Girl will not kiss me even after 3 years

[dancehead]

Short story. I UK man , met very attractive girl on dating app 3 years ago. Later she would call me at 3am naked many times. I'd be warned about girls [ ]  doing this in the hope some stupid guy would send money or something or she just wants a visa, so I was cautious. I guessed I was one of many and didn't take it too seriously in case she would be after a man to marry just to take half his house and money etc. I would hear from her on and off over the next 2 years and during the lockdowns. In this time she moved to Europe (don't know how!) I suspect she was illegal where she was and I have no idea how she was making a living there. Now she has moved country again and has proper papers and is working, but not a great wage. 5 months ago she suggested I visit her, we can spend time together, see how we get on and if all ok make plans to live together there for a serious relationship. Ok maybe I misjudged her. So thats what I had in mind when I arrived there, met, went ok, shes just as beautiful in person, but after 3 days not even a kiss, very surprising given the past video calls. I ask her what is wrong, she says she just wants to be friends and go slowly!. GUTTED! I ask her did she meet someone recently, she says yes but didn't know how to tell me. She really should have told me that before I told her I was coming and I wouldn't have gone! Though I didn't say that. She said give her time - there is no future with the guy. So I said if there is no future what is stopping you splitting now I'm here. - "complicated", but give her time maybe there is a future for us, she said. I did not get angry, more upset really, but was tempted to tell her I didn't fly all this way to meet a new friend etc, and she was out of order. I did tell her that you shouldn't expect me to wait for you to make your mind up what you are doing and I may meet someone, She said " Good luck"! Not sure if that was genuine or an annoyed good luck. If I ignore her she calls or texts, if I reply then she goes off the boil.

Yes I have considered that the bf, could be made up to spare my feelings if she did not like me in person, but it doesn't look that way because her phone was often ringing and she told me to be quiet and I saw a mans calling when we were out, she turned the phone over and ignored it, this was before she admitted there was a bf.

I really did consider flying home early but stayed to enjoy the break and the rest of her company. What do you all think about the situation, her, and what went wrong when we met?

And what to do now? She is texting me all the time, thanks for coming, are you home ok etc but I have ignored her, in case I make some more bad moves that I probably have made already...! Plus I am angry with her and she doesn't seem to know or care what she has done, so what is the point. As I say she should have told me not to come and I did say I won't come if you are working a lot but she said come and I had a lot of holiday to take...

 

Reply

Edited September 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed shaming of particular country

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, dancehead said:

but after 3 days not even a kiss

Sorry this happened. It sounds like you got sucked into a strange thing. Delete and block her. This is a go-nowhere situation. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, dancehead said:

And what to do now? She is texting me all the time, thanks for coming, are you home ok etc but I have ignored her

That’s what I would do, block her. 

[dancehead]

Thanks. I have been tempted to find her whatsapp msgs from the past inviting me over and what we were supposed to be doing together and to send quote them to her- ie: not this friends s*** -

And totell her that now I have gone you can tell me what really is going on

I feel misled and lied to.  I actually think she has been talking to hundreds of blokes and half the time didn't know who I was . She certainly couldn't remember my birthday, because she asked my my age!

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, dancehead said:

. I have been tempted to find her whatsapp msgs from the past inviting me over and what we were supposed to be doing together and to send quote them to her- ie: not this friends s*** -

 

All you can do is avoid being seduced by cam workers or those who engage in nude video chatting, sexting etc. 

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Next time only communicate with local women you can meet in person in a timely manner. This helps avoid scammers, catfish, virtual escorts and other undesirables.

Edited September 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[dancehead]

Hi thanks, I could do that but I feel that my country is going to the dogs. I would rather now date girls from abroad in emerging countries, probably south America because I want to leave this country. It will be bankrupt soon the way it's going. If I don't keep talking to her I will never know if she has left the BF and now wants to go back to the original plan. Don't worry though, I am not waiting for her, in fact this experience has given me the kick up the butt I needed tgo get back on dating apps

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, dancehead said:

I would rather now date girls from abroad in emerging countries, probably south America because I want to leave this country. It will be bankrupt soon the way it's going.

Look for oversea jobs there. When you secure something, move there. Once there, you can date. You seem to be going about this backwards.

[Goodguy05]

On 9/15/2022 at 4:49 AM, dancehead said:

Short story. I UK man , met very attractive girl on dating app 3 years ago. Later she would call me at 3am naked many times. I'd be warned about girls [ ]  doing this in the hope some stupid guy would send money or something or she just wants a visa, so I was cautious. I guessed I was one of many and didn't take it too seriously in case she would be after a man to marry just to take half his house and money etc. I would hear from her on and off over the next 2 years and during the lockdowns. In this time she moved to Europe (don't know how!) I suspect she was illegal where she was and I have no idea how she was making a living there. Now she has moved country again and has proper papers and is working, but not a great wage. 5 months ago she suggested I visit her, we can spend time together, see how we get on and if all ok make plans to live together there for a serious relationship. Ok maybe I misjudged her. So thats what I had in mind when I arrived there, met, went ok, shes just as beautiful in person, but after 3 days not even a kiss, very surprising given the past video calls. I ask her what is wrong, she says she just wants to be friends and go slowly!. GUTTED! I ask her did she meet someone recently, she says yes but didn't know how to tell me. She really should have told me that before I told her I was coming and I wouldn't have gone! Though I didn't say that. She said give her time - there is no future with the guy. So I said if there is no future what is stopping you splitting now I'm here. - "complicated", but give her time maybe there is a future for us, she said. I did not get angry, more upset really, but was tempted to tell her I didn't fly all this way to meet a new friend etc, and she was out of order. I did tell her that you shouldn't expect me to wait for you to make your mind up what you are doing and I may meet someone, She said " Good luck"! Not sure if that was genuine or an annoyed good luck. If I ignore her she calls or texts, if I reply then she goes off the boil.

Yes I have considered that the bf, could be made up to spare my feelings if she did not like me in person, but it doesn't look that way because her phone was often ringing and she told me to be quiet and I saw a mans calling when we were out, she turned the phone over and ignored it, this was before she admitted there was a bf.

I really did consider flying home early but stayed to enjoy the break and the rest of her company. What do you all think about the situation, her, and what went wrong when we met?

And what to do now? She is texting me all the time, thanks for coming, are you home ok etc but I have ignored her, in case I make some more bad moves that I probably have made already...! Plus I am angry with her and she doesn't seem to know or care what she has done, so what is the point. As I say she should have told me not to come and I did say I won't come if you are working a lot but she said come and I had a lot of holiday to take...

 

Reply

I would definitely not pursue this one. She's mucked you around. And you've wasted your time flying over there and her not being straight. Plus it says something about her character as well. If you think about it. If she's doing that to that other bloke good chance it shows she'll probably do it to you. That's not a given but it's telling

[S2B]

She’s a time waster.

if you intend to move - work hard and look for job opportunities to move there.

women will use you - and hen you allow it - that’s what she is doing.

[smackie9]

If you want to leave your country then just do so. You don't need a GF to do that. Just apply like everybody else. Once you get to said country that's when you can make friends and date/get settled. Those overseas/abroad dating sites are full of people looking to get rich/green card, etc. When they are really hot, sending nude pics, etc it's bait and you know it. 

[mortensorchid]

I thought you were going to tell me that this was actually someone trying to pull a scam on you and they were going to cheat you out of money, but it went another direction.  This is ... Crazy.  Block and move on. 

[dancehead]

On 9/15/2022 at 7:39 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Look for oversea jobs there. When you secure something, move there. Once there, you can date. You seem to be going about this backwards.

I'm at a stage in life where I could retire soon so a job is secondary to moving somewhere nice/different.

We've now had a discussion about what happened. She said I think you're a great person, we took too long to meet,  I've waited a long time for you and thought that you would never come, so my life had to go on. Now I need to resolve my situation, and I would like you to understand that I can't give you an answer that fast, I need time. But I also really enjoyed meeting you and I was sad that I didn't tell you about my situation before you came. She then asked me would I really come to live here (in tthe country shes in now). I said yes but only if we were more than friends and that is up to her to decide. So I'm now on the look again and am in contact with other girls and leaving this girl to contact me... but in fact since I've been home she has been texting me every day, which she wasn't doing before I came.

On the subject of nudes etc I've had plenty of girls in my country that I have talked to before meeting up send me stuff like that and I never met a scammer yet. Though it does raise alarm bells in poorer countries. I would discuss the country in question but I don't want to upset the mods.

Edited September 21, 2022 by dancehead

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, dancehead said:

I'm at a stage in life where I could retire soon so a job is secondary to moving somewhere nice/different.

Excellent. Then research good places to retire and live the life of Riley. Find a nice inexpensive tropical paradise and retire there. You can do better dating locals then. It's better than screen sex, no?

[dancehead]

Yes it would be, and yes thats my plan at the moment. The girl that led me on a wild goose chase in not in my plans, but I will not ghost her or anything. Friends she said, ok friends she has. Besides, it sounds like she wants to move to Spain which is not a cheap place anymore. Jobs are badly paid compared to the cost of living there especially the unskilled ones which is what she is doing.

[S2B]

You can’t know where she may move! She will likely move to a place when a man pays for her.

she is wasting your time when you could be finding a new gal that doesn’t lie and manipulate you.

you said you wished you had told her these things while you were with her - yet you didn’t.

I don’t see why you didn’t call her out while you were there? Stop allowing this opportunist to waste more of your time.

she offered to get nude… (probably for money) yet she won’t kiss you. 
what you have is a gal that will do anything for money yet she’s incapable of intimacy. She’s a time waster.

Edited September 22, 2022 by S2B

[mark clemson]

On 9/14/2022 at 11:49 AM, dancehead said:

I really did consider flying home early but stayed to enjoy the break and the rest of her company. What do you all think about the situation, her, and what went wrong when we met?

I'm not sure anything went wrong at your meeting. I think your gut sense this is a scam of some kind is accurate, and the sudden coldness and strange calls seem to align with that (e.g. a "real" BF who doesn't want her actually doing something with you, the scam victim; or maybe just more scam victims).

She's clearly up to something and I suspect won't involve an actual relationship with you (or if it does, it will end up being one you deeply regret). So this has been "wrong" from the beginning due to her intentions.

Dump this girl, resolve to forget all about her completely, and move on with your life. If feasible, date local, actually available women.

[mark clemson]

On 9/21/2022 at 11:59 AM, dancehead said:

Friends she said, ok friends she has.

My thought would be don't bother. You can find better friends than a sketchy long distance tease (at best), or scammer (at worst). Plus if she is attractive, her presence in your life might set of alarm bells with any prospective new GFs who come along. "Orbiters," whether its her or you doing the orbiting, have the potential to mess things up.

Edited September 22, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

On 9/21/2022 at 2:59 PM, dancehead said:

Yes it would be, and yes thats my plan at the moment. The girl that led me on a wild goose chase in not in my plans, but I will not ghost her or anything. Friends she said, ok friends she has. Besides, it sounds like she wants to move to Spain which is not a cheap place anymore. Jobs are badly paid compared to the cost of living there especially the unskilled ones which is what she is doing.

Forget her. Plan a wonderful retirement in an affordable place and take it from there. Better than camgirls and cybersex, no?

[dancehead]

On 9/22/2022 at 7:28 PM, S2B said:

she offered to get nude… (probably for money) yet she won’t kiss you. 

what you have is a gal that will do anything for money yet she’s incapable of intimacy. She’s a time waster.

Hi sorry for long delay. She didn't offer to get nude, she did - over the video calls, many of them. She didn't ever ask me for money. I've not heard much from her apart from when she told me shes flying home to her country since I didn't invite her to my home here! I said I did invite her there but that was before we met and that her situation has changed now (meaning the bf). "But why? Can she come now?"  I said.. She never replied to that question and I've not heard from her since. Yes I realise looking back that I have not been very direct with her about things, nor call her out. I guess it was because there I was away from home trying to make the best out of a situation gone wrong without really being direct about how upset I was and how out of order she was given I came really only to see her for a week!. I don't want her coming over to my country and place with the same 'just friends' thing happening again, but don't know if she understood what I was getting at with my questioning 'can she come now?'

Yeah the sensible thing is to move on and I have been trying with other women. However the situation still bothers me and I wonder why it went so wrong.

My guess on reflection is that she moved country, thought I would never come to visit, well we were in a pandemic so I couldn't come anyway. By the time I could come she had already started meeting locals and she had got this bf. Rather than, tell me no, I have a bf now, don't come, she said come to visit but I can't see you every day because of work. That way she meets me and she has another option. If she thought I was better than the current bf (who she tells me she has no future with) we would have been intimate etc and she could have dumped the BF for me. Perhaps it is all about which one of us looks like I can best or will provide for her, with a nice place to live, etc -  I don't know!  She was attracted to me  - she said I'm even better in person. We were doing ok on the first 2 dates until I called her out on why the no kiss on the 3rd. As far as a future goes I don't know, but all I wanted to do was to finally hook up with this girl date properly then see about a future- and she is so attractive you wouldn't believe  - especially after all that video stuff.

Now how to play it, continue to leave it? If I leave it she will say you never contacted me so I thought you were no longer interested. Its not like dating Western women, they can want constant attention and they are very confusing. Another one called off the 'relationship' because I had not enough time to give her, like if I failed to tell sent her a good morning one day all hell broke loose!

I kind of want to say hey there's a reason why I'm not contacting you much, because you have the bf, but I'm here whenever you want to chat. Good? I hate the situation, I'm normally in control but with this one I feel like a fish out of water, and almost like someone who is learning to date for the first time. Very frustrating. We dated virtutally, but we didn't date in reality. I think its the 3 year thing too, I feel very invested in her time wise.

Edited December 22, 2022 by dancehead

[spiderowl]

Is there a big age difference involved here? If you are able to retire, then I would guess there is. If she is fairly poor and doing a low-paid job, then a well-off guy from the U.K. would be a good catch. She could be looking for security. She has been showing off the ‘wares’ but is getting all reserved now, for whatever reason. I would think if she was just shy at meeting you for the first time, then she wouldn’t have treated you to displays on webcam. She sounds like a scammer - looking for security who then might well take up with someone else once you are both married and (financially) committed. Sorry, I’m sure you could do better locally 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, does this really sound like a sustainable way to date someone? 

You are spending an inordinate amount of time and emotional energy on these women who see you as a disposable option. You should never be pitting yourself against another man. It is a losing battle and suggets the woman is just not into you as a person, but rather what security and material comforts you can offer. 

This particular woman does not have sincere intentions with you. That much is clear. If you searching for a meaningful and loving relationship, this is not it. And it's not going to be it. In the future, don't let yourself get tied up with shady cam girls. That is essentially what she is, even if she pretended to be looking for a relationship on a dating app. You need to be a lot more sensible in your search for a decent partner, man. 

[dancehead]

Hello. Thanks for further replies that I didn't see until now. The reason for the delay in replying was that I was busy moving on with my life, in work and socially in 2023. I took some great holidays, met some nice girls. I hadn't been thinking about this woman and had only occasional contact with her. BUT.....

On 1/15/2023 at 12:34 AM, spiderowl said:

Is there a big age difference involved here? If you are able to retire, then I would guess there is. If she is fairly poor and doing a low-paid job, then a well-off guy from the U.K. would be a good catch. She could be looking for security. She has been showing off the ‘wares’ but is getting all reserved now, for whatever reason. I would think if she was just shy at meeting you for the first time, then she wouldn’t have treated you to displays on webcam. She sounds like a scammer - looking for security who then might well take up with someone else once you are both married and (financially) committed. Sorry, I’m sure you could do better locally 

Age difference is 12 years and I don't look my age.  I've worked hard saved hard, had good jobs. She is from a poor country and the total opposite. As for local girls, I'm mainly not attracted to them.

So, there is a new instalment in this tale. July (2023): She asked me when I'm coming to see her, because she is free for a relationship now, and back in Europe and very sorry she didn't give me a chance last time. Because of work and other commitments I told her October. So all this time since July we chatted everyday like a couple making plans for the future. She really was struggling finding a good job, kept moving from job to job,  really hard jobs, for bad money. So at the end of Aug I was asking her when the best time would be to book the flight, ie when is she not working..... She said she'll let me know.

She never did, now contact this at the start of this month (Sept) from her has become very little, with her not replying to me or taking ages to do so. She said that she's had it with the country shes in, shes going back to her country in a month, we''ll meet over there. If that is her decision, ok,  she knows she was welcome to come to the UK... So I told her I can still come over before she goes because it is much less of a flight and quicker. She said no sorry I don't want you to come. Really strange, I thought. I asked her why? No reply. Since then, radio silence, which was about 10 days ago.

Then what just came up on my phone (social media)??? She's in a relationship with xxxxxxx - 'some old guy' (older than me)  -!!!!!  But not only that the date this relationship started was beginning of AUGUST!, when we were in full lovey dovey couple mode making future plans etc.

I can't believe she has done this to me again!!! First time I went over to see her she got a boyfriend that I didn't know about until I got there. Now I was coming over with a 3 month build up and shes met some other dude and not told me, just gone very quiet and said shes leaving the country. Bet shes not since, he is also in Europe.

So I've done and said nothing. What I would like to ask is, now what do I do?. Do I confront her with it? Send her a screenshot of this relationship status, "WTF is this??" all while we were making plans.. etc..... . I think in all my years of dating I have never been so confused and felt so out of control of the situation  as I do with this girl. Everything was ok up until a month ago though.

Yeah I know you might say leave it, she's not worth it and I have... But I feel if I don't call her out on the fact she's been leading me on while dating other(s), I'll look like a doormat

Or the other option is carry on like I never saw the status update! I'm under no illusions that maybe she is not for me long term - and yes she is not sincere. But I wanted to find out for myself after nearly 4 years of knowing this girl...

Edited September 26, 2023 by dancehead

[basil67]

Calling her out on her behaviour may make you feel better short term, but is being willing to engage with someone who's done the dirty on you really the look want to have?   Do you really want her to know that you cared?    I would say that the best way to not look like a doormat is to block her without warning or a goodbye.  And if she comes back via other methods in the future, just wordlessly block her then too. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, dancehead said:

 yes she is not sincere. But I wanted to find out for myself after nearly 4 years of knowing this girl...

It seems more like you dodged a bullet. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. This way you can simply finally move on with no fuss no mess.

[MsJayne]

I smell a scammer, but I'm surprised she's still hovering if you've never given her any money. Whatever her reasons are, she sounds like she's looking for a free ride and has no moral compass or scruples. Block and delete and put it down to bad experience.