craftygirl Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, until December we were engaged but I called it off due to an incident were he behaved very inappropriately (not cheating related) I have agreed to let him try and show me he's not this person and that he can behave better and treat me with more thought and consideration. I also moved out of our joint home due to the incident in December. However we went to a festival mid July and he started behaving disrespectfully again, I stated I wanted to stay at gig for another hour or so he point blank refused, got rude and left me there all alone, drunk and I had no way of getting home the walk was a 5 mile walk down country lines whilst drunk and no taxi available. I messaged him to pick me up 2 hours later and explained I was getting hit on by other men. He sent a lot of verbal abuse to me and said he was done. I then got talking to someone a man and I explained my situation and we chatted until early hours of the morning before kissing and having the most amazing sex (this is completely out of character for me) we slept in his tent....well no sleeping involved and he dropped me in his car to my car the next morning. Problem is I've continued to see the man from the festival for the last 8 weeks we gey on really well and things are going brilliantly however I'm also still seeing my ex and letting him prove to me he's changed. I'm sleeping with both men but using protection etc again the problem is I still love my ex alot and I feel like I'm keeping the other guy around until the ex messes up again and I can get more involved with man from festival. I have always been 100% faithful until now, none of them know I'm seeing the other. Your thoughts please ! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 11 minutes ago, craftygirl said: . I'm sleeping with both men. I still love my ex alot and I feel like I'm keeping the other guy around until the ex messes up again and I can get more involved with man from festival. Unfortunately this seems like an unsuccessful strategy. You made the right decision moving out. That was the end of the relationship. Perhaps make a clean break from the ex so you're free to do whatever you wish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 Drop the ex. You two don't work as a couple, and you're hanging to something that died a while ago. Beware that Festival Guy is your rebound. You're having fun, yes, but it's under rather false pretenses and you're obviousy not over your ex. These types of flings don't usually last. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't finally cut the cord with your ex. It's clear that isn't working and it's not going to. Make yourself totally single (from your ex) or this will blow up in your face. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 You are your ex are going to end up breaking up anyway because your relationship is toxic. Date the festival guy but don't get in a relationship because you're not over your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 (edited) I agree with stillafool. It sounds like you no longer respect your ex (whatever he did). It's okay to date the festival man, but wait to enter into a relationship until you're over your ex. This means ending your relationship with your ex. Hope it works out! Edited September 13, 2022 by Alpacalia 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted September 13, 2022 Share Posted September 13, 2022 3 hours ago, craftygirl said: However we went to a festival mid July and he started behaving disrespectfully again, I stated I wanted to stay at gig for another hour or so he point blank refused, got rude and left me there all alone, drunk and I had no way of getting home the walk was a 5 mile walk down country lines whilst drunk and no taxi available. 3 hours ago, craftygirl said: Your thoughts please ! My thought: you already know very well what to do. But it's a tough pill to swallow and you'd like some affirmation while making that choice. Your (ex-?) BF is clearly not the man who will respect and love you and make you happy. Even at times where he's behaving well, there will always be some fear of when he will derail again. So you should probably get out of that relationship. Festival man: he sounds all lovely, but there is another side to him. He was having sex with a woman whom he had just met, who hadn't yet ended her relationship and who had too much to drink the evening leading up to the kissing and sex. Gentle person? Probably. Gentlemen? Nah. I think you need to press your mental "reset button", consider what you want, end things that need ending and only then start new things. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) I would be interested to know what it was that your Ex did that was disrespectful. I also wonder if while at the festival if you weren't a bit more drunk and uncooperative that what it sounds in your lead in to the meeting up and sleeping with the Festival Guy. It to some extent sounds like justifying the sleeping with the FG. I may be entirely wrong but you say you were drunk, EX wanted to leave, you refused and he left. You had the opportunity to leave "safely" with him. This sounds a bit like you were acting out, maybe from being drunk. I agree with the others but maybe on different fronts. You stated that you were waiting on him to prove himself to you....without knowing what you consider his first infraction to be, it is difficult to know which if not both parties were being a bit impossible in the moment. You also say that you still love your Ex all while your sleeping with the FG behind each of their backs. That doesn't sound too much like love for your Ex or respect for the FG's feelings either. I would suggest as the others have that you break up with the Ex and even the FG and figure out just "who you want to be" going forward. Someone who gives what she is looking to receive or someone who will sleep with a random when she is mad at the one she says she loves. Edited September 19, 2022 by kgcolonel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 Dump your ex for good and really enjoy yourself with new guy. I say it was meant to be with new guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Despin Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 My vote is for festival dude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 (edited) On 9/13/2022 at 3:40 AM, craftygirl said: the problem is I still love my ex alot and I feel like I'm keeping the other guy around until the ex messes up again and I can get more involved with man from festival. That sounds like an accurate assessment. Consider whether you'd benefit (in the long term) from ensuring that you feel "okay" being on your own when warranted, rather than "clinging to a new person" as soon as you lose the old one aka "rebounding" (if that is what you're doing). Leaving you to walk 5 miles home from a festival wasn't cool. Then again look what happened. It does sound like your current relationship (main/former BF, not festival) has perhaps run its course. Edited September 19, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 19, 2022 Share Posted September 19, 2022 Best to end one R before starting another. I would let abusive guy know it’s over. hopefully you don’t own that house with him. see if it works with festival dude. can you support yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 24, 2022 Share Posted September 24, 2022 (edited) On 9/13/2022 at 5:40 AM, craftygirl said: Problem is I've continued to see the man from the festival for the last 8 weeks we gey on really well and things are going brilliantly however I'm also still seeing my ex and letting him prove to me he's changed. You need to end it with your ex. If he is verbally abusive and he has done something so bad as to prompt you to move out and end your engagement, this relationship is over. You are just prolonging the inevitable by “letting him prove to you that he’s changed.” Give him the decency of ending the relationship. On 9/13/2022 at 5:40 AM, craftygirl said: I'm sleeping with both men but using protection etc You need to stop doing this. It’s time to pick one man and let the other go graciously. Edited September 24, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 24, 2022 Share Posted September 24, 2022 Why do you stay with your ex fiancé when you know you don’t want to marry him? does he pay for any of your expenses, currently? Link to post Share on other sites
Author craftygirl Posted October 10, 2022 Author Share Posted October 10, 2022 Simple answer love! And he's autistic I've spent the relationship working alongside trying to support him lead a life he understands and a life he can cope with. No I'm not financially attached to him at all, I have a career, my own home and vehicle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted October 10, 2022 Share Posted October 10, 2022 Your answer reflects you must be an awfully sweet person. But are you taking proper care of yourself? An engagement is only meant to go one way and that is into a marriage. If it doesn't, it's time to leave. Grief over the lost relationship and lost perspective, find healing, carefully get back into dating, find your next viable partner and see if you can establish a life partnership with him. What you are doing is lingering. You know there's no future, yet you stay one day at the time. This road leads to a terrible outcome in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 10, 2022 Share Posted October 10, 2022 2 hours ago, craftygirl said: Simple answer love! And he's autistic I've spent the relationship working alongside trying to support him lead a life he understands and a life he can cope with. No I'm not financially attached to him at all, I have a career, my own home and vehicle. Let him go. I’m curious how you’d define love in your relationship now that the circumstances have changed and you’re sleeping with someone else without your partner’s knowledge. Is that something you would be ok with if the tables were turned? What was the incident about that caused you to move out? Did you fear for your safety or was it to punish him? It’s not very clear what your reasons are for leaving when you already have one foot firmly out the door with another man. Do you see your actions as futile? Where do you see any of this leading? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 10, 2022 Share Posted October 10, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, craftygirl said: Simple answer love! And he's autistic I've spent the relationship working alongside trying to support him lead a life he understands and a life he can cope with. This is not the kind of love on which you can build a romantic relationship/marriage. This is called caregiving - very different. You are essentially caregiving for a man who has behaved in an abusive way towards you. I’m not sure why you feel the need to do this but it is very unhealthy - for you both. Edited October 10, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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