Suspect Fiance is Cheating.

[LivelyMellow]

Hello All, 

I need some unsolicited advice from complete strangers who do not know me personally, only because I hate to talk poorly about my relationship in front of my friends and family. A quick backstory, I am currently engaged, I've been engaged for a year. We've been together in a relationship for a total of 4. years.  But, we have known each other as friends for several years prior to getting into a relationship. We were suppose to get married a few months after he proposed, but we called it off due to COVID concerns. Here we are a year later in our engagement, we have a 3 year old son together and things were going relatively okay. There were areas of concern such as him spending more time with me and the baby, but his work consumes him a lot of the times, and most recently he has been working on it. There has never been concern of infidelity, but there has been times of breech in trust where he did compliment women in my opinion distastefully and he immediately stopped once I brought it up. 

Fast forward to present day, I got off a work at 6:30  today and he told me he had to run out for work and he would see me later. This happens sometimes because he's self employed and makes his own schedule.. I was snuggling with my son when he left and my son requested his dad's iPAD. I open his iPad and a message pop up from a girl saying she would see him at 7:00. I know for a fact it is not his client. He mentioned this girl in the past as one of his former classmate who he recently reconnected with him on Facebook, but he was so open about the situation and he mentioned she recently last her mother. He was very open about the state of their friendship. 

 

Anyway, when I open the text message from his former classmate, she gave my fiancé her address. This is instantly a red flag. I have male friends and I would never met up with them alone at their house and NOT tell my fiancé about it. It shows a sign of complete disrespect. On top of this, since my fiancé phone is connected to his iPad, when he text her he arrived, he put himself in do not disturb mode on his phone. 

I am at a point where I am like even if he is not cheating, I am done. Because why lie about your whereabouts....I can't trust you. Perhaps I am being overly critical about this. But I have very little tolerance for games even if we have a 3 year old. At this point, I don't know how to approach this. A part of me is completely done with the relationship and I am already strategically coming up with a plan to leave by next year. Another very small part of me is like....get more information before jumping. I dont know.....😤

 

What do ya'll think? 

[basil67]

You're in a very difficult situation.   If it was just the two of you, I'd support you leaving without trying to address the issue.   However, you have an innocent child and you're considering jettisoning their dad without even trying to talk things through.   I would urge you to tell him what you found and talk about it before making any firm decisions.

Do you love your partner?

 

[LivelyMellow]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're in a very difficult situation.   If it was just the two of you, I'd support you leaving without trying to address the issue.   However, you have an innocent child and you're considering jettisoning their dad without even trying to talk things through.   I would urge you to tell him what you found and talk about it before making any firm decisions.

Do you love your partner?

 

Thank you for your response. I really don't see how this can be justified. It's either he didnt tell me because he was cheating or he didn't tell me because he doesn't trust me. I have never gave him a reason to not trust me. I am a very open and welcoming person until I feel like I cant trust someone. I do love my fiancé, but it takes more than love to make a relationship and a family. I can't be in a relationship and have my son think that this is the idol of a husband because that is not correct.  I just feel like in my heart its dead in the water either way. 

[basil67]

I believe that when we have a family we need to reach further for truth, resolution and forgiveness.  But if you are unwilling to even contemplate forgiveness and holding your family together, then yes, leave.   But make no mistake, even if you leave your partner, good parenting dictates that you will still have to support your son's view of his dad being an awesome guy. 

I have to ask though, if your mind is already made up to leave, why did you post here?   Was it to receive support, or was it to try and see other perspectives? 

[BrinnM]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I believe that when we have a family we need to reach further for truth,

Sure. But what is he doing at a former classmate’s house, while telling his fiancée who’s currently taking care of his child, that he’s at work? He’s not exactly reaching for the truth here, either, right? Unless the girl is indeed a client…..

@LivelyMellow - are you sure that the female former classmate is not a client? Does he usually set his phone to do not disturb when he’s at work/with a client? 

[LivelyMellow]

44 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I believe that when we have a family we need to reach further for truth, resolution and forgiveness.  But if you are unwilling to even contemplate forgiveness and holding your family together, then yes, leave.   But make no mistake, even if you leave your partner, good parenting dictates that you will still have to support your son's view of his dad being an awesome guy. 

I have to ask though, if your mind is already made up to leave, why did you post here?   Was it to receive support, or was it to try and see other perspectives? 

An awesome guy and an reputable husband is two totally different things. I dont want my son to get confused on that. I really came here to see other perspectives. But something about putting what happen down and reading it back. It looks bad...real bad. I can't see how he can even explain himself out of this. 

19 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Sure. But what is he doing at a former classmate’s house, while telling his fiancée who’s currently taking care of his child, that he’s at work? He’s not exactly reaching for the truth here, either, right? Unless the girl is indeed a client…..

@LivelyMellow - are you sure that the female former classmate is not a client? Does he usually set his phone to do not disturb when he’s at work/with a client? 

I am 100% certain that she is not a client. He has an office space, he meets all his clients at the office. Since he has been in business he has never visit a female client home. The hard part of this all is I can't just get up and go. I work from home and my new job prohibits me from  moving until I am done with training (unless its an emergency). I have to wait a few months to get my to go plan ready until then I am faking happy. I forgot to add, yes he does set his phone on do not disturb when he is with a client, but she's definitely not a client of his. 

Edited September 13, 2022 by LivelyMellow

[BrinnM]

12 minutes ago, LivelyMellow said:

until then I am faking happy

That’s not necessary, IMO. Pain has been inflicted on you, and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t voice that. He’s been your partner, he’s the father of your child. If you’re certain that he’s been dishonest, you can easily confront him, and make an exit plan together. Maybe he’s got some valid explanations, too, who knows. 

[LivelyMellow]

14 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

That’s not necessary, IMO. Pain has been inflicted on you, and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t voice that. He’s been your partner, he’s the father of your child. If you’re certain that he’s been dishonest, you can easily confront him, and make an exit plan together. Maybe he’s got some valid explanations, too, who knows. 

I honestly don't want to bring it up in the near future to reduce the chances of any petty behavior. I have seen him be petty and I don't want that to mix things up with my schedule with work and the baby's schedule. It's just really bad timing...everything. Ugh

[basil67]

57 minutes ago, LivelyMellow said:

An awesome guy and an reputable husband is two totally different things. I dont want my son to get confused on that. I really came here to see other perspectives. But something about putting what happen down and reading it back. It looks bad...real bad. I can't see how he can even explain himself out of this. 

He probably can't explain himself out of it.  When I speak of truth and resolving the issue, I'm speaking more of the difficult conversations which need to be had. You'll certainly want to see him owning up to what's going on and discussing the way forward together.

With your son, I believe he should be protected from learning that you see his father as not being a "reputable husband".   When maintaining a functional co-parenting situation, it's important to make sure that one's child is never put in a position of seeing one parent as right and one as wrong or feeling like they need to take sides.  This separation should be done as neutrally as possible and all he needs to know is that there were differences which could not be resolved.

 

Edited September 13, 2022 by basil67

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, LivelyMellow said:

Anyway, when I open the text message from his former classmate, she gave my fiancé her address.

Aww, my heart goes out to you. It is highly unlikely that they are playing chess or discussing a book together. But could she be a new client, the one that you don't know about?

2 hours ago, LivelyMellow said:

nt. He mentioned this girl in the past as one of his former classmate who he recently reconnected with him on Facebook

Did he provide any reasoning why he decided to reconnect with her? Do you know if he is the one who seeked her out or did she contact him first?

25 minutes ago, LivelyMellow said:

I honestly don't want to bring it up in the near future to reduce the chances of any petty behavior. I have seen him be petty and I don't want that to mix things up with my schedule with work and the baby's schedule. It's just really bad timing...everything. Ugh

A tough situation. At least, go get yourself checked for the STD's and use protection with him if you don't plan on leaving right away. Consult a an attorney about your rights and a child support without letting him know. You are going to have to discuss this with him sooner or later and set up some sort of a child care.

 

2 hours ago, LivelyMellow said:

but we called it off due to COVID concerns.

Who came up with the idea to postpone the wedding? Who asked who? By we, do you mean both of you or him telling you that he wants to move it to some indefinite date (and you agreeing). The reason that I am asking that is that, sure, it made sense not to get married due to Covid but was it his way to weasel out of a marriage? What do you think? If he approached and suggested it to you, do you think that he used Covid as an excuse? Covid or no Covid, is there a reason why two people cannot file a marriage license at some local registry? You can always get a huge celebration going at a later date.

[S2B]

My hope is that you find info that helps you understand d the truth. 
and also that you are earning enough money to support yourself and your child - so you aren’t at the mercy of any man.

tell him what you know. If you have doubts about him being faithful and that’s a dealbreaker - can you move with family temporarily? As far as the new job - this is an emergency - have the home base moved to the new location. 

[LivelyMellow]

2 hours ago, Alvi said:

Aww, my heart goes out to you. It is highly unlikely that they are playing chess or discussing a book together. But could she be a new client, the one that you don't know about?

2 hours ago, Alvi said:

Did he provide any reasoning why he decided to reconnect with her? Do you know if he is the one who seeked her out or did she contact him first?

A tough situation. At least, go get yourself checked for the STD's and use protection with him if you don't plan on leaving right away. Consult a an attorney about your rights and a child support without letting him know. You are going to have to discuss this with him sooner or later and set up some sort of a child care.

 

Who came up with the idea to postpone the wedding? Who asked who? By we, do you mean both of you or him telling you that he wants to move it to some indefinite date (and you agreeing). The reason that I am asking that is that, sure, it made sense not to get married due to Covid but was it his way to weasel out of a marriage? What do you think? If he approached and suggested it to you, do you think that he used Covid as an excuse? Covid or no Covid, is there a reason why two people cannot file a marriage license at some local registry? You can always get a huge celebration going at a later date.

I’m actually the one that postpone the wedding. He is okay with going to the court but I keep putting it off because I want a rather normal celebration but Covid isn’t going anywhere so I just have to adapt to the new normal. His former classmate reached out to him first. My fiancé is typically an oversharer so he shared the message with me and was telling me about their conversation whenever they interacted which is his norm. He tells me

everything so for him to not share this info about him going to her house was a red flag. 
 

Update: 

My fiancé and I spoke about the whole situation. It was actually him that brought it up surprisingly. As soon as he came home, he said he wanted to talk to me. He said he lied about where he was going because he didn’t want it to be perceived as something wrong going to a female house even if it was for networking. His former classmate was actually hosting a networking party at her home. A few of his normal clients were there. He apologize for not  being honest. He gave me the address of the girl and showed me Pictures of the networking party where I saw a few clients I knew and I noticed on his clients social media feed that my fiancé was tagged and posted on a video talking to his clients. 

I still question him as to why he didn’t trust me with the info and he thought his oversharing was overbearing and wanted to go through the networking party first and share the details later.

I guess in this situation communication was lost, I’m glad that we had the opportunity to talk because keeping this in wouldn’t have been good for either one of us

 

[S2B]

I’m glad you got info you needed. I hope you encouraged him to be honest with you before the event - instead of after.

it could have saved you from worrying. 
 

I still encourage you to become self supporting. You need to be able to have choices in life - to not feel stuck if you’re unhappy.

[LivelyMellow]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

My hope is that you find info that helps you understand d the truth. 
and also that you are earning enough money to support yourself and your child - so you aren’t at the mercy of any man.

tell him what you know. If you have doubts about him being faithful and that’s a dealbreaker - can you move with family temporarily? As far as the new job - this is an emergency - have the home base moved to the new location. 

Thanks! I just posted an update we had a really good conversation regarding what happen . I actually got a job so I didn’t have to depend on him financially. I was a stay at home mom for a while, so this entrance back  into the workforce is going to be beneficial for my independence. I think it’s important for

every party in the relationship to have their own money.  As far as moving, it looks like we are going to be fine. Communication was lost in this moment it appears and I think after seeing what I saw I instantly just went into all 7 stages of grief in 5 mins trying to make life altering decisions for myself and my baby.

[LivelyMellow]

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

I’m glad you got info you needed. I hope you encouraged him to be honest with you before the event - instead of after.

it could have saved you from worrying. 
 

I still encourage you to become self supporting. You need to be able to have choices in life - to not feel stuck if you’re unhappy.

Thank you so much! I completely agree with this statement 100%. 

[FMW]

32 minutes ago, LivelyMellow said:

I think after seeing what I saw I instantly just went into all 7 stages of grief in 5 mins trying to make life altering decisions for myself and my baby.

I think you should give some thought to why you did that.  When I do something similar it's usually because I was already feeling insecure or suspicious. You noted that you feel his being consumed by his work makes him unavailable to you and your child more often than it should.  Open communication and quality time together are important to maintain a secure connection for most people. If that's the case for you, make sure he understands that. 

[Will am I]

Visiting a female friend while telling your partner you're out on business... that has all the red flags. And I would have totally understood a decision to break the relationship if this is how he treats you.

 

But then this happened:

1 hour ago, LivelyMellow said:

My fiancé and I spoke about the whole situation. It was actually him that brought it up surprisingly. As soon as he came home, he said he wanted to talk to me. He said he lied about where he was going because he didn’t want it to be perceived as something wrong going to a female house even if it was for networking. His former classmate was actually hosting a networking party at her home.

In my humble opinion, this would be a good reason to reconsider what I wrote above. I think he deserves credit for coming clean without waiting on you to call him out. Apparently he has a conscience and it drove him to be honest with you.

I recommend you do follow up. This is a very special opportunity to challenge your relationship patterns and change them for the better. Explain how he damaged your sense of safety in the relationship. Tell him that it's okay to spend time with women, as long as he's not being secretive about it. How scary and painful it is when he is being secretive. Encourage him to open up. Your chance to mold him into the communication style that you want from him.

[ExpatInItaly]

I see you got an update, OP. 

Even so, I would ask yourself about the state of your relationship even prior to this. I question why he wanted to hide a pretty reasonable networking event from you. Yes, it was at a woman's house but it sounds innocent. The fact that he lied by omission until after the fact  still sounds off to me. Has he previously been sneaky with his whereabouts? 

You also say he hadn't been spending much time with you and your son. There seems to be a bigger disconnect here that needs addressing. Perhaps this episode is bringing to light some underlying problems that haven't been properly resolved. 

[stillafool]

I question the state of your relationship because you did not want to discuss with him what you discovered on his Ipad for fear he'd act petty.  So instead you'd rather secretly plan to move out.  Anyway, I'm glad things worked out the way you wanted them to.

[Will am I]

That's actually an important concern you raise there @stillafool. I must have read over that in the last sentence op OP.

@LivelyMelloware you safe? Your strategic planning, was that like a secret plan, hidden from your partner for fear of how he would respond? If that were the case, please reach out here on the forum and let people find you help in your area.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, LivelyMellow said:

A part of me is completely done with the relationship and I am already strategically coming up with a plan to leave by next year. Another very small part of me is like.

Sorry this is happening. You have a child together so it's not easy. Although he covered his tracks, he did lie initially. Unfortunately your relationship does not seem very solid.

[mark clemson]

It's nice this worked out ok.

I think in the future he should just explain what he's doing beforehand. This sounds (mildly) dysfunctional in the sense that he should have just told you he was going to a networking party. It seems that there would be little reason to keep this a secret and indeed I'm wondering why he felt the need to. If he feared an "interrogation" beforehand, well - he gave you all this proof of where he was, that it was legit, etc. Why did he even see the need to show you all this proof? Can't he just say "I'm going to a networking event, it's at this person's house. You can come if you really want to." Etc...

I don't think it's particularly unusual for someone who is considering whether they should leave a relationship to keep it a secret from their partner while they decide and/or plan. Particularly if it's not clear to them yet whether they really want to leave as was your case. It's not the most honest or ethical thing to do, but there can be also sorts of reasons for this. Whether those reasons are seen as "valid" or not I suppose is a matter of opinion.

[LivelyMellow]

8 hours ago, FMW said:

I think you should give some thought to why you did that.  When I do something similar it's usually because I was already feeling insecure or suspicious. You noted that you feel his being consumed by his work makes him unavailable to you and your child more often than it should.  Open communication and quality time together are important to maintain a secure connection for most people. If that's the case for you, make sure he understands that. 

Absolutely I was feeling super insecure and suspicious especially since we are still struggling with other issues of spending that quality time together like mentioned prior to him expanding his business. It has improved but it is still not at the point of where I would like and I mentioned that to him. I appreciate everyone's supporting response and opinion. This really does allow me to see things from a different perspective other than my own. Thank you all! 

8 hours ago, Will am I said:

Visiting a female friend while telling your partner you're out on business... that has all the red flags. And I would have totally understood a decision to break the relationship if this is how he treats you.

 

But then this happened:

In my humble opinion, this would be a good reason to reconsider what I wrote above. I think he deserves credit for coming clean without waiting on you to call him out. Apparently he has a conscience and it drove him to be honest with you.

I recommend you do follow up. This is a very special opportunity to challenge your relationship patterns and change them for the better. Explain how he damaged your sense of safety in the relationship. Tell him that it's okay to spend time with women, as long as he's not being secretive about it. How scary and painful it is when he is being secretive. Encourage him to open up. Your chance to mold him into the communication style that you want from him.

Yes, that is exactly where I am coming from. I am in no means not supportive of having women friends. I have male friends and I explained how his actions can be perceived as something malicious when it may clearly be innocent. 

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I see you got an update, OP. 

Even so, I would ask yourself about the state of your relationship even prior to this. I question why he wanted to hide a pretty reasonable networking event from you. Yes, it was at a woman's house but it sounds innocent. The fact that he lied by omission until after the fact  still sounds off to me. Has he previously been sneaky with his whereabouts? 

You also say he hadn't been spending much time with you and your son. There seems to be a bigger disconnect here that needs addressing. Perhaps this episode is bringing to light some underlying problems that haven't been properly resolved. 

Honestly, he has never been sneaky about where he is at all. He is a very open book type of person. We are still working through some communication problems obviously...

 

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

That's actually an important concern you raise there @stillafool. I must have read over that in the last sentence op OP.

@LivelyMelloware you safe? Your strategic planning, was that like a secret plan, hidden from your partner for fear of how he would respond? If that were the case, please reach out here on the forum and let people find you help in your area.

 

I guess this is  two fold question from both users. I really felt in the moment it was the absolute worst case scenario and wanted to just run. My fight or flight sense leaned toward flight because in the past yes he has done some petty behavior, which is in no reflection of anything he has done recently. Sometimes past mistakes or occurrences still affect how we feel, and I mentioned that to him as well as a follow up conversation of open communication . But, I am completely safe. Thank you for checking in. 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You have a child together so it's not easy. Although he covered his tracks, he did lie initially. Unfortunately your relationship does not seem very solid.

I wouldn't describe our relationship "solid" right now. Even if he didnt lie about his whereabouts, so thats not something I am not aware of....I mentioned there are areas of improved growth such as spending more time with the family for one. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, LivelyMellow said:

We are still working through some communication problems obviously...

What sort of communication problems have you had before?

[LivelyMellow]

19 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It's nice this worked out ok.

I think in the future he should just explain what he's doing beforehand. This sounds (mildly) dysfunctional in the sense that he should have just told you he was going to a networking party. It seems that there would be little reason to keep this a secret and indeed I'm wondering why he felt the need to. If he feared an "interrogation" beforehand, well - he gave you all this proof of where he was, that it was legit, etc. Why did he even see the need to show you all this proof? Can't he just say "I'm going to a networking event, it's at this person's house. You can come if you really want to." Etc...

I don't think it's particularly unusual for someone who is considering whether they should leave a relationship to keep it a secret from their partner while they decide and/or plan. Particularly if it's not clear to them yet whether they really want to leave as was your case. It's not the most honest or ethical thing to do, but there can be also sorts of reasons for this. Whether those reasons are seen as "valid" or not I suppose is a matter of opinion.

I am sorry. I meant to put all the quotes in one reply, but it appears I missed yours...sorry, still trying to get use to this. But, he is a very open person.He is the type of partner that would overshare, that is just his nature to be very open. He has been like this in our friendship and has expand more now that we are in a committed relationship. Literally he would do this as friends show me everything and then it just blossomed. For him, he didnt want me to perceive him speaking to a female as something of concern because I think I mentioned. in the past he was flirty with women a few years ago in text like overly complimentary. But, he stopped when I addressed it, so that prior behavior was in the back of his head and didnt want to disclose talking to anyone of an opposite sex because his clients are 99% male.