Wife changing her mind on having kids

[SantaMyPebbles]

Hi all, first post here ever!

          There's a lot to this story so try to stay with me here.. also, i haven't been sleeping well.  So, where to start?  I met my wife about 7 years ago on a dating app, she's from the south of Mexico.  I had been out of my last long term relationship for 2-3 years by then and had been working and dating in a big city.  We were mostly flirting for some months as it slowly grew into more over that period.  She mentioned she had a son from her previous marriage, she thoughts this news would push me away but i didn't make it a problem.  Both my brothers have families already so it wasn't too much to ask if we ended up truly wanting to be together to adopt him into our family (he's 15 now).  Eventually i asked her if she ever thought we would actually meet in person and date, her response was "if we both really want to, we will find a way to make it happen", so, needless to say a few months later we were planning on flying her in for a visit.  This was around 9 months of knowing her.  We were talking every day several times a day via phone and text message.  Of course when she arrived in person we hit it off right away and in 6 months we were engaged to be married.  We had traveled back and forth and met each-others families and friends.  It was moving fast but at a pace we both were happy with.  This was not without the fights or the faults, i was still recovering from a motorcycle injury that resulted in me having headaches everyday and a lawsuit that followed, i had essentially lost everything and lived with a friend at the time she showed up. 

         We had discussed wanting children many times, i asked her straight out when we met and she said "yes of course, but we're not ready... i don't want it to be like it was with my first son".  Her family is also asking when we are going to have kids every time we get together.  So, it's not like the topic hasn't ever come up.  She's always felt positive about it, or so i thought.  I always assumed because she already had a child that it wasn't a foreign idea to have another, especially marrying / moving and taking my last name.

         Fast forward to now, her son lives with us in a major metropolitan city in the US.  We go to lot of sports games and they don't want for much.  We're renting and hoping to buy a house but they are extremely expensive here (in our neighborhood homes average $2 million USD).  I also think I'm a pretty damn good step-dad and I've been coaching him through his young start in American football.  We all made it through the Hells of COVID lock-down and the unknown of work and money.  Through that time i ended up getting my real estate license and am now a commercial real estate broker and portfolio manager.  She also got a good job and eventually, recently, was promoted at the college she works at.  We both have pretty good insurance and a much better income.  At this point, she stopped taking birth control finally about 6 months ago.  We are now in our late 30's, i am 38 and she is 37.  She convinced me in November 21' to go car shopping for a more child-friendly car for "the baby" so i ended up getting her a brand new 22' VW Tiguan.  But after all the triumphs, I have felt her retreating lately over several months.  We barely have sex, she doesn't make time to compliment me or be around me like she used to, intimacy has nearly failed now.  I've described the feeling as "coming home to an empty room".  I have "tested" her before by not initiating sex to see how many days would pass before she noticed, we got over 4-5 weeks and she never brought it up.. by that time i couldn't stand it and nearly forced myself on her. 

         So, back to the point, I've felt her retreating lately over the last 6 months.  I always try talking things out and they quickly turn into arguments.  Shes very short tempered and aggressive / defensive about a lot of things.  This in turn makes me in a bad mood.  Since my accident i actually have a much shorter capacity for anger, which, i try to keep control of.. it's a lot easier when you don't feel like your wife is lying to you.  At some point i have to stop the cycle because we end up miserable because she wont stop it.  Her and her son are also both incredibly sensitive people and react to everything like it's the best thing ever, or the end of the world.  Regardless, i told her last week "i don't mind being your sons father, but i didn't want to ONLY be his father".. by that i mean, i didn't want to fund her citizenship and his (many thousands of dollars and several years of pain and money) and pay for their rent, electric bill, gas, new cars, insurance etc etc etc with no end after she had repeatedly convinced me that she wanted to have children with me.  I wanted to have my own family with my wife, what we promised each-other. 

         Last week, after i told her that, she told me she doesn't think that she wants to have children anymore and kept asking if that meant i would divorce her.  She said I've been so angry lately she can't see how having a baby would make anything better.  I think this is sort of a trick.  I think she was hurt in thinking that they aren't "enough" so she decided to test me by removing the baby from the picture... which is [ ]  nuts and totally controlling behavior.. but regardless of the truth it has left me very hurt and wondering if i am willing to resent it all and stay here raising her son and watch him grow up and have a family next to me, while i sit her with no balls playing with HIS children.  I don't think i could do it.  I love my wife but It would kill me. 

        To interject on her son, she is the most caring mom to him ever.  She goes out of her way to do ANYTHING for him.  I've argued many times that she puts him first ABOVE our marriage and she'll respond something like "well he's just a kid, he needs help".  This is what prompted by response about more children.  I almost feel like they are a team and that's all she needs or expects.  I'm the add-on now and when things are hard, I'm the burden.

        So, that's really the question.  What do i do?  Do i love her through this and hope that she's just pulling my leg?  Do i seek counseling?  Do we cool off and talk it out more realistically?  For me, i have less qualms about the BABY topic, but more about feeling like she has been leading me on to get what she wants for years and once she has it, she feels like she doesn't have to hold up her agreement.  THAT is the burn I'm feeling.  We don't have years and years to sort this out.  I know her previous child left her feeling anxious about having kids, because she was a young single mom, but i remind her i'm not her ex husband and that old situation is NOT our reality.  It's already been 5 years and we wont have much more time to procrastinate.  Is she waiting to have the house, car, best job and best life before she says yes?  Seems like it.  Funny because she had her previous son at 21 years old, and he was an "oppsie baby".  Besides the baby stuff, we do still love each-other and she is an amazing person.  She's the girl of my dreams.  I just want her to be HONEST so we can move on.  I also fear that this could really scar us if we're not careful.  Me especially.  EVERY man i know and admire is a father, not a [ ] step-dad *mic-drop*...

Edited September 15, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[basil67]

1 hour ago, SantaMyPebbles said:

She said I've been so angry lately she can't see how having a baby would make anything better. 

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but she's right.  Based in what you wrote, it sounds like the two of you are rapidly losing respect for each other and so bringing in a new baby would be a poor decision.

Have the two of you done marriage counselling?  Perhaps talking this through with a mediator would be helpful

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, SantaMyPebbles said:

I just want her to be HONEST so we can move on

She has been honest. She doesn't want another baby. 

Her behaviour supports that, so I don't think you can assume she's just pullling your leg.  Or are you worried she married you just to get to the U.S.? 

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't seem like a good idea to bring a child into this angry situation. 

[SantaMyPebbles]

Sure, but 6 months ago we were getting baby things together and a new car.  She was talking about it all the time.  We have a giant bag full of baby gear from my nephews and a rocker in storage.  I'm not reacting to the decision, more on the 180 degree turn to suddenly.  And of course i got pissed off, I'm human, that doesn't mean every time someone has a hard time you just dump your plans with your spouse and make an exit plan, right?  One thing i may have forgot to add was i recently heard her best friend who is also recently married and was trying to get pregnant she quit trying... very possible this is affecting my wife's desire to have a kid as well?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, SantaMyPebbles said:

One thing i may have forgot to add was i recently heard her best friend who is also recently married and was trying to get pregnant she quit trying... very possible this is affecting my wife's desire to have a kid as well?

I don't think so, no. 

When a woman really wants a child, her best friend giving up trying is not going to stop her. Something has changed for your wife. Does she still want to be married to you? It could be that she is having doubts about the marriage and does not want to become pregnant and permanently tie herself to you.

[basil67]

So her comment about not bringing a baby into this was because you got angry about her 180 decision?  I understand.

So let's go back to what you wrote before that:

But after all the triumphs, I have felt her retreating lately over several months.  We barely have sex, she doesn't make time to compliment me or be around me like she used to, intimacy has nearly failed now.  I've described the feeling as "coming home to an empty room".  I have "tested" her before by not initiating sex to see how many days would pass before she noticed, we got over 4-5 weeks and she never brought it up.. by that time i couldn't stand it and nearly forced myself on her. 

It sounds like she wasn't feeling the connection to you.  Possibly even reconsidering her choice to marry.  And you were understandably also feeling the disconnect.  This is also a bad time to have a baby.  A baby should be born into a strong and stable household...not one where both partners are feeling disconnected.   

Are the two of you working on the marriage?  Perhaps doing counselling to get you over this hump?   Perhaps when the two of you find your connection again, she will change.

Her age is a bit of an issue though.  And at 37, falling pregnant won't necessarily be easy.  Given the disparaging remarks you've made about being a stepfather, what will happen if struggle to have children of your own?   

 

Edited September 16, 2022 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

Quite often, it is the preparation for an action that sets off an alarm that we really don't want to take the action. 

I was planning to move to be with a gf and then I visited her in preparation for moving in. OMG, I was not feeling the move at all. Felt totally empty and a loud resistance. I didn't follow through on the move because I previously said I would. That would have been a mistake. 

Ironically people often change their minds when they have taken for granted a particular decision. It's like we always thought we should do x and so we sometimes don't do the real thinking about whether we really want to do X.  She probably always thought she'd have the baby, and then after taking the actions and buying the items, she realized that she's not feeling what she expected to feel. It is honorable and an act of integrity for her to announce that. 

You do NOT want to talk someone in having a child. That is extremely fragile ground. And if often just blows up.

Changing our minds about having a child is a human being's right. She doesn't owe you a child--no matter what she said earlier. BTW: same goes for marrying someone. A couple can be engaged and talk about marriage and long term plans, but as the date nears and one person becomes iffy about the marriage, it is smart and honorable for that person to announce that they no longer want to get married. Painful, yes. Awkward yes. Confusing, yes-- and yet overwhelming it is the right thing to do.  Promises don't apply to having a child or to marrying someone. 

You have a right to be sad and disappointed and maybe even angry at the situation, but your disappointment is not reason for her to have a child she doesn't want to have. And I'm sorry, but persuading someone to have a kid is a foolish endeavor. Kids are exhausting. When someone says they don't feel it, you pretty much have to trust that they know themselves. 

I'm not saying her decision was good for the marriage--I'm just saying she has a right to make that decision. But her FAKING IT  (which is what you are asking her to do) just because she promised you in the past is equally--actually probably worse for the marriage--than deciding she really doesn't want to have another kid. 

Edited September 16, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[glows]

I’m going to back this up a bit to the anger, growing resentment and your short fuse, also the incident where you say you nearly forced yourself on her out of sexual frustration. None of that is conducive to raising a child. Hormones can change drastically in someone’s 30s. I’m not invalidating what you feel but I am suggesting you try to look outside of the box and not center this around you. 

Her son will always come first. He’s a minor and if his one guardian and parent doesn’t look out for him no one does. She may also be thinking of what type of man her son has as a role model and rethinking the type of father she wants for any other child she has. I understand you’re worried about time but the relationship isn’t working and all you have to do is respect her decision if she isn’t ready or doesn’t want to have children with you. It’s not your place to try to convince someone else whether to have kids or more kids. There’s just not enough respect in your relationship to foster that kind of love even for intimacy. Start at the basics and work on more respect for one another. 

[NuevoYorko]

For sure your household is not in the right place to bring a new baby, at this time.   It sounds like you need to work on your marriage and see where that leads you before putting any further pressure on the baby issue.   Would the two of you be open to marriage counselling?

[Lotsgoingon]

Building on @glows and @NuevoYorko, you guys are nowhere near ready---you're like 10,000 miles away from ready--to bring a child into this marriage.

I'd give you guys one year after the arrival of a kid, and you'll be screamingly miserable with each other. And I give you one year, because during that first year, you'll be running on willpower and fatigue and denial. You guys do not have the bond of trust or the intimacy to sustain a marriage with a new child. The best marriages strain under the pressure of a new child (and it takes work to regain their equilibrium).

You guys are already imploding. 

I second the recommendation for marriage counseling and I'd add individual counseling because your sense of relationships is off if you think she owes you a kid. Imagine: we don't owe a partner a commitment to staying in the same job or same profession. We don't owe them commitment to the same hobbies over time. How the heck could we owe them a kid if we have changed our mind?

[Els]

On 9/15/2022 at 10:51 AM, SantaMyPebbles said:

Me especially.  EVERY man i know and admire is a father, not a [ ] step-dad *mic-drop*...

Just... wow.

I hate to say this, but you sound incredibly immature, selfish and unstable. I'm not saying that her lack of transparency was the right thing to do either, but she was 100% right that a child would suffer if they were brought into this world with the two of you as their parents.

On 9/15/2022 at 10:51 AM, SantaMyPebbles said:

.. by that time i couldn't stand it and nearly forced myself on her. 

You don't need a child. You need professional help,  right now. And you need to get it before you even consider putting your sperm in anyone. If you "can't stand" not having sex for 5 weeks (oh, the horror!!) and that led to you literally nearly committing a heinous crime, what do you think you will do when she's postpartum, you haven't had sex for 3 months, and you haven't slept a single full night due to being woken up by the baby?