Husband spending too much time with band [UPDATE I'm uncomfortable about female singer]

[Chuvaness]

My husband started forming a band a year ago and he’s been trying so hard to get gigs. He has a full time a job and we have a 13 yr mo th daughter. Many times he would need to go to band rehearsals and gigs on weekend. Then on weekdays he has a full time job. It’s not everytime his weekends are free. 
i support him in his music but sometimes i feel alone in our marriage. I take care of my baby when he is out rehearsals or gig( i do go to gigs) but of course he is busy during these times.

I am also 5 months pregnant now and i dont feel my husband stopping or taking less gigs. Some of them are not even paid yet he put so much time in it. 
 

i want to hear other’s opinion. Am i selfish if i ask my husband to have just 1 day music day every week and i need 2 days for me and baby family time?

my husband cannot understand this sometimes and he gets mad when i bring up the topic that music is stealing most of his time from us.

i wonder how i can make him understand my pov or is it me who is wrong??

what is the normal time a full time married person should spend time with his family?

I just feel sometimes that it is the third party in our marriage and i cant do anything abt it.

also when my new baby comes out i want him to focus more on family instead of that. Since it’s just a part time activity.

can anyone pls tell me if what im feeling is wrong?

Edited September 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads/update title

[basil67]

What you are feeling is not wrong.  Him starting a band at this time in your lives really isn't practical if he wants to be an active, supportive father. 

I  love your compromise of just doing one day per week.... from a practical standpoint, that would only work if they are content jamming in someone's garage.  But if they want to perform, they need more time together.  So I imagine pulling back to one music day per week will make the band untenable and he'd be letting down the guys.  But by staying with the band, he's letting down his family.  

Honestly, I think this is a job for a marriage counsellor

 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I think this is a job for a marriage counsellor

I agree.  

Of course what you're feeling isn't wrong.  Unfortunately he doesn't seem to understand.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Chuvaness said:

what is the normal time a full time married person should spend time with his family?

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he's using "band rehearsals" to avoid the responsibilities of fatherhood and continue acting single.

He's not listening because it's not about the side hustle or music it's about avoiding being home. 

You'll have to act. That means discontinue anything but caring for yourself and your child. Don't free up time for him. Let him do his own cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, errands, etc. That way if he wants to go jam with his pals he can wear dirty underwear.

Don't enable his irresponsibly. It's win-win for you and your child. You'll have more time to attend to yourself and your child and your husband will have to either step up or go hungry.

Edited September 14, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

9 hours ago, Chuvaness said:

My husband started forming a band a year ago and he’s been trying so hard to get gigs. He has a full time a job and we have a 13 yr mo th daughter. Many times he would need to go to band rehearsals and gigs on weekend. Then on weekdays he has a full time job. It’s not everytime his weekends are free. 
i support him in his music but sometimes i feel alone in our marriage. I take care of my baby when he is out rehearsals or gig( i do go to gigs) but of course he is busy during these times.

I am also 5 months pregnant now and i dont feel my husband stopping or taking less gigs. Some of them are not even paid yet he put so much time in it. 
 

i want to hear other’s opinion. Am i selfish if i ask my husband to have just 1 day music day every week and i need 2 days for me and baby family time?

my husband cannot understand this sometimes and he gets mad when i bring up the topic that music is stealing most of his time from us.

i wonder how i can make him understand my pov or is it me who is wrong??

what is the normal time a full time married person should spend time with his family?

I just feel sometimes that it is the third party in our marriage and i cant do anything abt it.

also when my new baby comes out i want him to focus more on family instead of that. Since it’s just a part time activity.

can anyone pls tell me if what im feeling is wrong?

Take care of yourself and your children. You’ve tried talking about this already and both disagree with each other. I’d take some time as you are to think a bit more. 

What’s the desperation in needing to be in a band? Is he not happy with himself or feels lack of identity? Does he dislike his day job or is he underappreciated at work? Where’s that pull coming from? You may not understand it yourself but you know him best living with him. Is he avoiding you in general? Are there other issues in the marriage? 

[Chuvaness]

He is an immigrant and his family is away from him. He is happy when surrounded by people he is a super extrovert. Also just like any musician, it’s their dream to ‘’make it big”.

he is kind to us and takes care of us. But the time is split between me, kids, work and music.

yes he used to be a musician in the country where he is from. His dayjob is just to get us by because u dont make a lot of jo. On gigs.

[NuevoYorko]

It's a delicate balance.   I agree that his behavior is not mature or really appropriate for your family circumstances.  On the other hand, do you think you will come out ahead if you make demands that he put his dreams to the side?  I don't think you will.  

I don't mean to take his side in this.  I agree with you that it is his responsibility to put his family first, but the reality is that you chose this guy, and you also chose to grow your family with him when he'd already started up this band.  

This is the kind of thing that will take good communication and compromise.  It might be very helpful to get counseling to sort it out.  

[mark clemson]

I agree that he's focusing on his "fun" and so ends up neglecting your needs to a certain extent. It's not fair and can eventually be quite problematic when one partner isn't having their needs met in a marriage.

This can be difficult to discuss - he will probably understand how you feel, but he has the dopamine reinforcement/"high" of playing in his band reinforcing that behavior. While he'll no doubt understand the importance of it at a rational level, staying at home with you to support you is simply unlikely to have the same appeal.

Hopefully he is fully loyal to you and his family with you. In that case, consider having a discussion with him to curtail, not end, his band activities so that you can be more supported. While it's always nice to have a dream to aspire and work to, "day jobs" are quite prevalent for a reason.

[Weezy1973]

If he is trying to make a living with music, while working a day job, the real issue is he’s a workaholic. And while that ultimately leaves you in the same place - him not spending enough time with the family - it does put a different spin on things than him just “having fun”. If he was a paid musician before he immigrated, it makes some sense that he wants to do the same thing here. Did you know that was his desire when you met him?

[glows]

There still seems to be a disconnect between the two of you. You understand this is who he is but can’t accept it when it comes to raising your family. I agree counselling is best especially if discussions get too heated or neither of you are listening to one another. 

Realistically you may ask how long will this go on for until he’s an established musician? There may be compromise or no compromise. That’s up to the both of you to agree on. 

[Els]

Surely this is something that you should have discussed before having one child, let alone two?

Neither of you is wrong IMO, the problem is just that you have expectations that perhaps weren't communicated clearly before choosing to have children together. Perhaps a counsellor can help both of you through the communication issues, and help you work on a compromise.

To answer your question,  "healthy" is whatever the two people involved decide that it is. H and I both have hobbies that take up a fair amount of time, however we are also childfree so we have more time to spare to begin with.

[Chuvaness]

It’s been an issue since 3 months ago. My husband who is a singer and musician likes performing in gigs, recently we met a mutual femal friend who sings well and plays guitar and my husband keeps asking her to join him in solo and group gigs. This female is married and the husband is also our friend but NOT close friend we just met them early this year thru a mutual friend.

so.. one time my husband video calls this girl about a song he wants her to sing. We share passwords of social media accounts and saw they called from 15mins. I confronted him Abt it and said i dont want him video calling a married girl at 12am (the reason he called at 12 am was bec he has a night shift and at work at the time).

 

he got mad because i confronted him and said he will no longer share his password with me as im controlling the relationship. So i told him to stop doing that because it makes me feel uncomfortable and he could be showing the other girl mixed signals as to why he is calling.

so. He kept telling me that she is married and has a 5 month old baby so shes harmless and just a friend. I told him i dont like him having close relationship with female friend.

he was not happy with i said but we reconciled after him being so angry and kicking some stuff in our kitchen. 
 

Fastfroward 2 months, he is still inviting this female vocalist to almost all of his gigs. Last weekend it really triggered me. I was there at their practice with other friends BUT he kept wanting to sing with her and also asked her to sing a song about “loving someone when you are already taken” which is a duet song. It’s a very common duet song bug still makes me feel uncomfortable. Another thing is that when he practicing he brings me there to take care of our son and forgets about us in the corner. I was there because it was a party where they happen to use as a time to rehearse for an upcoming event.

okay.. so my question is obviously about the friendship:bond between my husband and this singer. My husband likes her because she sings well and he wants her to sing his original compositions. Which i dont get why coz he also sings.

am i controlling freak wife for not wanting them to continue doing gigs together? Do i have a right as a wife to tell him to avoid it? Is it harmful to our marriage. i am asking because honestly im scared to talk to my husband. He wants everything to go his way and when i ask him to stop he says that im toxic and jealous. Let me clarify this— im only jealous with girls that i think my husband would be interested in. Because as a girl u know it, u have a feeling when than girl is

potentially your husband’s type and of course i dont want him to have close relationships with those type of females.

soo first am i crazy jealous and out of place or am i right? Can i ask him to avoid this girl and just do gigs alone as much as possible? Pls give me an insight. My husband will fight with me as soon as I confront him abt this telling me im insecure so i want to know im right or wrong or just plain crazy.

 

i am also pregnant right now with our second child

Edited September 27, 2022 by Chuvaness

[Chuvaness]

My husband is nice to me and takes care of me and him being too friendly even with females bothers me a lot. 

[Chuvaness]

Just to add: my husband always reassures me

nothing to worry abt. He always tells me how much he loves me and our baby.

i guess im writing this due to an insecurity too.. because the singer shares the same passion with my husband and i dont want them to have a special connection because of that.

i dont think my husband is cheating on me or wants to cheat.. but am i scared of their closeness

[stillafool]

Ugh, I can certainly understand your feelings that this girl who is your husband's type and sings like a bird which is compatible with him.   I really do believe he's just interested in her musically though and there isn't much to worry about.  Where is her husband when she's practicing a song with your husband?   I chuckled when you said you didn't want him calling a married woman at 12:30 AM.  What about a single woman?  (just kidding)

[stillafool]

If she has to be around just befriend her and her husband.  Both of you have babies and can bond over them.  Maybe the more you get to know her the less jealousy you will feel.

[Chuvaness]

Just now, stillafool said:

Ugh, I can certainly understand your feelings that this girl who is your husband's type and sings like a bird which is compatible with him.   I really do believe he's just interested in her musically though and there isn't much to worry about.  Where is her husband when she's practicing a song with your husband?   I chuckled when you said you didn't want him calling a married woman at 12:30 AM.  What about a single woman?  (just kidding)

No i dont want him calling any girl unless im present im there during the call hahaha.

her husband is also jealous type but like me we are kind of trying to understand that this is

nothinh personal and just music. Her husband was there and looked unhappy too but of course he woulndt say it because his wife loves to sing

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Chuvaness said:

Her husband was there and looked unhappy too but of course he woulndt say it because his wife loves to sing

Well she knows he's watching her and your husband knows you're watching him.  I think it's all going to work out.  Give it a little time.

[glows]

35 minutes ago, Chuvaness said:

It’s been an issue since 3 months ago. My husband who is a singer and musician likes performing in gigs, recently we met a mutual femal friend who sings well and plays guitar and my husband keeps asking her to join him in solo and group gigs. This female is married and the husband is also our friend but NOT close friend we just met them early this year thru a mutual friend.

so.. one time my husband video calls this girl about a song he wants her to sing. We share passwords of social media accounts and saw they called from 15mins. I confronted him Abt it and said i dont want him video calling a married girl at 12am (the reason he called at 12 am was bec he has a night shift and at work at the time).

 

he got mad because i confronted him and said he will no longer share his password with me as im controlling the relationship. So i told him to stop doing that because it makes me feel uncomfortable and he could be showing the other girl mixed signals as to why he is calling.

so. He kept telling me that she is married and has a 5 month old baby so shes harmless and just a friend. I told him i dont like him having close relationship with female friend.

he was not happy with i said but we reconciled after him being so angry and kicking some stuff in our kitchen. 
 

Fastfroward 2 months, he is still inviting this female vocalist to almost all of his gigs. Last weekend it really triggered me. I was there at their practice with other friends BUT he kept wanting to sing with her and also asked her to sing a song about “loving someone when you are already taken” which is a duet song. It’s a very common duet song bug still makes me feel uncomfortable. Another thing is that when he practicing he brings me there to take care of our son and forgets about us in the corner. I was there because it was a party where they happen to use as a time to rehearse for an upcoming event.

okay.. so my question is obviously about the friendship:bond between my husband and this singer. My husband likes her because she sings well and he wants her to sing his original compositions. Which i dont get why coz he also sings.

am i controlling freak wife for not wanting them to continue doing gigs together? Do i have a right as a wife to tell him to avoid it? Is it harmful to our marriage. i am asking because honestly im scared to talk to my husband. He wants everything to go his way and when i ask him to stop he says that im toxic and jealous. Let me clarify this— im only jealous with girls that i think my husband would be interested in. Because as a girl u know it, u have a feeling when than girl is

potentially your husband’s type and of course i dont want him to have close relationships with those type of females.

soo first am i crazy jealous and out of place or am i right? Can i ask him to avoid this girl and just do gigs alone as much as possible? Pls give me an insight. My husband will fight with me as soon as I confront him abt this telling me im insecure so i want to know im right or wrong or just plain crazy.

 

i am also pregnant right now with our second child

He disregards your feelings and that’s something to think about. Minimizing them or dismissing them is an issue in a marriage and I’m sorry he seems blind or numb to it. Worse, he reacts poorly and kicks things in the kitchen. You have a new baby on the way but I’m not sure which baby needs more attention and keeping an eye. 

Talking about it falls on deaf ears as he disagrees with you. The manner in which he disregards you or reacts like kicking things is bizarre for a grown man. It sounds like there’s a lot more under the surface and a lot of resentments built up between the two of you.

[Els]

With all due respect, I think you are focusing on the wrong issue. The issue isn't the female vocalist (which, by the way, is very common). The issue is clearly [that he's spending too much time with them]

And it's completely understandable and reasonable for you to be upset with your husband spending all that energy and time with his band when you two have young children together. But you need to be able to communicate this in a civil, non-attacking manner rather than "confronting" him for literally just talking to a female vocalist for 15 minutes!

Can you both go to MC to learn how to communicate with each other?

Edited September 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link

[Chuvaness]

My husband is scared of counselling. I even told him to

go to an anger management counselling and he didnt say anything. I think he knows it himself that he is part wrong and unable to accept it.

so how can i get him to go to marriage counselling without an open mind from him

Edited September 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Els]

1 minute ago, Chuvaness said:

My husband is scared of counselling. I even told him to

go to an anger management counselling and he didnt say anything. I think he knows it himself that he is part wrong and unable to accept it.

so how can i get him to go to marriage counselling without an open mind from him

While it's concerning that he won't go to individual counseling... there's a really big difference between "you should go to anger management counseling" and "let's go to marriage counseling together". Have you tried it?

[Chuvaness]

[ ]  I wanted to hear thoughts about me being jealous because it doesnt just show up on one girl but on multiple people. So i will be honest here, if his bandmate wasnt a girl, i would be okay with his hobby and going to gigs. What really bothers me is when he has atten gigs and practices with a female vocalist or other singer/girl.

Edited September 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Els]

If you are truly okay with his investment in this band (and your other thread clearly indicates not, but anyway...), then yes, you're being unreasonable. This isn't the 90s, boybands aren't a thing anymore. Bands have girls in them...

Edited September 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Wiseman2]

On 9/28/2022 at 2:39 AM, Chuvaness said:

he was not happy with i said but we reconciled after him being so angry and kicking some stuff in our kitchen. 

Is he making any money doing these gigs? This is just another symptom of many many problems in the marriage.:

 

Edited September 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link