What to do. Stay / Go - really not sure.

[Stella 123]

Hello,

Hope you're all doing okay and having a lovely week. Posting this as I've been agonising over this and have not been able to come to a conclusion. 

Apologies in advance for the long post... 😊

Today I need some advice/opinions as I've been doing some reflection and introspection about my current partner, who I love dearly. I've been trying to work out whether long term it's a good fit and if we really have what it takes to create a fulfilling and happy life together where we can live happily ever after....

He's genuinely a great guy and super committed, and, all about investing in a partner for the long haul; he has a great moral compass, opens doors for me and treats me like a princess. I have respect and appreciation for the fact that he has been a contributor to his household since an early age.(Dad left he was 11, and he has a desire to create a family life very different to the one he had growing up.) We have great chemistry, and in the 1.5 years we have been together, he's become like a best friend. Although, with that being said our relationship has been rocky throughout for various reasons; when we are good we are amazing, and when we're bad, we are simply awful. 

So rocky that I googled how often a healthy couple should fight and the return interestingly, came back as: 25% of the time. If I try to quantify the ratio we spend fighting it's probably about 25-35% of the time.

There are small things that, although minor, are important to me and are occasionally a source of contention for us. (He often says he will do something but the follow-through is very slow, or it doesn't materialise full stop and as a highly contentious individual, this ticks me off unbelievably. There's a tendency from both sides, although probably more verbally from his side (when in argument / my tendency is the ponder about him and us etc due to x, y and z) to continuously list previous fights/ faults and belittle one another.

The thing that ultimately puts me most at ends is he is obsessive with always being "the one who makes things right/ puts in the most effort" and when it comes to arguments - I'm not good in arguments, basically made to feel like I'm always the problem and at fault. (From the bottom of my heart I know I've never tried harder and given more than I have in this relationship) 

Despite him hitting 9/10 ticks for me, I can't help but have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is not right or it's best if we just separate.

So my question is: How should I approach this situation, any advice or tips? Would you let the small things slide? Am I looking into things too much!?!

Appreciate any perspectives and opinions.

Have yourself a wonderful afternoon.
Best wishes.
Xxx

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Stella 123 said:

I'm not good in arguments, basically made to feel like I'm always the problem and at fault. (From the bottom of my heart I know I've never tried harder and given more than I have in this relationship) 

Despite him hitting 9/10 ticks for me, I can't help but have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is not right or it's best if we just separate.

Sorry this is happening. Besides character assassinations, what are the arguments actually about?

How old is he? Do you have the same goals values? Do you both work? Make roughly equal? Live at home? Want a family? Do either of you drink heavily, do drugs or have mental health issues?

Your relationship seems exceptionally turbulent, especially after just 1.5 years, where it's devolved into a who's right/who's wrong stand-off. 

What exactly, would you like to see changed, specifically? This seems like a power struggle.

Do you think he's abusive? Try googling "abusive relationships" rather than "% people should argue", see if anything resonates with you.

Edited September 13, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Stella 123 said:

Would you let the small things slide?

This doesn't sound like "small things."

It sounds like it bothers you deeply and has you questioning everything. Have you been trying to minimize all of this to yourself? 

What do you fight about? 

[Stella 123]

Thank you @Wiseman2.

I'm 24 and he's 28. I work and study and he runs his own business. We're both comfortable but he used to make more. Covid has been tough to him and the opening up has caused some teething pains. Until a couple days ago we lived alone in my old flat. We're aligned on family goals and most goals. We don't really drink or use any substances. I'm affected with depression that comes and goes and his mental health hasn't been that great either.

You're spot on I think about a power struggle, we clash occasionally due to conflicting interests in terms of priorities and methodology in the way we do things or make decisions. He is often prepare to talk it out but there's always a culprit and a victim and no place for shared accountability. 

I don't think he's abusive but I definitely think he's manipulative. 

 

Hi @ExpatInItaly.

I suppose I definitely keep to myself the things I find hurtful because a partner should be kind and considerate to the other, naturally. When I need to express my needs and wants, I do but find those can be awkward conversations.

We argue about communication preferences, we argue about him not doing what he says he will do, I'm really rigid about plans, due to my massive time constraints-  planning is a big factor in my day to day where he has no structure in his day. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, Stella 123 said:

We argue about communication preferences, we argue about him not doing what he says he will do

Can you be more specific?

Meaning, what things has he said he would do, but didn't?

What is your communication preference, and what is his? 

I realize that's a lot of questions, but I'm just trying to get a better sense of the context of the current issues. 

[Stella 123]

@ExpatInItaly

Communication preferences, as in when we've made plans, I like updates on ETA,  if plans change I like notice, I like to plan whereas, he is happy to be entirely spontaneous or can be blase  saying my expectations are unreasonable. An example of things not being done, submitting documents for joint applications, causing delays due to disorganisation, planning out the following day stating he would do x and the by the end of the day x is not done. Still, there is a reason, but a continuous cycle of x not being done on various types of things, for the house, his own commitments, things for us just in generally. 

[NuevoYorko]

I have to contest the statistic that "healthy" couples fight 25% of the time.  That is nuts.  Who in their right mind would spend a quarter of their life in conflict.  

In any case, the issue is not really that.  It's HOW you fight and resolve, coupled with WHAT is being fought about.

It stands out that you mention that he treats you "Like a princess" and opens doors for you.  Those are the only specifics you mention about your compatibility aside from "chemistry," which is pretty amorphous.  But the negatives sound quite overwhelming.  Best friends don't treat each other this way. 

You've identified one area where you are definitely in the wrong:  consistently arguing about the same issue.  He doesn't do what he says he would.  Seems to be habitual.  Why are you fighting about it repeatedly?   If he is this way, and he has not changed despite your clear dissatisfaction with it, then you are either going to have to accept this part of him or move on. 

Issues like his lack of followthrough can be helped by couples therapy.  Both of you have to be willing to give it your all, and both of you will need to be prepared to change.  For him it will probably entail doing what he said he'd do or coming to you with accountability if he is not going to fulfill a commitment.    It sounds like you are going to need to back off from nagging (as you term it, being "contentious") and perhaps asking less of him since it's clear that he will only do a certain amount.

The main problem is that you evidently have no rules of "fair fighting" and are verbally abusive towards each other.  

If you don't get a handle on these things, you will be miserable.  Both of you.   My advice is to stop pretending that these things are okay, and either make a strong commitment (both of you) to counseling and changing these dynamics, or move on.  

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Stella 123 said:

Until a couple days ago we lived alone in my old flat.

Did you/do you still live together? It's very difficult to be with someone who marches to his own drummer in his own world.

That makes it impossible to ever be on the same page. Add to that his lack of respect and inconsiderateness. Surely he can be responsible when he feels like it.

He may check a lot of boxes, but he'll flit around like a little boy and you'll be the party-pooper /heavy responsible one. He will act put upon if you expect responsible behavior. he will make out to be a "nag". He will always be right. Always.

Being manipulative and argumentative are also headaches to deal with.

People like that may be fun to date for a while, but make horrible life partners because of only living by their own wants /needs. Everything is about if/when they "feel" like it. Selfish folks are never good partners.

Edited September 13, 2022 by Wiseman2