Jealous of ex's much younger gf, cheated

[mark clemson]

It sounds like a nice story and he realized you're what he wants. He may have been comparing others to you just as you have been to him. He may have realized that "he had the life he actually wanted" with you and/or that "it's time" to finally settle down. People decide this all the time, and it's a part of how families get made.

Just makes sure he actually leaves and comes back to you in relatively short order. If he's still "working on telling her" three weeks from now, you can forget about it. If he's serious about marriage, I'd guess that can/should happen within 6 months as well (since he knows you so well, knows you can live well together, etc). And presumably a kid within a year or two.

I wish you luck. The only way to know whether it will "work out" is to give it a shot. Just have your reality glasses on too, despite all the romance of this. He might be able to change, might not, and only some reasonable amount of time will tell you that. IF he can't, it's not at all fair to you to stretch things out too long, and he no doubt realizes that.

Edited September 15, 2022 by mark clemson

[ShelBT]

He texted me against, claiming he’s breaking up with her tonight. Can he come see me once that’s done? I told him he doesn’t need to tell me what he’s going to do - just wait to contact me again after he’s done it. Yes of course I want to be free to be with him, to sleep with him, to call him mine again the second their relationship ship is officially over. 
 

I wonder what will happen when she has to figure out where she will go and where she’ll live. Until she’s actually officially out of his home I won’t really be able to completely be on board. 

[ShelBT]

42 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like a nice story and he realized you're what he wants. He may have been comparing others to you just as you have been to him. He may have realized that "he had the life he actually wanted" with you and/or that "it's time" to finally settle down. People decide this all the time, and it's a part of how families get made.

Just makes sure he actually leaves and comes back to you in relatively short order. If he's still "working on telling her" three weeks from now, you can forget about it. If he's serious about marriage, I'd guess that can/should happen within 6 months as well (since he knows you so well, knows you can live well together, etc). And presumably a kid within a year or two.

I wish you luck. The only way to know whether it will "work out" is to give it a shot. Just have your reality glasses on too, despite all the romance of this. He might be able to change, might not, and only some reasonable amount of time will tell you that. IF he can't, it's not at all fair to you to stretch things out too long, and he no doubt realizes that.

Yep, trying to balance the “my heart is exploding and I want to have his baby RIGHT NOW!” with current reality, which is that he has a girlfriend who is living with him! 

[ShelBT]

51 minutes ago, Coasting1991 said:

I agree with this. Dangling the marriage card and asking when you want to get married sounds like a grand, lovebombing gesture. I could be wrong, but it's possible. 

Sorry if I missed it but did he bring up also having children with you? To me, this guy has to prove to you that he serious in building a life with you. Unfortunately that will take time, which was one of the culprits of you breaking up. 

He said he “thinks” he’s ready for marriage and kids and he wants it with me. He wants me to be the mother of his children and can’t imagine it being anyone else. He said he wants to give me the marriage and children I want. Words I’ve longed to hear from him for so long. 

[Will am I]

33 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

He texted me against, claiming he’s breaking up with her tonight

This is symptomatic for the lack of boundaries.

He’s not taking responsibility and doing the breakup on his own, independent of what lies ahead.

He’s aligning the break-up with you, making sure he won’t be without a girlfriend at any time.

And you’re letting him get away with it.

 

 

[stillafool]

I must say this is a turn of events and he sounds serious.  At least he's immediately telling his gf that he's breaking up with her.  So far he has said and doing the right things to let you know he means it.  I hope it works out for you OP.  I can't imagine an ex saying all of these things if he doesn't mean it.  That would be too cruel.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ShelBT said:

He texted me against, claiming he’s breaking up with her tonight. Can he come see me once that’s done?

If they are breaking up why isn't she moving out so you could see him at his place?

[flitzanu]

11 hours ago, Datergirl said:

I'm not sure I could be with a man who was cheating on his girlfriend with me. 

I mean, he pursued you after a year of being with her. He's treating both of you terribly.

She'll likely be hurt if she finds out and it's hurting you doing it. 

I know after 9 years it's hard but he's shown the kind of man he is. He hasn't said he wants you back, but he shown he wants sex with you both and is lying (presumably) to his girlfriend.

this.  

whether or not it is your ex boyfriend, this guy literally lied and cheated on his girlfriend, and this is a guy you want to date now/marry.  

he cheated on her, he can cheat on you, and that's something you should be aware of.

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Again it's a risk and your choice. 

I agree with this. In most cases I’m extremely tough on people that cheat but this one strikes me as different. There are risks of course, but there are also rewards. 
 

Not to be lost is that the OP is 34 years old, and dating is very tough on women in that demographic if they want marriage and kids. Her friends advised that she might have to settle for someone less attractive and that likely would be the case if she were to move on. Or perhaps she’d need to settle for someone 10 years older, but she would need to compromise. So the her current love, there’s no compromise, but there is a risk that he’ll not actually want to settle down and have a family and waste more years.

 

OP, I know I already said it, but freeze some eggs now. Think of it as a risk reduction strategy. 

Edited September 15, 2022 by Weezy1973

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

but there is a risk that he’ll not actually want to settle down and have a family and waste more years.

With his history and looks there's also the risk of him getting into another affair.  

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, ShelBT said:

He texted me against, claiming he’s breaking up with her tonight. Can he come see me once that’s done? I told him he doesn’t need to tell me what he’s going to do - just wait to contact me again after he’s done it. Yes of course I want to be free to be with him, to sleep with him, to call him mine again the second their relationship ship is officially over. 

I wonder what will happen when she has to figure out where she will go and where she’ll live. Until she’s actually officially out of his home I won’t really be able to completely be on board. 

Re first bolded, I am not liking the sound of that.  What I am sensing is that he REALLY wants to have sex with you, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it might be.  It could mean he's thinking with his little head instead of his big head and could tell you anything you needed to hear so you would agree to have him over (for sex obviously).  

He sounds a bit obsessed imo.

I mean why not say he's breaking up with her, she's moving out after which YOU can visit him at HIS place?  Not him telling you he broke up with her and then heading over to yours, again sounds iffy to me.

Second bolded, well I am glad you are thinking clearly @ShelBTbecause frankly I don't think he is.  He sounds a bit fantasy-driven and right now you're his fantasy.

Once you become reality again, it's a whole different story.

I could be wrong and hope I am, but that's the sense I am getting now based on the first bolded.

YES, wait until it's definitely confirmed he ended it and she has moved OUT before deciding on anything.

Edited September 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

I personally would not see him until she has actually moved out. 

[ShelBT]

30 minutes ago, stillafool said:

With his history and looks there's also the risk of him getting into another affair.  

With his history? What history? I really don’t think he was cheating on me. He cheated on his current girlfriend with me. Yes, that makes me see it differently and I know on one hand I shouldn’t but I don’t know it just feels different because it’s me he did it with. Me, his girlfriend of almost a decade. Me, the person he lived with for 7 years. Me, the person he claims is the only woman he’s ever really loved. 
 

I wouldn’t say we’re having an affair. Cheated yes. I played a part in him cheating and it was wrong for me to sleep with him. It’s only happened 1 time and hasn’t been an ongoing thing. If we were carrying on an ongoing romantic and/or sexual relationship behind her back then it’s be an affair. 

[ShelBT]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I personally would not see him until she has actually moved out. 

This is what I will *try* to do but I don’t know if I’ll succeed.

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, ShelBT said:

With his history? What history? I really don’t think he was cheating on me. He cheated on his current girlfriend with me. Yes, that makes me see it differently and I know on one hand I shouldn’t but I don’t know it just feels different because it’s me he did it with. Me, his girlfriend of almost a decade. Me, the person he lived with for 7 years. Me, the person he claims is the only woman he’s ever really loved. 
 

I wouldn’t say we’re having an affair. Cheated yes. I played a part in him cheating and it was wrong for me to sleep with him. It’s only happened 1 time and hasn’t been an ongoing thing. If we were carrying on an ongoing romantic and/or sexual relationship behind her back then it’s be an affair. 

Did you ask him if this girl meant so little to him why did he move her into his house rather than just dating her along with others if he was still pinning for you?  And yes, this is his history.

[ShelBT]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I agree with this. In most cases I’m extremely tough on people that cheat but this one strikes me as different. There are risks of course, but there are also rewards. 
 

Not to be lost is that the OP is 34 years old, and dating is very tough on women in that demographic if they want marriage and kids. Her friends advised that she might have to settle for someone less attractive and that likely would be the case if she were to move on. Or perhaps she’d need to settle for someone 10 years older, but she would need to compromise. So the her current love, there’s no compromise, but there is a risk that he’ll not actually want to settle down and have a family and waste more years.

 

OP, I know I already said it, but freeze some eggs now. Think of it as a risk reduction strategy. 

I have a 40 something year old man who is very interested in me. Granted, he’s ok on the physical attractiveness scale, makes very good money, is active, shares some interests with me, makes me laugh. He told me he may be willing to get married again and may be willing to have a child but he already has children from his previous marriage who he has shared custody of and they’ll be teenagers by the time I’d have a baby of my own. He’s a good guy, really great actually. He did want more with me and I know for somebody he’ll be a catch but not for me. My friends think I’m crazy for it pursuing him more. They think I won’t find better than him, somebody who would give me just about anything including marrying and having another child even though he said he was done with both of those things before.

Then there’s my ex. Attractiveness-wise, both looks and personality, he’s like a 10/10 for me. Well, for a lot of other girls too. It doesn’t surprise me that he is dating a pretty young woman because I know of several college aged girls that have crushes on him (or had, when we were together). Older women too. Yes, even my grandma thinks he really attractive. Attractiveness isn’t the most important thing but having had the intense, long lasting attraction to him like I do makes me feel like I’m really missing that with every other man I’ve met or dated. It’s like intense chemistry with my ex and I don’t really know if I can settle for less than that now that I’ve experienced it, no matter how great another guy might be. It’s about more than what he looks like physically, just his personality, his voice, his smell, everything about him just totally drives me crazy.I don’t want to spend my life with a man who can’t make me instantly horny with just 1 look or 1 word. My ex just does that for me. That might sound shallow or wrong but I need that sexual connection and attraction. It’s not the only thing I care about, I just notice that nobody else does it for me like that no matter how nice they are, how successful, how physically attractive. 
 

 

[ShelBT]

I think he had no plans of getting rid of her any time soon if I wasn’t on board to be with him now. That’s what I tell myself anyway. He didn’t break up with her before seeking me out because he obviously enjoys being with her well enough and it’s not worth getting rid of her if he doesn’t have something else that he hopefully wants more lined up. Normally this would irritate me but I can see myself doing the same thing in all honesty. 
 

I think if what he says is true, he does still love me and he has been thinking about me and missing me lately but he wasn’t about to dump her just because he missed me. First he had to reconnect with me to see if I felt the same. If I didn’t reciprocate I think he’d just continue on in his relationship with her indefinitely, until who knows when.

[Lisa]

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