Husband spending too much time with band [UPDATE I'm uncomfortable about female singer]

[Chuvaness]

He makes money sometimes on private gigs. But 75% of the time it’s unpaid. He says if he takes unpaid gigs sometimes he will get client bookings thru that which happens but the money he earns from it is not enough for him to quit his day job. 

Edited September 27, 2022 by Chuvaness

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

Male perspective here.  Your husband is putting you into a tough spot and forcing you to be okay with something that most people wouldn't be okay with, using trust as a pretense.    I'd feel just as you do.  Whether it's about music or not, the point is, it is upsetting you.  Doesn't sound like he's willing to acknowledge how his actions are impacting you.  You are his wife.  Your feelings should concern him because issues like this can lead to bigger issues and that will impact the marriage.  Instead, what I see here is defensiveness, and one party prioritizing themselves over the health of the relationship.  From experience, I know that's never a good thing.  Would he be okay with you talking to a man at these odd hours?   

I can't tell you what to do, but just thought you should know your feelings are supported and acknowledged here.

- Beach

Edited September 27, 2022 by Beachead

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Chuvaness said:

He makes money sometimes on private gigs. But 75% of the time it’s unpaid. He says if he takes unpaid gigs sometimes he will get client bookings thru that which happens but the money he earns from it is not enough for him to quit his day job. 

Then it's an expensive hobby, not a 'side hustle'. It's best to only take care of yourself and your child. Let him do more chores, housework, childcare and errands. If you do all this he has more free time to chase women at these unpaid jam sessions.

He has violent tantrums where he kicks things if you express that his hobby and flirting is inappropriate? You need to stop cowering and simply take care of yourself and child. Do not cook or shop for him or do his laundry, cleaning, etc. If he is out at his jam sessions flirting, let him come home and sleep on the sofa. Stop rewarding his childish inappropriate behavior.

Edited September 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Chuvaness said:

No i dont want him calling any girl unless im present im there during the call hahaha.

I'm seeing a lot of issues here, not in the least that he sounds like he's bordering on harassing this woman to join the group

However, the quoted sentence is highly problematic, but maybe I misunderstand.  Is this sarcasm or are you being serious?  Because if you're being serious, this is highly controlling on your part.  There are many times when it's entirely appropriate to be calling someone who's the opposite sex and one should be able to trust their partner enough to not insist in being present at the time.

 

[NuevoYorko]

A woman married to a musician can't be jealous.  Period.  Definitely not of band members, regardless of their gender.  I can't stress this enough.  I think it will wreck your marriage if you can't get this handled.  

Maybe he doesn't warrant your trust, but you have to "act as if" because you will NOT be able to control this.  

We won't even go into how female fans might trigger your jealousy.   

I'm really sorry that you're having these troubles.  I hope you'll be able to get through them.   Pitfalls of being married to a musician.  

[glows]

7 hours ago, Chuvaness said:

Why did you merge the other topic here. I wanted to hear thoughts about me being jealous because it doesnt just show up on one girl but on multiple people. So i will be honest here, if his bandmate wasnt a girl, i would be okay with his hobby and going to gigs. What really bothers me is when he has atten gigs and practices with a female vocalist or other singer/girl.

I’m not sure exactly what you’re expecting and maybe you can clarify a little further. Are you in other words expecting all his gigs and practices to be with male vocalists only or male singers only? That’s cutting off 50% of the talent. 

The relationship is rocky due to him not pulling his weight at home and spending enough time with his family. It hurts realizing or living that. Have you found a way to compromise on this as a couple? The relationship doesn’t have a leg to stand on and this woman is really white noise/background noise. The jealousy stems from that hurt feeling neglected overall.

[FMW]

You need to have a solid and trusting relationship to be married to a musician.  They are creative people interacting with other creative people, both men and women.  It's a special little bubble that you have to learn to appreciate if you love a musician.

I agree with glows that the real issue is your unhappiness with your relationship.  You can't ignore that part of the equation. If you give it some thought I think you will realize that's the basis of the jealousy. Jealousy, when it's more than just a passing twinge, happens when you don't feel secure or confident in your relationship.   

[SingFish]

7 hours ago, Chuvaness said:

He makes money sometimes on private gigs. But 75% of the time it’s unpaid. He says if he takes unpaid gigs sometimes he will get client bookings thru that which happens but the money he earns from it is not enough for him to quit his day job. 

It's good he has a hobby which sometimes pays. Does he spend time with you as a couple and with your children as a family? There are only 24 hours in a day. I think it's okay to ask him to spend time with you, time with the children, the female vocalist is irrelevant otherwise. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

A woman married to a musician can't be jealous.  Period.  

But she can discontinue allowing his abusive tantrums and insist he quit chitchatting with various females, get paying jobs rather than waste time jamming and participate in being a decent husband and father. 

[giotto]

He kicked stuff in the kitchen? Not good.

[stillafool]

I had no idea this was a side hobby that your husband likes to do.  I thought it was his full time career.  If he's going to continue doing this I would suggest you do as a lot of musicians wives to and stay home.  That way you won't be triggered by other women.  You said you take the baby along; but isn't that kind of late and the music too loud for her/his little ears?

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

But she can discontinue allowing his abusive tantrums and insist he quit chitchatting with various females, get paying jobs rather than waste time jamming and participate in being a decent husband and father. 

I agree 100% on the tantrums / abusive stuff  - but she said in her other thread that he was a professional musician in their home country and now he's pursuing it in their new home.  

She wants him to stop wasting time jamming, etc.   If she wants to stay married to this man, she needs to accept that he will not do this.   It's his passion, for better or worse.  It seems pretty clear that he was not a good choice for marriage,  because he seems more invested in his music than his family, but she chose him AND now they are expecting a second child.  

He is not going to quit his band or agree not to interact with female musicians.  If I happen to be wrong about this and he does agree to quit,  he will be a many times more miserable person around the house than he is now.  

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

But she can discontinue allowing his abusive tantrums and insist he quit chitchatting with various females, get paying jobs rather than waste time jamming and participate in being a decent husband and father. 

Does anyone have the right to "insist" their partner do (or not do) anything?  Or something that isn't to their liking? 

I'm not sure about that. 

I know I wouldn't feel comfortable insisting, it's too heavy handed imo.

Letting him know my feelings about it?  Yes definitely.

OP, you might have better results using a softer approach, you come off quite demanding and harsh. 

Naturally he's going to recoil from that, get angry, lash out which only adds to the toxicity of the situation. 

Re the jealousy, it's ok to be jealous, but learn to contain it, manage it. 

It's your issue to deal with, he is not responsible for managing your emotions, you are. 

If you feel he's making you jealous intentionally, as a way to gaslight or control you, then leave. 

I realize you're married for better or worse, but abuse, including mental and emotional, is a whole different thing. 

 

Edited September 29, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 abuse, including mental and emotional, is a whole different thing. 

Yes, and she got "worse" in the deal. He has violent tantrums and wastes time on pipedreams while there is a child to feed.  

Don't put up with him or his tantrums. Tell him to shape up or you'll divorce.

Let him pursue his hobbies after all the bills are paid. This is Not a side hussle if it is not making money. It doesn't matter what he claims he did for a living in his county . If he were any good he would be making money doing it now.

It's like people in Hollywood who claim to be 'actors" when in reality they're waiting tables to make money. That's all fine and dandy unless you have a child to feed. Then it's just selfish and ridiculous.

 

[Weezy1973]

On 9/27/2022 at 11:41 AM, Chuvaness said:

So i will be honest here, if his bandmate wasnt a girl, i would be okay with his hobby and going to gigs.

I think this is really the key. Whether he’s making money with music, how much time he’s spending with the family etc. are really non-issues. They were your attempt to work through these feelings of jealousy/insecurity. While there are many complicated facets to this relationship, and clearly enough issues to go around for both of you, the only question that really matters is can you continue the marriage if he insists on continuing to play music with women? 

[Wiseman2]

I don't think having music as a hobby is a license to act like a bachelor without a family to care about or support.

That's like saying someone who likes golfing has a license to flirt and be out chronically to shirk the responsibilities of being an involved husband and father. It makes no sense.

It doesn't matter what gender his band mates are. What matters is that he's disrespectful to you. Including kicking things in the kitchen to intimidate you and manufacturing chaos to get his way. There's something seriously flawed about that.

You definitely need to take action for your own and your child's sake and not buy into this myth that he's a rockstar so you'll have to deal with his antics.

Edited September 29, 2022 by Wiseman2

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

While there are many complicated facets to this relationship, and clearly enough issues to go around for both of you, the only question that really matters is can you continue the marriage if he insists on continuing to play music with women? 

Agree with this^ especially bolded.  It takes two people imo to generate the type of toxicity happening here

OP, the negativity and toxicity is bouncing back between you - you with the heavy-handed demands insisting he Stop doing whatever is causing you anxiety and jealousy and him for reacting violently. 

I'm not suggesting your feelings are "wrong," they're not, they're your feelings and you're entitled to them.

But there is a healthier way of reacting to your feelings besides getting angry and making demands.

You're his wife, not his drill sergeant or mother. 

I also think there are certain professions that invite danger or in this case, attention from women.

A police officer for example.  When a woman marries a police officer, she must be prepared for the possibility he may get hurt or killed.  

That is HER choice. 

Here, he's a musician.  As such there will be a certain amount of attention from women, neither you nor he has any control over that.

What he can control is how he reacts and manages that attention and if he respects you and your marriage, he will react with integrity and respect.

Have you discussed this with him, in a rational non-accusatory manner? 

From reading your posts, it sounds like you came/come at him with full force demanding he stop.

And again his reaction is to lash out violently, kicking things, etc. 

I dunno, just my take and of course any type of abuse whether physical or mental/emotional is not good and if it continues and you're not able to resolve it mutually, then take steps to leave, if not for yourself but for your daughter. 

SHE is the one who will end up suffering the most in the long term. 

Edited September 29, 2022 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

You have the right to insist on anything you want in a relationship. Whether your partner will accept a particular demand (versus pushing back/making demands of their own, subverting the request and starting to emotionally disconnect, or simply leaving the relationship), is of course another matter.

When someone's identity is very wrapped up in something (such as musicianship) requests that they stop it, even if it's somewhat detrimental, are not likely to go over well. Requests that they reduce the activity may have a better chance of success.

(Note: If the activity is hugely detrimental, then of course one has to get them to see that it's a problem so they'll agree to take action.)

Edited September 30, 2022 by mark clemson

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

You have the right to insist on anything you want in a relationship.

OK fair enough.

However if one's goal is to be "heard," taken seriously and have their needs met, I would strongly advise against insisting or making heavy-handed demands.

I honestly don't know anyone who would respond well to that - man or woman.

But rather present what troubles you in a more gentle less threatening and demanding manner. 

They'd be more likely to listen and hear you.   After that it's up to them whether they care and respect you enough to make a change, or not. 

If not, then it's your turn to consider remaining in the relationship/ marriage or not.

Edited October 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

I dated a police officer and I also dated a professional dancer. It can bring up a lot of jealousy.

The jealousy you feel toward your husband's female band mates and profession is usually less to do with her and more a consequence of something in your life. I feel though the other members are correct. You cannot get jealous. But that doesn't mean that you won't.

At the same time, I never had a reason too because my partners did not act inappropriately.

Many mums lose confidence in their appearance “almost immediately” after their bundle of joy arrives. How have you been feeling about yourself overall?

In reality, you are not his mother, so there's that. You're his wife, his friend, and his partner. Give yourself permission to desire this for him if it's something he wants for himself. This part of the equation is difficult for you, which leaves you feeling dissatisfied. IF you stay silent, you will realize it is your fear that has brought you here. You fear that he might walk away at any moment. It scares you to think that he might leave. So you do everything you can to keep him. And in turn, he keeps you hostage.

It's worth pondering. I could be wrong, of course.

Despite this, he seems to hold something over your head: your view of his inability to be dependable. He could walk out or choose the band over you. That's tough to live with, that you're always pulling him back. He is waiting to be banished so he can continue his passion. Actually, he begs for banishment. When you banish him, he need not say "I left." He can always say, "She threw me away, so here I am."

Those are the things I would ponder, while doing nothing, before you do something. I would ponder these questions until slowly an answer would come to you and you would know what to do. Once the answer appears, it will not go away. It might scare you at first. Might seem wrong. It will keep coming to you. Eventually you will accept the fact that it's true, it's what you have to do.

Not sure what that is yet. I say do nothing first. When the answer comes, you will not be able to ignore it. You will no longer be guessing. No more acting in fear. You'll know what to do. You will have to act. What you do then will be what you have to do.

For your husband. He kept his end of the bargain so far. You don't have to like it, but I'm telling you - if you decide to throw down the gauntlet over this it will be one of the core issues that undoes your marriage, whether now, or five years from now.

The tantrums and abusive stuff though? Why aren't you MORE concerned with THAT?

Edited October 1, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

It's very important to stand up for yourself. Don't cower or believe that because he fancies himself as a rockstar you have to put up with abuse, intimidation or believe that because you have a new baby you're unattractive and boring compared to his band mates.

It's nonsense to give him a license to be abusive and avoid his responsibilities because he fancies himself the next Mick Jagger, when in fact, he's a nobody making nothing.

Don't accept a "suck it up buttercup" and be a doormat attitude. You're his wife and mother of his child. You must insist on reasonable treatment and participation in the marriage and family. He has to hear that and respect that.

If he doesn't and keeps blowing you off and creating chaos, drama and discord, tell him you're going to talk to an attorney. Let him be a single wannabe rockstar.

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Beachead]

I also want to add, things change when a child is in the picture as it's no longer about you or him.  It's about the child and their future; making sure they have what they need.  Raising them to be a good person. He needs as much stability and security as possible.  Hard to have that when 1 party to the marriage is not fulfilling  their parental obligation and looking after their own needs.   I believe a good father considers what's best for his family over himself and conducts his life accordingly.  Otherwise, why even get married?  Why have children?   He could do all this, single, with no problems at all.  Nobody to answer to.   

I think his unaccountability and irresponsible nature is drawing out this uneasiness/irritation in you and you're being gaslighted.  You feel something is wrong, which is why you reached out to external parties for advice.  I would explore this a little more.

Edited October 1, 2022 by Beachead

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, poppyfields said:

But rather present what troubles you in a more gentle less threatening and demanding manner.

Don't disagree with you poppyfields...