My boyfriend parents are against us

[NuevoYorko]

Surely over the past 5 years it must have occurred to you that your relationship was not progressing.  

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, Ann1297 said:

I thought he will going to full fill his promise. He told me he is serious but now slowly slowly i am getting to know. That he has been feeded by his mother. Day after knowing his parents won’t allow us to be together. He has changed. I think everyone of you are right. He will not do anything and gonna waste my time.

Were you actually with him when his mother told him he's not allowed to marry you?  I had a friend who dated and had sex with a guy whose culture demanded he marry a virgin.  He kept promising my friend he would marry her but guest what?  When the time came for him to marry he dropped my friend blaming it on his parents and chose a virgin from his culture to be his wife.

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, Ann1297 said:

He sweat and started crying that are you going? Are you leaving me?

Well, yes. His parents don’t approve and he’s not standing up for you or himself. So, what other choice do you have other than to end the relationship. 

He will undoubtedly land on his feet - he will find another woman, marry with his parent’s blessing, have children and raise a family. Unfortunately, some cultures are not as forgiving to women. You need to be sure that you put your own future first - you are the only person who can do that, he certainly isn’t. 

Edited September 14, 2022 by BaileyB

[Noproblem]

Don't tell anyone you slept with that guy.

your only chance is marrying someone with open mind.

Or leaving your country and again marrying someone who is from not a conservative culture. and please when you have girls and guys, don't raise them the same way you did. 

this shall pass. It will be fine, don't tell anyone. Don't trust anyone. 

 

 

but this guy, you leave him, block him and hope this loser won't spread lies about you.

[justwhoiam]

I have some questions to ask.

1. When did you start to get physically intimate with him in this relationship that started when you were (both?) 15?

2. As you live with your parents, where did you get physically intimate with him?

3. How were you able to go out with him alone behind your and his parents' back? Did that involve constant lying? And with that I mean both of you had to lie to your respective parents?

4. Why did you develop romantic feelings for an online friend while you had a boyfriend of 4 years whom you're expecting will marry you?

5. What's your family's black mark? Because it looks like they don't have a good reputation.

 

Now, after asking my questions, I would like to sum up your scenario:

His parents happened to know about you. This makes me think it was accidental and not because he wanted to introduce you to them. Maybe someone saw you two together. Maybe what they heard about you together with your family's bad reputation made them think he shouldn't consider a relationship with you. If they hope he marries an upstanding woman, you can't blame them. They surely want the best for him. If you were able to prove your value, they might change their mind. And to assess your value they wouldn't consider your career only, as families would also consider how well you abide by the rules.

See, the moral rules in place in your society are supposed to be there to protect you, so that you don't find yourself in the situation you are now. But it looks like you rejected those rules.

"So now what?" you ask us. Well, the relationship with this young guy might be compromised. Therefore, if you want a serious relationship leading to marriage and you want your future husband to come from your kind of community, your best option would be to meet possible partners in a traditional way, not over the internet and not behind your family's back.

If you feel you don't belong to that kind of system and want to be free to choose in a more Western way, then you need to be brave and know that you might be alone in all that. You'd need to be ready to fight for it. Some people won't choose this path not to put their own family in a bad situation.

My best advice? First - as others suggested - you need to drop him. You want a man to stand up for you, and he doesn't seem to be that man. If he has doubts about you or your value (and he might have grounds for that), the relationship is pretty doomed. Secondly, don't rush into anything after this relationship. Think carefully about what you want for your future and how you want to get there.

 

[Ann1297]

47 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

I have some questions to ask.

1. When did you start to get physically intimate with him in this relationship that started when you were (both?) 15?

2. As you live with your parents, where did you get physically intimate with him?

3. How were you able to go out with him alone behind your and his parents' back? Did that involve constant lying? And with that I mean both of you had to lie to your respective parents?

4. Why did you develop romantic feelings for an online friend while you had a boyfriend of 4 years whom you're expecting will marry you?

5. What's your family's black mark? Because it looks like they don't have a good reputation.

 

Now, after asking my questions, I would like to sum up your scenario:

His parents happened to know about you. This makes me think it was accidental and not because he wanted to introduce you to them. Maybe someone saw you two together. Maybe what they heard about you together with your family's bad reputation made them think he shouldn't consider a relationship with you. If they hope he marries an upstanding woman, you can't blame them. They surely want the best for him. If you were able to prove your value, they might change their mind. And to assess your value they wouldn't consider your career only, as families would also consider how well you abide by the rules.

See, the moral rules in place in your society are supposed to be there to protect you, so that you don't find yourself in the situation you are now. But it looks like you rejected those rules.

"So now what?" you ask us. Well, the relationship with this young guy might be compromised. Therefore, if you want a serious relationship leading to marriage and you want your future husband to come from your kind of community, your best option would be to meet possible partners in a traditional way, not over the internet and not behind your family's back.

If you feel you don't belong to that kind of system and want to be free to choose in a more Western way, then you need to be brave and know that you might be alone in all that. You'd need to be ready to fight for it. Some people won't choose this path not to put their own family in a bad situation.

My best advice? First - as others suggested - you need to drop him. You want a man to stand up for you, and he doesn't seem to be that man. If he has doubts about you or your value (and he might have grounds for that), the relationship is pretty doomed. Secondly, don't rush into anything after this relationship. Think carefully about what you want for your future and how you want to get there.

 

1)when i was 21 we started our relationship I didn’t want to be with him at the initial stage because i already knew that we have some family problems. But he told me he is bold and gonna support me till end. 
2) I didn’t let him do sex for 4 years because i knew it was wrong but this year I thought if he is surviving this relationship for so long he will marry me so this year last month we had sex at the age of 25.

3) we both used to meet in my city without telling our parents . 
4) My Aunt ( my father’s sister is a family member of his mothers family) their bond isn’t that great due to which his mother think that if my aunt is like that i must be like that too.  
5) I didn’t have any romantic feeling with online friend he was just a good friend who supported me all the time. I used to share all my problems with him.

 

[Ann1297]

I have never ever been to relationship before. I didn’t want to be in this relationship too i know i did a mistake. Not gonna let him go that easily. I want to make life hell for him. So he couldn’t do that witj any other girl.

[Ann1297]

2 hours ago, Noproblem said:

Don't tell anyone you slept with that guy.

your only chance is marrying someone with open mind.

Or leaving your country and again marrying someone who is from not a conservative culture. and please when you have girls and guys, don't raise them the same way you did. 

this shall pass. It will be fine, don't tell anyone. Don't trust anyone. 

 

 

but this guy, you leave him, block him and hope this loser won't spread lies about you.

He only cares about his reputation and his parents reputation thats it. He will never spoil my name because it will spoil his name and his parents name. He thinks that i will gonna do that. I will going to blackmail him. 😅 he even said that to me that his mother told him that stay away from that girl she will going to blackmail you 😅 i never thought that her mother would be so wicked. But now that he has given me that idea i am thinking of doing that. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ann1297 said:

. Not gonna let him go that easily. I want to make life hell for him. 

Don't do this. It's as much your fault for dating someone who wouldn't introduce you to his family for 5 Years and it's as much your fault for having premarital sex in a culture where that's taboo. If you are going to be angry, be angry at yourself.

[stillafool]

I agree with Wiseman not to try to take revenge because I promise it will backfire on you and he will still go on to marry another girl with his reputation in tack.  Yours will be ruined.  It's both of your faults for not following the rules.  Just let him go.  You'll be okay.

[BaileyB]

Don’t take revenge. Let it go and learn the lesson here. In many cultures, there is nothing wrong with premarital sex. That’s not really the lesson here. You compromised your values for a man - don’t do that again. 

Edited September 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

If I may add, you don’t “win” or accomplish anything by seeking revenge. You will still be left with all the feelings of hurt and pain. But, you will add to that the embarrassment and humiliation of knowing that you sunk down to this level - You will prove his mother right, you are not worthy. I say, you win by taking the high road and keeping your dignity and self respect. 

[Ann1297]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree with Wiseman not to try to take revenge because I promise it will backfire on you and he will still go on to marry another girl with his reputation in tack.  Yours will be ruined.  It's both of your faults for not following the rules.  Just let him go.  You'll be okay.

I think you people are right. At the end i am the woman and he is a man. He will get a girl and a wife but i won’t. I did wrong. I don’t know why but he always supported me, been with me at my worst time, he took me out of the depression. I don’t know why and what happened to him. I wish he had or will do something in the future. Maybe he will realize my value one day.

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Ann1297 said:

Maybe he will realize my value one day.

It doesn't matter if he does or not.  He is not the last man on this earth and you too can marry and have a family, just not with him.

[justwhoiam]

14 hours ago, Ann1297 said:

1)when i was 21 we started our relationship I didn’t want to be with him at the initial stage because i already knew that we have some family problems. But he told me he is bold and gonna support me till end. 
2) I didn’t let him do sex for 4 years because i knew it was wrong but this year I thought if he is surviving this relationship for so long he will marry me so this year last month we had sex at the age of 25.

You wrote in your other thread: "We both are 20 years old."

So something doesn't add up here.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

You wrote in your other thread: "We both are 20 years old."

So something doesn't add up here.

I thought 25 was kind of old to be waiting on an arranged marriage.

[justwhoiam]

14 hours ago, Ann1297 said:

4) My Aunt ( my father’s sister is a family member of his mothers family) their bond isn’t that great due to which his mother think that if my aunt is like that i must be like that too.  

5) I didn’t have any romantic feeling with online friend he was just a good friend who supported me all the time. I used to share all my problems with him.

 

4. How is she a family member?

5. If you say so...

[justwhoiam]

15 hours ago, Ann1297 said:

I have never ever been to relationship before. I didn’t want to be in this relationship too i know i did a mistake. Not gonna let him go that easily. I want to make life hell for him. So he couldn’t do that witj any other girl.

If in four years neither of you had introduced the other to the respective families, what kind of wedding where you expecting? I think you knew the relationship was not progressing, and used your last card: sex. That's what it sounds. And now it looks like it was a big mistake, because you shared your intimacy with someone who didn't care much about you.

Edited September 15, 2022 by justwhoiam

[Noproblem]

This is not the end. 

You will also find love and marry someone, but you will probably have to marry someone outside of your culture or someoen with westernaized outlook in life, if you are very young, study hard to get abroad and study a semster outside or two, to meet someone from another culture.

This is not the end. 

There was nothing wrong with you have sex, you are not ruined, you are not tarnished, you are not dirty.

You were just so trusting and naive.

Never trust a guy from any culture that says women has to be virigin before marriage.. never ever trust any guy from such culture ever again.

when I say never trust a guy from such culture, I mean never trust them that they will marry you .. they don't marry their gf, they marry what their mom and dad choose for them...

 

 

 

 

Edited September 19, 2022 by Noproblem

[justwhoiam]

On 9/15/2022 at 10:44 PM, justwhoiam said:

4. How is she a family member?

5. If you say so...

4. So, are you cousins? That would help understanding your relationship... Is your aunt related by blood to your boyfriend's family?

[S2B]

On 9/13/2022 at 7:54 AM, Ann1297 said:

 His family doesn’t even know me. His mom haven’t met me yet they don’t know anything about me. They are judging me on the basis of my paternal side family. Those people have issue with his family. 

Never should you ever need to beg any man to be with you. 
you haven’t met his family after 5 years! That shows he has no intention of a long term plan with you.

his family has made conclusions based on your family without meeting you - this is all biased info - and not what I would want for myself. Think seriously about ending it FOR yourself! They’ve judged you TOO much without even meeting you!

 

[Els]

Leave and focus on your career. Given the things you have described about your culture, telling anyone anything will just make things harder for you. His parents will be even more against you because you had extramarital sex (obviously, they will also adhere to the double standard of that being "OK" for their son but not for his future wife). And your parents, as you said, would be incensed.

So let it go. Just don't tell anyone now. Honestly, you don't even have to tell anyone ever. The whole "they can tell you are a virgin" myth is exactly what it is - a myth. Unless you have gotten pregnant, there is no way for anyone to tell whether you have had sex before or not. Be a "virgin" again if that's what helps you survive. I generally don't condone dishonesty, but if you're in a situation where women are treated like chattel, I wouldn't blame you at all for doing what you need to do to survive.