if I was really focused on marriage and children over everything else, but I’m not interested in settling for somebody. He said he figured I’d would have run out and got engaged within 6 months. I’m not that crazy about getting married! I wanted to get married to him specifically because we’d been together for NEARLY A DECADE, not just marriage for marriage’s sake. 
 

Does the bolded raise the alarm bells for you that it does for me?  

 

[Alpacalia]

It's encouraging to see you standing firm, OP.  

You handled it well!

I'm glad you have become more level-headed.

Yes, you should be concerned that he won't leave his girlfriend or that when you get back together he still drags his feet.

Take as much time as you need to absorb everything he said.

A serious man will break up with his girlfriend. People who want to be in your life will find a way. If they don’t, they don’t want it badly enough.

Think carefully about whether you are willing to endure all of that and whether you will be able to bear the risk.

Leaving the relationship behind has left a huge void. Taking your ex back is the quick fix in this situation. Don't let this relationship dictate your entire life. It's already causing anxiety, insecurity, and various pressures. Think about it: if your ex wants you back, would you consider taking him back just so you won't have to be alone?

Asking yourself if your ex boyfriend has changed is one of the best ways to answer the question of whether you should get back together.

Something wasn’t working in your last relationship together. What has he done to ensure things don't turn out the same way they did when you broke up last time? Are you okay with the fact that he is the kind of man that cheats on their mate?

Ensure you're not stepping into a repeat relationship.

It's also important to gauge his honesty about his part in the breakup. Yours too.

You may find these questions terrifying and extremely unpleasant to contemplate, but your heart and well-being depend on them. We’ve got to be honest about what is going to make you feel happiest in your life.

The decision is tough, but if you stick to your goals and are honest with yourself, you're likely to make the best  possible decision.

[ShelBT]

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Does the bolded raise the alarm bells for you that it does for me?  

 

Not very loud alarm bells. Why do those statements strike you in that way? Not arguing but genuinely curious about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh. 

I'm sorry, but I still don't see this ending well. He had 9 years to figure this out. And now he has the cojones to ask why you couldn't have given him even more time? Wow. Coupled with his current bad behaviour, you're looking at a pretty selfish man. He is thkning about himself, his timelines, his desires. Not yours, and not hers. I see a complete lack of insight and maturity on his part. You also now know he's the cheating type. Every time he is quiet or distant, you will wonder who else he's texting or meeting up with. 

I predict when push comes to shove, you still won't get the relationship you so badly want from him. 

Protect your heart here, and dont't let your ego steer the ship. 

Edited September 15, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Datergirl]

I'm not sure I could be with a man who was cheating on his girlfriend with me. 

I mean, he pursued you after a year of being with her. He's treating both of you terribly.

She'll likely be hurt if she finds out and it's hurting you doing it. 

I know after 9 years it's hard but he's shown the kind of man he is. He hasn't said he wants you back, but he shown he wants sex with you both and is lying (presumably) to his girlfriend.

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I’m not going to sit around and wait for HIM forever. I’m not going to continue life as his side piece either. 

That’s a great decision. Of course the conscious decision is only step one, following through is the rest of the work. But it’s a good start!

8 hours ago, ShelBT said:

 

I did try to date other people. I went on several dates. I tried moving on but I guess I wasn’t ready yet. No guys held my interest.

Because your heart was fully occupied with your ex. No date could have possibly sparked your interest.

8 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I need to get him out of my system right now. I just need to meet him tonight and have this conversation and then make a major change. I just really need to see him tonight and hear what he has to say before I can figure out next steps forward. 
 

sometimes I think I should have just stayed with him continuing on as we were since I haven’t yet found happiness without him. I could have been married to somebody by now if that was really all I cared about. I could have found somebody willing even if he didn’t feel like “the one” to me. But I’m holding out. Many men are still chasing after the 20 somethings though, the men who know they have all the time and willing women in the world. It’s very depressing right now.

Don’t think low of yourself. This self image has probably been damager by your ex’s choice for a 21 year old. Women in their 30s aren’t less attractive.

There is no reason ro think you wouldn’t be able to find a good partner who will commit to you and your precious life goals. If you are opening your heart.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I hate myself for being jealous of this girl. I really do hate it. I feel like she stole my favorite toy but it’s still my toy even if it’s temporarily in her toy box! 

What makes you believe it's temporary?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, ShelBT said:

. I feel like she stole my favorite toy but it’s still my toy even if it’s temporarily in her toy box! 

Your ex jumped into her toy box quite happily and willingly. Just because he agreed to see you doesn't mean they're unhappy. Every cheater has the "partner doesn't understand me" line in their toolbox. After your meeting he went home, to her, and probably had sex. 

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, ShelBT said:

When I asked him what “things” made him miss me that much he said just some stuff that reminded him of me, of us, and some people he knows that got married and had a kid. That last part caught me off guard. 

It's not a lot, but it's something. This may be a sign that his attitude towards starting a family may be changing.

8 hours ago, ShelBT said:

He knows she loves him but he said she sort of follows him around like a puppy and she’s 21 and wants to do things that 21 year olds want to do and expects him to want to do those things with her and he does sometimes to be a good boyfriend but he feels ridiculous.

Like, yeah. That's what ou get for dating a 21 y/o. 

I don't like the sound of this. Because he's talking his new girlfriend down. It doesn't feel geniune. It feels like he's smooth talking to you to keep his options open. If her being ten years younger was really that much of a compatibility issue, why is he still with her?

 

8 hours ago, ShelBT said:

He asked me if I thought about him and missed him before he had reached out to me.

Smart guy, checking his options before committing.

8 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I asked why not with his young fertile girlfriend. He told me to stop mentioning her and that hr would never have a baby with her. He apologized for not being ready 2 years ago when I was really serious about it. He said he can give those things to me, we can pick up where we left off. 

He would never have a baby with her. What is that supposed to mean? He is not planning on having babies? Or he thinks she's not his "forever person"? In the latter case, why is he still with her?

8 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I was so happy but also just had this uneasy “too good to be true” feeling inside. I still do. 

Because you're still so sensitive to his charms. He carefully touches the part of you that really really wants to be with him, making you feel understandably delighted. But by the sound of what he said he's not committing to anything at all.

8 hours ago, ShelBT said:

I feel like one side of my heart is swelling and the other is crying. 

 

This ambivalence is not good for you. You need to exit this ambivalent state soon, on either side.

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your ex jumped into her toy box quite happily and willingly

I second this thought. OP, you're putting the blame almost entirely on the 21 y/o new GF. In your rhetoric she "stole him from you".

Presumably it's much easier to blame her when you love your ex BF so dearly. But proper boundaries dictate a different mentality. You're upset with him, for spending 9 years of your life by your side but refusing to commit for the rest of it, for refusing to grow up, for abandoning you just when you wanted to make things more permanent, for hurting your feelings when he happily stretched on into a new relationship with a much younger woman while you hadn't emotionally closed the relationship at all.

His new girlfriend, she's none of your business.

[Rider on the Storm]

10 hours ago, ShelBT said:

He also told me he wishes we’d never broke up and asked why I couldn’t have just given him some more time. 
 

More time? You gave him 9 years. That is substantially more time than most get before they start feeling pressure. Reading this gives me the impression that he is attempting to lay the blame on you for the break-up. Perhaps in his mind it helps to justify his decision to leave you a year and a half ago. I wouldn't fall for this.

I really do want to be happy for you, but I do not believe this is going to end the way you are hoping for. He may "miss" and "think" about you on occasion, but that doesn't necessarily translate into a solid relationship where 2 parties want the same thing. Time will tell, but let's see if he actually breaks up with the girlfriend that he is supposedly so unhappy with (classic affair talk, btw). And in the off-chance that he does break up with her, I do not believe it will go back to being the same or better than you had imagined. I reconnected with a past flame. In the beginning it felt as if there were no 2 humans on this planet that were destined to be together than her and I. Well, guess what? After several years, we are no longer together.

I would proceed very cautiously and with a lot of thought if I were you. You have already tied up 9 years of your life and allowed him to set you back after a 1.5 year absence. I sense the revisionism and know that you're remembering him being the best thing since sliced bread, but I would also remember that he was ok with ending the relationship because he didn't want marriage and kids, despite a 9 year relationship with you. 

Just because you have yet to meet the one doesn't mean that he is the one.

 

Edited September 15, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[Weezy1973]

I have a bit of a different take. To me the only thing that matters is if he wants to start a family. That’s why you broke up, and still the only thing that matters. My guess is he didn’t want to commit to a family because he’s an attractive guy in his early 30s and doesn’t have a time crunch. Essentially the time crunch is the only reason you want a family soon. You can’t expect him to just jump and change because you have. 
 

I think the main question for you OP, is would you rather be with him, but not have a family together, or would you rather have a family with someone else? This is a tough question, I know, but an important one.

[ShelBT]

I woke up to a text this morning “When do you want to get married?” 
 

I asked if he just expected us to get married right away. Wouldn’t that be weird after having not been together for going on 2 years now. He said no, why would we wait after being together so long before.

As happy as it made me, I told him I couldn’t talk about any of this stuff while he is still in a relationship with somebody else. He said “I won’t be for long. You don’t think I’m serious but I am.” I just left it at that. He needs to break up with her now if I’m going to take him seriously.

 

[ShelBT]

31 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I have a bit of a different take. To me the only thing that matters is if he wants to start a family. That’s why you broke up, and still the only thing that matters. My guess is he didn’t want to commit to a family because he’s an attractive guy in his early 30s and doesn’t have a time crunch. Essentially the time crunch is the only reason you want a family soon. You can’t expect him to just jump and change because you have. 
 

I think the main question for you OP, is would you rather be with him, but not have a family together, or would you rather have a family with someone else? This is a tough question, I know, but an important one.

The rest of our relationship was fine. I’m not saying it was perfect but it was good and satisfying for me. He checked all of my other boxes except “ready to start a family right now.” I said he was perfect to me in a previous post but I just meant a perfect match, everything I’m looking for, not that I actually think he’s flawless in every way. 
 

I think the current situation would be different if there were other circumstances surrounding our breakup, not getting along, loss of attraction, incompatibilities in more ways than just what we wanted for our immediate futures 2 years ago, etc. None of that. I wasn’t going to force him to commit and move to the next stage and he wasn’t going to force me to wait longer/indefinitely. I don’t think we actually wanted to leave each other but we didn’t want ourselves or the other person to be miserable.
 

Yeah I’m still a little hurt that after 9 years he wasn’t ready for the next step, if I really think about it and try to feel bad. If that part has changed and he does still love me and he realizes that he does want the next stage of life and he wants it with me then that will be very hard for me to walk away from. If he told me right now he wanted to be with me again but wanted to wait a few more years to “maybe” start a family, well honestly that’s probably still be hard for me to resist right now but I know that’s not what I want and that ultimately I’ll have a lot of resentment if he somehow caused me to completely let my child bearing years pass me by. I was never in a rush to get married or have kids, even after we’d been together for several years. I wanted him and I reached a point where I realized I wanted him to be the father of my children “one day” but I wasn’t at all concerned about that happening immediately.
 

So we were on the same page for most of our relationship - happy with how things were, committed to each other/living together, but no need for marriage and definitely wanting kids somebody but happy just being child free adults for a while. I don’t think I was wrong when I decided I was definitely ready for those things but to expect him to feel ready at the exact same moment was maybe unrealistic. I probably took it overly personally instead of just accepting that it didn’t matter who the woman was - he just wasn’t ready. 

[ShelBT]

43 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

More time? You gave him 9 years. That is substantially more time than most get before they start feeling pressure. Reading this gives me the impression that he is attempting to lay the blame on you for the break-up. Perhaps in his mind it helps to justify his decision to leave you a year and a half ago. I wouldn't fall for this.

I really do want to be happy for you, but I do not believe this is going to end the way you are hoping for. He may "miss" and "think" about you on occasion, but that doesn't necessarily translate into a solid relationship where 2 parties want the same thing. Time will tell, but let's see if he actually breaks up with the girlfriend that he is supposedly so unhappy with (classic affair talk, btw). And in the off-chance that he does break up with her, I do not believe it will go back to being the same or better than you had imagined. I reconnected with a past flame. In the beginning it felt as if there were no 2 humans on this planet that were destined to be together than her and I. Well, guess what? After several years, we are no longer together.

I would proceed very cautiously and with a lot of thought if I were you. You have already tied up 9 years of your life and allowed him to set you back after a 1.5 year absence. I sense the revisionism and know that you're remembering him being the best thing since sliced bread, but I would also remember that he was ok with ending the relationship because he didn't want marriage and kids, despite a 9 year relationship with you. 

Just because you have yet to meet the one doesn't mean that he is the one.

 

Oh I don’t think he’s really saying he’s “unhappy” with his girlfriend or that she’s this terrible person. He spoke nicely about her and based on the snooping I’ve done (not my proudest moment but curious it’s killed me) she looks at him like he hung the moon. But I do get the impression that he’s experiencing a grass is greener sort of moment with her. Sure she’s young and fun and doesn’t have any real responsibilities and isn’t looking to settle down any time soon and he thought that’s what he wanted but now that he has it and she’s living with him and he’s paying for everything and he has to go do these 21 year old girl things with her 21 year old friends he’s thinking maybe it’s not what he actually wants. That’s how he said it and the impression that I got. Of course it puts that little worry in my mind that he could THINK he wants me, a serious adult committed relationship, marriage, a baby…then what if he realizes it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I’m trying to not be completely blinded here.

 

I don’t know, I’m sure it’s very easy to see it one way as an outsider and from the limited info and summaries of full conversations im sharing here. And maybe the outside perspective is right. But I just feel that he’s genuine. I don’t really agree with everything or think he’s gone about it in the best way but he just seems really genuine about it and I feel like I know him well enough to tell when he’s saying something that is totally BS. But that’s why I’m asking for actions to back up what he says. I’m really trying to not be totally naive. He is good about being charming. He’s good about saying the right things in the right ways and he obviously knows me well enough to know my weaknesses when it comes to him. 

[poppyfields]

54 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

I woke up to a text this morning “When do you want to get married?” 

I asked if he just expected us to get married right away. Wouldn’t that be weird after having not been together for going on 2 years now. He said no, why would we wait after being together so long before.

As happy as it made me, I told him I couldn’t talk about any of this stuff while he is still in a relationship with somebody else. He said “I won’t be for long. You don’t think I’m serious but I am.” I just left it at that. He needs to break up with her now if I’m going to take him seriously.

I suspect this won't be a popular opinion but sometimes it takes being without someone to realize you want and need to be with them, that they're your "forever person." 

Sometimes it even takes getting into another relationship with the 'wrong' person to realize your ex is the 'right' person.

I am NOT saying that's what's happening here but it's a possibility.

It's a risk, there are no guarantees because you're right, y'all could get back together and he may decide he doesn't want marriage after all.

This happens more often than not from what I've observed and even experienced.  

But not always, I've seen where it works out too..

In any event, I admire the way you are handling this.  Strong and decisive without being demanding and heavy-handed.  I suspect this may have even contributed to his sudden desire to marry you. 

Your strength and confidence in remaining true to yourself and what you want, despite missing him and your obvious love for him.

I'm giving him the huge benefit of doubt here though because it's impossible to know what he's truly thinking and feeling. 

To me, he sounds genuine and he may be, but then change his mind once back together.

Again it's a risk and your choice. 

If me, I would take the risk. But that's because I'm quite resilient and know I would be OK no matter what the ultimate outcome. 

And if I didn't, I'd always wonder "what if."

That's the worst, those dreaded "what if" feelings that tend to stick with you.

You might have to play this out @ShelBT. Hope  for the best but prepare for the worst (i.e him changing his mind).

It might be the only way you'll be able to let go and move on for good, assuming it doesn't work out. 

It may work out though!  You just never know, good luck. 

 

Edited September 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ShelBT said:

As happy as it made me, I told him I couldn’t talk about any of this stuff while he is still in a relationship with somebody else. 

 

Right.

As well as stopping the back-and-forth chit-chat.

He has to work his sh*take out on his own.

Not dangle the marriage card while he's still living with someone.

 

Edited September 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Coasting1991]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Right.

As well as stopping the back-and-forth chit-chat.

He has to work his sh*take out on his own.

Not dangle the marriage card while he's still living with someone.

 

I agree with this. Dangling the marriage card and asking when you want to get married sounds like a grand, lovebombing gesture. I could be wrong, but it's possible. 

Sorry if I missed it but did he bring up also having children with you? To me, this guy has to prove to you that he serious in building a life with you. Unfortunately that will take time, which was one of the culprits of you breaking up.